Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

It’s weird to say that I knew now, but I’m definitely new here, be prepared it’s a long one


Nicoleeolee

Recommended Posts

Writing this introduction gives me such crazy reflection about my last couple of years. My name is Nicole. For real that’s who I am now legally,

 

A few years back, I started at another forum, just simply trying to figure myself out and understand who I was. That led to an entire blog of my ups and downs. All of my fears on display, I was terrified to admit to anyone who I actually was. After a few years, I finally came out in public first to my wife then the rest of my family and friends. Some of the friends that I gained on that forum traveled with me to another forum but I believe it was recently hacked and is no there’s no longer there.. it just shows you the amount of stupid hatred that is out there by the people who are just simply uncomfortable that we exist. That, unfortunately is another story. The good news is those people are still here. And I am so excited to join your forum. Gonna be a part of your family here.
 

I mentioned the friends that I had on that form because they’re still my friends today…..years later. A few of them I’ve actually met in person others. I feel like I’ve met in person as I’ve seen them on zoom meetings for so long…it’s almost like their family. I think that’s what a good transgender family is someone that supports you as you go through all of these crazy changes. I’ll try to give you a quick synopsis of how I got here.

 

My name is Nicole. I am a male to female transgender woman who knew at the age of four that I wanted to be more like mom. I would secretly steal her clothing and dress up in secret, knowing that this was not acceptable behavior. I couldn’t help myself, It’s how I felt. ( and that blows the whole stupidity about this being a sexual thing, let’s face it what’s sexual about a four-year-old?) After years of dressing up inside the bathroom or when people weren’t home, I finally reached puberty and outside of one brief incident where I was semi caught …no one found out. I realized, as middle school was approaching, acting out on who I am, was not going to be an option.  Honestly, I was already a dorky kid with glasses. I didn’t need the bullies to find this out. Truth is, I was bullied quite a bit and took a lot of beatings that I shouldn’t have when I was younger. By the time I started figuring out how I had to act, I tried to bury these feelings as deep as I could. No one was ever going to know how I truly felt. I felt like this was a secret I was going to keep my entire life. I honestly thought something was wrong with me.
 

I became the world’s greatest actor, I was constantly walking in every room and figuring out how I was supposed to act, so I could be “the dude”

I was a fraud. Since I was infatuated with girls, I figured there’s no way I should be feeling this way. ( of course we all know by now that your sexuality has zero to do with your gender.) I spent the next 40 some of years trying to be the man I never was. I got married to the love of my life, had two kids, and went on with life, secretly reading transgender fiction, dreaming of what I wish I could be and genuinely suffering inside every day.

 

It’s funny that you actually believe you can bury the very essence of who you are as a being. Truth is it will never go away. This is who I’ve always been. I tried to bury my feelings with alcohol through college. I became a workaholic during my marriage. Then I got into religion thinking I could find the answers in that book. ( funny how I did find the answers, but most of the Christian community can’t see those still.) Once again my religious beliefs are yet another story. Finally a few years ago, I found a transgender site where I finally decided to be honest with the people on the site. ( almost honest truth is, I went by the name Stephee, it’s basically the female version of my male names so …….I need to put a name on my post, there you go)

I started to find out there’s a lot more people just like me. I figured out there was nothing wrong with me. Most things are what’s wrong with the world around me. After a suicide attempt, I realized if I don’t at least try to figure out what’s going on …I’m not gonna make it. I was over 360 pounds eating myself to death and I just didn’t care. 
 

I then told my wife. I also told my parents in my children along with multiple friends to mixed reactions. Then after a roller coaster of up-and-down emotions and a lot of counseling wirh my wife we figured it out. I started taking hormone blockers, combined with estrogen. ( it was suddenly like I was running on the right fuel for the first time in my life ) My wife also decided she was going to support me because she loved me the person I am inside instead of the outside form I portray.  
 

Unfortunately, less than a week after she told me that ….she died suddenly due to a genetic condition we didn’t know existed. It absolutely crushed me and once again I almost ended my life. It was the very beginning of Covid and her death had nothing to do with it. The world was in chaos, and I was falling apart. I once again planned suicide. That’s what a good friend of mine from the transgender site reached out to me via messenger and asked if I would like to be part of the zoom that night. What I didn’t realize is, it was an intervention to help me. What they didn’t realize at the time it saved my life. It gave me hope that maybe I could actually do this. I decided the next day that Nicole ( my true name, me and my wife decided on before her passing ) needed a chance to live. A couple weeks later I started to dress in public for the first time in my life. After terrifying few hours, stuck in a hotel room too scared to walk outside the door …I did it. 
 

My family, and a good majority of my friends were very supportive. Both of my daughters were there to support me and I never looked back. I finally realized I can’t live any other way and I need to start making plans to transition in public and at work basically risking my job. I became the first person to transition on the job in the history of my company. Somehow I found enough bravery to go through with it and once again with some lukewarm reactions, I’ve never looked back. Funny story is I was successful at my branch before I transitioned. Now that I live as the woman I always should’ve been. I am more successful at my job than I had ever been before. I am now, not only successful at my Branch, but considered one of the best in my entire division. I never saw that coming. I also got to become part of the leader ship committee for the company LGBT. Together I work till the last two years to change our insurance to now cover transgender surgery. Come November 14th, I will finally get that surgery to make myself complete and match the rest of my body. 
 

Of course, my story is much much deeper than all the craziness I just wrote. All of us have those crazy ups and downs. I am thrilled to be here, and I am no longer new with this, but I would love to talk to anyone whoever needs advice. Please know that fear cannot dictate your life. I will end this with a motto that I invented for myself. “ Never fear anything that can’t physically harm you.”  be confident in yourself, and who you are the rest of the world will adjust. If they don’t, you don’t need them.
 

So happy to join you here.

 

Nicole

 

 


 

IMG_9185.jpeg

Link to comment

My first post here, and I already screwed up…Lol. It won’t be the first time.. the title should read Be prepared not “e”… that’s a Road folks have an idiot get used to it.

Link to comment
  • Jani changed the title to It’s weird to say that I knew now, but I’m definitely new here, be prepared it’s a long one

Welcome to the forum, Nicole! Your story is inspirational to those of us just beginning our journey of discovery and self-acceptance. I am so glad you found your way to us and look forward to hearing your experiences and advice.

Link to comment

Thank u

Happy to share and help anyone sharing my experience. Others helped me. I think we should help each other. Probably start a blog soon to give u more of my ridiculous self deprecating self

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

So glad you are here. You are in a group of amazing people and I'm happy you found us. You have been through a lot and many here can relate (i sure can). You are among friends and fellow journeyers in this voyage. Ask any questions you might have and know you'll receive honest, unconditionally loving answers.

Hugs.

Link to comment

Nicole, it has been my privilege to have been along for your journey, and get to know one of the most inspirational people I have ever met! We have suffered and triumphed together, and both found a life beyond our expectations, but the journey is still not done! I look forward to the adventures ahead, and know that we will face adversity side by side, because that's what family does!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

   Welcome Nicole.

    Don't worry about typos...... i could never spell and i often am horrified by my typos.  Sometimes my posts may need a translator.  

    When i found this site it was under another name and was some the what unique.  There was one other non date orientated site but i understand recent attacks brought it down.  We get attacked at times and may even disappear but fortunately have always had the technical expertise to repair and heal the space.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
59 minutes ago, atlantis63 said:

hi,

 

a little shy about creating my own topic, but wanted to welcome you to the site. I just joined today myself

Welcome, Atlantis!!! There's no need to be shy about introducing yourself in a new post. Even if you just want to say Hi! We're all very welcoming here - and glad that you found us. Feel free to share as much or as little as you are comfortable doing.

Link to comment
7 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

So glad you are here. You are in a group of amazing people and I'm happy you found us. You have been through a lot and many here can relate (i sure can). You are among friends and fellow journeyers in this voyage. Ask any questions you might have and know you'll receive honest, unconditionally loving answers.

Hugs.

Thank u. Seems like a great community. Love honest answers. Great to meet you.

4 hours ago, AllieJ said:

Nicole, it has been my privilege to have been along for your journey, and get to know one of the most inspirational people I have ever met! We have suffered and triumphed together, and both found a life beyond our expectations, but the journey is still not done! I look forward to the adventures ahead, and know that we will face adversity side by side, because that's what family does!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

Hey…❤️..My long lost friend (I see on zoom once a week…and really feels more like a fantastic older Sister..,Lol) Yes we have been through a lot in our journeys. Thank u for your thoughts, amazing comments and your friendship. Forum number 3 now. This place is pretty great so far.

3 hours ago, Charlize said:

   Welcome Nicole.

    Don't worry about typos...... i could never spell and i often am horrified by my typos.  Sometimes my posts may need a translator.  

    When i found this site it was under another name and was some the what unique.  There was one other non date orientated site but i understand recent attacks brought it down.  We get attacked at times and may even disappear but fortunately have always had the technical expertise to repair and heal the space.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Yes it’s very sad we have to even be attacked. Like I’m a threat to anyone…Yes my typos are mostly due to fat fingers and laziness of wanting to reply with voice to text. Oh well. It makes my posts an adventure sometimes. Lol..Awesome to meet u!

2 hours ago, atlantis63 said:

hi,

 

a little shy about creating my own topic, but wanted to welcome you to the site. I just joined today myself

Thank you for the welcome.. no need to be shy with me. I’m an open book and happy to be a friend.

Link to comment
6 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Hi, @Nicoleeolee!  I am glad you found us!  It is good to see you here!

I’m glad to be here too. It’s great to see you, Kathy! Hopefully all is well in the great North.

Link to comment

So I’ve decided to break things down for my intro and make my own blog

I feel I need to write the thoughts in my mind out, but also because reading so many blogs from the wonderful people who helped me so much to move forward.
 

Either way I now have a blog. 
 

I hope everyone is well today

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

You look great, Nicolle.  I’m envious that your family accepts you so well.

 

I ACHE to fully transition.. The roadblock is my wife of 35 years.   She tells me she’ll leave if I do so.   I don’t get it.   She accepts my bodily changes, (I can pass OK at the beach wi B cup boobs?   

Link to comment

 Nicolle, my finger twitched and hit the wrong key, ooops.

 

I go out into the world as myself a lot, 1-2 times a week,   And pass well.  I’ve had guys show interest!   And do what I want, I belong to a number of meetup groups.   Went ballroom dancing for a while.

 

So I don’t get it.  Why is she so against me fully transitioning?

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 65 Guests (See full list)

    • Timi
    • Karen Carey
    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • Ashley0616
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.4k
    • Total Posts
      764.9k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,835
    • Most Online
      8,356

    boredhiker
    Newest Member
    boredhiker
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. AllieJ
      AllieJ
      (70 years old)
    2. aqn
      aqn
    3. BecciCP
      BecciCP
      (51 years old)
    4. brytina
      brytina
      (29 years old)
    5. Chancw
      Chancw
      (24 years old)
  • Posts

    • KatieSC
      Good luck with the laser! I remember my first session. I had this salt and pepper stuff, and it was unclear that it would work. After a couple of sessions, I had to switch to electrolysis. Over 220 hours, and I am coming close to the end. Hair removal, no matter the method, is not what I would call fun, but is sure gratifying when you cannot see any hair and you feel smooth soft skin on your face.
    • KatieSC
      I think all of us have a lot of stuff that accumulates over the decades. Whether parents were old or young, being poor has created big barriers for our folks to engage with us when we were growing up. I can sense a lot of hurt in your words Willow. My folks were much younger, and I was fortunate that my folks gave me a lot of support. I still got yelled at, and still got some beatings now and again. I was still to scared to ever tell my folks that I was trans back then. Years later, my mother said to me, "I know more than you think I know."   I was floored. I think back to the how hard they worked for so little. Yet, I know a lot of others had to face much worse. I hope that you and your wife are doing okay. How is she recuperating?     
    • Lorelei
      College.    Engineering school was so difficult and time consuming that I rarely thought of gender. As a result I was a lot less depressed and was suicidal only a couple of times, with no attempts. It was commute-class-commute-homework-study-work repeat. I didn’t sleep much. My father got sober so my home life drastically improved. I only asked one girl and I did get rejected. Apparently she was in a group that forbid dating people from other ethnicity’s and had I got involved with her I could have been killed. I was told about getting killed by someone in that group much later, but I don’t know if that was true or exaggerated.    I nearly flunked out and lost my scholarship freshman year which was a real big stressor. But I hit sophomore year running and kept getting A’s throughout my college years. I did get the scholarship back. I studied so much that I was able to complete 15+ credits of graduate school while still undergrad. I graduated with honors.    My closest friend was in computer engineering (I am civil/environmental engineering) and he was gay. The rest of my friends were women. I definitely felt right with that. My class was like 75% female. I connected with the women much better than men. Although I was definitely presenting as male at that time I felt like I was one of the women. I still didn’t know about the concept of being transgender, all I thought of that was they were cross dressing. But at this point I knew I was a woman inside of a man’s body and men’s clothing.    After graduating, I got a job at the sewer department and took night classes to complete my masters degree in two years. I was able to complete it so quickly because of all the masters credits from when I was undergrad. So it was now work-commute-homework-studying-commute with little time to think about gender. So I was actually pretty happy and not depressed. The summer of graduation I started caving which led to a lot. 
    • Willow
      Good morning    @awkward-yet-sweet you didn’t need to grow up poor or in a bad family to need to get away.   by most standards, my parents should have been my grandparents, my father was 5G when I was born. He never did much with me and if he couldn’t fix it with money he didn’t bother.    My mother was 40 but that was still old to have a baby back then.  I was sick a lot.  Weak compared to others my age.  Mostly mentally abused, not physically but still abused.  I could never get any praise. Got a lot of static about my first year of college. I dropped out and joined the Air Force.  This was at the heights of Vietnam.  Girls joined to get away from abuse with the hope of learning a skill they could use to support themselves when they got out.  Sorry to say a lot of their abuse continued in the service back then.   nothing has changed and I doubt it ever will.
    • Lorelei
      High school   In high school I hung out with the average people so life at school was pretty easy. None of the elementary and middle school craziness I had been suffering. The guys I usually hung out with really weren’t really into crude talk about women which was a breath of fresh air compared to middle school. The jocks left me alone and I avoided them. Just movies and hanging out at the local pizza place. I barely passed in Latin but did very well in the other classes. We, mostly nerdy girls, would hang out in the biology lab with a freshly graduated lab teacher. She barely looked like she was older than us and probably knew we were cutting another class. I guess administration figured hanging out and talking about college to a teacher was low priority to enforce compared to the kids cutting class to smoke pot, tobacco or drinking alcohol in the restrooms. Gym was ok, but I did earn the nickname of hyper changer since I would change so fast that nobody saw me changing.  I felt wrong though even though I was doing good socially. I definitely knew I was in the wrong body and hated my penis. Needless to say, I was very depressed in high school and had tried to kill myself a couple of times. It is amazing that my liver survived the Tylenol overdose I took before bed one day. My parents knew that I was depressed and had me on antidepressants but they did not know that I had attempted suicide until I told them a couple of years ago. The meds really didn’t help. I still didn’t tell my doctor that I was in the wrong gender. It didn’t help that my father was alcoholic and was verbally abused sometimes. He did get sober and my relationship with him drastically improved.     I also huffed basically anything volatile to escape my life. I had some fierce hangovers from that. Nobody knew that I had been doing that either. Ultimately I quit that freshman year of college after face planting into a toolbox full of sharp tools. Outwardly I seemed happy to everyone.    Like every boy I was expected to ask girls out, but the concept felt unnatural. It felt like that the girls should be asking me out. No surprise that I went to next to no dances, and the only one I ended up dancing was a goth girl, like the polar opposite of my lifestyle. I ended up hanging out with her and her friends pretty regularly. when prom came, we made plans to hang out at the mall, but those plans fell through. I still talked to them on Facebook up until I ended up marrying someone. I was definitely one of the girls with them, but I didn’t realize that. High school would have been a bad to have started transitioning as I would have likely been expelled. Catholic school.    Later post for that. I initially did meet my wife in high school but it amounted to me saying “hi” and running off. I was very shy. I also thought she was with someone else, but now know that guy is gay and they were inseparably close friends. She was only one class with me.   My high school was a catholic school so everyone was expected to attend college. We had three West Point cadets come from my class, but one of them ended up deciding to go to Harvard medical instead (it was an Ivy League medical school, I am not entirely sure it was Harvard). I graduated in 2000 with honors and got accepted to an engineering school in New York City with a partial scholarship. Currently the only people from high school that I am in touch with are my wife and her gay best friend. 
    • Tiffany 838
      Good morning all. A brisk clear morning, however beautiful to sit outside with a hot cup of coffee and enjoy the birds chirping.  Have a great day.   
    • KatieSC
      As I keep reading all of the news articles chronicling the attempts to eradicate our very existence, I do wish that the Biden administration would let us do something to reduce the trail for those who want to out us, denigrate us, humiliate us, and eliminate us. If they would allow us to change our social security number, then erase the record of doing so, it would prevent people like Paxton from zeroing in on us. I read an article this morning that there are 13 Red states that are planning to initiate legislation based on birth gender. This could mean they try to reverse our licenses, and public records. Imagine the damage. Unfortunately, in so many of these states, there is an R super-majority, and reasoning with these (expletive deleted) individuals will not happen. These super-majority politicians ignore every medical professional and their associated professional organization with glee in their eyes. Even if the courts try to intervene, it is like playing bingo. Sooner or later, these proposed laws will go to the super-majority R-led/appointed Supreme Court, and we know where that will lead.   I plan on enjoying my last year or so of having a license and social security records that reflect the brain I was born with (female), rather than my male genitalia at birth. I wish I could get a rosier vision in my head. Even if we get out to vote in the national election in November, these super-majority R-led states will still make our lives hell.
    • Charlize
      These folks sure have an unhealthy fascination and irrational hatred for those both giving and receiving medical help for established medical help.   Unfortunately it is hurting so many who need help.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • KymmieL
      Working on my cars, being in the wind
    • RaeOfSunshine
      Good morning all! I have my BA scheduled in May (yay!) and as the date gets closer, I wanted to get some opinions on what questions I should be asking during my pre-op appointment. I've already had a consult, and I got good vibes and my questions at the time were all answered, but I suppose I'm in that mindset of "you don't know what you don't know." First question I have are what questions should I be asking at the pre-op appointment?   Secondly-what was recovery like? TImeframes for going back to work, pain levels, tips and tricks, all are welcome. Thank you all!
    • Heather Shay
      What is your favorite pastime?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      My social world is now expanding.
    • Heather Shay
      e·la·tion /əˈlāSH(ə)n/ noun   great happiness and exhilaration. "Richard's elation at regaining his health was short-lived"
    • Heather Shay
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...