Body dysphoria (looking for breast augmentation alternatives)

[Enbyally]

Hi! um, I just wanted to vent about my body dysphoria and ask for advice. I don’t know but there's just something different about airing your thoughts in a public space, even if no one hears it. Anyway.

 

I (AFAB) never really identified as a girl/woman, behaved and hung out more with boys. However, since I don’t identify as a guy either, non-binaire is a perfect description. My issue is, despite not identifying as a woman, I do feel body dysphoria for not looking typically female. One thing that saddens me is my AA cup size… I don’t know why but they always felt like something missing. I don’t know how else to describe it, it just fills me with this..grief. And I try so very hard to figure out whether I have just been socialized into thinking I should have breasts. and to then unlearn it. I don’t identify as a woman, so why do I want to look female. (I say female because I think my clothing style is more typically masculine or gender-neutral and again, I don’t want to be identified as a woman). 

 

As I don’t have the money for a breast augmentation. And as I don’t feel comfortable to reveal any of this to my friends or family, I was thinking of perhaps finding silicon bra-fillers to wear at home. There’s just this part of me that wishes to feel the .. weight of it all? (Man, this feels so silly to write.. more like vulnerable to write.. and silly.. it’s both). 

 

Guess I have three questions for anyone stumbling across this post. 

 

 

1. Any good silicon suggestions?
2. Anyone relate? I feel like somewhere, trans-women or other enbys might have had similar feelings.
3. Is this appropriate to write on a transgender forum? If not, I can delete it.

 

I feel like I’ve always walked the line of belonging to the LGTBQ or not. I identify as asexual, but I understand that doesn’t have the same discrimination and history as the 'other branches'. Panromantic, but again not never dated someone of the same sex. Non-binaire, without searching for beneficial medical procedures, is again, not always seen as valid. And now, experiencing body dysphoria of the sex,  I was expected to have anyway. 

 

I’ve always found it hard to estimate whether I am doing it for attention, or whether I am just trying to find community. I just don’t mean to detract from the LGTBQ+ in any way. I’m happy to standby as ally. I’m sorry, I’m just very mentally disoriented. 

 

Have a lovely day! ❤️ My suggestion is looking up highland cows. They are just the cutest boost to your day.

[Ivy]

Welcome Enbyally.

I'm AMAB myself, so I kinda would like a bit more myself.

But lately I've begun to realize that a lot of cis women really aren't that big.  Not that it is much consolation.  I also have a cis friend that has had breast reduction surgery.  Unfortunately the media and entertainment industry seem to have a fixation on boobs so there is that pressure as well.

 

There are some links on this website to breast forms and such.  These are probably aimed at crossdressing AMAB people, but maybe, IDK.

And of course there are little helpers you can slip in your bra.

 

Sorry, but I'm not being any help for you am I.  

 

[Enbyally]

Dear Ivy,

 

You are helpful! 

 

I think in the internal debate of 'is this a 'body modification' I want or society has convinced me I want', breast forms are very helpful. I guess if you don't hurt anyone it's always your own choice, right? 

 

Also in my head the 'itty bitty titty committee' has always been a trans inclusionary space. As all spaces should be. I see many feminine, flat-chested cis- and trans-women, who look stunning. 

Perhaps my want for a slightly more female anatomy is to counter my masculine clothing style. As to not appear more of either gender, idk, I'll have to run it by a therapist.. if I can catch one 😈/🥅 (<- Let's pretend that is a butterfly net emoji, shall we)

[Vidanjali]

Hi & welcome @Enbyally . Like you, I am AFAB, asexual, panromantic (I am happily married to a cis man) & enby. First, I want to affirm that history of discrimination against your identity is not at all a requirement to be LGBTQ+. I applaud your sensitivity and mindfulness of not wanting to "take up space". But, know that you are very much included under the rainbow, lol. While I don't experience discrimination, per se, as an asexual, I do experience low key alienation in a society in which sexuality is the norm and is touted as so important and intrinsic to one's value. Of all the parts of my gender/sexuality/romantic orientation, asexuality is the part which is hardest for me to share or come out with because I feel the most potential to be judged as inadequate, and worse, for others to judge or feel pity for my husband who is not ace. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this combination of identities. 

 

Now, as for breasts, I cannot relate as mine are rather large for my relative size. You can have mine, if I hadn't already promised them to @Ivy , lol! But seriously, I can relate to the experience of wanting my feminine features to be accentuated, but I think not in the way you are, necessarily. I'll share my reflections just in case I can offer any insight one way or another.

 

I am in my late 40s now. When I was in late teens and early 20s, I used to dress in men's attire. It felt natural to me. But, it also freaked me out because I, not knowing anything about trans identities, thought there was something wrong with me. So, for many years, I battled with myself. For example, I'd cut my hair very short, love it, then immediately feel ashamed and try to let it grow out. Thus, my hair was in a perpetual in-between state which made me feel ugly and weird. While I dressed in men's attire, I would also wear dramatic eye makeup and lipstick. You know, so people would know I'm a girl - or so I thought back then; I was very unhappy with myself. So, for me, the experience of desiring to accentuate female aspects while I was presenting masc was a result of dissonance within myself. I was as if addicted to wearing makeup - I would panic at the thought of being seen without it as I thought that people would see my bare face and truly know I'm not a girl or that there was something wrong with me. Thank goodness this is all far in the past by now. 

 

I do not get the impression that this is what you're experiencing regarding breasts - dissonance about what's expected versus what's authentic for you. Please understand it's not my intention to suggest that it is. I just wanted to tell you that finding balance in nonbinary expression is a normal process and unique for each person. If feeling that heft of the chest seems desirable to you, I encourage you to explore it & enjoy it. There is no one way to do queer & no uniform way to be nonbinary. Celebrate you & enjoy the process of discovery. 

[Enbyally]

Aw thank you Vidanjali, that was very insightful.

 

If only more accepted by general society, it is kind of beautiful how intuitive gender expression seems to come. From such a young age myself, and as I read more on these forums, so many others could tell they were different. I too, gravitate to men's attire and was never happy when my mother would insist that I would wear dresses to formal occasions. Or another dumb example I remember, is when playing pretend with my fellow girl friends in elementary school, I'd always dispute why there had to be an imaginary prince that we want to date. I'd always say, sure but can we just not be interested back. Something, my friends did not appreciate..

 

I totally agree that discrimination level is not the ground on which the LGTBQ should organise themselves. I suppose I just wanted to ask for confirmation from people who are more familiar with the movement/community, haha. 

 

Lastly, I also wear dramatic makeup. But I think again our reasons differ a little bit. For me it was more having fun with the colours, and not so much feminizing my visage. To a point where I am to socially anxious to wear the looks outside, in fear of dragging attention to myself. In that way, I really appreciate the LGTBQ individuals who decide to live their proudest public lives. They really do make the world a more beautiful and interesting place. And when more people wear their funky looks out, the less I stand out haha. 

 

Anyway, have a nice evening? Night? Morning? Have a nice time.