Picking a label - or not

[Avra]

On 8/30/2023 at 6:14 AM, RaineOnYourParade said:

I've always hated "little lady", regardless of dysphoria. "Ma'am" is uncomfortable, sure, but "little lady" makes me want to throw something against a wall

That sounds a little denigrating even if you did identify as female. Like something I would call my 5 year old niece. 💁‍♀️👀

[Avra]

5 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

Ahh, the good ol' label issue. 

 

I have also struggled with this. I was hellbent on categorizing myself at one stage, so that I could then own it and run with it...whatever "it" actually was. But I never got there. Labelling myself is less important now, yet I still ask myself occasionally. Effeminate or queer? Crossdresser or transfeminine? Gender fluid or bi gender? It's all too hard.

 

@Vidanjali nailed it by suggesting that the nondescript labels are easier to live with.

That sounds a lot like how things went for me! Desperate for a label but never latched on to one and eventually decided labels don't really matter to me. I present as male to pretty much everyone in my life but I've greatly reduced the effort I used to put into hiding my effeminate side. I also found this hairdresser salon that is fully LGBT friendly (my hairdresser is lesbian) and it's my favorite place to be because I can just be myself. I still don't know exactly where I am at but I want to be unabashedly, me.

[Avra]

5 hours ago, Birdie said:

I struggled with this one as well. "What am I?" Kept popping up onto my head as all the different colourful categories existed. 

I came to realisation that I am exactly who I am, nothing more and nothing less. 

 

I wake up every morning to prepare myself like any other woman would go about starting her day, and leave the house presenting as a woman (even if dressed androgynous). 

 

People "perceive" me as a woman when they first meet me as well. 

 

In my case, I have chosen to skip the colourful labels and simply think of myself as a woman. 95% of the time, strangers will see me for that as well.

 

If I am "clocked" by some individuals and called something different, I just answer to whatever popped up into their minds and answer to it as well. 

 

I'm not going to waste my time correcting people, nor caring about it either. 

That's a very level headed way to look at it. It's easy to forget that people make mistakes and may have deep underlying biases that they're not even aware of. We all do. 🙃 The best part is the rare time someone straight up said I look like a girl, as if that's supposed to be an insult and all I wanted to say was "Thanks, I try". 😅

[Avra]

4 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

That's awesome.

 

A couple weeks ago, I went to a drag show with a straight cis girlfriend. I decided to do a little experiment. I wore a rainbow "they/them" pin, and determined to correct any misgendering figuring a drag club would be a safe place to do so. My friend and I walk in and are greeted by the hostess queen: "Good evening, ladies."  I smile and say, I prefer not to be called "lady". She smiled back and asked, what would you like to be called. I said, "friend". She replied, well nice to see you, friend, and then led us to our table. Then, a bartender came over to change a large bill to singles for tips and take our drink order: "Do you ladies need singles?" Again, I smiled and repeated the aforementioned interaction. With a big smile he replied, "welcome, friends!" Then, our server queen came to our table: "Hello, ladies." I gave up. I didn't feel frustrated, exactly, but just a bit alienated. I also realized that a drag club IS very lady-oriented.

 

So, I am working on the not caring so much about it aspect. It is challenging tho when I'm misgendered about 99.9% of the time, including by those I'm out to. But, I don't expect nonbinary to be on most ppl's radar.

I mean they did try once you said something but if you were literally wearing a pin I wouldn't have expected you would have had to. At the end of the day I try to measure where people's hearts are at and leave the rest. It is true that non-binary is not a category well understood in society. If I'm unsure I just use they/them by default because it literally works for anyone.

 

4 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Indeed, neither little nor lady, thank you very much. "Young lady" irks me too, especially as a middle-aged person. I may be rare in this, but I don't find it flattering to be referred to as young. Maybe I'm being literal minded, but if I'm "young" and look like a middle-aged person, then those were some seriously rough years! Moreover, there's a sense of pride in having survived for as many years as I have and having overcome all the challenges throughout.

I mostly don't like being called "young" because it feels like a lie. I feel anything but young even though I am young from some people's perspective. I've been called an old soul as well which seems more like a compliment and more honest.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

9 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Indeed, neither little nor lady, thank you very much. "Young lady" irks me too, especially as a middle-aged person. I may be rare in this, but I don't find it flattering to be referred to as young. Maybe I'm being literal minded, but if I'm "young" and look like a middle-aged person, then those were some seriously rough years! Moreover, there's a sense of pride in having survived for as many years as I have and having overcome all the challenges throughout.

 

Someday I'll summon up the courage and grace to tell my husband how much I don't care to be referred to as "wife".

 

 

I never liked "little lady" even when I was one.  Nowadays it REALLY doesn't work.  I still get it occasionally, but people sound hesitant when they address me as a female because they aren't sure.  What's funny is when somebody addresses my GF as "little lady." 😏  It often happens in a technical environment like an auto parts store - and the person who says that gets treated to GF's Rage Mode.  

 

I never asked my husband to stop referring to me as "wife."  I'd accept it if he used it, as I still don't mind if folks use feminine pronouns for me.  But when I told him about my gender issues and he started accepting me in my boy form, he stopped using the word.  Typically, he uses "partner" or "spouse," and while I never would have asked for the switch it has meant a lot to me that it happened without my asking. 

 

[Mirrabooka]

8 hours ago, Avra said:

That sounds a lot like how things went for me! Desperate for a label but never latched on to one and eventually decided labels don't really matter to me. I present as male to pretty much everyone in my life but I've greatly reduced the effort I used to put into hiding my effeminate side. I also found this hairdresser salon that is fully LGBT friendly (my hairdresser is lesbian) and it's my favorite place to be because I can just be myself. I still don't know exactly where I am at but I want to be unabashedly, me.

Yep, I can relate! Even regarding my hairdresser, even though she's straight, she doesn't care about how girly I let myself be in fromnt of her.

[Avra]

52 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

Yep, I can relate! Even regarding my hairdresser, even though she's straight, she doesn't care about how girly I let myself be in fromnt of her.

That's awesome! 💇‍♀️

[Vidanjali]

On 9/9/2023 at 1:58 PM, Avra said:

I mean they did try once you said something but if you were literally wearing a pin I wouldn't have expected you would have had to. At the end of the day I try to measure where people's hearts are at and leave the rest.

 

For sure. To be fair, the pin was probably difficult to read in the dim light of the club. Those whom I corrected were very cool and nice. And if nonbinary is not on someone's radar, they're definitely going to clock me as a lady. 

 

A funny story. This morning my husband and I went out for breakfast. The server brought one of my side items a moment after she'd served everything else, and placed it down saying, "here you are m'lady." I deliberately didn't look up and I'm the split second I was preparing to thank her, my husband replied, "thank you." 😄

 

On 9/9/2023 at 1:58 PM, Avra said:

It is true that non-binary is not a category well understood in society. If I'm unsure I just use they/them by default because it literally works for anyone.

 

That's nice, and it does.