I'm new and NOT "out"

[RBag]

Hey!

Ive just been approved to the forums and desperately enjoy reading everyones unique journies. Ive laughed, cried and felt like i need to hug so many of you all already.

 

You're all braver than I am.

 

I've known in some way, shape or form that my assignment at birth (female) was wrong since as far back as i can remember.  All of my early memories were of my mother trying to get me to dress/act more like my sister. From arguments about how i wanted to wear my hair, the clothes i wanted to wear, the toys i played with - right down to the activities i participated in.

 

I think my mum resigned to the fact that i was a 'tomboy' about the age of 7, she gave up pushing so hard for me to grow my hair long, wear dresses and play with dolls. She allowed me to take up martial arts and pick most of my own clothes.

 

I distinctly remember stuffing things in my underwear from about 5 years of age, trying to make it look like i had a penis. I never really understood at this age why my mum had such a problem with me wanting to play with the boys and do all the things that the boys did (bmx, motorbikes, playing in the dirt, playing cars and construction).

 

I went through puberty early, hating my breasts from the moment they began growing. I used to wear tight crops that would flatten them, wear baggy (and multiple) layers to hide their presence. The arrival of my period at 11 years of age was the world telling me i was never going to wake up with a penis.

 

I was crushed. I continued being myself as much as possible through highschool. I played all the sports that girls werent supposed to play, wore all the boys clothes (even got the school uniform changed to be co-educational). Somehow at 14, i met a boy who liked all the things i did and liked me too. We were best friends. We spent all our time together, so when things became naturally curious in regards to sex, I went with it.

 

Sex was never as id imagined it. I never enjoyed it like i was "supposed" to, but i wasnt overly attracted to girls either, so just went with it.

 

I got pregnant in my early 20s and got engaged to my best friend and lover.  Motherhood, pregnancy and life as a wife was not anything I particularly enjoyed. I would never give up my kids or the joy that they've brought me, but I am not maternal and have never been a typical mum or housewife. Most people that know my family know that I am more masculine in most ways than my partner - i do all the mechanical work, repairs on the house, driving, teaching the kids how to use tools, play sports etc.

 

I love my kids and my partner with all my heart, but I know in my heart the last 20 years of my life (at least) has been a complete lie. A lie to myself and a lie to everyone around me.

 

I've had a tough last 5 years with my partner, he started calling me out on things that id been denying within myself. Why wont i let him see me naked, touch my breasts, why dont i participate in sex. I withdraw from him emotionally so i dont have to do all the sexual things, but keep my best friend. He thinks that ive fallen out of love with him, which is absolutely not the case.

 

My partner is very unique, im convinced he is undiagnosed Autistic. He doesnt like people, so much so, that as he's grown older, he doesnt even want to go to the shops for fear of running into people he doesnt like. He relies on my company and our kids almost exclusively for social contact.

 

I feel trapped, like i can't be the real me, i cant tell him that i've finally acknowledged it and accepted it within myself for fear of how he would react and that he woukd be left alone. He is not accepting at all of anyone who is gay, lesbian or trans at all - so there is no question as to how he would react if i told him.

 

I am not financially secure to be independent and would not have the support of my family (all very much traditional in beliefs). To make things worse, i live in a rural small town, which absolutley would not accept me.

 

Im constantly weighing up my own happiness vs losing everything and everyone and at the age of 40 trying to figure out if its worth it.

 

Recently my desire to "come out" has been stronger than ever - i think due to my own acceptance, ive had at least 3 years to be able to axcept and acknowledge that I am trans and beginning the process of reading about it, how to start the transition and progression. 

 

I even bought my first pair of mens underwear. What a rush. I couldnt wipe the smile off my face. From there, i bought my first packer. It arrived today... and my god, the instant euphoria.  It was what id always imagined things should look like and feel like down there.

 

So now - where to... i dont know. I need to be me. I have to start a conversation with my GP, i've made several appointments, but just ending up rabbiting about something else. I cant seem to bring up the words.

 

I look foward to continuing to read your posts, finding little ways for me to express my true self and work my way towards having the courage to stop lying to my family.

[Lexxi]

Hi RBag,

 

I'm so very sorry that you're feeling trapped...that's not a fun way to live. Your life story reminds me of my favorite aunt. She did all the same things you did. From the sports to the way she dressed, to the mechanical stuff and the way she lived her life. In fact when she was still living she was so masculine that everyone thought she was a short man....but she identified as female. I've always wondered if she was trans and just couldn't accept it. See she was religious and was kind of intolerant of people who are LGBTQ. I just think her religion kept her from being her true self. I'm glad that you accept and know who you really are. Hopefully that'll lead to a happier life for you.

 

It's a shame that everyone can't just be accepting of other people. Before I came out I was terrified of losing all my family members too. I knew my mom would be accepting because she raised my brother and I to be accepting of everyone. So I figured my brother would accept me too....but I wasn't so sure about my dad. But I worried for nothing. Everyone accepted me...except for my daughter. She no longer speaks to me. It's been a big hit to my heart but I just had to finally be my true self. Hopefully she'll come around one of these days.

 

I hope you're able to navigate some way that makes you happy. It seems like you're really happy about that packer. Just cling to the little things that make you happy and that might make your life a bit happier until you can take even further steps along the path. By the way I love the way you talk about your significant other. I'm a hopeless romantic and love if when I hear about someone marrying their soulmate. It certainly sounds like he's your soulmate. Hopefully you can eventually teach him to be accepting of others.

 

Lexxi

[MaryEllen]

Welcome to TransPulse, RBag.  I know how debilitating these feeling of dysphoria can be so I know what you are going through.  If it's at all possible for you, I'd recommend counseling with a gender therapist. He or she could help you to understand why you are feeling this way and give advice on how you should proceed.

 

I know that not having the support of family and friends can be very discouraging.  I'm afraid that changing their minds about you is not likely to happen overnight but keep trying the best you can.  When it comes right down to it, does it really matter if others don't see you as a male?  If you feel that you are male, that's what you are, a male.

 

I'm sure you'll get good advice from others here so don't lose hope. Never give up.

 

MaryEllen

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, RBag said:

Hey!

Ive just been approved to the forums and desperately enjoy reading everyones unique journies. Ive laughed, cried and felt like i need to hug so many of you all already.

 

You're all braver than I am.

G'day and welcome to Transgender Pulse Forum RBag,

 

You're so correct about wanting go give people hugs after reading their story. So here's a great big HUG for you. Digital Hugs, are still from the heart.

 

When I came out to my wife, who was a vocal supporter of the LGBTQIA community. We learned that she had an explosive reaction of anger, and limitations on her support of the Transgender community. Especially my involvement. So when you say that your partner is against all LGBT activity and support. Your coming out to them can't be more explosive than mine. You may find that they actually support you, and realize the importance of your continued love and commitment to the family. No matter what path you chose to take, you have a support network here. I'm also happy that there is a large number of members here from Australia, and other countries down under. 

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋🏳️‍🌈

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, RBag.  I can feel your anguish and frustration, and my heart goes out to you.  I hope that reading posts here and talking to others will give you a boost to your feelings.  At the very least you'll know you aren't along on the journey.  I wish you well.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[RBag]

Thank you all for the welcome and support.

 

Im trying to find a gender therapist, but unfortunately there arent that many in Australia and the few that exist are fully booked or only available in the big cities.

 

Ive seen a coupke of counsellors, who i just have not felt comfortabke with and certainly not comfortable enough to share my big secret with.

 

Thanks to you all again! X

[MaryEllen]

Quote

Im trying to find a gender therapist,

 

Many therapists will do video calls if an in person visit is not feasible.  Perhaps this might be a viable option for you. In any case, just know that we are here for you. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. We're here for you.

 

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

As Mary Ellen mentioned many therapists do video work.  I have become amazingly fond of Zoom where i attend quite a few 12step meetings (AA) with folks in the gender diverse community.  While hesitant at first i find that many seem to keep coming and i can say with joy that it seems to really help. many.  

Therapy certainly helped me find a path to self acceptance without destroying my life.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[April Marie]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!!! There are so many wonderful people at every stage of transition, discovery or just questioning. 

 

My therapist and I work together exclusively through video conferencing. It's been awesome - even with her being hundreds of miles away she always makes herself available if needed. It might be a way for you to at least start - somehow baring my soul seemed easier behind the keyboard even though we could also see each other in real time.

 

Enjoy your journey!!

[Ivy]

Welcome  RBag.

 

1 hour ago, April Marie said:

My therapist and I work together exclusively through video conferencing

I do this as well, and it works for me.

 

I hope that somehow your SO may come around for you with time.  There are a lot of us who just went with our assigned gender because we saw no other options at the time.

[April Marie]

2 hours ago, Ivy said:

 

 There are a lot of us who just went with our assigned gender because we saw no other options at the time.

Absolute truth here - it just really wasn't an option.

[Emily Elizabeth]

On 6/20/2023 at 4:14 AM, RBag said:

Thank you all for the welcome and support.

 

Im trying to find a gender therapist, but unfortunately there arent that many in Australia and the few that exist are fully booked or only available in the big cities.

 

Ive seen a coupke of counsellors, who i just have not felt comfortabke with and certainly not comfortable enough to share my big secret with.

 

Thanks to you all again! X

I don't have a gender specialist therapist or psychiatrist but I opened up to them anyway and I am so happy I did! They have both been extremely helpful and understanding! I only had seen my therapist once before I opened up about my transgender feelings, I even told her some of my deepest secrets. I just told myself to jump, it was hard for me to start telling her but once I saw she wasn't judging me I opened up so much. So I recommend taking the jump and just telling a therapist. I have been crossdressing since I was about 6 and I have had transgender questions for about 2 years now, but I have grown so much in just 2 weeks after trusting my therapist. I would still be beating myself up if I hadn't jumped and told my therapist. It was so -censored- scary and I was so nervous but I feel so much better now and she's really helped me out. So even if you cant find a gender specialist I recommend just taking that jump! You owe it to yourself to start speaking your truth! I know it's hard but like I said I've grown so much by opening up to my therapist and its only been 2 weeks. I had no idea how she would respond but she's been so helpful, please take the leap of faith and be honest with your therapist! I hope this helps! 

[Mirrabooka]

G'day RBag, welcome aboard!

 

Your story is very interesting, and by expressing it here you have actually made an important step in your journey.

 

Good luck with everything. 

[MaybeRob]

Providers – AusPATH

 

Hi Rbag

 

Above link has a list that maybe of some help. Rainbow door are a good contact - they sent me a list of support - I contacted them by email initially.

 

Welcome to the forum

 

Hugs

 

MaybeRob

 

[RBag]

On 6/23/2023 at 9:36 AM, Emily Elizabeth said:

So even if you cant find a gender specialist I recommend just taking that jump! You owe it to yourself to start speaking your truth! I know it's hard but like I said I've grown so much by opening up to my therapist and its only been 2 weeks. I had no idea how she would respond but she's been so helpful, please take the leap of faith and be honest with your therapist! I hope this helps

Thanks Emily - this gives me some hope and encouragement. I jjst need to be brave. X 

[RBag]

On 6/24/2023 at 9:41 PM, MaybeRob said:

Above link has a list that maybe of some help. Rainbow door are a good contact - they sent me a list of support - I contacted them by email initially.

 

Thanks MaybeRob

 

I'll definitely check this out to see if I can find something through here. 

[Heather Shay]

I see you've met some of the wonderful people here already and they are incredible. I have nothing else to add to their wisdom other than saying WELCOME, I'm glad you are here.