Really don’t want to be AGAB today

[H_G]

I’m having one of those days where I just don’t want to be male today.  All I can think about is what getting up and having a whole day as Hannah.  It’s so difficult not being out and carrying this burden everywhere.  It seems like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Sorry, just had to vent.

 

H

[Louise B]

Sometimes the tunnel seems to have no light simply because it is such a long tunnel.

 

Sometimes it is because we do not realize we are not moving in this tunnel, so we are not getting any closer to the light.

 

I recognize that your post is a half year old.  What has changed in this interval of time?

[H_G]

Sorry for not replying sooner.  In short, nothing has changed.  I don’t know how or where to start.  The implications of sharing this with family and friends is just so overwhelming.  I get on with it and try the odd thing to ease the feelings of dysphoria with mixed results.

 

Yep, the tunnel is long and unending.

[April Marie]

I know how overwhelming it can be. Just keep walking through the tunnel. There IS light ahead, even before you get to the end you can find patches of light and happiness. And, remember we are here for you.

[Charlize]

I never thought my dreams would come true.  Some days i would have a moment or even a few hours of being myself. I began little by little to extend those times, then to move slowly into the world.  Sharing here with others who understood helped.

At one point a moderator said:  "I've got your back".  It seemed odd, but in some ways it was true.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KathyLauren]

4 hours ago, H_G said:

Yep, the tunnel is long and unending.

 

Yes, the tunnel is long.  But there is light at the end of it.  Just keep on moving towards the light at your own pace.

[Louise B]

Perhaps it would help to make this less overwhelming.  Instead of looking at the coming out process as being black or white, could you break that down into smaller steps that are easier to process?  Among your entire family and friends, is there one person you would feel safe coming out to and feel safe they would keep the matter confidential?

 

Having your gender identity existing someplace on earth other than between your ears might help you a lot, and also give you further perspective as to what the 2nd step might be.

[H_G]

2 hours ago, Louise B said:

Among your entire family and friends, is there one person you would feel safe coming out to and feel safe they would keep the matter confidential?

I quite like this idea.  Yes, it might help sharing with someone.  I’ll have a good think about what you say.

[H_G]

Just to add, after much reflection and procrastinating, I made the decision to contact a therapist tonight.  I need to talk and figure out what I need to do.

[Louise B]

Brava, H_G!!!!!!

[Ashley0616]

1 hour ago, H_G said:

Just to add, after much reflection and procrastinating, I made the decision to contact a therapist tonight.  I need to talk and figure out what I need to do.

Congratulations on taking the big leap forward. Don't feel pressured to move to quickly. Take your time and enjoy the journey. 

[April Marie]

1 hour ago, H_G said:

Just to add, after much reflection and procrastinating, I made the decision to contact a therapist tonight.  I need to talk and figure out what I need to do.

That is such wonderful news!!! Congratulations on taking a major step towards the light.

[H_G]

Having made the decision to speak to someone, today I felt like an enormous burden was lifted off my shoulders.  I’m anxious about it, but with a sense of calm which is odd.  It’s a big step committing to share something so private, but it seems less difficult with a stranger.

[Timi]

2 hours ago, H_G said:

Having made the decision to speak to someone, today I felt like an enormous burden was lifted off my shoulders.  I’m anxious about it, but with a sense of calm which is odd.  It’s a big step committing to share something so private, but it seems less difficult with a stranger.

That's so nice! Thank you for sharing! When I first typed in "local transgender therapist" into the search box on my computer, I started sobbing. It felt like such a huge thing. I still haven't found a therapist yet, but am looking. 

 

Hugs, 

 

-Timi

[April Marie]

3 hours ago, H_G said:

Having made the decision to speak to someone, today I felt like an enormous burden was lifted off my shoulders.  I’m anxious about it, but with a sense of calm which is odd.  It’s a big step committing to share something so private, but it seems less difficult with a stranger.

I found that it was such a relief to offload all of my fears, doubts, and my guilt. Once I opened the floodgates it became easy to talk about anything with my therapist. I hope your experience is just as good!

[April Marie]

58 minutes ago, Timi said:

That's so nice! Thank you for sharing! When I first typed in "local transgender therapist" into the search box on my computer, I started sobbing. It felt like such a huge thing. I still haven't found a therapist yet, but am looking. 

 

Hugs, 

 

-Timi

Have you thought about working with a therapist remotely? It's worked especially well for me, and others, and gives you a much greater selection of therapists.

[H_G]

It was a big step, but thing about it now, even saying that I have issues with my gender was the first time I’ve actually come out to anyone.  And the world hasn’t collapsed yet!!

[H_G]

I’ve now started with a therapist.  I’m really not sure where this journey will take me, but the first step is over.

[Ashley0616]

Just now, H_G said:

I’ve now started with a therapist.  I’m really not sure where this journey will take me, but the first step is over.

Congratulations! Baby steps and enjoy the ride!

[H_G]

I’ve had a few sessions and found it really searching.  It’s not exactly enjoyable, but very necessary. 

[Ashley0616]

Things will get more enjoyable especially once you established repour with them. Confidence is key. Things are not so fun in the beginning but once you get more comfortable with living life as you need to it will become a walk in the park. 

[H_G]

So, that’s five weeks in seeing a therapist. It’s not easy, but I’m finding it very helpful to begin to understand my relationship with my gender. 

[Ashley0616]

Yay! Give it more time. Just about everything at the start isn't easy but once you have more experience you will be on a roll! Thank you for the update. 

[Louise B]

Helpful was the goal.  Easy was never a part of it.  But it probably will get easier over time.  And you need this information, whatever it turns out to be.