Sometimes I feel like I am splitting hairs between NB and FTM

[Alexharrier]

I've gently felt like I've been in the "gender non-conforming" camp for quite a few years (kind of funny considering just how many people have told me I wasn't very female all my life), but have recently begun to wonder If I'm not just binary trans. So I'm going to write a post with some life stuff in hope to 'compare notes' with other people who may ID as nb or transmasc, because I like hearing other people's perspectives, even though I know everyone's experience at the end of the day is unique.

 

I'm not the kind of person who had moments in childhood where I believed I was a boy, or should be a boy, or should have the same body as a boy ect. In fact, I wouldn't have described myself as someone who experienced gender dysphoria at all up until this year (I'm 30), but there are a lot of reasons for that, number one being my upbringing was highly gendered with high stakes for exhibiting otherwise (who else had weekly gendered youth group through their church raise of hands?). I was expected to have only girls for friends starting at age 6 (I always envied the class tomboy who was allowed to play soccer unquestioned, but I was never included).  I was the youngest in a large family with large personalities, and in general felt shut down for speaking up about many topics and as a result have been very passive and conforming (being a child was something I could get a good grade in, which was normal to want and possible to achieve haha). Wearing dresses could be fun, but was also an assignment I would be rewarded with praise for if I did it good enough. you get the idea.

 

Despite that my natural interests and expressions have always been masculine of center, from my favorite animals being lizards as a 3yo, to having pretty masc presentation of adhd that just went undiagnosed, to identifying with only male protagonists since before I can remember. My favorite bands in middle school were maroon5 and third eye blind, I may have worn girls clothes comfortably but I was rejected by people my age for being "weird" (they didn't say gay out loud to me at least) and certainly not feminine enough when they wanted to dress up and do dance rehearsals when I was more interested in neopets and climbing trees. Legit my childhood best friend stopped hanging out with me when we hit middle school because I wasn't girly enough. also her new best friend hated me on sight.

 

But I haven't ever really felt accepted as 'one of the guys' ever either. I wanted to have friends that were dudes, but it felt like every time I tried (once it was acceptable again for me to have male friends in high school) they always automatically assumed I was into them, and the resulting hurt feelings from being 'friend zoned' always killed the relationships. At the time I would get disappointed but allowed myself to be convinced that my interest in their attention was attraction and that 'the divide of the sexes' just meant I couldn't be friends with guys. In college as I continued to follow that assumption (and later in an attempt to prove I wasn't a lesbian) I tried dating guys that I found interest in as friends, but frequently felt frustrated and repulsed when of course they wanted to be romantic and not platonic. At the same time I had multiple guys tell me that I was 'not very female' and while they liked hanging out with me it felt more like just being around one of their guy friends, which made them feel conflicted and confused, and ultimately they would break up with me because they didn't want dating to be that complicated.

It turns out I was also just mostly attracted to feminine presenting people haha.
 

When it comes to presentation I've been what I would describe as 'unattached', my skills as a social chameleon extended to my presentation thanks to a lifetime of not rocking the boat. I could turn it out in a dress with the rest of them, and on average days I'd wear eyeliner and mascara, but in casual dress codes I still gravitated toward large graphic tshirts and baggy jeans. I bought myself a tie in highschool (pink of course to argue that it was a 'girl's tie') and convinced my mother to buy me a top hat when we were shopping for my brother for prom, both items I still love and despite feeling euphoric when wearing them I was too worried about negative push back to do it often. when occasions would require me to dress up I'd do the girl thing, but despite being able to recognize I was conventionally attractive I just wasn't into it. I used to think I was one of those 'not like other girls' pick-me types, but without of any of the boy-crazy tendencies. Now I think I was just not a girl. My second year of college I cut off all my hair for a pixie cut because I hated being perceived as just another potential wife.

 

When it comes to dysphoria, I always thought (once it was described to me in college) that because I don't feel suicidal about my body I must not feel dysphoric, even though I refused to take pictures of myself for years because I hated seeing myself as other people saw me. Mirrors were okay at least because they were flipped images, and one that I was at least used to. I only have one image of myself from the five years of college I did, a selfie I took one morning half hiding in my dorm after getting a boys button up and styling my hair into a faux hawk. I've had a lifelong resentment for my birthname for being so common in my generation, and despite being a legacy androgynous name in my contemporaries it is (almost) only used for women. I never felt connected to it, and in one instance when some friends I had in middle school made some fan characters together, they kept all their first names but I changed mine to one that was specifically masculine (if acceptable still for a girl to use). My physical body tends to be something that I just ignore, if it isn't hurting I don't pay attention. At the end of college I quietly stopped wearing makeup completely, stopped shaving, stopped wearing dresses, and felt more like myself than I ever had. Recently though I went up a bra size, and was surprised to find how uncomfortable it was to have to both admit that I needed new bras, and to finally shop for them. I wanted that problem to be solved by not having breasts anymore instead, which I have since been told by my partner that I love that is not a very cisgender reaction to that problem haha.

 

Despite all of this I still don't know whether I should consider myself to be NB or transmasc. In some ways because I feel I lack the "always known" ness of it all I don't know if I am even allowed to claim transmasculinity. But though I have taken refuge in the 'not a girl' Non-binary label for a few years it doesn't really sit right all the time. I like being 'mistaken' for a man online, not something that happens much anymore because of biography pronouns (which I change agonizingly every so often, knowing family follow my social media). But at the same time I have worries about medically transitioning, some of which is probably indoctrination based I'll admit, but when it comes down to it most of the time just is an unsure 'what if I regret it?'. I have thought before in my life the things I want and the interests I have and the goals I desire would be easier to achieve if I were a man, even before I knew what it was to be transgender. And at the same time after having had to fight to be recognized as queer and lesbian already I don't think I'm ready for people to assume I'm a straight man, even if that might be true. At the same time I feel like if I were someone else hearing what I had to say I'd probably immediately affirm that person if they wanted to ID as trans. For some reason because it's me I am stuck in a cycle of self doubt.

I don't know, this is a huge ramble really, but I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on less than obvious feelings of gender, and why they feel they identify the way they do.

[Alexharrier]

Hi, I made this post earlier this week in the ftm thread but thought I'd post it here too, since it seems like this forum gets more traffic.

I've gently felt like I've been in the "gender non-conforming" camp for quite a few years (kind of funny considering just how many people have told me I wasn't very female all my life), but have recently begun to wonder If I'm not just binary trans. So I'm going to write a post with some life stuff in hope to 'compare notes' with other people who may ID as nb or transmasc, because I like hearing other people's perspectives, even though I know everyone's experience at the end of the day is unique.

 

I'm not the kind of person who had moments in childhood where I believed I was a boy, or should be a boy, or should have the same body as a boy etc. In fact, I wouldn't have described myself as someone who experienced gender dysphoria at all up until this year (I'm 30), but there are a lot of reasons for that, number one being my upbringing was highly gendered with high stakes for exhibiting otherwise (who else had weekly gendered youth group through their church raise of hands?). I was expected to have only girls for friends starting at age 6 (I always envied the class tomboy who was allowed to play soccer unquestioned, but I was never included).  I was the youngest in a large family with large personalities, and in general felt shut down for speaking up about many topics and as a result have been very passive and conforming (being a child was something I could get a good grade in, which was normal to want and possible to achieve haha). Wearing dresses could be fun, but was also an assignment I would be rewarded with praise for if I did it good enough. you get the idea.

 

Despite that my natural interests and expressions have always been masculine of center, from my favorite animals being lizards as a 3yo, to having pretty masc presentation of adhd that just went undiagnosed, to identifying with only male protagonists since before I can remember. My favorite bands in middle school were maroon5 and third eye blind, I may have worn girls clothes comfortably but I was rejected by people my age for being "weird" (they didn't say gay out loud to me at least) and certainly not feminine enough when they wanted to dress up and do dance rehearsals when I was more interested in neopets and climbing trees. Legit my childhood best friend stopped hanging out with me when we hit middle school because I wasn't girly enough.

 

But I haven't ever really felt accepted as 'one of the guys' ever either. I wanted to have friends that were dudes, but it felt like every time I tried (once it was acceptable again for me to have male friends in high school) they always automatically assumed I was into them, and the resulting hurt feelings from being 'friend zoned' always killed the relationships. At the time I would get disappointed but allowed myself to be convinced that my interest in their attention was attraction and that 'the divide of the sexes' just meant I couldn't be friends with guys. In college as I continued to follow that assumption (and later in an attempt to prove I wasn't a lesbian) I tried dating guys that I found interest in as friends, but frequently felt frustrated when of course they wanted to be romantic and not platonic. At the same time I had multiple guys tell me that I was 'not very female' and while they liked hanging out with me it felt more like just being around one of their guy friends, which made them feel conflicted and confused, and ultimately they would break up with me because they didn't want dating to be that complicated.

It turns out I was also just mostly attracted to feminine presenting people haha.
 

When it comes to presentation I've been what I would describe as 'unattached', my skills as a social chameleon extended to my presentation thanks to a lifetime of not rocking the boat. I could turn it out in a dress with the rest of them, and on average days I'd wear eyeliner and mascara, but in casual dress codes I still gravitated toward large graphic tshirts and baggy jeans. I bought myself a tie in highschool (pink of course to argue that it was a 'girl's tie') and convinced my mother to buy me a top hat when we were shopping for my brother for prom, both items I still love and despite feeling euphoric when wearing them I was too worried about negative push back to do it often. when occasions would require me to dress up I'd do the girl thing, but despite being able to recognize I was conventionally attractive I just wasn't into it. I used to think I was one of those 'not like other girls' pick-me types, but without of any of the boy-crazy tendencies. Now I think I was just not a girl. My second year of college I cut off all my hair for a pixie cut because I hated being perceived as just another potential wife.

 

When it comes to dysphoria, I always thought (once it was described to me in college) that because I don't feel suicidal about my body I must not feel dysphoric, even though I refused to take pictures of myself for years because I hated seeing myself as other people saw me. Mirrors were okay at least because they were flipped images, and one that I was at least used to. I only have one image of myself from the five years of college I did, a selfie I took one morning half hiding in my dorm after getting a boys button up and styling my hair into a faux hawk. I've had a lifelong resentment for my birthname for being so common in my generation, and despite being a legacy androgynous name in my contemporaries it is (almost) only used for women. I never felt connected to it, and in one instance when some friends I had in middle school made some fan characters together, they kept all their first names but I changed mine to one that was specifically masculine (if acceptable still for a girl to use). My physical body tends to be something that I just ignore, if it isn't hurting I don't pay attention. At the end of college I quietly stopped wearing makeup completely, stopped shaving, stopped wearing dresses, and felt more like myself than I ever had. Recently though I went up a bra size, and was surprised to find how uncomfortable it was to have to both admit that I needed new bras, to feel like my body was becoming a shape that I didn't feel right in, and to finally shop for underwear that I wouldn't feel so dysphoric in. I wanted that problem to be solved by not having breasts anymore instead, which I have since been told by my partner that I love that is not a very cisgender reaction to that problem haha.

 

Despite all of this I still don't know whether I should consider myself to be NB or transmasc. In some ways because I feel I lack the "always known" ness of it all I don't know if I am even allowed to claim transmasculinity. But though I have taken refuge in the 'not a girl' Non-binary label for a few years it doesn't really sit right all the time. I like being 'mistaken' for a man online, not something that happens much anymore because of biography pronouns (which I change agonizingly every so often, knowing family follow my social media). But at the same time I have worries about medically transitioning, some of which is probably indoctrination based I'll admit, but when it comes down to it most of the time just is an unsure 'what if I regret it?'. I have thought before in my life the things I want and the interests I have and the goals I desire would be easier to achieve if I were a man, even before I knew what it was to be transgender. And at the same time after having had to fight to be recognized as queer and lesbian already I don't think I'm ready for people to assume I'm a straight man, even if that might be true. At the same time I feel like if I were someone else hearing what I had to say I'd probably immediately affirm that person if they wanted to ID as trans. For some reason because it's me I am stuck in a cycle of self doubt.

I don't know, this is a huge ramble really, but I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on less than obvious feelings of gender, and why they feel they identify the way they do.

[Russ Fenrisson]

Hey, @Alexharrier. Thanks for sharing. No matter how big or small, as long as you felt better letting those feelings out, that's all that matters.

 

I too flip between being non-binary and a transman, mostly for my sanity. It might not be good to do so, but for any given time, it helps me out so I don't stress over things too much. As far as things are, I'm out only to my family, so I try to carve out as much space as I can for myself so I can remotely feel like myself. I'm still dealing with that issue of others not calling me by my preferred name and pronouns, so going into a non-binary state of mind helps me when such situations occur. I'm wired to expect not being seen for who I am, so putting up such a state of mind helps to counteract any ill feelings I may feel when mistakes arise.

 

Most of the time, I'd like to identify as a man, but at the same time, because I hardly pass as one on sight, I'm made to feel being androgynous is perhaps better for me. And, feeling androgynous works out for me too. It puts less pressure on myself to actively try to be male, especially from a societal point of view. Whatever I am, I am; no one can tell me otherwise. Whatever feels good to me, must be right for me. 

 

So, although these two things might be contradictory in some ways, they work out for me in a way. I get to be the person I want to be without feeling too inclined to identify in one way or the other.

[KathyLauren]

(Full disclosure: I am MTF.)

 

@Alexharrier, your story does not sound at all unusual.  My impression from reading these forums is that we MTFs have it easy compared to the trans-masc guys.  For us, it's like, "Well being a guy didn't work, so I must be a girl."  Case closed. 

 

For AFAB people, there seems to be a lot more ambiguity about the destination.  It is definitely not my place to theorize why that might be. That is your journey to discover. 

 

I just point this out to say that your dilemma does not seem to me to be unusual.  I hope you are able to work out where you belong.  If you aren't already talking to a gender therapist, it might be helpful to do so.

 

I wonder where the belief came from that dysphoria has to be extreme to be worthy of the name.  It doesn't.  It can be extreme or life-threatening, for sure.  But it can also be subtle, the kind of thing you learn to overlook unless you are paying close attention.  It can also be puzzling at the time it happens, but only recognizable as dysphoria in hindsight.

 

While I can recognize several incidents in my childhood that I see as clues that I was trans-feminine all along, the first experience that I now recognize as dysphoria happened when I was 17.  I recognize it now, at age 68, but it was only a couple of years ago (long after I had transitioned) that I understood that it was gender dysphoria.  For nearly 50 years, it was just something puzzling that I couldn't explain.  Dysphoria can be that subtle.

 

I have yet to meet a trans person who did not feel dysphoria in some form, even if they didn't call it that.

[Vidanjali]

I myself ID as trans, nonbinary, and transmasc. To me, they are not mutually exclusive. And there are no particular requirements to be any of these beyond not IDing with gender assigned at birth. My thoughts: trans because I do not ID with my gender assigned at birth (which is F); nonbinary because I do not feel female nor fully male; transmasc because I feel euphoric about expressing maleness in various ways, though I do not ID as a man. Would I feel more integrated if I had a male body? I think not, unless I had been born with one and socialized as male - but then I would have had a completely different life - I would be a completely different person. I personally am not drawn towards medical transition. At my masc-est, I think of myself as an unusual looking dude. And in my most accepting frame of mind, I think that's kinda special (I don't always feel that way, in fact it's rare I do - it's usually "I am one weird lookin dude"). The main reasons I don't go all out with masc presentation are (1) I try to go easy on my husband who, while he thought he married a straight ciswoman, has been increasingly accepting and supportive of my journey of self-discovery, and (2) I don't want to deal with social fallout / judgment, etc. With regard to that, sometimes I fantasize about moving to a new place so that I can introduce myself as I now know myself to be instead of all the coming out to people I already know (not that I'd abandon all my old friends, it would just be neat to start fresh). My advice is to focus on what makes you happy and brings you peace and not what you lack. If lack keeps coming up, then give it greater scrutiny, but don't deliberately go after it. 

[Betty K]

14 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

I myself ID as trans, nonbinary, and transmasc.

 

I totally relate to this, though I am undergoing medical transition. And in my case I'm trans, non-binary and transfeminine. To me, transition does not necessarily have an end goal, except to be comfortable. Maybe I'll have certain operations, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll one day think of myself as a binary trans woman, or even just a woman, or maybe I won't. At the moment I don't think of myself as a woman, but is that 40+ years of social conditioning or how I really feel deep down? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know. And I don't know how much it really matters. I see myself as feminine, that's the crucial thing.

[Davie]

Congrats to all those contributing to this discussion. Good stuff. Thanks. -- Davie

[Betty K]

On 6/28/2023 at 8:31 AM, KathyLauren said:

My impression from reading these forums is that we MTFs have it easy compared to the trans-masc guys.  For us, it's like, "Well being a guy didn't work, so I must be a girl."  Case closed. 

While I agree that may be the case for most transfemmes, I think it is becoming less and less so. I think part of this is generational: I generally find transfemmes my age and older to be more binary than those younger than I am. And, speaking for myself, I think my impulse toward binarism may stem mostly from societal conditioning, which was obviously much stronger in the old days. 

[Betty K]

Oh, but I agree that transmascs and AFAB non-binary people seem to currently be at the forefront of challenging gender structures. And I think that’s amazing. Yay! It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it.

[Alexharrier]

I am going to type some specific replies but I also wanted to post a general thank you to everyone who has replied, genuinely I think being able to broaden my perspective on this topic will ultimately help deepen my understanding and "vocabulary" on gender as an experience. I've always been the kind of person who tries to learn the full breadth of a topic, especially when it comes to identity, before figuring out what it means in the personal. I really appreciate the contributions from everyone!

[Alexharrier]

On 6/27/2023 at 2:46 PM, Russ Fenrisson said:

Most of the time, I'd like to identify as a man, but at the same time, because I hardly pass as one on sight, I'm made to feel being androgynous is perhaps better for me. And, feeling androgynous works out for me too. It puts less pressure on myself to actively try to be male, especially from a societal point of view. Whatever I am, I am; no one can tell me otherwise. Whatever feels good to me, must be right for me. 

 

I find this point particularly illuminating. Prior to my current active exploration of gender, it has been easier to be androgynous in a lot of ways, being able to avoid conflict while also being non-conforming is a nice space to inhabit. Pushing my appearance to be masculine is fun, but in the average moment whether my clothing was purchased from the men's or women's section isn't super apparent, they're not men's or women's clothes to me they're just my clothes.

in contrast to your family situation however I'm only out to my partner, and not at all to my family. They are possibly more militant about enforcing gender binaries and norms, and though it has been passable for me to be 'tomboyish' I get critique for my appearance pretty frequently, and any semblance of femininity is almost over celebrated haha. I don't expect them to respect any gender identity I have beyond female, and in some ways that makes me more stubborn about wanting to identify as male.

Something I somehow skipped in the original post is that I do often wish my voice were a lower register, and frequently catch myself internally narrating in a male voice. Because that's not something anyone else observes however, I've gotten away with being 'male' inside without anyone noticing. It's almost like being a secret agent in some ways (ironically a character type I was obsessed with while it was popular during the 2000s lol). If being nonbinary obscures what the true identity is (maybe even from myself) then I am successfully passing as non-threatening. That's not the same as what you're describing, but the fluidity is similar and comfortable. 

[Alexharrier]

On 6/27/2023 at 3:31 PM, KathyLauren said:

For AFAB people, there seems to be a lot more ambiguity about the destination.  It is definitely not my place to theorize why that might be. That is your journey to discover. 

 

Thank you first for your thoughtful reply! I really appreciated it in full.

Specifically about this comment though, I think in the reality of transitioning transfeminine people will always have the harder path, I'm not about to pretend otherwise. Being confused about my gender isn't likely going to be something that's life threatening for me as an individual. Until our society releases it's death grip on patriarchy that will always be the case.

I guess that's also part of my theory why there tends to be more ambiguity for AFAB people in general though (with the concession to betty's point that there is more of a trend to take a NB/androgynous approach in transfem young people). In general, masculinity is treated as a default while femininity is treated as a deviation.  It doesn't surprise me then, when for AFAB people being masc is acceptable while for AMAB people being femm is threatening. being a tomboy is admittedly not the norm for girls, but it's not scary because masculinity is what 'runs the world'. When boys exhibit femininity, whether that be part of their gender identity or not, it's more harshly othered, I think because it more strongly threatens the larger dynamics happening between the male and female dichotomies in society.

I also like to think of this as femininity is more 'sticky,' that because it's non-default, any connection to the feminine tends to stand out on what people treat as a blank page of masculinity. That's why in my mind, when tomboys are out here in wardrobe that fully imitates masculinity they're praised as being strong and confident, just another kind of sporty, but their gender isn't questioned, no one thinks they're not girls for wearing cargo shorts. But if a boy wears a skirt he gets nothing but insults, and you'd bet he gets called a girl.

Being a tomboy is not harder. But it can get more confusing, because the things that would stand out as gender non-conforming to someone who's AMAB just doesn't stand out as much for people who are AFAB. Even in business, wearing a suit for a woman is not a big deal, she's celebrated as a girlboss, but I haven't seen a man ceo wear a dress (that I know of) because that's taboo.

For myself, gender feels difficult to define because it's just the water I'm swimming in. How do I know if the way I feel about gender is masculine or feminine, to me it just feels like myself. If in the wider social context people treat what I wear and what I do as just being kinda granola, or sort of sporty, or maybe nerdy, how do I know that they're not right and that it's not about actually being kinda male? That's what it keeps coming down to for me. I don't know that I feel very strongly that I'm not normal, but that also doesn't make me a woman either. What I do know is I am willing to admit at this point that I don't want to be put in the woman box, because for reasons that I can't really define for critics, it doesn't fit. And though I'd like to try what it's like in the man box, in the larger context of society it feels like unless I transition to the point that they cannot recognize any femininity at all I'll never be treated like a man. and that is kinda discouraging haha.

I appreciate your encouragement however, It's nice to hear that where I'm at isn't uncommon, and that more subtle dysphoria is an experience that can be more universal than I originally thought. Now that I'm older and spending more time thinking about gender it's interesting to see that even when I can recognize dysphoria in the moment just how easy it is for me to try to write it off as something that 'everyone feels' or to be frustrated and try to tell myself that I just don't feel it at all. The second reaction of which I think is leftover from trying to reject beauty stereotypes enforced by my parents, or by the larger industry at large that I conditioned into myself as a teenager, but somehow has also been recently targeting thoughts about gender dysphoria, haha. I wonder if that hasn't been happening the whole time.

I do intend to get into a gender therapist. There isn't a lot available here locally, and I'm still trying to work out some financial stuff in my life before I can truly afford it. I have luckily been to a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy already and while those past sessions didn't specifically address gender I have a lot of tools in my repertoire that have been keeping me even keeled.

[Alexharrier]

On 6/27/2023 at 4:30 PM, Vidanjali said:

At my masc-est, I think of myself as an unusual looking dude. And in my most accepting frame of mind, I think that's kinda special (I don't always feel that way, in fact it's rare I do - it's usually "I am one weird lookin dude").

 

I find this quote very poignant, thank you for sharing your experience.

The most interesting thing to me, is that in exploring my gender at the age that I am, with the partner that I have, I have developed a deeper appreciation of femininity that I think I ever had. Because I am given the space to admit that I am not feminine, I can see and celebrate my partner when she has deeply feminine interests without feeling like it obscures who I am as a person. I don't at this point signal my gender on the outside beyond being kinda butch and only really see a man in the mirror if I really squint, but I do see the person I am as handsome, and having someone who appreciates and affirms that has been really freeing. It is a pretty special kind of feeling.

[Vidanjali]

16 hours ago, Alexharrier said:

Because I am given the space to admit that I am not feminine, I can see and celebrate my partner when she has deeply feminine interests without feeling like it obscures who I am as a person.

 

I very much relate to this. In retrospect, all my life before allowing myself to come out I perceived feminity as a competition and found it threatening. I just felt like a loser and very conspicuous whether I was presenting how I wanted to some extent or whether I was going for ultra femme because I always felt I was broken. Before my mid-20s, I was freer with my presentation, but suffered terrible dysphoria because I was ashamed of myself for being different. And, I was frequently clocked as a lesbian (often derogatorily). Then, I made a deliberate switch and embarked on a mission to "fit in". All that time, I felt like an imposter and it caused me severe relentless anxiety. I had to be the sexist, most beautiful, clever, flirtatious, attractive "woman" in the room at all times. I couldn't understand how "women" did it! 

 

Interestingly, my husband and I met when I was a teenager. I had a shaved head and wore a mixture of men's clothes from the thrift store & some revealing feminine items (as I believed my worth was tied to how attractive I was to men). Then, we dated briefly when we were 30 & I used to like to wear his clothes. Then, we got together for good at almost 40 when I was in ultra femme mode. I believe it was being in a marriage and taking on the role of "wife" that eventually pushed me to the limit of the dysphoria, anxiety & depression. I had to let it all go. So, given our history, he was not surprised I came out as trans, but has to deal with the reality of not having married ultra femme. It's been challenging, but we've stuck together. He still calls me "wife" (which makes me bristle, but I feel I gotta throw him a bone), but also calls me dude and bro which I like. 

 

16 hours ago, Alexharrier said:

only really see a man in the mirror if I really squint, but I do see the person I am as handsome, and having someone who appreciates and affirms that has been really freeing. It is a pretty special kind of feeling.

 

When I look in the mirror, it baffles me that people see a woman when they look at me. Not that I specifically see a man. That's the thing. It's a wonder to me. That is awesome that your partner is on this journey with you. It definitely makes a major difference. While my husband is ultimately supportive, I do tread somewhat lightly & I wish I could be freer. Not free of him, but free with him. But that's the journey we're on. 

 

[Sol]

Hi @Alexharrier! 

I relate a lot to your story here, especially when it comes to seemingly absent dysphoria until more recently (for me, it was two years ago when I was 17). Some things are different, as I wasn't raised in a strictly gendered household and was largely free to express myself as I pleased (I actually didn't think much about "girl" or "boy," the concepts didn't and don't really matter to me much), but not taking pictures and ignoring my body are things I've done for several years up until more recently. Only in the past few months have I been confident enough to take selfies. However, I know that for a while I thought I was doing womanhood wrong, not that womanhood just wasn't for me, and that led to a lot of heartache and apathy toward my body and how I looked. Even when I tried to go very femme or very masc, I was never as happy as I was when I could just exist outside of all that. Eventually, like I said above, the kicker was just realizing that womanhood just wasn't for me, and it didn't fit me right. Relating to trans male and transmasc characters, along with writing my own, helped a lot with that too.

And of course, that brought a lot of confusing feelings. Personally, genderqueer and transmasc are two terms that fit me best, since there are actually times I'm not entirely bothered by being called "lady." It's a strange distinction, but being called a woman is uncomfortable, and being called a lady is actually fine for me most of the time, I'm not sure why but that's okay with me. Either way, the labels above are ones that took me a while to fully explore, since I started off just a solid trans man, then agender, then back to trans man, then finally transmasc. Granted, I still say I'm a trans man for simplicity's sake, but I don't see myself as a man in any traditional sense. Honestly, being transmasc made me feel better and more confident in my femininity, and that's a feeling I greatly appreciating having. 

And I completely relate to gender just being the water you're swimming in, for me it's a lot like floating islands I just kind of drift around. The labels that fit me best are there because I like them, mostly because I feel like they most accurately describe my experiences and my own gender, but otherwise I'm really just me. I'm not in the woman box either, but I'll probably only be half in the man box. A more accurate description for what I'm doing it taking things out of the boxes I like and making my own, that's the beauty of it. 

You absolutely don't have to have labels figured out, it took me over a year and a half of soul searching to find ones I'm comfortable with, and you don't even have to have the label at all if you don't want to. The best advice I can offer is to just take your time and that it's more than okay to not have everything figured out. I like to think we learn something new everyday so as long as you're learning something, you're doing it right.