Introduction for Michelle Paquette

[Michelle Paquette]

I was exposed to a powerful synthetic estrogen, Di-Ethyl Stilbesterone (DES) in utero starting around Week 10 of fetal development (after genital and body core formation, but before sexual differentiation of extremities and brain).  This was a drug thought to be effective in preventing miscarriages, of which my mother had had several before I was conceived.  The drug is now known to block the masculinizing effects of testosterone in utero.  Some data on me points to feminine bone structure in the extremities, and female normative characteristics (the default without masculinization) of some sexually dimorphic areas around the hypothalamus.  

 

There were clues when I was very young.  I didn't just know anything at age 6. We didn't have the language or concepts. I did know that as little kids got bigger we would change. I hoped that I would change, and be a girl. All I knew was that I had a little bump of tissue that girls didn't have, and maybe it would shrink away or fall off as I grew. 

 

It was odd, but I knew that I was a boy, a child in a male body.  Once I figured out that this body would be this way for life, the thought of being this way bothered me a bit.  I didn’t think that my wanting to have been a girl was unusual.  I actually believed for a long time that everyone was this way, that all boys wanted be girls.  Other boys were stronger than me somehow, and able to live with being stuck in a male role.  I thought that I was unusually weak because of my difficulty in dealing with this.

 

I went to a parochial elementary and high school, not great for someone like me.  A few yardsticks broken across my wrist convinced me to not talk about wanting to be a girl, and some of what I heard on the playground back in 1959 told me my dream wouldn't be happening. 

 

I had a great deal of trouble with socialization in school, fearing male students and their reactions to me.  Many saw through my imperfect disguise, and I was called out and beaten for being a sissy, ‘girly’ and otherwise not male in my appearance and behavior.  I still had the discomfort and a sense that something was wrong, and it got worse when I was about 13. 

 

At 14 I discovered that if I gave the bus driver an extra dime, I could ride all the way into San Francisco.  In 1967, that was quite the experience.  I wore my boots and flare pants, and in the SF bus terminal I’d change my top to something a bit more Bohemian and brush out my hair, another 14 year old hippie chick running around the city.  Then I’d head off to visit new friends over at Taylor and Turk St, or out near the Panhandle at Haight & Ashbury.

 

I had an extremely effeminate body, with no hair, undescended testicles, and some breast growth.  At 15 I was sexually assaulted in the high school locker room by several of the ‘jocks’.  I received detention for trying to fight off my rapists.

 

Later that year I was caught dressing in a police sweep through the Haight, as part of a campaign to remove all of the runaway kids who headed to San Francisco wearing flowers in their hair.  I was taken to a holding area, processed, cited for wearing the ‘wrong’ clothing, what they called “false personation,” and my parents were notified.

 

I was grounded (no more bus rides into SF and friendly queens), and taken to see doctors who just talked and never examined me, and who eventually offered my parents some options. The Standards of Care were a bit different back then.  The good Catholic pediatrician, psychologists, and priests thought that my perversions could be cured.  They proposed a course of electro-convulsive and Faradic aversion therapy initially, but as I recall, my mother, a Registered Nurse, objected to that.  They finally settled on a course of injections, and lots of counseling.

 

I was given regular "vitamin shots, so you'll grow up right", as Dad said.  Yes, Vitamin T, testosterone. I received extensive counseling, including from a Catholic priest for a few years. They had me convinced that this was a perversion, entirely my fault, and that I needed to change.  Early on, when I resisted, I was threatened with electro-convulsive therapy and a lobotomy to make me more cooperative.

 

Treatment was supervised by a Monsignor and a pediatrician, and I medicated and prayed over for over a year. I was told that I was a perversion, sinful, and would burn in hell unless I accepted the inherent wrongness of my nature.

 

The depression that resulted led to a suicide attempt at age 16. This led to more prayer, more consultations with religious officials. Two were very kind, advising me, letting me know that they were protecting me, and could help me if only I would do just what they directed me to do. Yes, they were pedophiles.

 

I broke down and cooperated, burying myself deep, constructing an impenetrable wall with a facade that met the demands of those treating me.  This is what I was told would be right, acceptable, and would meet the needs others had of me.  I was eventually pronounced to be cured.

 

I went to college, and fumbled about, knowing that something was out of whack with me, but hopeful that I would find a fix.  I decided to enlist in the military when my funds ran low. They could pay for my education, and would teach me to man up properly.

 

Until recently, a trans person enlisting was considered to be a homosexual by the military and many others, and was supposed to check THAT box on the paperwork.  For decades, that of course meant that with the box checked we couldn’t enlist.  The recruiter helpfully told us to check NO on all the little boxes on part of the paperwork or we would not be allowed to enlist, so of course, that’s what I did.

 

I didn’t think I was a homosexual.  Heck, I liked girls.  Being one on the inside didn’t change the accessories my body had, so I never thought of myself as being homosexual.

 

But, yes, I was trans, a worried girl afraid that others would see past my man suit and realize who I was.  I thought of myself as ‘cured’ if only I could keep this side of me suppressed, and avoid these sinful thoughts of being myself.  I tried to ‘man up.’   I fell in love and got married.

 

I worked very hard, as many trans military members do, and like many other trans folks, was an overachiever.  I was in the Navy Nuclear Power Program, and I impressed the staff sufficiently that I was asked to stay on for two years as an instructor after I completed the Nuclear Power Schools.  Following that tour, I was assigned to a submarine, the USS Parche, the most decorated boat in the fleet, and crewed by more overachievers.  And yes, as I found out years later, that included several other trans folks.  I racked up more awards, including the Navy Achievement Medal, presidential and command citations.  I finished the requirements for a Bachelor of Science degree in Physics.  Besides my primary Engineering duties, I took on duties in the fire control racking party, damage control party, and was assistant ship’s photographer, recording mission data and assembling media for reports to COMSUBPAC.  I was the Engineering Dept 3M Coordinator, overseeing all maintenance and care for the nuclear power plant, engines and support systems.

 

Trans folks tend to be driven overachievers.  (Just ask anyone who knows me…)  We work hard to try and be accepted, far harder than those born with their assigned sex and gender identity in line, because we really do have something we need to prove.

 

I wanted to be a good husband and parent, and knew that a Navy career wouldn’t work well for that, so I decided to try civilian life after six years.

 

I moved to jobs in the tech industry after my Navy tour.  I didn't ramp down from the testosterone and treatments until I was in my late 20s.  The dressing restarted, and even then I didn't consciously realize what was up until I met a trans woman in my early 30s, who was interviewing for a job on my team.  She was having a rough time passing after our all-day interview process, but I tried to respect her as a person looking for a position with us.  I found my self thinking that she was doing something pretty darn hard, and I thought “I wish I could do that.”  Wait, what?  Where did that come from?

 

I think my subconscious had just outed me to myself.

 

That's pretty much when I knew, and finally had a label for myself, “Transgender.”  The transition process was obviously not that great back then, and I was married with small children, so I essentially gave up hope, tried to bury the need, and went about my life of passing as male.  I dressed in secret from time to time, going through the usual purge cycles, regret, withdrawal from dressing, and so on.  I still thought of this as being a weakness, a personal failing that I needed to overcome somehow.

 

The drive and my suppression slowly corroded away my mental state over decades.  My emotional repression and constant submerged anger and self-hatred caused harm to those around me, which I very much regret.  I finally broke down early in 2016 with severe depression and anxiety.

 

I came out to my spouse, upsetting her, and started therapy immediately.  I was quickly referred to a gender therapist, and after a few months of delaying while I tried to figure out if what was going on with me was ‘real’, I accepted my transgender nature and started Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). 

 

As part of starting HRT, an endocrinologist ran a very detailed panel of tests, and spotted a number of anomalies, including an unusual prolactin level.   This had me pretty nervous for a while.

 

Normal for a person Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB) is 0-18 ng/ml; my levels:

 

Before HRT: 30 ng/mL and 34 ng/mL

2 days into estrogen: 40 ng/mL

4+ weeks on estrogen: 38 ng/mL

 

A high resolution MRI was ordered in July 2016 (followed up in May 2017)

 

I have a tiny adenoma, on the pituitary, also known as a microprolactinoma.  It is associated with a high prolactin level tha made my endocrinologist cautious about starting HRT, specifically estradiol, which could stimulate the adenoma. 

 

Ah, but the standard prolactin test isn't clever enough to tell the difference between monomeric prolactin, the stuff that helps us start nursing, and the giant macroprolactin molecules often produced by a prolactinoma that are inert.  A chromatographic test that separates them (Macroprolactin, Serum; Test ID MCRPL) shows monomeric prolactin at 9 (normal range 3.4-14).  So my little monster is just a boring microprolactinoma and won't be causing me any problems with growth or lactation.

 

If the microprolactinoma does grow, there is another medication I can take for a while that has very good results in shrinking these growths.

 

With this resolved, I was able to start Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).   Several weeks into HRT I started experiencing these calm periods, at first for several hours, and then for days.  It was amazing.  The irritation that I had felt, sort of like the buzzing of a beehive, not an audible hallucination or anything, just a constant background agitation, had been present and intensifying for decades.  When it vanished at first I didn’t recognize the change, beyond feeling really good, really calm, and able to drop into my daily meditation in seconds instead of 10-20 minutes of trying to calm and center myself.

 

I think this corresponded to the big drop in Testosterone levels.  As my Estradiol levels rose I had an improvement in mood and energy, also appreciated, but the fading of this odd ‘alarm’ state from the back of my mind is the most significant, critical mental change I got from HRT.

 

This was the change that told me I was on the right path, that I could survive after all.

 

I had a number of painful discussions with my spouse.  This was not something that she was prepared to live with.  My having hidden this away for decades was hurtful to her, a breakdown of trust.  My need to transition would put her in a very difficult position, a drastic change in our lives that she was not prepared to make.

 

After more painful discussions and a mediated divorce, my spouse and I went our separate ways.  I didn’t handle that well, and I regret how things turned out.  I do know that my spouse is comfortable and has friends to help her, and am very grateful for that.  

 

I found a nice little condo unit to rent in a walkable community, moved in, and immediately went full time as my authentic self after being on Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) about 5 months.   

 

I set about rebuilding my life and taking care of all those details like name and gender marker changes.  I found a welcoming and accepting church, an Unitarian Universalist congregation.  I found a social support group that meets several times a month and joined them.  I made friends, and built a social life.  I found that I wasn’t actually an introvert, but an extrovert once un-closeted. 

 

A year after going full time, almost to the day, I had my Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS), from Drs. Thomas and Selim with Kaiser NorCal. 

 

A few months after this, I met someone who would become very important in my life, Laurie

 

https://medium.com/@michellepaquette/translovestories-michelle-laurie-74f99bf6af47

 

Almost a year later, in August 2018, I had Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) from Drs. Kleinberger and Shih.

 

I had a revision labiaplasty and mammary feminization done in 2019 by Dr. Selim.  In early 2020, a week before the official start of the COVID-19 pandemic, I hade a lower facelift, the soft tissue part of the work planned with Dr. Klineberger, and a trach shave.  The work was done by Dr. Kathy Brandstetter supervised by Dr. Klineberger.

 

In July of 2020, Laurie and I bought a home in the Portland, Oregon area. In October, Laurie and I were married, and we relocated to our new home shortly thereafter.

https://medium.com/@michellepaquette/married-for-two-years-745bbaaee79c

 

My life is much better now.  I am finally living as my authentic self, free of the depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria that has been with me most of my adult life.  I have been free of that black cloud finally, and this has been the happiest period of my adult life.

[Lexxi]

Hi Michelle,

 

I'm glad to make your acquaintance. I'm really glad you were able to find happiness. You and your wife sound like a very nice couple.

 

Lexxi

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Michelle.  Thank you for that complete and fascinating peek into your life story.  You write very well, I must say.

 

Please have a look around the forums, if you haven't done so already.  Post in any thread, or start some of your own threads.  I look forward to reading more from you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Michelle,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[April Marie]

Hi, Michelle and welcome to the forums!! Thank you for sharing your amazing story and journey. We are all so unique, yet with many similarities.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Michelle.  Good to see you here.  I see that some others from the old forum have followed my trail of breadcrumbs.

[AllieJ]

Nice to see you here Michelle!

 

@KathyLaurennow you know we talk about you when you have gone! Thank you for introducing us to this forum!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Mirrabooka]

Welcome aboard, Michelle. I found your story is fascinating. What a roller coaster! I am very happy for you, knowing that you are in a good space now. :)

[KathyLauren]

28 minutes ago, AllieJ said:

Nice to see you here Michelle!

 

@KathyLaurennow you know we talk about you when you have gone! Thank you for introducing us to this forum!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

LOL!  I could feel my ears burning!

[Michelle Paquette]

Thank you, everyone!   I have a sneaking suspicion that I may already know a significant portion of the members here.

 

Online forums are an incredibly useful tool and support mechanism for some of us, especially older folks and those living in places where real world connections are hard to come by.  This looks like a good place.

 

[Susan R]

18 hours ago, Michelle Paquette said:

My life is much better now.  I am finally living as my authentic self, free of the depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria that has been with me most of my adult life.

Welcome @Michelle Paquette, It’s a pleasure to meet you! What an outstanding read. If you ever write a book, please send me a link to buy it. You certainly had a multifaceted life like so many others here. I truly enjoyed reading yours very much.

 

18 hours ago, Michelle Paquette said:

I was given regular "vitamin shots, so you'll grow up right", as Dad said.  Yes, Vitamin T, testosterone. I received extensive counseling, including from a Catholic priest for a few years. They had me convinced that this was a perversion, entirely my fault, and that I needed to change.  Early on, when I resisted, I was threatened with electro-convulsive therapy and a lobotomy to make me more cooperative.

I had always wondered if my life might’ve been better off for me if my parents would’ve acknowledged my desire to crossdress and looked into getting me real help. Instead they pretended the issue was either a passing faze or something much worse. As it turns out, they suppressed it like I did. After reading what happened during your coming of age, I have to rethink whether ‘their help’ would’ve been even more detrimental to me. It may have done much more harm, especially coming from a similar conservative Catholic upbringing.

 

18 hours ago, Michelle Paquette said:

In July of 2020, Laurie and I bought a home in the Portland, Oregon area. In October, Laurie and I were married

I’m happy for you and your spouse and glad life is filled with so much more joy living as your authentic self. I wish you the best going forward. Your story is a such good example of overcoming through perseverance. It’s uplifting!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Michelle Paquette]

20 hours ago, Lexxi said:

I'm glad to make your acquaintance. I'm really glad you were able to find happiness. You and your wife sound like a very nice couple.

Hi, Lexxi!   I'm pretty sure Laurie and I are nice people.  I mean, we don't bite (much) or anything!

 

I'm active with the Unitarian Universalist faith and am settling in with a new church now,  as my 'old' church is hundreds of miles away and a bit difficult to stay engaged with.  Zoom based services and activities just aren't the same as physical presence.  The Unitarians are nice folks in general, and have warm and accepting communities across this country.  No evangelizing, no credal mandates, just folks who believe humanity should be good to one another and the world around us.  It's very different from the Catholic upbringing I had.

 

I mention them here because finding and having community is something that is very important in the lives of almost all people, and because as a marginalized population, it is often difficult to find that community.  Online forums certainly help, and the real-world connections can help even more.  The UU folks have had a significant impact on my life.

 

Back when I was planning the details of support for my gender confirmation surgery (GCS), I had to find folks to stay with me for the first 72 hours after surgery, and to check in on me for a week after that.  The generous new friends I had made over the previous year at that UU church stepped up to help, along with a few friends in the local LGBTQ+ community, for which I am very grateful.

 

Next weekend Laurie and I will be out marching in a local Pride parade, as part of a UU contingent, for example.  Before now, I actually haven't marched in a Pride event.  I have, however, done plenty of the TransMarch events.  Back in the San Francisco Bay Area TransMarch is held on the Friday before the big Pride weekend and parade.  The separation is there for some really warped historical reasons, but they have largely faded away over the decades.  Now an old friend is actually running the San Francisco Pride organization!

 

My meandering point here is just that having friends, making connections, both online for mutual support and out in the real world, expanding what is possible for us, is a Good Thing, for which I am grateful.

 

 

 

[Michelle Paquette]

3 hours ago, Susan R said:

...

I had always wondered if my life might’ve been better off for me if my parents would’ve acknowledged my desire to crossdress and looked into getting me real help. Instead they pretended the issue was either a passing faze or something much worse. As it turns out, they suppressed it like I did. After reading what happened during your coming of age, I have to rethink whether ‘their help’ would’ve been even more detrimental to me. It may have done much more harm, especially coming from a similar conservative Catholic upbringing.

...

The old Standards of Care back then were very, very different.

 

Being permitted and approved for medical transition was incredibly rare.  We would have to connect with folks willing to provide that care, such as the Center for Special Problems (1965; San Francisco, led by Dr. Joel Fort and activist and transgender woman Wendy Kohler, supporting transgender people with discussion groups, mental health counseling, and hormone prescriptions. Dr. Harry Benjamin, a prominent figure in early treatment of transgender people, was brought in to consult and to train staff.)

 

We would have to score in V of VI on Benjamin's Sex Orientation Scale (SOS) as well as a 4-6 on Kinsey's scale, reassuring the doctors and surgeons we would be good wifey material, well dressed, passing, and attracted to men.  There were often informal gatherings in the community where we would discuss the best way to tell our stories to the medical folks to be permitted access to counseling and hormone replacement therapy (HRT)

 

For most of us, including myself after being arrested and remanded to parental custody, the standard of care in the 1960s and well into the 70s was psychotherapy intended to make the patient 'comfortable' in their assigned gender at birth.  The techniques of this "conversion therapy" were relatively crude and unsubtle compared to modern conversion techniques like "gender exploratory therapy",  and were largely based on counterconditioning, including Faradic and drug-based aversion therapy, combined with talk therapy.  While many practitioners held even then that changing sexual orientation using these techniques was unlikely, there was little data on gender identity, and strong religious pressure to correct orientation and identity whenever possible.

 

It was a mess.  I was a mess, thanks to this loving kindness.  My parents were just doing what they were told would be best for me.  We know better now, in spite of what some hateful people claim, and can care for youth far better that the care I experienced.  The challenge we face Is to preserve the young from the clutches of these hateful people.

 

[Confused1]

On 6/18/2023 at 5:31 PM, Michelle Paquette said:

Thank you, everyone!   I have a sneaking suspicion that I may already know a significant portion of the members here.

 

 

Hi Michelle!

 

I'm here as well.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[ChloeL]

Welcome Michelle!

 

That's quite an experience you have.  You've been through an awful lot but it sure seems like you have come out much happier on the other side!

 

I am in the Portland area too (I'm in Vancouver across the river) but it's great to see another local here!

[Michelle Paquette]

On 8/11/2023 at 2:15 PM, ChloeL said:

Welcome Michelle!

 

That's quite an experience you have.  You've been through an awful lot but it sure seems like you have come out much happier on the other side!

 

I am in the Portland area too (I'm in Vancouver across the river) but it's great to see another local here!

Oh, definitely happier!  I’ve reconnected with parts of my family in Washington, I’m now happily married for three years, have a nice home and a loving wife.  Life is pretty darn good.  

 

I have connected with a few groups in the area, like NorthWest Gender Alliance, and am getting more active with West Hills Unitarian Universalist Fellowship (WHUUF).