Coping with dysphoria

[H_G]

I’m having one of those days where I’m feeling really dysphoric.  I just can’t shake off the feeling.  Are there any strategies folk can point me towards to try and manage this better?

 

I don’t have a therapist and it’s more difficult in the UK if you can’t afford one privately.

 

Hannah.

[AllieJ]

H-G, sorry for the late reply, I am on the other side of the world! I hope your day improved! It helps to understand Dysphoria, it is a bad feeling sent out when you have incongruence with your gender identity. There are many triggers, but generally it's those things which affirm your assigned sex. To reduce dysphoria you need to reduce the incongruence by avoiding things which affirm your assigned sex, and doing things which affirm your gender identity.

 

For me, this meant avoiding testosterone fuelled places or activities, not looking at myself in mirrors or pictures, and not questioning myself. Instead, I would be active in affirming of my Gender identity thoughts and activities, or keeping myself insanely busy. I spent time with women as much as I could, adopting little things characteristic of them, I would write stories about different scenarios where I transition, I grew my hair and nails a little longer, and kept my body hair free, and on the rare occasions I would dress or underdress. Sometimes I would buy an item such as a handbag, knowing I couldn't use it, but owning it reduced my dysphoria a little.

 

These little things kept my dysphoria at tolerable levels for 60 years, but I eventually had to give in to transition as it was badly affecting my health. We sometimes need to resist our dysphoria, but it won't go away, and eventually we need to do something more substantial to get relief. I hope these help, and you can get some relief!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie 

[April Marie]

I'm also late to the party on answering this but I'll happily relate some of my strategies. I still spend quite a bit of time as "April in drag" otherwise known as my male persona and have worked with my therapist to find ways to tamp down the ever-present dysphoria. One of the first was to jettison male underwear. For daily wear I have high cut women's cotton briefs. They are affirming for me. I also have several light support bras that I can wear when presenting as male that don't show under my clothing. The combination of the briefs and bras have had a tremendous impact on defeating the dysphoria and increasing my self-image.

 

I've also let my hair grow out - now almost as long as when I was in high school in the early '70s and am much more attentive to my nails. I try to keep them a bit longer and buffed if I'm not wearing polish. My wear toenail polish almost always now, too. 

 

And, I've had my ears pierced. Ear piercing among males is so common now that it's rarely mentioned by people I see who've known me for many years. I wear small hoops generally when presenting as male...and have more feminine options for other times.

 

Honestly, those fairly simple strategies have helped me tremendously. I don't even really mind looking in a mirror - at least at my face - now. I do shave my body, as well.

 

I hope these suggestions help a bit.

[Mirrabooka]

@April Marie, we do so many similar things! Panties and bras, growing our hair out, nails, but no piercings for me.

 

I do these things for euphoria rather than lifting myself out of dysphoria, but really, the jury's out. It helps me, it helps you, makes no difference.

[H_G]

I’ve been managing this for a couple months now without too much trouble.  Finding little ways to affirm like browsing shops, styling my hair as feminine as I can get away with.  But it’s getting overwhelming again.  I can’t bear to look in the mirror just now.  I don’t like this and just want something to be different😢

[bobbbbbi]

Hi Hannah - are there any community groups or trans-friendly spaces near to where you live? I found connecting with other trans people and having a space where I could try out different looks/ways of moving helped me to lift some pressure from my shoulders every now and again, particularly when I was feeling dysphoric.

 

 

[SydneyAngel]

On 7/13/2023 at 3:42 AM, H_G said:

I’m having one of those days where I’m feeling really dysphoric.  I just can’t shake off the feeling.  Are there any strategies folk can point me towards to try and manage this better?

 

I don’t have a therapist and it’s more difficult in the UK if you can’t afford one privately.

 

Hannah.

Therpist dont cure Dysphia in my opinion. Transition Does . What part of you are you feeling bad ? Are you on Hormones Yet ? Maybe there is something you can do for yourself to take you mind off whats bugging you about yourself. 

[H_G]

Thank you.  Your first point has been very powerful.  

[H_G]

23 hours ago, SydneyAngel said:

Therpist dont cure Dysphia in my opinion. Transition Does . What part of you are you feeling bad ? Are you on Hormones Yet ? Maybe there is something you can do for yourself to take you mind off whats bugging you about yourself. 

Hi, I’ve not been able to stop thinking about what you said today.  I’ve always thought that I wasn’t in a place where I could transition, but I’m wondering if that’s actually what needs to happen.   I’m only in the last year or so come to terms with who I am, so will be a big deal to let everyone else in my life in.

 

I’m not on hormones yet.  There’s a really long wait here, but can’t do this outwith the proper route.  
 

What’s bugging me is that’s I’m so over looking in the mirror and seeing a body that I can’t bear the sight of, so something needs to change.  I think it’s time to change the path I’m on to one that’s not destroying me.

[AllieJ]

It is correct that therapists can not cure dysphoria, and it has been shown that transition is the only treatment which can 'cure', or reduce dysphoria to negligible levels, but, as you said, the process in Britain takes a long time (unless you can afford to go privately). Your initial need is to manage the dysphoria which is currently affecting your life, and this can be done with affirming actions which may or may not need to be known by those around you. It takes some trial and error to find what works for you, but you should be able to find ways to give you a tolerable life until you can access a cure.

 

I never believed I could transition, and fought it for 65 years until it destroyed my health, but 2 years later, I was post op, full time and completely accepted (well, except for my wife who left me, but is still my best friend). It's not something to take on lightly, as it affects everyone around you, but it can be possible, and it does significantly reduce dysphoria.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[DeeDee]

@H_G You've already had lots of good advice on how to bring out the joy in a way that still lets you walk around safely.

When I was still figuring things out I would use clear nail polish on my fingernails and then something bright or sparkly on my toes. I also swapped out all my black sports socks for black ladies socks with patterns on the sole and eventually I even bought a pair of flat soled ladies ankle boots that were identical to the male boots I'd been walking around in.

The one time I'd worn a bra out someone slapped me on the back as he was being all jokey and I nearly died coming up with all sorts of excuses in case it ever came up.

They were little ways to express myself that no one else could see or notice but made me smile when I thought about or saw them.

The next best things is a space to be yourself in, whether it is an LGBT+ group or even just a friends house. Get on the lists as quickly as possible and phone up every so often to double check you're still there because I'm almost certain they just randomly take folks off to pretend like they don't have a staffing problem. 

[SydneyAngel]

22 hours ago, H_G said:

Hi, I’ve not been able to stop thinking about what you said today.  I’ve always thought that I wasn’t in a place where I could transition, but I’m wondering if that’s actually what needs to happen.   I’m only in the last year or so come to terms with who I am, so will be a big deal to let everyone else in my life in.

 

I’m not on hormones yet.  There’s a really long wait here, but can’t do this outwith the proper route.  
 

What’s bugging me is that’s I’m so over looking in the mirror and seeing a body that I can’t bear the sight of, so something needs to change.  I think it’s time to change the path I’m on to one that’s not destroying me.

Hugs