Did I do something wrong?

[Rowantheboat]

Am I the -censored- for going through my girlfriends phone?

 

So yesterday I had walked with my now ex girlfriend to her job interview. It was a 45 min walk and it killed my legs but I did it to make her happy and be there for her. Fast forward to when we get there. She hands me her phone to play games on. A little bit of context before this, she had lied to me about her suspension so I was kinda having a hard time trusting her (trust issues lmao) So I go into her Microsoft teams (which is what i talk to her off of because I dont have a phone) I see another person in her messages so I go and look and I see them flirting and saying I love you to each other. So i took this guys contact and sent it to myself and deleted it from our messages once i saved it to my contacts. After that I get mad and storm off into the mcdonalds bathroom so I don't cause a scene while shes doing her interview. Then she walks in and repeatedly asks whats wrong because I was visibly pissed. 

   I proceeded to say nothing because I was just gonna let it go for the sake of our relationship. She then asked why I was lying to her. I said "So its not okay for me to lie to you but, you can lie to me repeatedly"

She then asked what I was talking about and I mentioned the "friend" in her phone and their conversations. She proceeded to tell me she didn't say any of those things, then she "blocked" him and said he meant nothing to her. 

Fast forward to 11:07 today. The guy finally responds and tells me "Yeah that's cool bro but why she had me as her Facebook status and not you" then she messages me and says me and her need to talk. (Proving that she unblocked him when I was out of view) 

we keep talking and she comes at me like I'm in the wrong. saying things like

"U think idk yall texted each other tf u doing going behind my back to do -crap-"

and "Yk what [Dead Name]  just bc ur unhappy in life don't mean u gotta -expletive- up mine"

I proceeded to tell her that she -toasted- up her own life by cheating and lying. 

It got to the point where I was so mad I was thinking of telling her whole family so she would get in trouble.

I still might consider it if she tries me.

[Charlize]

Take several deep breaths and try to let go of anger.

 

Big Hugs

 

Charlize

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I don't have much relationship experience outside of my current family....and nothing real before age 26.  But from what you describe, here's my take:

 

Your GF probably shouldn't be talking with somebody in a seemingly romantic manner behind your back.  But how far she has been going is kind of an unknown.  Perhaps there's an innocent explanation, perhaps there isn't.  You don't know.

 

She handed you her phone, so either she didn't think you'd go through it or she legitimately thinks she's being honest and has nothing to hide.  You don't know. 

 

So, there's two major unknowns and I sense quite a bit of anger and mistrust.  No matter who is right or wrong, does that sound like a healthy environment for either of you?  Since your first sentence mentions her as your now "ex" girlfriend, is that something you regret?  If she's not in your life in a romantic way, is there a need to continue feeling angry, or would it be better to find a way to move on and forgive? 

[Mx.Drago]

On 6/6/2023 at 7:31 PM, Rowantheboat said:

Am I the -censored- for going through my girlfriends phone?

 

 

Do you really need help answering this question?

After your statement, let's switch the situation where she doesn't trust you or your activities, and takes your phone you trusted her to play games on, and instead she decides while you ain't look'n to look into your private docs and copy paste whatever upset her then delete the evidence...

Doesn't sound good, no matter the context. So many questions... Yes, there's a lot of unknown/unmentioned stuff but if you don't trust her about something to the point you feel it necessary to resort to seeking peeks into her private stuff without her permission to do so...dude what you doing?

[missyjo]

Rowantheboat

sorry dear but I vote with her. not sure if she was up to something or not but you seriously violated her privacy n then you didn't confront her but downplayed it, after you had acted upon it? way out of bounds. if she was caught with him inside her, that's still discuss able but such à deep breach of trust n privacy...sorry. you stepped way over the line in my opinion. 

now you wonder why she doesn't want to talk? really?

good luck 

[Birdie]

Well, I was married to my second wife and the relationship was obviously going south. We were still together, but just barely. 

One day while cleaning house (I did all the cleaning), I found a notepad under the couch with an unfinished "love letter" to someone. I read it and was horrified, the letter was explaining how she was trapped and being held in the relationship by a violent control freak that had beaten her many times and she was even afraid to go to the police. She was asking "him" to come "handle" the situation when he gets out of prison. 

I made a copy of it and placed it back under the couch where I found it. 

That night I made dinner and served her plate like normal, then placed a copy of the letter on the table with her dessert. 

She got up and destroyed the notepad and copy, then demanded to know if I had made more copies. She then started running around the house breaking things and was calling 911. This whole time I just sat calmly at them table. 

Police arrived and I was arrested for domestic violence, and then told I could not return to my house. 

We were both looking to end then relationship, and I didn't really know how. 

That little escapade of hers did the trick just fine. 

Her soon to be new husband did come looking for me when he got out of prison, I did survive the encounter.

Their marriage didn't, and she ended up alone. 

Needless to say, I have never hit a woman in my life. In fact I don't hit anyone unless it's self defense. The entire thing was a figment of her imagination, except for me being a "clean freak". 

At least that crazy lying weirdo is gone. 

 

[Ashley0616]

I'm a firm believer in giving it everything I got. There are some things that aren't mentioned. It seems like therapy should've been the go to. Always remember fast to listen and slow to anger. I don't know exactly how things were between you and her but things weren't always bad otherwise it would've ended sooner. The other guy doesn't care about you so he could say a lot of false things. Has she done something similar to this before? Have you not made her feel appreciated and loved? Women crave attention, passion and  desire to name some. We need reassurance. I guess what I'm trying to say there is a lot missing. 

[Mx.Drago]

8 hours ago, Birdie said:

Well, I was married to my second wife and the relationship was obviously going south. We were still together, but just barely. 

One day while cleaning house (I did all the cleaning), I found a notepad under the couch with an unfinished "love letter" to someone. I read it and was horrified, the letter was explaining how she was trapped and being held in the relationship by a violent control freak that had beaten her many times and she was even afraid to go to the police. She was asking "him" to come "handle" the situation when he gets out of prison. 

I made a copy of it and placed it back under the couch where I found it. 

That night I made dinner and served her plate like normal, then placed a copy of the letter on the table with her dessert. 

She got up and destroyed the notepad and copy, then demanded to know if I had made more copies. She then started running around the house breaking things and was calling 911. This whole time I just sat calmly at them table. 

Police arrived and I was arrested for domestic violence, and then told I could not return to my house. 

We were both looking to end then relationship, and I didn't really know how. 

That little escapade of hers did the trick just fine. 

Her soon to be new husband did come looking for me when he got out of prison, I did survive the encounter.

Their marriage didn't, and she ended up alone. 

Needless to say, I have never hit a woman in my life. In fact I don't hit anyone unless it's self defense. The entire thing was a figment of her imagination, except for me being a "clean freak". 

At least that crazy lying weirdo is gone. 

 

I'm sorry that sounds terrible, but big difference is you both were married and you were cleaning( good partners help in keeping the house, not your fault she couldn't properly put her private letters away), so you're fine. Your actions were very reasonable and you tried to talk to her first...like an rational adult should.

It's very different to happen upon documents while cleaning, then actively looking through a person's stuff for dirt, especially on their private phone.

[missyjo]

Birdie, 

you rock girl. sorry you went through that but I think your confronting her and asking was fine. her réaction was odd but hey. good for you.

 

rowantheboat, dear, this is different, see if you would have told your girl you know I um went to use the phone n noticed something I wanted to ask about maybe ok..but when she asked why didn't you speak up? oh well..spilled milk love. 

 

hugs

[SuratGuy1983]

Hi,

 

This is quite a strange situation. I mean shes texting someone else behind your back but then at the same time she gives you her phone so that you can pass the time and play games.

 

You went through your partners phone which is not exactly cool. I am trying not to be judgemental but for whatever reason you did go looking through it and decided to see whats up and found what you did.

 

Now the thing that is sort of swirling around in my mind is that

a)she either trusted you enough to give you her phone showing trust

b) or she kinda wanted to get caught???

 

We're humans and we make mistakes. There were times when my ex-wife trusted me with her phone and I did end up snooping around a couple of times. I never really did find anything that would suggest shes cheating or doing / saying anything behind my back that would hurt our marriage. Of course it ended because of several other issues that we had but that's not the topic at hand. So I won't beat you to death and blame you for getting curious because a lot of us are guilty of it.

 

Now subconsciously we humans also tend to sabotage ourselves many times. Maybe her side of it was that in her mind she was unhappy but was not being open and upfront with you about it. That still doesn't make going behind your back right but again human nature is such that even if we understand that things could go south we take that risk and jump into things head first without thinking of the repercussions or who gets hurt in the process. So we start to build up this sort of "mirage" (thats what i like to call it) inside our head that this is right and its what I want. Then you have to lie to get out if it. The whole "it didn't mean anything" line is the classic line a cheater utters. Why say it at all if it didn't mean anything? And the fact that she has to abuse you later on is again another classic trait of a cheater when they get confronted and caught.

 

But from the beginning of your message I take it that this relationship no longer exists so I'd say its good for you. She might think its a relief to be done with you but Karma is a bitch. She rears her ugly head at a time when people least expect. What goes around will eventually come around.

 

Stay strong and I hope you find happiness with someone who cares.