It’s weird to say that I knew now, but I’m definitely new here, be prepared it’s a long one

[Nicoleeolee]

Writing this introduction gives me such crazy reflection about my last couple of years. My name is Nicole. For real that’s who I am now legally,

 

A few years back, I started at another forum, just simply trying to figure myself out and understand who I was. That led to an entire blog of my ups and downs. All of my fears on display, I was terrified to admit to anyone who I actually was. After a few years, I finally came out in public first to my wife then the rest of my family and friends. Some of the friends that I gained on that forum traveled with me to another forum but I believe it was recently hacked and is no there’s no longer there.. it just shows you the amount of stupid hatred that is out there by the people who are just simply uncomfortable that we exist. That, unfortunately is another story. The good news is those people are still here. And I am so excited to join your forum. Gonna be a part of your family here.
 

I mentioned the friends that I had on that form because they’re still my friends today…..years later. A few of them I’ve actually met in person others. I feel like I’ve met in person as I’ve seen them on zoom meetings for so long…it’s almost like their family. I think that’s what a good transgender family is someone that supports you as you go through all of these crazy changes. I’ll try to give you a quick synopsis of how I got here.

 

My name is Nicole. I am a male to female transgender woman who knew at the age of four that I wanted to be more like mom. I would secretly steal her clothing and dress up in secret, knowing that this was not acceptable behavior. I couldn’t help myself, It’s how I felt. ( and that blows the whole stupidity about this being a sexual thing, let’s face it what’s sexual about a four-year-old?) After years of dressing up inside the bathroom or when people weren’t home, I finally reached puberty and outside of one brief incident where I was semi caught …no one found out. I realized, as middle school was approaching, acting out on who I am, was not going to be an option.  Honestly, I was already a dorky kid with glasses. I didn’t need the bullies to find this out. Truth is, I was bullied quite a bit and took a lot of beatings that I shouldn’t have when I was younger. By the time I started figuring out how I had to act, I tried to bury these feelings as deep as I could. No one was ever going to know how I truly felt. I felt like this was a secret I was going to keep my entire life. I honestly thought something was wrong with me.
 

I became the world’s greatest actor, I was constantly walking in every room and figuring out how I was supposed to act, so I could be “the dude”

I was a fraud. Since I was infatuated with girls, I figured there’s no way I should be feeling this way. ( of course we all know by now that your sexuality has zero to do with your gender.) I spent the next 40 some of years trying to be the man I never was. I got married to the love of my life, had two kids, and went on with life, secretly reading transgender fiction, dreaming of what I wish I could be and genuinely suffering inside every day.

 

It’s funny that you actually believe you can bury the very essence of who you are as a being. Truth is it will never go away. This is who I’ve always been. I tried to bury my feelings with alcohol through college. I became a workaholic during my marriage. Then I got into religion thinking I could find the answers in that book. ( funny how I did find the answers, but most of the Christian community can’t see those still.) Once again my religious beliefs are yet another story. Finally a few years ago, I found a transgender site where I finally decided to be honest with the people on the site. ( almost honest truth is, I went by the name Stephee, it’s basically the female version of my male names so …….I need to put a name on my post, there you go)

I started to find out there’s a lot more people just like me. I figured out there was nothing wrong with me. Most things are what’s wrong with the world around me. After a suicide attempt, I realized if I don’t at least try to figure out what’s going on …I’m not gonna make it. I was over 360 pounds eating myself to death and I just didn’t care. 
 

I then told my wife. I also told my parents in my children along with multiple friends to mixed reactions. Then after a roller coaster of up-and-down emotions and a lot of counseling wirh my wife we figured it out. I started taking hormone blockers, combined with estrogen. ( it was suddenly like I was running on the right fuel for the first time in my life ) My wife also decided she was going to support me because she loved me the person I am inside instead of the outside form I portray.  
 

Unfortunately, less than a week after she told me that ….she died suddenly due to a genetic condition we didn’t know existed. It absolutely crushed me and once again I almost ended my life. It was the very beginning of Covid and her death had nothing to do with it. The world was in chaos, and I was falling apart. I once again planned suicide. That’s what a good friend of mine from the transgender site reached out to me via messenger and asked if I would like to be part of the zoom that night. What I didn’t realize is, it was an intervention to help me. What they didn’t realize at the time it saved my life. It gave me hope that maybe I could actually do this. I decided the next day that Nicole ( my true name, me and my wife decided on before her passing ) needed a chance to live. A couple weeks later I started to dress in public for the first time in my life. After terrifying few hours, stuck in a hotel room too scared to walk outside the door …I did it. 
 

My family, and a good majority of my friends were very supportive. Both of my daughters were there to support me and I never looked back. I finally realized I can’t live any other way and I need to start making plans to transition in public and at work basically risking my job. I became the first person to transition on the job in the history of my company. Somehow I found enough bravery to go through with it and once again with some lukewarm reactions, I’ve never looked back. Funny story is I was successful at my branch before I transitioned. Now that I live as the woman I always should’ve been. I am more successful at my job than I had ever been before. I am now, not only successful at my Branch, but considered one of the best in my entire division. I never saw that coming. I also got to become part of the leader ship committee for the company LGBT. Together I work till the last two years to change our insurance to now cover transgender surgery. Come November 14th, I will finally get that surgery to make myself complete and match the rest of my body. 
 

Of course, my story is much much deeper than all the craziness I just wrote. All of us have those crazy ups and downs. I am thrilled to be here, and I am no longer new with this, but I would love to talk to anyone whoever needs advice. Please know that fear cannot dictate your life. I will end this with a motto that I invented for myself. “ Never fear anything that can’t physically harm you.”  be confident in yourself, and who you are the rest of the world will adjust. If they don’t, you don’t need them.
 

So happy to join you here.

 

Nicole

 

 

 

[Nicoleeolee]

My first post here, and I already screwed up…Lol. It won’t be the first time.. the title should read Be prepared not “e”… that’s a Road folks have an idiot get used to it.

[Jani]

Fixed it for you!

Jani

[Jani]

Welcome to the forum @Nicoleeolee.  I'm glad you found us.  It looks like life is getting better!

Cheers, 

Jani

[Nicoleeolee]

Yes, much better. I found self love for the first time in Iife

[Nicoleeolee]

2 hours ago, Jani said:

Fixed it for you!

Jani

Thank u, My typos are legendary.. Damn fat fingers

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum, Nicole! Your story is inspirational to those of us just beginning our journey of discovery and self-acceptance. I am so glad you found your way to us and look forward to hearing your experiences and advice.

[Nicoleeolee]

Thank u

Happy to share and help anyone sharing my experience. Others helped me. I think we should help each other. Probably start a blog soon to give u more of my ridiculous self deprecating self

[Heather Shay]

So glad you are here. You are in a group of amazing people and I'm happy you found us. You have been through a lot and many here can relate (i sure can). You are among friends and fellow journeyers in this voyage. Ask any questions you might have and know you'll receive honest, unconditionally loving answers.

Hugs.

[AllieJ]

Nicole, it has been my privilege to have been along for your journey, and get to know one of the most inspirational people I have ever met! We have suffered and triumphed together, and both found a life beyond our expectations, but the journey is still not done! I look forward to the adventures ahead, and know that we will face adversity side by side, because that's what family does!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Charlize]

   Welcome Nicole.

    Don't worry about typos...... i could never spell and i often am horrified by my typos.  Sometimes my posts may need a translator.  

    When i found this site it was under another name and was some the what unique.  There was one other non date orientated site but i understand recent attacks brought it down.  We get attacked at times and may even disappear but fortunately have always had the technical expertise to repair and heal the space.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[atlantis63]

hi,

 

a little shy about creating my own topic, but wanted to welcome you to the site. I just joined today myself

[April Marie]

59 minutes ago, atlantis63 said:

hi,

 

a little shy about creating my own topic, but wanted to welcome you to the site. I just joined today myself

Welcome, Atlantis!!! There's no need to be shy about introducing yourself in a new post. Even if you just want to say Hi! We're all very welcoming here - and glad that you found us. Feel free to share as much or as little as you are comfortable doing.

[Nicoleeolee]

7 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

So glad you are here. You are in a group of amazing people and I'm happy you found us. You have been through a lot and many here can relate (i sure can). You are among friends and fellow journeyers in this voyage. Ask any questions you might have and know you'll receive honest, unconditionally loving answers.

Hugs.

Thank u. Seems like a great community. Love honest answers. Great to meet you.

4 hours ago, AllieJ said:

Nicole, it has been my privilege to have been along for your journey, and get to know one of the most inspirational people I have ever met! We have suffered and triumphed together, and both found a life beyond our expectations, but the journey is still not done! I look forward to the adventures ahead, and know that we will face adversity side by side, because that's what family does!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

Hey…❤️..My long lost friend (I see on zoom once a week…and really feels more like a fantastic older Sister..,Lol) Yes we have been through a lot in our journeys. Thank u for your thoughts, amazing comments and your friendship. Forum number 3 now. This place is pretty great so far.

3 hours ago, Charlize said:

   Welcome Nicole.

    Don't worry about typos...... i could never spell and i often am horrified by my typos.  Sometimes my posts may need a translator.  

    When i found this site it was under another name and was some the what unique.  There was one other non date orientated site but i understand recent attacks brought it down.  We get attacked at times and may even disappear but fortunately have always had the technical expertise to repair and heal the space.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Yes it’s very sad we have to even be attacked. Like I’m a threat to anyone…Yes my typos are mostly due to fat fingers and laziness of wanting to reply with voice to text. Oh well. It makes my posts an adventure sometimes. Lol..Awesome to meet u!

2 hours ago, atlantis63 said:

hi,

 

a little shy about creating my own topic, but wanted to welcome you to the site. I just joined today myself

Thank you for the welcome.. no need to be shy with me. I’m an open book and happy to be a friend.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @Nicoleeolee!  I am glad you found us!  It is good to see you here!

[Nicoleeolee]

6 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Hi, @Nicoleeolee!  I am glad you found us!  It is good to see you here!

I’m glad to be here too. It’s great to see you, Kathy! Hopefully all is well in the great North.

[Nicoleeolee]

On 9/10/2023 at 11:42 AM, KathyLauren said:s

[Nicoleeolee]

So I’ve decided to break things down for my intro and make my own blog

I feel I need to write the thoughts in my mind out, but also because reading so many blogs from the wonderful people who helped me so much to move forward.
 

Either way I now have a blog. 
 

I hope everyone is well today

[Rishaya]

You look great, Nicolle.  I’m envious that your family accepts you so well.

 

I ACHE to fully transition.. The roadblock is my wife of 35 years.   She tells me she’ll leave if I do so.   I don’t get it.   She accepts my bodily changes, (I can pass OK at the beach wi B cup boobs?   

[Rishaya]

 Nicolle, my finger twitched and hit the wrong key, ooops.

 

I go out into the world as myself a lot, 1-2 times a week,   And pass well.  I’ve had guys show interest!   And do what I want, I belong to a number of meetup groups.   Went ballroom dancing for a while.

 

So I don’t get it.  Why is she so against me fully transitioning?

[Rishaya]

Nicolle, how do I access your blog?