Where am I?

[Ashley0616]

Congratulations for me I was living in denial until my soon to be ex put on make-up and I never felt so great! I felt empowerment and walking on clouds. I'm much younger than that, I'm only 39 and I have my kids already. They are very young still ages 7 and 3 so my 3-year-old will probably not remember me as a man. My 7-year-old probably will, and he was accepting. It took a couple of times explaining it but him being so young I can understand. It really is nice to read other people's walk of life. 

[Karen Carey]

The journey continues - slowly.

 

A Happy New Year to all.

 

I started HRT 4 weeks ago, after seeing my GP, as recommended by my endocrinologist. I have noticed little effect so far but my wife has commented that I appear less stressed.  I was not aware that I had been stressed, but obviously she had noticed.  My thought is that it is quite likely that the action of starting HRT has had a psychological effect upon me that others have noted. So we wait and see.

 

I am using HRT patches that are recommended by the endo. They are not plentiful (seems to be a world-wide problem), and I have had to try a couple of pharmacies to get them. At each one the pharmacist has asked if it was for me. I naturally said that it was, prompting the question "May I ask why you are taking it?"  I stood tall, looked them in the eye, and replied, "Because I am transgender."  I detected a widening of their eyes, but with a friendly response! That really gave me a lift to own it!

 

Another small step this week - I have booked my first manicure and eye-brow shaping.  I am using a local, trans-friendly beauty clinic that also does laser and electrolysis hair removal. A lot to talk about with them.

 

Karen

 

 

 

 

[MirandaB]

I was on HRT just a little while when I realized there was some stress that I must have lived with forever was melting away, I didn't know it was there until it went away, like an annoying noise your brain tunes out until it stops and you say, aaahhh..

[KathyLauren]

11 hours ago, RhondaS said:

I was on HRT just a little while when I realized there was some stress that I must have lived with forever was melting away, I didn't know it was there until it went away, like an annoying noise your brain tunes out until it stops and you say, aaahhh..

 

That's a good way to describe it, and it is what I experienced too.  I am not aware of my tinnitus most of the time, but if it suddenly stopped, I would probably jump and wonder "What was that?" 

 

The stress of pretending to be a man for 60 years was just a fact of life that I had learned to carry without being aware of it.  When it stopped, I woke up one morning and realized that It had been there but now it was gone.

[Karen Carey]

The continuing journey.

 

I have been on low-dose HRT for over three months and am able to report there have been some small changes. However, the hoped-for calming of dysphoria is not yet apparent.

 

At the end of February I had a blood test and sent it my endo together with a report of effects and progress.  T was well down, estrogen was well up, seemingly fine for my situation.  He was keen to hear of any progress with social transition.  This, together with name-change, is normally a pre-requisite for a graduated increase in HRT. I explained to him that I had said from the outset that social transitioning was uncertain (typically age, circumstances) and that I wanted to try damping down GD. So, as I expected, the HRT level remains the same. After six months on HRT I have a consultation scheduled with my psychiatrist followed by one with the endo.  Inevitably there will be discussion on transitioning and name change, and whether the GD has eased.  

 

Meanwhile I continue to see my therapist and buy clothes! Two weeks ago I celebrated my 80th birthday with my family. My wife gave me a voucher for beauty treatment at a trans-friendly clinic near us. That was emotional!

 

Karen
 

[Mmindy]

2 hours ago, Karen Carey said:

My wife gave me a voucher for beauty treatment at a trans-friendly clinic near us. That was emotional!

Happy Birthday Karen,

This was as nice gift, along with the implied acknowledgement of who you are.

 

Acceptance,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Karen Carey]

An update on my journey.

 

When I joined this forum in Dec 23 I thought that I was genderfluid. Later, as time progressed, and with regular visits to my therapist, I started to think that I was transgender.  A diagnosis last August confirmed that I had gender dysphoria, adding weight to thoughts of being transgender.  I started low-dose hrt on Dec 6, recommended by my psychiatrist and endo. The idea was to see how it would affect me - either ease the GD or push me down the path to transition.  The first four months saw some small physical changes, and minor mental changes, but no reduction in GD. If anything the drive to transition seemed to be growing.

 

Then @SallyStone started to post installments of her life story.  I started to read them about three weeks ago, and they struck some chords. They made me think of my situation in a different way, and, without being too melodramatic, a switch was thrown, turning off the strong desire to transition. I am pretty sure that low HRT coupled with her story has worked.  I saw my therapist yesterday, and explained it to her.  Certainly my feelings have changed, and we both agreed that maybe I have reverted to genderfluid. This is something of a relief because social transitioning was the thing that I feared most.  I am trying not to analyse things too deeply, just hoping that the calmness that I feel will remain.

 

Fingers crossed.

 

Karen

[Ivy]

14 minutes ago, Karen Carey said:

Fingers crossed.

Yes

[Karen Carey]

Where am I?   I now have the answer.

 

A short recap. Having been diagnosed with gender dysphoria last year, at the age of 79, I started an initial dose of HRT in December. My psychiatrist suggested that it was likely to affect me in one of three ways. Firstly, that oestrogen was not right for me and to discontinue it; secondly that it might push me down the road to transition; thirdly that it might temper the dysphoria such that there would be no need to seek further transition. I felt a mix of wanting two and three, but with social transitioning (outside the family) terrifying me. 

 

The first four months produced mild physical and mental changes that I have talked about before, and seem to be common. I felt that the HRT was easing me down the path to transitioning, encouraged by an Endo who was keen to hear of my progress with name-change and coming out further. (This on the assumption that I wanted to increase the HRT. I did not.)

 

Then, something strange happened.  In April I started reading @SallyStone’s chapters of her life (Sally’s Trans World, a wonderful read).  She made me think hard, and in a slightly different way from before. A switch clicked off.  It was 15th April when the desire to transition left me. Of course, the dysphoria has not wound back to zero.  I still love the feminine, admire the feminine form, and dressing as a woman. But, the urge to transition has gone.  The fear that I may regress just as suddenly is now easing. The result is a much more relaxed me.

 

My psychiatrist is very pleased (as am I) with the effect that HRT has had on me, and while recognising that GD is still his diagnosis, he recommends staying on the low dose. My GP is delighted that I am not proceeding any further with transition from a medical perspective. For me, the small physical effects that I am experiencing are outweighed by the mental benefits.

 

I write this to give a different perspective on the value of low-dose HRT. It may help those with GD who are uncertain about transitioning.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Karen