Transition beginner thoughts. Just wanted to share

[Paul Palmer]

So, I really went through some journey from trying to pass as a transmasc nonbinary to my transition decision. I was working hard on forcing myself into cis woman gender role for 5 years. Not mentioning it failed in general, it used to take out my cognitive resources and I put a huge burden off my shoulders when I gave up on my female side. Would it even exist if I was born as a man? Who knows. Then I let my masculine side flow without any pressure to see where it will take me, as I supressed it for so long and didn't know how serious and how strong the thing is. I used to communicate with many different queer people to see how they live their life being in non-binary spectrum. I wanted to find ot they way to live without transition as I was (and still am) scared of medical side of transition and potential side effects. That was the main reason for my fears, because socially I was very happy being treated right, at least amongst queer community. I have nice an easy communication with gays as they literally want to see in me that masc side I'd like to show, sometimes I had a great waves of gender euphoria, felt like I was finally in the place where I belong. But the more acceptance and respect of my identity I get, the harder it is to look in the mirror. I analyzed the reasons why I discovered myself relatively late (26) and never tried to pass as masc intentionally. I tried to mimic men in everything - the way they look, the way they talk etc., but never tried to claim myself a man too. I never like tomboy or butch visual style in women (or afab?) because it looked too fake to me (but I related to the characters of such people very much). I dressed as a man because "it fits me well", I hated stereotypical feminine clothes, behaviour, pronouns etc. But the most painful thing was always my body: I desperately wanted male proportions, thin hips, veins, abs, jaw, bigger joints - everything men have. Socially I was always seen as someone "more than a woman" and whatever it means it worked for me. Several years of training - and she/her stopped being a problem. Easy social adaptation still throws me into doubt - "am I cis?" even though it's obvious for me and everyone around that I am not. Maybe it just feels easy as I am a hardworker in many aspects and may underestimate the effort I put into it. But the body was always a thing I can't overcome. I really more want to have a man body rather than socialize as a man, but it goes hand in hand and both things are desired. I skipped the most important years of man socialization, but I didn't socialize properly as a woman as well. I feel like I am a blank sheet ready to make myself from scratch. Transition is a perfect mid-age crisis.

So I decided to transition with HRT, top surgery, hysto an possibly no phallo, as I never suffered from lacking of something in my pants and am afraid of backwash dysphoria. Also there are a lot of difficulties and risks in comparison to other gener-affirming care. I am still struggling with my fears of surgery and hormones. And at the same time I haven't had such a right feeling about doing something. It became much easier to put on my right pronuns and turn on my vibe, bc now I see myself at the beginning of the journey. But there's also a fear of no return. To unleash a man side I need to give up on woman totally, I can't play both. I still can't say if I thought I was nonbinary bc I didn't wake up in the morning with the thought "I wanna be a man". Maybe I am binary trans with a great ability to adapt. My female side is an underage, and seems like her road is over, while my man side is a 27 y.o. young adult that aligns with my real age. No way I can go back and live as a woman. I don't have a good plan if I will have to detransition for whatever reason, that's the other fear. I think "am I trans enough to do what I want to do?"an keep smiling at my diagnosis sheet with the word 'transsexuality', the ticket to HRT and surgeries. 

I go without therapy bc at the moment I don't want people around so they will not affect my decisions. Maybe I will need a therapist in progress, but now I prefer to trust my internal feelings. This is the first moment in my life when I don't want a third-party view on the situation. So I seek for no advices, just clean off my chest as I'm trying to reach a surgeon. Thanks for reading.

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and plans, @Paul Palmer.  Best wishes to you.

 

Carolyn Marie