Hi, from someone who’s questioning things

[JaySee88]

Hey there,

 

I’ve procrastinated over writing this for days now. I’ll try not to write an essay, even though I probably could (I’m sure everyone here could!)

 

AMAB and I guess I’ve identified as a male pretty much all my life. I’d have patches where I really wished I’d been born differently in my teens, I think. I figured that was normal. But I’d say I was always probably a more feminine male. 
 

Over the past 10 years, I’ve suffered pretty badly from anxiety and depression. I have great support from a very loving and understanding wife which has helped with that a lot. But during a panic attack last year, I decided to wear my wife’s pyjamas to bed, with her permission. I found that my anxiety was heavily reduced. I slept properly for the first time in a long time. 
 

From there, things have kinda evolved a bit more. I feel more comfortable in feminine looking clothes, I’m feeling like I don’t really fit in with Male peers (I work in a very male dominated warehouse type job, where the language used behaviours can leave me feeling pretty upset, although I’m good at hiding it), I find myself wishing I had been born differently again, and sometimes even feel slight jealousy toward other women, over things like pregnancy, appearance, etc.

 

Anyway, I’ve been talking to a psychologist who suggested reaching out to others to try and understand my feelings, as I feel very unsure and confused. I’m not sure that I’m transgender, but I don’t feel male either… so yeah, just here trying to understand myself a bit better.

 

Thanks for reading anyway! Hope everyone is doing ok 🙂 
 

 

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, @JaySee88!

 

Your story sounds very familiar.  I felt like that most of my life.  It was only when I was 62 that I realized that I really was transgender and did something about it.  I can't tell you that you are transgender, but there is a good chance that you are, and it is definitely something that you should investigate.  We have a saying here that anyone who questions their gender identity is almost certainly not cisgender.

 

Stick around, join in conversations, ask questions.  You have a lot in common with many of us.

 

And if your psychologist is not skilled in gender issues, you might want to as them for a referral to someone who is.  Talking this stuff over with a good gender therapist is very helpful.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Charlize]

Thanks for sharing dear.  I remember having to man up at work.  I was in the construction trades.  I got good at it and can swear like a sailor.  

When i came here i read about others who felt as i did.  I was able to write about my fears and my little steps towards finding self acceptance.  Knowing i wasn't alone helped a great.  In time the shame, fear and guilt have slipped away.

Jump right in.  We help each other as few others can do.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[Astrid]

Hi, @JaySee88and welcome!  

 

Your description is similar to how many here have begun, with a Questioning stage and wanting to understand your gender identity. 

 

With knowledge, you become better equipped to come to an understanding.  For me, my early journey included:

• Reading and working through books like "How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are", and "Life Isn't Binary", both by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker.  Others here can also recommend books they found helpful.
• Working with an experienced gender therapist, who can help guide your journey in very helpful ways. I found that including my spouse was extremely useful for us both!  We're in this together.
• Asking questions here on the Forum -- we're a very supportive bunch, with varied experiences and approaches we're happy to share.

1 hour ago, JaySee88 said:

I’m not sure that I’m transgender, but I don’t feel male either

 

It's not uncommon for folks to feel as if they're somewhere on a spectrum between Male and Female. For example, I came to an understanding that my gender identity is Non-Binary and feminine-leaning.  And it's very common for folks to work through several possible gender labels at first.  The label isn't as important as finding what makes you happy.

 

Best wishes as you work through your journey,

 

Astrid

 

 

[JaySee88]

Thank you so much for your replies, this is exactly what I was hoping for. I will definitely be asking about a gender therapist at my next session with my psychologist. She has been great, by the way. Very supportive and great to talk to. It’s been nice to talk to someone without fear of judgement. But she has openly said she doesn’t really specialise in gender issues. And I do feel like I need to talk to someone with that expertise.

 

I think the “manning up” at work could be causing me the most distress. I get along with  all of my co workers really well, but there are definitely some conversations and comments that pop up regularly that pretty upsetting. 
 

I like the idea of not putting a definite label on it, and just exploring what makes me feel happy and like myself. And I think I’m getting there! My wife has been great and supportive, and I pretty much tell her everything. Her reaction has been as well as I could hope for. It actually feels like nothing much has changed between us at all. 
 

But I feel like the rest of my family wouldn’t be as accepting. Which is why I’m only really myself at home.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your comments!  

[Timber Wolf]

Hi JeeSee88,

 

Welcome to Transpulse.  I'm glad you're here.

 

I have to present male on my job as well.  On my job it could be dangerous being a not passing trans gal. You're not alone. 

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Mirrabooka]

G'day @JaySee88, welcome aboard.

 

Nothing wrong with only really being yourself at home. Everyone has to start somewhere. 

 

Take it slow, keep your wife onboard, explore things together etc. The way I describe myself to my wife is that rather than being a guy who is in touch with his feminine side, I fell in love with my inner woman, which is why I've been a lot more comfortable with myself over the past year or so.

[Mmindy]

G'day @JaySee88

 

You are correct about most of us writing an essay about our life long feeling of wanting to be a girl, then as we grew, we wanted to that woman. The one in our dreams. Like you I've always been a nurturer, and envious of pregnant women, and new mothers. Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums where you can share your thoughts and feeling without being judged, and many will confirm your are not alone.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Astrid]

15 hours ago, JaySee88 said:

I think the “manning up” at work could be causing me the most distress. I get along with  all of my co workers really well, but there are definitely some conversations and comments that pop up regularly that pretty upsetting.

 

I'm now retired, and the same feelings of distress can be said of maintaining relationships with many of my male friends.  I positively cringe at how male privilege -- and wildly unsupported and incorrect assumptions about females -- permeate much of their speech.

 

15 hours ago, JaySee88 said:

My wife has been great and supportive, and I pretty much tell her everything. Her reaction has been as well as I could hope for. It actually feels like nothing much has changed between us at all. 

 

Great to hear.  I quickly learned that communicating honestly with my spouse is immensely important.  She appreciates my efforts to do so, and it helped to normalize this new (and for her, unexpected) dynamic in our relationship.  

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

[EasyE]

Welcome aboard, @JaySee88... I see a lot of myself in your journey (and many folks said the same of me when I first posted what I thought was a long essay, lol)...

 

I am 52, and have always been fascinated with feminine clothing -- and with females themselves. I can't tell if I want to be a female or if I just admire them so much and want their companionship so much that I crave wearing feminine clothes whenever possible. It really does calm me down and bring me a sense of peace that I can't explain... Maybe it's a little of both... All I can say is that God outdid himself by creating women, and they have enchanted me for as long as I can remember... 

 

Hopefully you can find some safe people to share your thoughts, fears, questions and concerns with. That is hardest part, I have found. People are so SENSITIVE to all things gender that it's hard to be real when you are wrestling with stuff for fear of the backlash. I opened up to my wife in March, and it has been pretty much a disaster. My oldest daughter isn't talking to me anymore, etc...

 

One bit of advice: try to be honest with yourself. That may be the hardest part. But necessary as we try to walk out of depression and anxiety and into the light.

[Susan R]

On 6/10/2023 at 6:41 PM, JaySee88 said:

I like the idea of not putting a definite label on it, and just exploring what makes me feel happy and like myself. And I think I’m getting there!

Hi @JaySee88, I enjoyed reading your intro tonight. I can relate to much of the feelings you’ve experienced growing up as so many others here have. You’re not alone at all despite what some transphobic members of our society might want you to believe. As @Astrid pointed out….many, if not all of us, are somewhere on the gender spectrum between male and female and it can change as we mature and learn more about ourselves. This makes labels good for discussion purposes but somewhat inaccurate for so many of us as an accurate determinant of who we are…at our core.

 

It took me 56 years to finally come to terms with myself fully and begin to slowly make the life changes that made me feel whole. It’s good that you’re seeking answers about yourself. Your therapist can be such a big help in finding these answers and like most things in life, you get what you put into it. Also, aligning yourself with a few trusted allies and/or friends is also extremely beneficial. It’s nice to have ideas you can discuss freely with someone who understands and accepts you for you.

 

It’s nice to have you on our forum. Thank you for sharing a little about yourself. I look forward to reading more about you in the future.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum! As so many have already pointed out, your story is similar to many of ours...even though each of us is unique. I went through decades of depression before the emotions finally flooded out and I began therapy. I am still very early in determining what "transition" will finally look like for me but it does require me to spend much time presenting in my male persona. Or, as I now refer to it: "April in drag."  😉  Each week, I nudge the line further towards the feminine side and my sense of "rightness" increases and my smile grows wider so I know I'm on the right path.

 

I'm happy you've found our community. Join in and explore. Search for the "you" that makes you smile and fills your heart with happiness.

[JaySee88]

Thanks everyone, it’s so nice hearing from people with similar feelings and stories. And to also be able to share without being judged. I tell my wife as much as I can, but I do feel very self conscious talking to her, because I really don’t want to upset her or lose her. But I really can’t stress how amazing about this she really is. We have been together since high school (we met in the school band) and have been together ever since. 
 

But I also really feel for everyone who is experiencing tension in their family. It would be very hard, and I hope you have all found support and love.

 

14 hours ago, EasyE said:

I opened up to my wife in March, and it has been pretty much a disaster. My oldest daughter isn't talking to me anymore, etc...

I’m so sorry it’s been so hard for you. I have a 4 year old daughter, and can just imagine what this would be like. Really hope it gets better for you. 
 

Thank you, and to everyone for your advice too, I will really take it on board. It sounds like I’ve still got some figuring out to do. But I feel like coming here was a good step. Thanks for being so welcoming. 

[Emily Elizabeth]

Hi JaySee88, I cant believe how much of your story I can relate too! Thank you so much for sharing, you made me feel a little more normal, whatever that means lol Everything change for me once my wife let me wear her clothes. It totally jumpstarted my journey. I started crossdressing when I was very little, and then when I was 17 I almost got jumped for crossdressing. I had to actually run for my life as a man chased me down the street! So I didn't cross-dress again until I was 28, so 2 years ago. AND MY WIFE put her bra on me and I felt a rush of positive emotions overpower me. Having that loving support of my wife really created a safe place for me to find myself. Thanks again for sharing your truth!

[Mirrabooka]

On 6/12/2023 at 9:18 PM, JaySee88 said:

I tell my wife as much as I can, but I do feel very self conscious talking to her, because I really don’t want to upset her or lose her.

I can relate so much to this! Again, this is so similar to my situation. I've tried, but it is difficult to engage my wife in meaningful or deep conversation about my gender issues, mainly because I already know that she will switch off, but also because despite partially accepting how I am, she doesn't really understand.

[Birdie]

23 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

I can relate so much to this! Again, this is so similar to my situation. I've tried, but it is difficult to engage my wife in meaningful or deep conversation about my gender issues, mainly because I already know that she will switch off, but also because despite partially accepting how I am, she doesn't really understand.

My wife knew I was intersex when we got married, but the extent of the situation was not really known to her/us. 

Pretty much as long as my breasts could be hidden from public view in baggy shirts, vests, jackets, and overalls she was fine with it. 

My stepdaughter came out several years ago and brought her girlfriend over to meet mom. That meeting didn't go over well and they no longer talk. 

That was just about the same time my breasts decided they were not done growing, and bloomed. 

I was still identifying as a male when she couldn't take it anymore and we separated. Everyone knew I had breasts now. 

My wife does want to talk again now, but my other stepdaughter won't allow it. She keeps up separated and tells me mom is making promises she won't be able to keep. 

My stepdaughter knows I identity as female, and the extent of intersex that they have found, my wife still does not and assumes everything is the same except bigger breasts. 

I should contact my wife and explain things a little better. 🤔

[JaySee88]

On 6/16/2023 at 4:10 AM, Emily Elizabeth said:

AND MY WIFE put her bra on me and I felt a rush of positive emotions overpower me. Having that loving support of my wife really created a safe place for me to find myself. Thanks again for sharing your truth!

That’s so awesome that you have that safe place with your wife! She sounds like a wonderful person! I feel like that support is such an important thing. 

 

19 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

I can relate so much to this! Again, this is so similar to my situation. I've tried, but it is difficult to engage my wife in meaningful or deep conversation about my gender issues, mainly because I already know that she will switch off, but also because despite partially accepting how I am, she doesn't really understand.

Yeah that would be tough too. I guess it’s also one of those things that’s so different for everyone, as everyone’s spouse would react so differently. I’ve definitely been lucky there. But on the other hand, I’m also very close with my immediate family (my parents and sister) and I don’t even want to think about telling them what I’m going through. Their views are definitely not very progressive. I mean, the subject of pronouns came up the other day, and they said how ridiculous the whole thing was. I didn’t have the energy to argue.

 

I do feel like if I told them, they would probably try to understand it a bit more, because of how close we all are. But there’s always the risk of things going badly. 

Sometime I daydream about me and my wife and daughter moving far away and starting a new life somewhere, where I can choose who I want to be… haha don’t think that will happen though!

[Mirrabooka]

On 6/17/2023 at 10:17 PM, JaySee88 said:

Yeah that would be tough too. I guess it’s also one of those things that’s so different for everyone, as everyone’s spouse would react so differently. I’ve definitely been lucky there.

Ain't that the truth. Here is an example of my wife's attitude: I have been growing my hair for over a year and to give an indication of its length, if I brushed it over my face, it reaches my chin. Most days I tie it up if I expect my hair to be a nuisance, but otherwise I part it down the middle and tuck it behind my ears. After a shower this evening I parted it severely to one side and tucked the short side behind my ear and left the long side drape over my other ear. My wife said it looked really girly. I replied, "Good!" with a big grin on my face. She then said, "I'm not kissing a girl!" Game over. I gave in again, and reverted to a more acceptable hair style. Despite this it is perfectly accepatble to her for me to use hairspray etc!

 

On 6/17/2023 at 10:17 PM, JaySee88 said:

Sometime I daydream about me and my wife and daughter moving far away and starting a new life somewhere, where I can choose who I want to be… haha don’t think that will happen though!

Fantasies are wonderful, aren't they?

[JaySee88]

Thank you for all your replies. It’s comforting to know that everyone has similar stories, although some people really have a tough time. I guess having a platform like this can make it just that little bit better. 
 

It’s been a few weeks since I posted, and the feelings haven’t gone. A week and a half ago I spent a week performing guitar in a musical, which is something I’ve never done before. I was amongst so many diverse people, and I made so many new friends. They were people I felt that I could probably share some of my feelings with (even though I didn’t really have the time to!)

 

It made me realise that I really need to try and surround myself with other people. And that probably starts with my workplace. 
 

I had many people from the musical ask for my contact details, and said they were keen to get me onto other shows… if I could turn that into a career… that would be a dream!

 

But I’ll see what happens.

[Mirrabooka]

1 hour ago, JaySee88 said:

It made me realise that I really need to try and surround myself with other people. And that probably starts with my workplace. 

As time goes on, I also feel the need to surround myself with like-minded people. Since I started growing my hair and acting just a little more girly, in my eyes anyway, my colleages haven't cared. Sure, they've commented, but it was never going to lead to any sort of meaningful discussion. So, I need to move on.

 

More and more, I feel the need to reach out to some sort of LBGTQI+ support group. Don't get me wrong, this forum is great, but I crave physical interactions that so far, have been unmet. I just don't know who to turn to yet.

 

 

[Birdie]

9 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

I crave physical interactions that so far, have been unmet. I just don't know who to turn to yet

I also craved the same and had not one within my circle of friends that could be trusted in conversation. 

 

I therefore opened up to some of my female friends at the centre that were more than willing to "welcome me to the team", as one of them so eloquently stated. 

 

I have found a wealth of knowledge in our girly conversations. Especially one very proper lady from Spain that has "taken me under her wing" so to speak. 

 

When we step across into the women's section after years of male conditioning we tend not to understand the difference between "sexy and trashy". It's a bit of a learning curve before we got that sorted proper. 

[JaySee88]

Hey, it’s been a while since I commented here, or talked about this to anyone in general. But I’ve been struggling a bit lately. I haven’t seen my therapist in a few months. I feel like it’s good talking to her sometimes, to get things off my chest, but she is admittedly not very experienced with gender issues. Beyond having someone neutral and non-judgmental to talk to (which is definitely a positive thing), I don’t know if I’m making any progression with understanding myself.

 

I’ve briefly looked into gender therapists. I didn’t have a lot of luck in my home town. Sounds like I would either need to pay a lot more money than I could probably afford, or travel interstate, which is pretty impossible at the moment.

 

I’m talking less to my wife about it. Things between us are still great and I still feel the support. But I feel super afraid of upsetting her. I don’t know exactly how she feels about it. I don’t think she knows either. So I’m reluctant to push it. I think she knows I’ve been feeling stressed about it lately. I’ve been expressing myself less. And it stresses me. But I don’t like doing anything behind her back either. 
 

On the plus side, I found new work in a primary school working with struggling children as a teachers aide. Im going to go study teaching next year too. That makes me feel a little better, getting away from the toxic masculinity of my last workplace.

 

But I have all these questions running through my head constantly, and ultimately I feel like I’m running out of time to figure it all out. I don’t know where to begin. Or should I just commit to living this way where I don’t have to confront everyone about it, and just accept who I am by myself. Will I be happy with that? Uhhhhhhh

[Mirrabooka]

And so continues the rocky road of our journeys.

 

Cling to the positives @JaySee88. Your new job sounds like a good change, and it might even allow you to be yourelf a bit more in class and also while you train for a teaching position. Maybe you could also initiate a conversation with your wife along the lines that you are the sort of person more suited to a less stereotypical masculine role and that it makes you happy.

 

You're not running out of time. There's no deadline. Remember the old saying, it's all about the journey, not the destination.

[JaySee88]

22 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

Cling to the positives @JaySee88. 

Thank you, you’re very right. It’s easy to get overwhelmed at times. I think once I start to stress about something, it’s easy for me to spiral. 
 

I’ll definitely need to start initiating conversation a little more. In the past she has been very understanding, so I shouldn’t be so worried. 
 

Thanks again. I’ll keep at it 🙂

[Mirrabooka]

Patience is key. I'm trying to bring my wife along with me, but the only definitive so far is learning what the boundaries are. At least that's someting.