Orientation

[Floribeth45]

I’m someone who likes to dress as a Woman, sometimes before even going away for a couple of days or more at a time. This felt a bit lonely and isolated the more I did it so looked online for Friends.
 

I began chatting to someone online and we became Friends. Tom was very understanding and encouraged me to embrace Myself fir who I am. After months of exchanging messages we chatted online in a “live” conversation on day and I was shocked that I was drawn to the conversation sexually, even though there was no sexual content. 
 

Since then I’ve opened up much more. I view pictures I’ve seen of him very differently, he’s even sent me a discreet almost full frontal as well as a not so discreet image of what was covered. Both I’m very attracted to, and I no longer feel attracted to women. I wouldn’t say I’m attracted to men either though. I’ve decided to go on a date with Tom. 

i do wonder if it’s the person I’m attracted to and the sexual side is just a consequence of that. I think so much about being intimate with him I’m sure the chemistry will be there so I embrace it.

 

I’d like to ask has anyone else had anything like this happen to them?

[Mirrabooka]

My answer is no, but I just want you say to you, be careful. 

[Ivy]

44 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

I just want you say to you, be careful. 

This.   Not "no," but be careful.

 

And welcome to the forums.

[AllieJ]

Floribeth, I maintain that sexual orientation is fluid, and suits the situation we find ourselves in. So it follows that when we step away from the gender stereotypes, we may also experiment with orientation. While looking for where we sit with our gender, we do consider other things, but there is a caution. 

 

I have spoken to trans women who felt sexually attracted to men, and when they acted upon this, they found they were actually repulsed by the act of sex with them. This put them in a terrible and potentially dangerous situation as they wanted to stop the engagement after the man was fully committed to it. They were quite distraught after the event and needed counselling (not by me). There is an element of affirmation to be gained by being sexually active with the 'opposite' sex, whether that be part of experimenting to find yourself, or to affirm the gender you have identified with. I went through a phase of feeling I would like that affirmation, but realised it may actually backfire on me. 

 

I am open to a relationship with anyone I find myself compatible with, someone who can be a companion, best friend, and maybe even lover, but I would be very cautious about why I would be sexually active with someone. I would also ensure I had a good friend to hug if it all went wrong.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Betty K]

3 hours ago, Floribeth45 said:

 

I’d like to ask has anyone else had anything like this happen to them?

100%. In my former life as a “man” I was exclusively attracted to women and in my current life as a transfemme I am exclusively attracted to men. I now realise that attraction may always have been present at a deep level but that I couldn’t accept or process it because I never could have had sex with a man if he saw me as another man. Having said that, I agree with AllieJ, sexual orientation is fluid. What matters is who I am attracted to now, and for now that is men.

 

I have acted on this attraction, a number of times, and have always found it enjoyable, sometimes very much so. However, following a period of fairly facile experimentation I am now hoping to meet someone I can have a more meaningful relationship with. I can tell you are approaching your own experience in a different spirit from me and prioritising friendship, which I think is wise. I don’t regret the course I took — it taught me a lot — but I have finished with that phase for now.

 

Safety tip: I only ever meet in public on a first date — ie, preferably at a cafe, though I have met at bars and restaurants. In your case, since it seems you know Tom fairly well, a restaurant may be appropriate. But beware that a bar or restaurant suggests you are keen on sexual intimacy whereas a cafe suggests you are just considering the option. 

Enjoy your date! If you’re keen on more intimate advice feel free to PM me. I love boy talk and love hearing from other transfemmes who are negotiating this often confusing new landscape. All the best.

 

 

[Betty K]

Oh and btw please excuse me bracketing you with “other transfemmes”, since I now see you that are questioning. But also know that transfeminine is a broad umbrella that includes any AMAB person whose gender is more feminine than their gender-assigned-at-birth implies.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

In my girl form, I was mostly a lesbian.  At least, until I met my husband.  I guess you could say I'm more bisexual now, but perhaps it is more an individual attraction thing.  My experience is pretty limited. 

 

I can say that in my girl form, I really felt a need to have a relationship with somebody whose body was similar to mine.  Like they'd understand me better.  I had a bit of trouble relating to my husband in that way at first.  However, since discovering that I'm actually intersex, my connection with my husband has become much closer.  In my boy form, he's the one who understands how I work. 

 

Since I'm kind of androgynous and inbetween, perhaps it is a good thing that I'm not in a monogamous relationship.  No single person could probably get every aspect of me.  It gives me a bit of room to grow and change, while still having the security of faithful partnership. 

[gemmalouise]

I remember in junior school I really found the girls attractive and played with them as much as the boys.  In secondary school I really wanted to approach and hang out with the girls but none of the boys did that.  I really wanted to kiss a couple of the girls at my school but just couldn't approach them, with the boys I hung out with there were definitely a small number I also wanted to kiss also.  So for me it was BI from birth.  in my 30s I did occasionally frequent gay bars and kissed men and did take it further occasionally.  Once i transitioned I found my (now) husband and as he identifies straight I have to keep a lid on being attracted to other people.  I am and he knows it but he also knows I'd never be unfaithful.  I haven't had any sexual contact with a woman since my previous partner who I was with for about 6 months just before I started dating hubby. 

 

I am not sure whether this is entirely related to Floribeths post but I felt the need to express this as to me its an example of don't be too inhibited.  I never regretted anything I have done although there have been a couple of moments I'd like to take back.  But I do regret being in the closet until I was almost 30.  It feels like wasted time. 

 

One more thing.  Fear is the mind killer.  Safety as a goal is wise but can also be its own form of harm, if it stops us from living.

[Floribeth45]

Wow that’s a lot of really good advice, Thank you all so much. I was just startled by such a sudden change in Myself. I’m sure it’s happened because we’ve grown so close emotionally over time so I’m not worried. I know who he is and where he lives and works, but the safety advice was something I needed, since we are both keeping it all hidden so no one else knows. I’ll look into ways of keeping Myself safe, Thanks again to all of you  Xx

[Betty K]

1 hour ago, Floribeth45 said:

we are both keeping it all hidden so no one else knows

If you don’t want to be seen in public together then another option is to rent an AirBnB or hotel room for the night so that you are meeting on your turf. It’s not ideal but it’s better than turning up at a stranger’s place.