Social vs Medical transition

[Roach]

I've been wondering if medical transition (specifically hormones) is something I should seriously look into. I've always imagined coming out to my family, starting T, blending in and moving on with my life. This is a fairly typical narrative and a way I was under the assumption most guys went about transition. However, every single person is different in their goals, comfort, economic struggles, and presentation. So, that assumption isn't quite accurate to represent a huge group of people.

 

Well, I've come out to my family and socially transitioned. Friends, work, school, etc. People always refer to me correctly and the only ones that are mistaken are strangers I'll probably never see again, which I don't mind.

 

I've done as much as I can to transition, but I still feel like I'm not at a point I'm happy with. I don't think I'm "done" and this is how I'll live for the rest of my life. 

 

So, after this rambling introduction, I want to ask if there's any guys here who decided not to medically transition, or maybe stopped after deciding it wasn't right for them? Even if it's anecdotes about other people you know, I'm interested. Who are the guys out there living their lives without hormones?

 

I want to see what different options there are going from here.

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Roach said:

People always refer to me correctly and the only ones that are mistaken are strangers I'll probably never see again, which I don't mind.

Good evening Roach,

 

For me I think this is the jewel of the post. I don't care if strangers misgender me because I'll probably never see them again. I don't mind being clocked by other queer folks, because they understand the pin, or jewelry.

 

As for your HRT question? I'm sure some of the guys will jump in, let you know how they feel, and their experience.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋🏳️‍🌈

[Roach]

@MmindyThanks for your thoughts! I agree. It honestly doesn't bother me if people get it wrong at first, it's not like they can read my mind.

 

I've been lucky enough that most new people that I meet pick up on context clues and nobody's ever made a fuss about me not appearing a certain way. So, I'm not necessarily worried about passing (though it's always nice if I do) -- I'm simply doing whatever makes me comfortable.

 

Hope you have an excellent day!

[DonkeySocks]

17 hours ago, Roach said:

I've done as much as I can to transition, but I still feel like I'm not at a point I'm happy with. I don't think I'm "done" and this is how I'll live for the rest of my life. 

I think that is a major point: how you feel about it. You've already said you feel dissatisfied, but then again you haven't specified that medical treatments would make you satisfied, so the question is what that point you are happy with feels like. From my experience, that point can only be identified over a little time,  if you don't right now know what it is you want, you can find out, it just takes living with yourself and finding out what your desires and preferences are. When I said that medical treatments might "make you satisfied", I should clarify right away that this comes from you, the ability to be satisfied comes from you, then the medical treatments help.

 

I'm 50 years old. I have not yet medically transitioned. I think that being on T would make me feel much more comfortable mentally; I think my body has one of those brains that's "running the wrong OS", but I'm finding a lot of help in spirituality in this sense. That's where I'm at. I don't think I would have any trouble getting  microdose T from my doctor, as, at my age and older, many afab get a prescription in order to increase libido (I don't require treatment for that, though, but I have done some research on it; but the point of this would be to microdose and follow the doctor's instructions as per libido treatment, NOT actively self-medicate for gender comfort--let me reiterate, this is a common treatment for afabs, and would be meant to be used one way, which also might benefit a trans man emotionally, but should not be used indiscriminately). Also, you can get microdoses of T for transgender treatment and just see how you feel. Some changes from T are permanent. I kind of waver about getting on regular levels of T, because I don't want to go through acne, shaving, the rest of it--even though I always wanted sideburns--yet, I am aware that increased age, at least for some people who post here, increases dysphoria. That concerned me more before I got into some spiritual stuff which I am finding fulfilling when it comes to concerns about age, gender, and the future.

 

I don't want surgeries; I already thought so, and then I had to have surgery for something else, and don't want to do it again, although it is possible that I could approach it with a very different mindset and with less of a victim mentality--prior to the surgery, some hospital incidents made me mistrusting. Incidentally, the surgery I had was a hysterectomy, and I don't feel any more masculine one way or the other. I would urge you, if you decide to have a hysterectomy or must have one done, to talk to several doctors about it and not let them brush you off. I wanted to keep my cervix and one doctor wouldn't listen to me about that at all. I got to keep it only because I got a second opinion and insisted. There are a lot of myths out there about the functions of the cervix, so some doctors think people who want to keep it are buying into those myths, and other doctors literally don't care about the patient's feelings or experience and only want to remove the cervix and claim it doesn't have any function whatsoever. I know my cervix is important to my sexual function personally and I was willing to fight to keep it. Thankfully the only other doctor in my hospital complex who was available, was also willing to listen! I am grateful that it happened the way it did.

 

If turning into a passing male were a push-a-button affair, I would do it, but I do not hate my body, and I'm much, much more gender dysphoric than body dysphoric. I used to have more bottom dysphoria, but sometimes I think having something down there could really make a difference for me, when I actually focus on the thought. But I would never do it surgically, and packers have been kind of hit or miss for me, but I like having a packer to keep around to use on a moment's notice for a gender boost and calming effect, and just to remind myself who I am. Being gendered correctly and wearing men's clothes is a big deal to me, and I'm still working on being gendered correctly, and I'm taking steps in that way and my family is supportive when they remember, and I just bought some gender pins, though I think I will have to buy bigger ones. The ones I got in the mail today are really cute, but tiny and not readable unless you stick your face right up by my lapel.

 

If I may offer some advice: One, I notice more and more that the older people get, the less their gender differences are obvious. It's almost all social. So sticking up for your pronouns and practicing to not misgender yourself in private are some of the biggest freedoms you can grant to yourself. I see a lot of younger people wanting not to transition as such, but to transition into a Hollywood-hot, young model type. Well, fine, and some really do look that way, but cis kids are being led down that path too, with the way appearance is portrayed in some movies and ads. The "real world" is much more accepting of differences.

 

Two, and this is a big one: If you spend any time looking at post-surgery pictures of trans male/nb people's top surgeries with their flat chests or their camp shirts and whatnot, stop doing that for at least three months solid while you discern what you want. I suggest this because something about seeing others' top surgeries makes me emotionally overwhelmed, I admire them so much, sometimes it almost puts me in tears, but after a few days or weeks of not looking at someone else's successful post-op pics, I'm back to equilibrium regarding my feelings about my chest. I really suggest a long retreat from all social media about transition, because for every picture I admire, it might take days to "recover", even though I like to support people, there's something hard to describe in seeing "myself", one of my potential selves, portrayed by someone so happy and glowing. But it is possible to have any feeling you want without going through medical treatment. I promise you this. I do not actually feel deprived, and I'm not denying my feelings, it's more like I don't even know what my feelings are for sure when I look at others' pics. And if your genuine feelings lean toward top surgery, you will only know that by going into a quiet time social-media wise and asking yourself how you feel, over time.

 

Whatever you do you will be fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, DonkeySocks said:

One, I notice more and more that the older people get, the less their gender differences are obvious.

I'm admittedly coming at this from the other direction, but this has been my observation as well.

[Vidanjali]

@DonkeySocks a lot of good advice and perspective. I appreciate you sharing. Would you mind elaborating on how spirituality eases your dysphoria? I have found that to be the case, myself & am interested to know what your experience has been like. 

[Roach]

Thank you so much everyone! I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments.

[DonkeySocks]

4 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Would you mind elaborating on how spirituality eases your dysphoria? I have found that to be the case, myself & am interested to know what your experience has been like. 

Hopefully I can describe it:

 

Letting go of shame, and therefore, for me, a lot of the dysphoria, was a spiritual rather than psychological practice for me personally, although some of this post is going to sound like a therapy session.

 

My spiritual practices have always been a major part of my life, including extensive directed use of the imagination and psychic connections, praying Catholic-style and loving the Saints, but I did not until fairly recently involve conscious use of the imagination (law of assumption) to understand what it really means to be a child of God, and to be bold enough to decide that I will not be preempted by worrying what others think. That was something I had been unable to accomplish myself by applying logic. The law of assumption (conscious practice of it) functions from the inside out: be first, then do/express.

 

I have always been able to picture myself as male, and identified spiritually as male, but I wasn't claiming my right to be gendered correctly. I had to decide on a spiritual level that I am worthy enough to demand (graciously and politely, but firmly) correct gendering in my family and social life. If I feel that I am worthy of respect on all levels and I am telling the truth about myself, then I can experience the euphoria of being gendered correctly in the physical world. I think some people can do this naturally, due to their personalities, or with behavioral therapy, but I did not manage it that way.

 

I had to decide to allow myself to realize that I don't have to "pay" for respect by going through any procedures or behaving in any specific way. I believed it for other people, but I had to own it for myself.

 

Initially I felt that I had to privately accept my spiritual or imagined self, yet not "take up space" or offend people with my gender identity openly, but that proved that I wasn't really accepting myself. I have since accepted myself, not as "good enough" but *actually* enough, not in place of other people's acceptance but as real acceptance from myself.

[Vidanjali]

Thanks for sharing @DonkeySocks . I can relate to much of what you describe, albeit in my own imaginative way. I was raised Catholic, and although I've been rather severely disenchanted by it due to the way in which it was demonstrated by my family, I have always been drawn to and inspired by saints from a very early age. My spiritual path has led me to Vedanta which is the mystical philosophy of Hinduism. The Hindu deities and sages are rather analogous to Catholic saints - embodiments of ideal characteristics of God, each with their own lore and style of devotion. Similarly, I engage in deep inquiry into what it means to be a child of God, again using the language and imagery that resonates with me. In a peaceful state, I understand the body to be an instrument of God & the mind to be a mirror which reflects God's image. Thus, the mind projects the image of God & the senses experience God all around in everything and everyone (with the insight that there exists a veil of ignorance over material objects of the world which obscures the image of God to varying degrees). When my mind is relatively serene, I imagine I am a male image of God with a strong broad chest and a face radiating absolute uninterrupted peace and compassion. (When my mind feels agitated, I imagine many motherly arms of God supporting me and everything around me, but do not myself feel feminine internally.) 

 

I question to what extent I desire to transition for my own satisfaction versus for the benefit of others - like you refer to as "paying". There is no clear delineation. Do I desire to appear more outwardly male for the comfort and ease of others in their identification of me, or is that truly how I wish to "adorn" this body so as to realize greater personality integration? Can I become better integrated by internal self-effort alone? Is altering my physical expression "cheating"? Note that none of my judgements or conclusions about myself apply to others universally as each individual has their own path. I do acknowledge that to the extent I have surrendered gender performance, I have experienced decreasing anxiety and expansiveness of being. I have to decide for myself at what point and in what ways I might encounter diminishing returns, as it were. 

[Astrid]

@Vidanjali -- What a thoughtful and well-written message that contains much of what I have also considered before I came out as non-binary, to whom I came out, and how I handle it five years in.  Which medical steps, if any, best fit an AMAB person like me? After a very thorough investigation, I elected to begin estradiol patches in December, 2019, becoming one of a minority of non-binary folks who do so.  This was, for me, a very positive decision, not so much for the physical changes it brings, which it does, but for the mental improvement and the elimination of all the stress I had built up with my struggling with having to "be and act male".  It truly wasn't me.

 

Additionally, it has afforded me a true gift -- that of a new mental perspective I that was simply missing all those years. My preferences and bearings have shifted into the feminine side of the gender spectrum, so much different than one that is dominated by testosterone.  For me, it's led to a much nicer me, one who's much more mindful of others.

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

 

 

[DonkeySocks]

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

I was raised Catholic, and although I've been rather severely disenchanted by it due to the way in which it was demonstrated by my family, I have always been drawn to and inspired by saints from a very early age.

Same here.

 

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

I do acknowledge that to the extent I have surrendered gender performance, I have experienced decreasing anxiety and expansiveness of being. I have to decide for myself at what point and in what ways I might encounter diminishing returns, as it were. 

Yes, and "clothing" the body in a certain gender expression to any degree might come before interior self-awareness and acceptance and help that self-actualization along, but the individual who thinks all of their performative worries and internal explorations are over if they only get this or that physical change might in some cases find they've been worried about the wrong thing--or not, it might be all it takes to blossom is to transition. Now that I say that, I think that might be the emotional response I have to others' surgery success pics: a sense that the work is somehow magically done, there's no more exploration to do. But that's leaving out everything about their story but the end result pics.

 

Freeing oneself from gender performance issues must be done even after or during transition--especially with harsher expectations of masculinity for trans men. I'm glad that non-binary is more well-known now, it shows there is a spectrum for everyone.