Struggling with feelings of isolation and loneliness

[Brynn Walters]

I feel like an island.  My recent coming out as bigender and bisexual to my wife of 32 years has been difficult, but we are holding it together.  She is trying to be tolerant of light to medium makeup and nail polish in public, but does not (and likely will not ever) find it anything but off-putting.  I can only lean into my female gender privately at this time, and when I do it’s a heartbreaking combination of euphoric joy and intense sadness.  
 

What good is finally finding myself after all these years if it just leaves me trapped all over again?

 

Wondering if any of you have experienced/are experiencing similar struggles.  I have a great and supportive therapist who tells me to keep hoping for movement with my wife over time, that she will need a good long while to adjust and may be more open in the future, but I don’t want to pin my hopes on that.

[Vidanjali]

Hi @Brynn Walters . It's good you reached out when you feel lonely and isolated. I think many of us have felt that way especially when first coming out. Ironically, the isolation and loneliness can feel even more intense after coming out to a partner, depending on their reaction. One's partner is often one of the first ppl you'll come out to. And there's so much fear and anticipation leading up to it. You finally do it. And instead of feeling liberated, you feel even more closeted in a way if their reaction isn't total acceptance. It's because your partner is your #1 reflection of yourself. If they don't seem 100% accepting of you, it's easy for you to immediately internalize that as if how they feel about your gender/sexuality is necessarily the very truth of who you are. I'm speaking from experience. When I first came out to my husband, I went from feeling like I was on cloud nine finally shedding the masks I'd worn all my life, to feeling guilty and ashamed because I was the "cause" of his suffering. I think for me that was the crux of my struggle - I had lived my whole life feeling I was broken, then finally gathered the insight and strength to let that belief go, only to find myself struggling with having internalized "I am the problem" once again. It's a process. Sounds cliché, perhaps, but that's the truth. My husband went through and continues to go through process too. The guiding light for me all along as far as my relationship was concerned was that being and becoming my genuine self had to be right, and that if our relationship was true he'd see I'm more me than I've ever been - if I cannot be happy to be me & have this relationship, then I will accept my path. I have told him dispassionately that I chose him, I still choose him, and that if he decides he needs to move on, it's not what I would choose, but I'd accept it & let him go. There were dark times I really didn't think we'd make it. But, he has really surprised me. To this day, he is not only accepting of me, but affirming. He is protective and actively paying attention to trans-related news. He is a steadfast partner and ally. It definitely does not happen overnight. I certainly did not pin my hopes on it - I had no idea what to expect. But, people can be surprising. Just keep working on your happiness & keep reaching out to this community. We will buoy you. 

[Zelaire]

I've been very much in turtle mode here and around my gender questioning for a few months now, but I wanted to say from my limited experience, Brynn, you're definitely not alone. And your response is both so insightful and hopeful, Vidanjali. I appreciated reading it. 

[Brynn Walters]

5 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Hi @Brynn Walters . It's good you reached out when you feel lonely and isolated. I think many of us have felt that way especially when first coming out. Ironically, the isolation and loneliness can feel even more intense after coming out to a partner, depending on their reaction. One's partner is often one of the first ppl you'll come out to. And there's so much fear and anticipation leading up to it. You finally do it. And instead of feeling liberated, you feel even more closeted in a way if their reaction isn't total acceptance. It's because your partner is your #1 reflection of yourself. If they don't seem 100% accepting of you, it's easy for you to immediately internalize that as if how they feel about your gender/sexuality is necessarily the very truth of who you are. I'm speaking from experience. When I first came out to my husband, I went from feeling like I was on cloud nine finally shedding the masks I'd worn all my life, to feeling guilty and ashamed because I was the "cause" of his suffering. I think for me that was the crux of my struggle - I had lived my whole life feeling I was broken, then finally gathered the insight and strength to let that belief go, only to find myself struggling with having internalized "I am the problem" once again. It's a process. Sounds cliché, perhaps, but that's the truth. My husband went through and continues to go through process too. The guiding light for me all along as far as my relationship was concerned was that being and becoming my genuine self had to be right, and that if our relationship was true he'd see I'm more me than I've ever been - if I cannot be happy to be me & have this relationship, then I will accept my path. I have told him dispassionately that I chose him, I still choose him, and that if he decides he needs to move on, it's not what I would choose, but I'd accept it & let him go. There were dark times I really didn't think we'd make it. But, he has really surprised me. To this day, he is not only accepting of me, but affirming. He is protective and actively paying attention to trans-related news. He is a steadfast partner and ally. It definitely does not happen overnight. I certainly did not pin my hopes on it - I had no idea what to expect. But, people can be surprising. Just keep working on your happiness & keep reaching out to this community. We will buoy you. 

Thank you so much for your kind words.  Yes, I too, feel like I’ve let my wife down and betrayed her, albeit unintentionally.  Trying to remember that the only path forward is to be my authentic self.  I pray that path includes my wife, and that she will be more accepting and forgiving over time.  It’s so painful to have the person you love the most not be able/willing to offer you total acceptance, or at least try to.  Again, thanks.  I’ve re-read your words many times and I’m sure I will revisit them in the days to come. I appreciate your encouragement and support.