How to combat the constant gawking?

[Maria Viklund]

When i'm out and about, i'm being constantly gawked at, or so i feel.

I'm not the most feminine woman and i'm still in my male skin, waiting to get

accepted for treatment (hormones and surgical).
So i'm currently not passing by a longshot, thus i get oogled and gawked at a lot.

My red nails and my female attire really seem to trigger people

and i get looked at a lot. Ok, fine, i get it, i look "different" but it

gets to me and makes me feel uncomfortable and i don't know how to handle it.

 

[Charlize]

I'm sorry Maria.  It is difficult to be other in a society where conformity is seemingly required.  Years ago i remember making a major effort to pass and it was an utter failure.  I remember seeing people doing a double take when they saw me.  Eventually i found support with other folks who were either cross dressers or early in transition.  We would meet and go out to dinner feeling the safety and support of numbers.  My skin got tougher.  My presentation, wardrobe and manner improved and i began to feel i belonged.  I can't remember feeling awkward recently.  Time has given me the blessing of self acceptance and with that the world seems to accept mw as well.  

Please don't let depression get you down.  You are most certainly not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Mx.Drago]

Chin up, worry less of what they want to see/what they're looking for, in the end those eyes don't matter, unless you want them to. It's what matters to you that's important, dress for yourself and for those you want to enjoy your time with. Dressed in any fem degree, everybody's going to look, comes with the package.

Dress your best and walk like you own the sidewalk beneath your feet and you're the business. If people look it's cuz they've been captured by your presence and don't have the willpower or manners to even take note of the slight. All women are given the eyes treatment cuz everything is checked out. For me, AFAB, it got irritating really quick, but there's a power behind having that hold on people. Try not fearing the power too much, but learn to use it to help boost that confidence engine. You got your nails done, wearing a new dress, they all should take note and enjoy. If they don't like it or even heavens laugh, whatever to them they can look elsewhere cuz you're fine for you and you own you.

[Maria Viklund]

On 8/19/2023 at 11:28 PM, Charlize said:

 

Please don't let depression get you down.  You are most certainly not alone.

 

 It's not so much Depression as despair of just wanting to be left alone.
But hopefully i'll get there, eventually. I'm hopefull.

 

18 hours ago, Mx.Drago said:

Chin up, worry less of what they want to see/what they're looking for, in the end those eyes don't matter, unless you want them to.

Thankyou =)

[MirandaB]

I try to tell myself that I always deep down wanted to be seen as who I am, so if people are noticing me that it's what I wanted. Of course, that's a challenge when the looks are disapproving. 

[Mx.Drago]

4 hours ago, RhondaS said:

I try to tell myself that I always deep down wanted to be seen as who I am, so if people are noticing me that it's what I wanted. Of course, that's a challenge when the looks are disapproving. 

It feels great getting approved by others, but don't let the easy dopamine hit compromise your integrity and be what determines what's important and good for you. The point of you doing this journey is to be yourself, what you want for yourself and those you determine worthwhile. There's just some people who won't be pleased regardless of how hard you bend over backwards to try and satisfy, don't give them an inch and let them get in your head. There are boundaries to the wanting, you want people to notice, but specifically want the approval, so give those the time and the others get the road.

[gemmalouise]

I think most people would be very surprised at how little people notice each other walking down the street.  They all have their own little missions.

[VickySGV]

Not to toot my own horn too loudly, here is a post I made just a short time after I got here and it has stood the test of time as still being what I keep observing.  It is in the Passing As You True Gender Forum, but applies well to the issue being discussed here

 

https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/index.php?/topic/43991-public-vs-picture/

 

This talks about pictures, but it applies to daily life.  As I say at one point in it, I can be pretty paranoid at times but I find out even daily that people do not really pay that much attention to us unless we do something really out there screwball. Even so I have had more humorous times of people gawking at me than the icky times.  A good example is a guy who nearly knocked his wife on her face in a shopping mall while he had his eyes on me and not where he was going.  The wife saw me as just another woman from what I heard her yelling at him at that point and my sympathetic look at her clinched that one tight. 

[KymmieL]

Welcome Maria,

When I first went out. I felt that everyone was looking at me. I bothered me terribly. Until I figured out. I don't care. Let them stare and gawk all they want. Yet, I have seen people gawking at others. So, hun. You are not alone in that feeling. 

 

Kymmie

[rachel w]

On 8/19/2023 at 4:50 PM, Maria Viklund said:

When i'm out and about, i'm being constantly gawked at, or so i feel.

I'm not the most feminine woman and i'm still in my male skin, waiting to get

accepted for treatment (hormones and surgical).
So i'm currently not passing by a longshot, thus i get oogled and gawked at a lot.

My red nails and my female attire really seem to trigger people

and i get looked at a lot. Ok, fine, i get it, i look "different" but it

gets to me and makes me feel uncomfortable and i don't know how to handle it.

 

when you go out you need to own it put your self in your world and dont pay attention to anyone be Happy with your self, thats what I do for the most of it, love your self

[Betty K]

Hi @Maria Viklund, I sympathise. I’m not going to advise you not to care what others think as I know how hard that is. And tbh I think if we all had that ability then there would be far fewer trans people seeking certain surgeries and procedures. Social dysphoria is a thing, after all, and in my experience you can’t just wish it away. 
 

That said, I do think it is possible to love yourself and feel confident in society without passing. This may be the difference between dressing to look good and dressing to convince others you are a woman. In my case, there is always a balance. To avoid getting misgendered (which always hurts) I try to make sure I look sufficiently feminine that people pick up on the signals. But I am under no illusions that I pass. And, knowing people will look anyway, I don’t dress to blend in. I dress in clothes I love and that make me feel good about myself. 

 

I realise our situations may be different, but I do think there can be a toxic level of emphasis put on passing in the trans community. As a 6’2” 50 year old with limited resources who has very little hope of ever passing, I try to make feeling and looking good the goal, not submitting to an old-fashioned binary view of gender that has only ever harmed me. 
 

 

 

 

[gemmalouise]

I have found that if I look back at them and smile they either smile back or look away hurriedly.  Either way is a good outcome.

[Pip]

20 minutes ago, gemmalouise said:

I have found that if I look back at them and smile they either smile back or look away hurriedly.  Either way is a good outcome.

This is exactly the method I use whe3n I spot someone that's looking at me intently. I confirm that the results I get from flashing a smile at them is as gemmalouise described.
Pip

[Betty K]

I agree that it can be good to look back at people if you sense them staring. It has become second nature for me to do so. But I certainly don’t smile at everyone. I smile at the nice looking people, I give a wry inquisitive look to the neutral people, and I glance blankly at the disapproving people, just to let them know I see them. As to the (very few) outright negative ones, I prefer not to engage at all, but if they make it impossible not to I stare through them until they get bored.

[gemmalouise]

There are many kinds of smiles, Love it Betty.