Introducing myself, learning to embrace the real me

[EasyE]

Hello all. Not sure where to start. My story feels so complicated that I could write for days, but I guess that is all of us.

 

To be brief: My name is Eric (lots of folks call my “Easy E” because I'm pretty laid back, hence the screen name). I am 52. For most of my life, I just thought I was a weird guy who had an unnatural fascination with wearing women's underwear (a fascination that I made sure NO ONE knew about).

 

Over the past year, though – through a perfect storm of events and opportunities – I realize that it is much more than underwear. And that I am ready to be more public with this side of me.

 

Am I trans? Non-binary? A cross-dresser? Gender-creative? None of the above? All of the above? I am still trying to puzzle it out, and I am full of contradictions.

 

All I know is something genuinely feminine has ignited in me, from embers that seem to have been there all along. And I don't think there is any going back to just being a "normal" guy – and I don't want to go back. I really like this side of me, though it is incongruent with most of the people closest to me.

 

I've ditched a lot of my guy stuff and have accumulated a huge wardrobe of women's clothes over the past year – panties, skirts, shorts, socks, sleepwear, athletic wear, bras, camisoles, perfume. I love to PUT ON femininity in many facets, but I don't necessarily feel a strong urge to BE female, adopt female pronouns, have a female name. Or maybe I do. I've thought a lot about the MTF bottom surgery lately and get tingly all over thinking about “re-purposing” my penis into the female form. (The other aspects of transitioning, like going on hormones or living full-on as a woman for at least a year, don't thrill me nearly as much).

 

Anyways, I am married with two fantastic kids, and this has caused no shortage of angst since revealing this side of me to my wife a couple months ago (I finally had to tell her after 20 years of hiding - she's pretty horrified, sad to say). Our problems go much deeper than my choice of wardrobe and whether I'm trans or not. Will I still be married at this time next year? Hard to say. I haven't exactly been a great husband, this issue aside. 

 

One thing I am becoming more sure of, though. After much wrestling, I am starting to embrace who I am and to be more at peace with the fact I have a strong feminine dimension. And to like this person a lot, regardless of the mystery behind it, who this bothers and how it breaks societal norms.

 

Maybe that's the most important part...

 

I am very glad to be here. Blessings to everyone for taking a few minutes to read my post.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  Look around at our posts and you will see that your story has been told many time over.  It sounds to me that it is time for you to be looking for a Therapist who deals in gender issues and probably marriage issues as well  Almost all Gender Therapists have been marriage counselors at one time or another.  Again, welcome read what it here and post either questions for yourself and answers to others as you can.  Have fun. 

[Mirrabooka]

Welcome aboard, EasyE. As Vicky said, your story has been told many times over. In fact, and what made me take notice, is that the first half of your intro is almost identical to my story. 

 

You've found a good community here.

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums!! As Vicky noted, you would probably benefit greatly from working with a gender therapist to help sort through who you are and want to become. There is so much great information available here as well as wonderful people to answer your questions. Best wishes in your journey!!!

[Charlize]

Welcome Easy.  I can certainly relate to your share.  In my case I began to go out, presenting as female.  There came a time when I simply never wanted to be seen as a man.  I did go to therapy.  The folks here recommended that some 12 years ago.  That helped me a great deal, not only with my gender but with my family.  I consider myself fortunate to have a loving family still.  They may have preferred the guy but know and love the woman as well.  
please feel free to open up here.  Sharing with others really helps.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[EasyE]

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I appreciate it more than you know! 

 

I have been seeing a therapist since last June; it started for other issues. It took me a few months to come around to telling her everything about this side of me. I was waiting for the axe to fall when I did -- "this is why you are so screwed up!" But the opposite happened. She has been very supportive and was the first to really say around me, "there is nothing wrong with all of this."

 

That helped unlock me quite a bit, and I think I've gone a little wild since then. And WalMart, Amazon, Target, Kohls, etc. have a lot more of my money!

 

It helps to know a lot of us share the same story/background. I've been trying to tell me wife that this is really a thing for many folks who were born male. She doesn't get it still. I had problems with porn for a long time (deep sigh at this part of my life - thankfully in the far rear-view). She thinks this is all inter-related and thinks I'm still in deep sexual sin. I try to tell her this is different. This is more about identity and self-expression and (and more than that). But we remain at ground zero. 

 

We began seeing a marriage counselor at the turn of the year (we've been separated for awhile). I finally got to the point where I couldn't NOT tell her about this part of me. I am tired of hiding. I realize that had been one of my biggest downfalls as a husband, my tendency to hide and deceive (the porn, etc.). I don't want to live like that any more, with anyone. I may be alone but at least I'll have integrity (for a change).

 

At first, I told her I would give up all of this for her. But I have since revisited that thought because I don't think I can. And I don't think I want to. Not because I don't love her. But because I know this is a side of me that is real. It's me! So, as hard as it is, I feel like I have to tell her that this is the real me, and this real me will love her to the max if she chooses to stay with me. But then I have to let the chips fall with whatever she decides.

 

Thanks again for listening...

[Ashley0616]

Hi EasyE! I have had similar experiences but I just felt right that I'm becoming a trans woman. I was married and my wife wasn't happy when I told her that I wanted to be trans woman. At first she accepted it but shortly after she changed her mind. I'm now going through an annulment and she wants a lawyer to get involved. I had to say goodbye to her and a boy that I was about to adopt. I originally thought that if my depression would go away then maybe my gender dysphoria which I have had since I was 6. I couldn't come out because I knew my family wouldn't get me the help I needed. After high school I joined the military and I couldn't come out still because they had a don't ask don't tell policy. After that I was in denial and waited till this year to finally come out. I lost a lot of family members but I feel a little better because I'm not living in secret. I got myself a decent amount of  women's clothes. My advice is to not rush into and really think about which route you want to take. You still got time so no rush. Hugs!

[Ivy]

Welcome EasyE.

My story has some similarities to yours.  I think for some of us the porn thing is not so much wanting to be with the woman, but to be the woman.  I have been told this is pretty common - for what it's worth.

[Mmindy]

Welcome to TransgenerPulseForums @EasyE

 

I love the reason for the screen name.

 

Take it easy, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Nicole D]

Hi @EasyE,

 

I had some similar issues. I found a book "Am I trans Enough" by a GT called Alo Johnston. There's a chapter on the sexual side of things. My summary is that it's not surprising that someone AMAB who has a subconscious sex that is female (and doesn't realize it) would be attracted to any kind of gender-change fantasy, and that this might be their first conscious sign of a trans identity. Now I mean fantasy in the general sense here, i.e. not necessarily sexual. But these kinds of fantasies mainly exist in porn and are almost never explored out of porn. So we explore them in porn and the whole identity becomes sexualized and (to some) shameful. To compound the problem, there are crackpot (and thoroughly debunked) theories such as autogynephilia that attempt to link a trans identity to sexual fetish. These do a lot of harm. A trans identity is not a sexual fetish. In fact the sexual aspect usually fades over time.

 

These fantasies are not shameful, they are potentially a gateway to your identity. You are on a voyage of self discovery, and I wish you well. As @VickySGV suggested, I think seeing a GT would be very helpful to guide you in your journey and help with your family.

 

Good luck, and have compassion for yourself. Also try to have compassion for your wife. She is on this journey with you, and it will be a very hard journey for her.

Nicole.

[Susan R]

Welcome @EasyE It’s nice to have you in our ranks on this forum. I very much enjoyed reading your introduction. Your story describes so many common threads among the members here on this forum.

 

3 hours ago, Nicole D said:

As @VickySGV suggested, I think seeing a GT would be very helpful to guide you in your journey and help with your family.

I also believe a therapist’s guidance (especially one that focuses on gender identity issues) may be one of the most helpful things for you at this stage in your questioning and development of true self. Therapy has been a life changing experience for me and many others in our community. I hope you find answers to your questions and good friendships along the way. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with us.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Betty K]

22 hours ago, Ivy said:

 I think for some of us the porn thing is not so much wanting to be with the woman, but to be the woman.

 

Hi @EasyE and welcome. This (the above comment) is exactly what I was going to say. When I realised that it was like the last piece clicking into place in a puzzle, and porn immediately lessened its grip on me.

[EasyE]

Just re-reading my introduction to this forum from last May (and all the wonderfully warm responses I received-- thank you!)... 

 

I wish I could say I have made concrete strides to figuring all of this out. I still feel like I am spinning my wheels in a lot of ways. 2023 was pretty rough for me, probably the hardest of my life. I lost my mom, continue to be separated from my wife (who still doesn't want anything to do with this part of me or anything remotely trans). I am stuck career-wise, still have a pile of medical bills that won't go away, still feel like I am being a lousy dad since I'm not living at home with my wife and my kids' mom.

 

And I have been riding the fence on next steps with all of this stuff...

 

I went to a doctor about HRT in December (which surprised me how determined I was to do this) and he gave me the OK to start. But then my mom passed, then I had serious GI issues (probably my body's reaction to losing my mom). And so I have been on pause. Some days I am ready to jump. Give me the script and let's get this party started! Other days not so much.

 

I learned this week that the doc who approved my HRT is leaving his practice in a few months, so I'll have to start over even if I do begin the HRT party. And two therapists, who I have been seeing since 2022 and who I really liked, also have moved on to other things in recent months. I feel adrift in many ways. I finally found folks to open up to and now they are gone. The new person who has started at the practice is nice but she's young and inexperienced and doesn't know how to ask the deep questions her predecessors were so good at...

 

There would just be so many repercussions if I transitioned all the way like I sometimes think about. I guess I am trying to figure out a way to have my cake and eat it too, and that's probably not an option. I just love the female form so much -- the clothes, the curves, the eyes, the mystery.

 

Can I function in life as a guy but with all the girl parts underneath my clothes?  

 

Is this just a sexual fetish thing? I grapple with that too. In some ways, it probably is. But then again I can't picture a scenario where I would ever be personally unhappy if I had all the female parts instead of the male parts (much to the horror of others around me if they knew I felt that way). Maybe if I lost feeling down there and couldn't do the solo thing anymore I would have regrets. But maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing in the long run since I tend to rely too much on that anyways.

 

Now I am rambling. And probably TMI.

 

Going into 2024, I picked out a word I wanted to focus on. It was "clarity". Right now things are still pretty foggy. But the year is still young. Maybe next year when I revisit this forum, things will be more clear... thanks for listening/reading...

[Ivy]

I would guess that most of us question ourselves at times.  I mean, I still do and I've changed my name and gender markers.  I don't regret it though.

My situation is a lot different than yours.  My kids are all adults - although the youngest is staying with me these days.  My ex and I split before I began to transition.  She is supportive, but remarried.

I do get lonely.  I think I could probably find a partner if I was living as a guy, but that's not an option for me.  Between my age and being a trans woman, there aren't many options where I live.  That's hard, I do have a romantic nature.

I do feel right as a woman, an old woman in my case.  

I'm in a position where I am having to rebuild my life, it seems like from scratch - although that's not exactly true.  I'm not sure where to go from here, but I know I can't go back - and don't want to.

[Mmindy]

@EasyE this is where the experienced therapist would help.

I'm not one so I can only share my experience on a slow transition. Like @Ivy I'm older and my children are grown.

My wife is a very reluctant supporter and I'm grateful for that, because it allows me to be honest when we talk about where I am and where I'm going in transition. Your transition isn't a race or competition with anyone else who is transitioning. You need to move at your personal rate forward. I can say that your feelings about transition won't go away. Many of us have purged our closets of everything involved with our transition, only to start all over again. Give your new doctor and therapist a chance, and know you're supported here no mater your decision and point of transition. 

 

Hugs, and rambling commentary is what we do.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Ashley0616]

@EasyE I agree as previously stated about an experienced therapist. I can only imagine how it must feel to be away from your kids and wife. Maybe things will work out. Maybe she needs time to think things over. Just don't force anything on her or the kids.You will get through things one way or another. I'm here in case you need someone to talk to. I'll keep y'all in my prayers! 

[MaeBe]

I think our stories are similar, but our challenges have defined our paths to branch out in different directions.  I, too, had this awakening that I had these urges to be more feminine. The more oxygen I gave it, the more I realized how much joy it brought and that brought on a whole lot of questioning. Like Mindy's. my wife has struggled somewhat but she has been supportive. I don't know how reluctant she is, but it's definitely not been easy for her to reconcile a "feminine partner" that has been her "husband" for nearly 20 years. My kids are teenagers and gender doesn't seem to bother them whatsoever! So there has been support at home and with that base I have been able to explore myself.

 

Even with that, I have struggled with a "what is this actually?" and I've come to find that I have less and less need to define it as I go. I go out in femme clothes and in makeup of varying levels of fullness, I introduce myself to new people with my feminine nickname but maintain my given name, I use the men's bathroom (but feel more uncomfortable with it by the day), and outside of work I operate pretty much in girl mode. That's not to say I do it well or that I try to or do "pass" (I definitely don't), but I also haven't deemed it necessary for the world to address me in any particular way.

 

I guess, less to say, I'm letting myself go with the flow. I haven't hit many, if any rocks yet, but I'll be sure to post about them in my blog here if/when I do! 🤭

 

I wish you the clarity you seek and, even if you don't achieve it, take heart in knowing that you're not alone.

 

💜Mae

[EasyE]

1 hour ago, MaeBe said:

I, too, had this awakening that I had these urges to be more feminine. The more oxygen I gave it, the more I realized how much joy it brought and that brought on a whole lot of questioning."

Thank you for all for the kind words and advice. I really appreciate it. 

 

The quote above is so me! I gave the feminine part of me oxygen about 18-24 months ago and suddenly I had an out-of-control wildfire that I never anticipated. 

[Timi]

2 hours ago, EasyE said:

I gave the feminine part of me oxygen about 18-24 months ago and suddenly I had an out-of-control wildfire that I never anticipated. 

Oh yes! Great analogy. That made think of the Mark Twain anecdote about the time he started a little campfire and got distracted and turned around to see a wildfire racing away over the hilltops. Admittedly not so funny these days - but in his time it was an "uh oh I didn't see that coming" moment. 

 

So much of what I'm reading in this thread is so comforting to know that I'm not alone. Thank you all for sharing. 

 

-Timi

[Charlize]

EasyE i can certainly relate to both your fear and journey.  I also debated whether dressing was  some kind of sexual fetish.  Therapy helped a great deal.  Funny how the bit about Mark Twain above reminded me of Tom Sawer"s wearing of a dress as a disguise.  How i was glued to that section of the book as a child.  I remember hecwas "found out" because he brought his legs to catch an object tossed at his lap.  I filed that away.  Seems Twain didn't wear a skirt much because it doesn't work too well after all.   Sexual fetish?  I think not

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize