Living a Double Life

[Heather Shay]

If you are living a double life just to survive.... how do you do it?

[Desert Fox]

I (we, more accurately) have always done that…since about 7 years old, that I can remember. I have never lived with people who supported my gender identity, so to survive, I tried to act as masculine as I could in public, to appease the world around me and avoid abuse, and developed an alternate self for when I could be alone or at least away from those who knew me closely. Growing up, I would modify my outgrown clothing to look more like girls’ clothes and style my hair differently and allow myself to speak in a feminine voice and use feminine mannerisms. This would relieve my painful depression and self-hate temporarily. Often I’d “slip” and there would be bleed over, and I think a lot of people just thought I was a closet gay boy. I grew up in an environment where I was constantly verbally abused plus experienced early physical and sexual abuse as well.

 

In my mid 20s I talked to a therapist about transitioning but ended up with a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder instead. Additionally I couldn’t afford surgery and hormones and didn’t make enough money to survive on my own and was certain I’d be cut off from my remaining family forever if I came out, so I continued on with my secret double life. I tried to convince myself that I was just a cross dresser and if I just found the right partner, I would stop it and become a “real man”. It didn’t work and I continue living a bigender life to this day, as I remain in an unsupportive and unsafe living environment.

 

Even if I can eventually get out of this living situation, I don’t see a point in transitioning at my age as I’m not seeking any more romantic involvements and my health probably won’t support a good surgical outcome. I did go on HRT and change my legal name, and I came out at my job, only to be promptly forced to resign. A lot of my friends cut me off after I told them too. Some were supportive. 
 

I know who and what I am, and if my early life experiences hadn’t been what they were, I probably would have done a full MTF transition in early adulthood if not sooner. But now i see my identity as being the result of nearly a half century of a bigender lifestyle…I really am two personalities in one body. It is who I have become, for better or worse, and to try to deny either side of me would feel like murdering half my soul. I’ve not been successful in trying to blend my two sides into an androgynous appearance, and it makes me really uncomfortable when I’ve tried it. Looking more distinctly male or female makes it easier to use public restrooms and for other people to identify me using pronouns.

I don’t think this is an ideal way to be, and I’m not truly happy, but maybe if I get to more of a 50/50 time split I will be. It’s the best compromise I can seem to do, and a natural result of my life experiences. 

 

[April Marie]

I was going to start a new thread but thought this would be a good place continue the discussion. At this early stage for me, I spend the majority of my week in my male persona - still working through all of the emotional issues, the family and community implications and deciding what "transition" will mean for me at this age and stage of life. Nothing is more important than my wife and our marriage - she has been so amazingly supportive but I also know that I need to ensure she's as comfortable as I am as we move forward. I do that by choice.

 

So, I've worked to create "touchstones" that keep me grounded as April even when I'm presenting as a male. In colder weather it is easy to wear toenail polish constantly and to wear a lightweight bra under my layers of clothes. Getting my ears pierced and letting my hair grow out helped and I've found a very light nail polish that I wear pretty much constantly now. It's a little more difficult to wear a bra in warmer weather...but I find myself caring less if someone might notice so I'm getting bolder in wearing one. I've also now totally switched to wearing women's underwear - found that Hanes high-cut briefs are very comfortable.

 

I still fight off the dysphoria when there are long periods of presenting as male, but I'm getting better at looking in the mirror and seeing myself, April, irrespective of what I'm wearing. And, I try to focus on thoroughly enjoying the times when I am "me."  Psychologically, I work to build my emotional resilience and strength - to be happy knowing who I truly am. Yesterday, I happened on a strategy and I now will think of my male presentation as "April in drag." 🙂💕 I'm always April.

 

I'd love to hear from others about how they worked through the early stages of transition - especially since transition is such a sliding scale with different meanings. What strategies did/do you use to cope?

 

 

[Heather Shay]

Thank you @April Marie - wonderful post and so relatable in so many ways.

[Tiffany 838]

April great post.  I feel the same that my wife also has to be ready to keep moving through the stages.  Panties are the way to go for constantly staying in touch with our ladies when we can’t look the part.  Keep the good info coming 

 

tiffany

 

[Sally Stone]

My double life hasn't actually been driven by "just surviving."  Instead, I chose to embrace my double life as a way of staying grounded in two genders.  I know, some would see my solution as a compromise, but that's what life is, no matter which gender we are expressing.  Compromise is part of life and I realized that to give up one gender expression for another was actually just another form of compromise.  So, I express both of my gender personalities by living a double life.  Sometimes I'm a girl and other times I'm a guy and whichever personality I am expressing, I'm happy. 

[Mirrabooka]

 

On 5/21/2023 at 10:26 PM, April Marie said:

...letting my hair grow out helped...

 

 

@April Marie Do you find that the longer your hair got, the easier it was to accept the path that you were on?

[April Marie]

1 hour ago, Mirrabooka said:

 

@April Marie Do you find that the longer your hair got, the easier it was to accept the path that you were on?

I'm not sure I would say it helped me to accept the path - that took working with my therapist to really acknowledge my identity. Growing my hair, though, has helped me to "see" myself when I look in the mirror without a wig or make-up. It has also helped ease my dysphoria - especially during my times as "April in Drag" - one of those touchstones that keep me grounded to my identity, if that makes sense. It's now long enough that I am only wearing my wig from time to time - I still love that shoulder length hair, though, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get my own hair to look like it.

 

It's kind of funny because although I'm growing it out, it's still not as long as when I was in high school. 

 

Getting my ears pierced also helped ease my dysphoria since I now always have earrings in. I typically wear small hoops but love swapping them out for larger hoops or something more feminine when I can. Clip-ons or spring loaded earrings just aren't the same and I had to take them off when I was in my male persona. Not any more! 🙂

[Mirrabooka]

 

12 hours ago, April Marie said:

Growing my hair, though, has helped me to "see" myself when I look in the mirror without a wig or make-up.

❤️

[AllieJ]

I guess the double life is familiar to most who have transitioned, and I spent most of this century being fully me at home, but mostly my other self outside. Though, my other self was not so different. I have been dealing with being trans since the '50's, but being a single parent in my 30's made me realise I could not hide my maternal side. So much so that I was invited to join a mothers club, and entrusted to care for their children. One mother even invited me to a Jewellery party, telling me she forgot I was a man as I was so gentle and non assertive. I stopped suppressing my emotions, and was known for crying at both sad and happy things. And so everybody around me got to know me as a soft and sensitive person, who could also be tough and do manly things when needed. For much of my life I was a diesel mechanic working on heavy equipment, but my colleagues recognised that I could do everything they did, but I did have a softer side.

 

When I married for the second time, my wife agreed to me dressing as myself all the time I was home as she realised I needed that outlet. I worked as a man with a group of women who soon realised my nature was as female as theirs, and they made me an 'honorary woman'! So when I came out to them some 4 years ago, they were initially surprised, but all said I made more sense, and realised I had been true to myself all the time they had known me. 

 

For me, being female wasn't the clothes or hair, but the way I lived. I was the housewife at home and cried for joy at work when a colleague announced she was pregnant. I lived for my children and grandchildren, so much that my work colleagues called me 'Nana'. I didn't really know the challenge of having one personality in public, and another when I was on my own, for I was me at all times!

 

hugs,

 

Allie

[Birdie]

6 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

 

❤️

I decided to grow my hair out as well. I started from a mullet, so while the back is shoulder length, the sides are only about 1" over my ears. It actually looks quite nice the way it is, but I will continue to let it grow. 

 

I had my hair almost to my waist in high school, so I'll try and get it there again. 💖

[Sandy]

On 6/24/2023 at 5:10 AM, Birdie said:

I decided to grow my hair out as well. I started from a mullet, so while the back is shoulder length, the sides are only about 1" over my ears. It actually looks quite nice the way it is, but I will continue to let it grow. 

 

I had my hair almost to my waist in high school, so I'll try and get it there again. 💖

Birdie, you know me I have always been both male and female mixed into one. I learned that when I was born the doctor wanted to do surgery to make me female because I had a micro-penis and he felt it would be best to make the change right then. I have always known I was both mixed into one and now as my body moves me into a D-cup bra with hips to match I feel the doctor was correct way back then. I just move from day to day trying to get by as best I can. My father told me to "act like a man" and that is just how I felt about it, just acting.

I don't want to bore everyone with my story so I'll end it here.

Thanks 

Sandy

[Birdie]

3 hours ago, Sandy said:

Birdie, you know me I have always been both male and female mixed into one. I learned that when I was born the doctor wanted to do surgery to make me female because I had a micro-penis and he felt it would be best to make the change right then. I have always known I was both mixed into one and now as my body moves me into a D-cup bra with hips to match I feel the doctor was correct way back then. I just move from day to day trying to get by as best I can. My father told me to "act like a man" and that is just how I felt about it, just acting.

I don't want to bore everyone with my story so I'll end it here.

Thanks 

Sandy

Yes Sandy, we both have very similar stories. 😉

You can freely share your story here since there are a few intersex members here already as well. 

No one here will be offended in the least.

Again, welcome to the other forum

 

Birdie 💖

 

[MaybeRob]

Assuming I actually get to start HRT (yes, I'm impatient), I guess I will still be living a double life. The difference will be the female/male balance, the goal being female persona and the dominant one. I don't intend to come out to family and friends mainly because I have seen the reaction to my son coming out as gay. I call it humorous bigotry, they make hurtful comments

and make it seem like a joke. My wife and I have not slept together in about 20 years - so that won't be too hard. Pretty much we are housemates, nothing more - just linked financially. She has said jokingly that we would divorce but can afford to, but it seems more than a joke. 

 

Hugs

 

MaybeRob