Wanglën's Journey so far

[Wangulen]

Hello, Mari Mari, my name is Wanglën, I'm now 33 almost 34, born in Chile, and adopted to the UK, 

Growing up I became aware at how boys are not supposed to show emotions or feelings, silently lurking behind, was a shadow, I would grow up and feel not who I am, I would go to sleep and pray every night that I would wake up a girl, I would wake up, open my and realize that I haven't changed, I thought maybe if I put on a dress and leave it at that, maybe it would do it? 

Reaching the age of 14 Halloween came around, unknown to me, my parents asked asked what we want to be for Halloween, jokingly my step brother said girls! For Halloween we are going to be girls. 

We sat there for about an hour while my mother, sister and step sister put make up on us, put a wig on and made it look really nice, I had a red skirt thing with laughable high heels, not only did I fall over a few times, twisted ankle 👋, but we made our way to the end of the area and giraffe walked back home with our bounty of sweet sugary loot, the whole time I was in "character" I never felt so complete, yet disconnected, something had changed in my understanding and felt shame and regret, but also felt belonging.

After this experience of feeling like myself, I did the wrong thing and swooped a bra from my step sister, ignorantly thinking that no one will find out, you know like it got lost, when the family would leave, as insanely risky as it was, I wore that bra and stuffed it with socks, threw a shirt on and looked at my work, something felt right, like I have felt this before, yet not in a sense that could be, but something rather familiar. Fast forward a few years I begin to push away those thoughts and feelings, infact i had to push away all emotions, my step sister one day asks me a question, "you want to go to the mall?" 

I was very jealous of how women can change thier appearance and not be attacked or labeled, for some reason I have to abide by a set of rules, while girls can wear thier clothes and ours, yet we are disciplined for doing the same? 

We where walking past a store and I remember this long silk dress, blue with the most intricate pattern that mezemirized me, my stepsis saw this and was like "what you looking at oh my!" 

I looked away and she asked me what I was looking at, "the Mandela pattern on the dress" 

"It was nice to look at and probably feels light to wear" we ate some Micky ds and we drive home not speaking a word of what happend. 

A week later she has a box of random clothing items, bras, shirts, skirts the such.  We wait for the family to go do thier thing and we dressyp and go out, driving around the town, feeling free, with sunglasses and a big hat, I was completely unknown, but it felt right.

We finish this episode and never talk about it again.

Highschool/college

While my group of friends where mostly girls growing up, they are more understanding than the boys, slowly I started getting attracted to one, and started seeing them more, long story short, it destroyed our friendship, left me kinda broken, and we went out ways, I met a girl at the end of highschool who we clicked instantly, slowly I start asking her questions about her clothes and such, and she asked me , "what, you want to put it on?" 

"Yes"

I put on a bra and stuffed them up and proudly smiled at my chest, 

She then asked me how I felt, rather comforting yet exposed.

We have a four year relationship and I left her feeling exposed and shame.

I hide it all up again, and this time lock the door and hide the key,

The armed forces for 3 years in a combat unit I thought, will take away all these silly thoughts

Before my draft I had long hair, I always wanted my long hair, the longest I got it to was my shoulders, it was my crown, my gift, the army shaved it all off, I told them my religious rites forbid this, but it's not negotiable, throughout the army held in the motions, I finished and got married thinking HaH! That part is all behind me!

Being adopted and digging into your past can bring things that maybe is better left unknown.

Identity for me is a big one, and I begin to learn about my roots and ancestors, I have had very intense dreams since a child, one of them I was a woman, I never felt like I was at home in my self, but at the same time I also felt lost, 

I  dig into my family and ask my birth mother why do I have these dreams? 

"We come from a family of Machi(witches), your grandfather, grandmother, and everyone before them where all witches"

Ok so what do I have to do? 

" It's not something that you can just jump into my son, you're born into it"  what does that mean? 

She leaves it at that, and I'm sort of confused, I have only seen female Machi's!  What does she mean grandfather?  Gender fluidity!  the ability to be what is! This would explain the motions and the reactions! One side is a feminine and the other is a masculine, like the wind blows, so does my identity, while my wife has no clue about what is going through my head, the other day I found myself digging throught the laundry and a sports bra falls on the floor, mind is racing again, I put it back and leave it at that, I can't risk my marriage with these silly thoughts.

I have hEDS, a joint Condition and it is debilitating me to a walking stick right now,

While polishing a ring I made (silversmith), I leaned over and received another herniated disc (now 5), and I have been in excruciating amount of pain, the Drs won't listen to my voice, they tell me there's nothing they can do, yet I'm still in pain, I went to bed at 0500, while trying to get into bed the sensation of my spine about to split in half begins, I take a deep breath and shimmy myself into bed, after an hour of breathing exercises, I close my eyes and recant a mantra, 

Out of the void and complete nothingness, a horned woman riding a giant snake is materializing in my minds eye, and like something moving around in front of you with your eyes closed, she's showing me her face, I have seen her before in many of my dreams! The serpent, her figure, the way her head is raised up, she looks me dead in the eye, after researching what it was, it came to be Lilith,

I have never had an experience like that, but it was the most profound experience I have had, 

All these years I have pushed aside anything feminine and girly, I have to for the sake of not being exiled once more (adoption) but that vision has removed the chains of oppression that held her in her jail, this Wanglën (female spirit) is free at last, her beauty and love has been denied for too long, I am going to take what I have and run through the forests, through nature I will seek. 

I don't feel like not only I don't belong in this time, but also in the body, like you go out to buy a car, and the car in the showroom is one model, and you like it, the car chooses you it fits *you*, yet they send you a completely different one, one that has everything all In the wrong place and has extra parts that are still 33 years later, somewhat alien to you, you question the dealer and he calls the police on you.. 

I take it that I have broken through, but when will my family find out? Life is too short to not be comfortable in your skin, Ad Aspera Ad Astra.

Amulepe taiñ weichan MARRICHIWEW! 

 

 

[Delcina B]

Welcome @Wangulen! Glad you're here! I can so relate to the hiding, guilt & just needing to "man" up. I love your comment, "life's too short..." I hope you find the wonderful advice support acceptance here as I have!

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, @Wangulen.  I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain, both physical and emotional.  I hope that things get better for you, and you can find relief.  Please look around the forums and make yourself at home.  We will be there to support you on your bad days, and to celebrate with you your good days.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing your story with us.  As your brothers and sisters we understand.  There is a great deal in your story i could have written myself.

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ashley0616]

Welcome @Wangulen thank you for sharing your life with us. 

[April Marie]

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story!! You'll find so many wonderful and supportive people here...and a wealth of ideas and information, too. Jump in where and when you feel comfortable!!

[ChloeL]

Wow that's an amazing story!  I really hope things work out well for you!

 

There are great people on here full of great advice and great experience.  Definitely ask away, and related any thoughts that are on your mind!  I definitely have lol!