Just started therapy and I’m terrified

[Amy2023]

So today I had my first session with a therapist. I had shared that letter I shared on here with her. We briefly discussed what gender dysphoria is, which I’ve been researching it since I started taking the transgender quizzes, and she told me that based on that letter and the other things I told her that I do indeed have gender dysphoria. Im pretty sure I overwhelmed her. I poured out my heart and soul to her. I cried a lot and as I’m typing this I’m still crying.

 

Although I’m glad I finally got that answer, I’m terrified because now I don’t know what to do next. The thought of starting HRT sounds like a great idea, like I can actually start looking the way I should have been my entire life. Just the thought of being a woman makes me feel more confident. But at the same time I’m terrified. I’m terrified of being alone. Like I’ve said before, I will lose all my family, even though most of them are judgement anyways, they are still there when they can get there heads out of their asses and actually be caring, which doesn’t happen often. But the point is, they won’t be there anymore. I will lose my wife and her family. I have no friends, they’ve all left scars, left knives in my back. I will have no one. Sure I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror and be happy about the person looking back at me, but my depression and anxiety won’t let me enjoy it. I’d be on a down hill spiral and the next time, probably will be my last. I really don’t know if I’d be able to survive another attempt, although I didn’t think I’d survive the sixth one either. I’m just scared I won’t be able to stop myself. My life is one big roller coaster full of ups and downs. It’s hard to trick my mind when it wants to get off the ride. 
 

I know I can’t put this back in the box. It’s way past that point. I can’t be me when no one is around, it just doesn’t look like it’s going to be enough. I have to be the real me or nothing. And that nothing is another thing I’m terrified of being. 

[missyjo]

Amy

 

Oh honey, congrats on starting therapy. It will be ok, really.

 

A couple of things you mentioned i wanted to comment on. DONT EVER THINK SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR IS THE ANSWER. As a survivor or left behind by one i loved who committed suicide it solved nothing and leaves us reeling in guilt, shame, hurt, and wonderment. PLEASE, if you are there call 911 or suicide prevention lines.

 

Everyone's transittion is different darling. What may be ok for me may not fit your lilfe right now or ever. Thats ok too.  Ive recently started telling family and friends, and yes, some are openly dropping off or hostile, and others are mouthing nice words but just not quite as available as they used to be. I get it. That leaves me alone too dear. What am i trying to combat it? a few things. I joined here and another similar online community to make friends and get advice. I started going to local LGBT center and programs. I started attending socials at a LGBT commuity. (Yes, this is work, as i am introverted and shy). I plan to start zumba  or aerobics at a trans friendly space. And every time i have someone who is nice to Missy, be it in a store or church or whereever, i offer to exchange information. I offer and ask for friendship. I could use gfs. I'll bet thats all you'd like too, someone to chat with and get a beer or iced tea with. So i've started asking. Will it solve the problems? I doubt it, but if each of these things adds a little bit maybe ill sort of solve the problem. 

 

Have you seen the movie MoneyBall with Brad Pitt? He plays the GM of the 2002 Oakland As and they just lost Giambi and 2 or 3 other studs. His scouts say you need to find the next Giambi and other studs. The kid from Yale had read a book by a mathmetician who suggested no, you need to re-create in the aggregate what those guys meant to your team in runs. Well, im sort of trying to re-create, in the aggregate, what friendships meant, by reaching oeut in several directions and hoping for a little bit of good in each. Maybe it will help. Maybe you wish to try some of those ideas dear, maybe not. 

 

A final parting thought. You may be pleasantly surprised at how Amy is recieved. I have been approached by folks trying to be nice or wanting to comment on something i was wearing more as Missy as i ever was as a male. Women have handed me phone numbers and said, call, we can chat and grab a beer maybe. Honey, none of us are as pretty in person as we are in our heads, but people sometimes surprise you. My 1 sibling was and is openly hostile and angry at me. The other? Is friends with a gay couple and one day the 1 person confided his story of denial and pain to my sibling and so when i told him mine, he sort of got it, as to the pain and fear we feel and how society is just mean to us. He even said ignore the rantigs of your other sibling as he's bigotted and no people other than those like him get into his version of heaven, Laughs. 

 

You may be surprised darling. Stepping out is terrifing, and then, liberating and fun. I go out soewhere daily, the store, get gas, anywhere to put on my heels and go be seen. I know i dont pass, but i try to be nice and dress nice and go about my business as other women do. And everyone has been nice. I've been lucky, but maybe you will be lucky and surprised too dear. 

 

DO what is right for you love. Part of me has declared screw it, i dont care what you say or think, but that doesnt work for everyone dear. 

 

Hugs

'

missy jo

 

 

[Carolyn Marie]

@Amy2023, I'm sorry that your visit to the therapist has left you feeling so down.  @missyjoreally nailed her response to you, and I think she has so many good points to make.

 

I get that you're feeling overwhelmed right now; it's totally normal.  Please take things one step, one day at a time and continue to see your therapist.  Is she a gender therapist, and experienced?  I hope so.  She can guide you through what you're feeling, help calm you, and help you see all the possible solutions to what you fear.

 

I'm not saying its all going to be easy and you'll find Nirvana and the Garden of Eden.  But even when things turn bad, there are solutions and work arounds and ways to cope.  Also, what we most fear doesn't always happen.  I thought I would lose my wife and family, too.  She is Catholic and her family is pretty conservative and religious.  But she eventually came around, and her family remarkably supportive.  We're still together and happy, and while I will always have regrets, they don't stop me from living and enjoying life.

 

Fear can be a killer, hon.  Please don't let it kill your dreams or your life.  Be guided by your therapist, but ultimately do what is right for you.  You are the captain of your soul.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Amy2023]

8 hours ago, missyjo said:

DONT EVER THINK SELF DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR IS THE ANSWER.

That’s the thing. I can sit here and tell you I know that. That I know that it might hurt others more after I’m gone. But the next minute I’d tell you I don’t give a damn. That this life I’ve had, the life time of being belittled and picked on, stepped on and put down, is not worth dealing with more. That I just want to leave it all behind. It’s like I said earlier, my life is one big roller coaster full of ups and downs. It’s hard to trick my mind when it wants to get off the ride. I think about killing myself daily. I see a pair of scissors, a knife, something sharp and think about stabbing myself or cutting my wrist. I think about throwing myself down stairs hoping I’d break my neck and die that way. There’s a lot of other ways I’ve thought about killing myself, but the point is, right now, I can say I’m not there yet. I keep tricking myself every time I get a thought. I keeping telling myself I want to be with my wife, I want to hug her and kiss her, that I want to see my daughter. I’m crying everyday because everything is just getting to me, the weight of everything just becomes to much to handle. And when I realize that leaving isn’t the answer, I’m ashamed that I even thought about it. Sorry I’m just rambling. Hope y’all can get what I’m saying. The point is right now, I don’t have a plan to kill myself. That I can promise you.

 

7 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Is she a gender therapist, and experienced?

She has worked with a lot of members of the LGBTQ+ community and transgender issues.

 

[missyjo]

Amy

 

I'm not a doc  but I'd guess you might have some bipolar or manic/depressive going on too dear, n therapy will help get it all treated

 

not everyone is nice to us darling, so I just avoid them. my 1 sibling has barely spoken to me since i told him  other than to preach AT me, n I've avoided him. I send an occassional text but here's the thing, friendship costs..not money, respect, kindness manners  intangibles like that. so if he wants to spend time with me he needs to learn to shut up n be decent to me instead of preaching at me. will I seek him out? no, I'm removing him from my documents n planning missy future that he hates me n if they called n said your sister had a heart attack n is in hospital, he'd mutter something calozs like serves her right n not come. so screw him. life's too short to waste it where I know I'm hated. someone will be kind to me, somewhere. or I'll be alone  but it won't be hostile. 

 

good luck dear.

 

hugs

[MaybeRob]

Amy

 

I am going through the process of finding a therapist atm. I find that a lot of what ifs are running through my head. It is

terrifying - but I guess seeing a therapist is always going to awaken fears - and that's what it's meant to do. I guess for me it's a matter of taking things step by step and not overthinking possibilities. I have been to therapists for anxiety and depression

after my breakdown and it wasn't always pleasant - but at the end of the day it did help resolve a lot of issues.

 

Please give it a chance 

 

Rob

[Charlize]

Amy i remember the fear you feel especially in regards to loosing your family.  My therapist offered to work with my wife as well as with me and that offer alone helped.  We can't help being who we are.  I am fortunate that over time my wife and i have continued to care for and support each other.  My son has accepted and life goes on in its acceptable but imperfect way.  Hang in there.  It gets much better if not perfect.  We are here to help as we can.  I know that understanding helped me and i hope it might help you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[missyjo]

ladies 

just finished therapy for day..n yes, I felt better knowing I had an appointment n afterward too. I think my therapist is, like many, gifted and so helpful. 

I found her from a link, I think Carolyn Marie had posted and looked at their webpages n sent a few questions n held my breath n picked..n I think I got very lucky to get a wise helpful therapist. they are out there girls  and they want to help us feel better. God bless them. 

 

please, if you don't have one, get one, a good one, who has experience with us. 

 

my therapist is a big crutch in my life now, n I feel better knowing she's on my team. you will too, I hope.

 

hugs to all 

missy jo

[Carolyn Marie]

Glad that worked out so well for you, @missyjo.  Continued good luck.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Amy2023]

On 5/4/2023 at 5:13 AM, MaybeRob said:

I am going through the process of finding a therapist atm. I find that a lot of what ifs are running through my head. It is

terrifying - but I guess seeing a therapist is always going to awaken fears - and that's what it's meant to do. I guess for me it's a matter of taking things step by step and not overthinking possibilities. I have been to therapists for anxiety and depression

after my breakdown and it wasn't always pleasant - but at the end of the day it did help resolve a lot of issues.

I found the first step was the hardest. Having to reach out to this stranger and tell them you need to talk to them about gender issues. I reached out to three of them in two days and I felt more and more exposed with each one. The next step, which might feel even harder, is to tell this person everything about you, your deepest, darkest secrets. I know I had to of overwhelmed her from day one. But I am glad I did. It is definitely worth it. I brought up trying to find ways to tell my wife about all this and luckily that’s something we are going to circle back to. I feel I’m going to need all the help I can get on that. 

[missyjo]

Amy

 

I echo your thoughts dear, I need help here n am blessed to have a good therapist on my team. 

 

good luck girls 

 

hugs

 

missy jo

[Ashley0616]

@Amy2023 if you need a friend I'm here for you. I don't have any friends. I have two kids and three failed marriages. My Facebook is on my profile page and I check it often. You can send me a request. I'm trying to get friends. I'm currently talking a woman who accepted me but we can't make anything official because I'm only separated on my third marriage. When it's finally over I'm going to surprise my family the ones that didn't write me off with a visit. It's a long distance relationship which has been frustrating. 

[missyjo]

Ashley

 

good for you. I told my therapist just today,  someday I'd like to be held n feel intimate affection again, as a woman. good for you

hugs