So much confusion it hurts

[Mason26]

Hello. I'm 22 and I believe I'm FtM, but I've been so confused lately and I have a lot of questions. I'm not out to anyone but my mom (and I sort of re-closeted, we haven't discussed it in years) and I figured I was better off getting answers here then from Reddit.

I've known I was trans for over 4 years, but I've had signs for years (though I had a fairly typical girl childhood and was happy with that until puberty). For most of those past 4 years, I've been pretty sure about being a man. But I've been worried that I'm seeing something that's not there. What if my dysphoria is actually internalized misogyny? Maybe I can just be happy being a masculine woman? But even just writing that makes me feel weird. It doesn't help that I recently found out a cousin of mine is trans. When my family was talking about her, they said something along the lines of "I don't agree with it, but it's fine." My parents think that kids are essentially getting "groomed" into thinking they're trans, and with my cousin coming out, my family is even more likely to think I'm faking. I feel like if I did come out, I'm just going to choose a different kind of pain.

There are also some aspects of transitioning I'm worried about. This wouldn't be a dealbreaker, but my dad went bald and I'm worried I'll end up looking just like him. He's an -censored-, and I don't want to be anything like him. So why would I do something that could make me look like him? What if something goes wrong with my transition, or I end up regretting it? Lots of women don't like their chests either, right?

Mostly though, I'm worried about social transition. This is only something I've thought about recently, but it's really bothering me. As a man, I'm constantly worried about frightening women. I'm pre everything, but I think I somewhat pass (I'm 5'8, short hair, masc clothes, mostly have the mannerisms down, and my voice is on the deeper side). I'm scared that everything I do is perceived as a threat. Like if I happen to be walking behind a woman in the parking lot or whatever, even if I switch sides of the road I'm worried she'll think I'm following her. Or if I smile at someone as I pass her, what if it comes off as creepy? And if I feel this way now, won't transition make it worse? I know I'm probably overthinking this. The women in my life have told me they don't feel this way about men. I don't feel this way about men myself. I end up flip flopping between feeling guilty because I don't give women enough credit, or because I could end up being just one more cause of worry.

And then there's dating. I don't even know where to begin. It's hard for me to imagine a romantic relationship because I've never come close to one. I'm not even sure who I'm attracted to. I'm leaning towards liking women, but I'm worried that's just because I'll feel less like someone's "girlfriend" if I'm dating a woman opposed to a man. I know there's so much wrong with that, but I'm not sure how to stop thinking like that. When I'm watching a movie or whatever, I tend to look at men more than women, but that's because I like to imagine myself as the guys. And I'm not sure if there's underlying attraction that I don't notice because that "I want to be you" crush is so strong lol. But I feel like regardless of who I date, that I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't transition. How am I going to find someone who's fine with how different my body is going to be? But I doubt anyone would be more interested in a girlfriend who isn't really a girl inside?

I'm sorry if that didn't make a lot of sense or if that came across as rude. I know I'm overthinking a lot, I just need somewhere to air this out. I'm so frustrated and confused. Is this normal? Has anyone else ever felt this way? Thank you so much for your replies.

[Charlize]

I certainly understand your confusion, fear and pain in confronting your gender.  I fought the fight most of my life. I think many in our community have the feelings you describe quite well.

Being here and opening up to others helped me.  I'm not sure if that was because i better saw my issues, had the support of others or simply didn't feel as all alone.   Folks recommended that i see a gender therapist and that helped me immensely.

 

We are here to help and support you as we can regardless of your path.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize  

[April Marie]

You'll find many of us here who have - many still do - face the doubts, the fears, the guilt of accepting our true selves and trying to determine what "transition" looks like for each of us. In the end, finding what makes us truly happy and able to enjoy life is the goal. Transition isn't a fixed goal, it's really a sliding scale - finding where you feel most comfortable on that scale is key.

 

As Charlize mentioned, many of us have had tremendous assistance from working with a gender therapist. 

 

In any case, we're here to be the shoulder to cry on, the friend to celebrate with or to just listen. 

 

Welcome.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Mason26 Yes, what you're feeling is normal.

 

I'm AFAB, and since puberty I just didn't really fit in my female body.  I didn't get breasts or curves, just grew awkward.  My sister became a beautiful woman, and I didn't.  I got blamed by my parents for being a lesbian in my 20's, and felt a lot of rejection. 

 

But, there's good news!  You can be (or become) pretty much whoever or whatever you want.  How far you go toward the masculine is up to you.  I've since been diagnosed as intersex, and I've accepted my place as being kind of in the middle.  I'm androgynously boyish, not manly.  My husband is OK with that.  I think you can find somebody who is OK with who you are.  Expect a bit of confusion over your sexual orientation.  I was a lesbian in my girl form.  I met  my husband and things began to change.  In my boy form now, I'm absolutely crazy for my husband, although I still desire my female partners.  Be open to a bit of change.  I think a key is to try your best to reduce your expectations and assumptions for yourself.   

 

I can understand that feeling like you fit into a male appearance and role might make you think you seem threatening to others.  A lot of guys are jerks, and a lot of women are skittish.  I was one of those girls, and my GF openly says things like, "boys are icky."  But there's also lots of guys who aren't jerks and who people don't perceive as a threat.  My husband, for example, comes across as an extremely jovial "white knight" type.  Women love him, and act really trusting around him for some reason even when they don't know him.  So it isn't a guarantee that in a more masculine body that women will suddenly be skittish around you.  A lot depends on your attitude, your physical pose, and possibly even your pheromones.  No idea what all goes into it. 

 

Oh, and baldness.  I think that male-pattern baldness tends to follow how much testosterone you have in your system, as well as some heredity that is hard to explain.  I use a very mild T cream for a specific physical effect, rather than systemic HRT.  Due to the low dose, I don't worry about hair loss (and I'm quite fluffy.)  But I've heard that some who take larger doses of T can experience hair loss.  This question is one to raise with a doctor.  I'm not sure if there are tests to determine if there's a risk for it.  I'll also ask - what effect would you be looking for with taking testosterone?  Building muscle?  Changing body shape?  A doctor can guide you toward your goal, and offer you options.  Mine found exactly what I needed, and I've been happy with it. 

[Mason26]

Thank you so much for all your replies, I have a lot to think about.

[Mirrabooka]

On 7/31/2023 at 12:11 PM, Mason26 said:

Thank you so much for all your replies, I have a lot to think about.

You wouldn't believe how often I say the same thing after reading replies! This forum is an amazing place. Good luck with your journey, too.

 

On 7/30/2023 at 11:26 AM, April Marie said:

...trying to determine what "transition" looks like for each of us. In the end, finding what makes us truly happy and able to enjoy life is the goal. Transition isn't a fixed goal, it's really a sliding scale - finding where you feel most comfortable on that scale is key.

This sort of advice is gold. As someone who is not 'there' yet, I certainly need reminding of it from time to time too. Thank you, April Marie.