Misgendering and finding a path forward

[Maria Viklund]

This text is written in Swedish and translated into English by ChatGPT because I
express myself better and more accurately in my native language.

 

-A new year and a new job to go to. New colleagues and a completely new situation to be in.
One big difference is that my new colleagues don't know my old self, my old life.
Everyone naturally calls me by my new name because they simply don't know my "dead" name.
I had hoped that this would also, even if just a little, help prevent being misgendered.
However, that is not the case, and it has started to weigh heavily on me internally.
Throughout the day, it's "he" and "him" even though they have only known me as a "She" and "Her".
I don't know how to handle this, and I have slowly started to despair.
It should be mentioned that I am in line to start my MtF (Male-to-Female) treatment.
I have never been a particularly overly feminine or girly person, and I have 52 years
of enforced masculinity to break down and get rid of.
But it's so difficult because it runs so deep. In Sweden, the waiting time is 3 and a half years,
and I have just passed one year. That means that all the changes I have made so far have
been on my own path. I am still, apart from longer hair and nails, the same physical person that I was born as.
This fact is also driving me crazy. I want to get started soon.
Right now, it just feels like I'm stuck and not getting anywhere. Stuck in a healthcare queue that moves
at a snail's pace, and I can't influence it in any way.
I have promised myself not to make any decisive decisions (!) before I have started my treatment
and transition, but it feels so difficult when it is still so far away.
How do you find the strength? What more can I do that I'm not already doing today?
I try not to measure and compare myself to other women because it's only destructive.
I try to just be myself and be the woman I am completely unrelated to how other women are, look, and behave.
However, this has led to me no longer looking forward in the same way as when I decided
to come out, but now I just take one day at a time with my gaze lowered, waiting for time to pass.

[April Marie]

Hi, Maria. I wanted to respond - not because I can really offer much insight but because i wanted you to know that there are many of us here who understand and who care. I'm only 6 months into my journey and still just trying to figure out what transition will look like for me. Breaking down the impacts of living decades as a male is a difficult process - almost 7 for me - and it is hard to cover them over at times.

 

I want to commend you for your courage in stepping into a new job and establishing yourself as Maria. That is not an easy thing to do. To me, you've already answered your question about finding the strength - you have it inside of you. It just sometimes is hard to find when it gets covered over by the many other emotions we all feel as we come to terms with our gender reality. 

 

I can also understand the frustration at wanting to begin your transition but being held in place by a slow healthcare system. It just seems natural that you would become sad. Are you able to see a therapist, yet?

 

I know that others, much more qualified to provide you some insight, will jump into the conversation.

 

Ultimately, I think the question of happiness comes from inside us. I know I can't compare my looks to other women and that I feel most comfortable presenting as female. For me, make-up, a wig and feminine clothing was the start to being able to deal with my dysphoria on the surface. What my therapist did was to help me to see myself as a woman in my mind. It's helped to let my hair grow out, get my ears pierced and to always wear women's briefs and, often, a lightweight bra, but those are just visual cues that help me to "see" myself as my mind catches up. In the end, it's not about how others see us, but who we "see" when we look in the mirror. Understanding that has helped me tremendously in dealing with the frustrations of having to take a slow approach to transition.

 

It is natural to feel frustrated and down in the face of not being able to move as quickly as you want. Taking it day at a time can be a wonderful approach - look for the small gains in each day and don't focus on the long term results. Find the positive, the good, every day as small as it may be. 

 

And, don't lower your gaze. You are loved and respected here, if nowhere else.