Those "Ugly" Days

[Jet McCartney]

I take a lot of photos of myself. Probably too many to be honest. When I take these photos I'm usually trying to feel good about myself and see how others view me. On rare occasions I actually like these photos. But more often than not, I can't even bear to look at them. 

 

Oh my god. I feel so ugly. 

 

I've learned how to take flattering and artistic photos, but they don't ever show me in a natural and everyday setting. I refuse to be in other people's pictures. If I happen to show up in one, I refuse to look at it because I hate how I look so much.

 

I don't know if I can describe this feeling accurately. I feel sick to my stomach when I see myself. Most (if not all) of these feelings stem from my deep-rooted dysphoria. Yet, on the days that my dysphoria is less, I still can't bear to see me, because I feel just generally hideous.

 

Yes, I've had some (very) bad phases in terms of looks. I've looked "ugly" in the general sense of the term. But now that I'm actually putting effort into my looks, that feeling has not gone away. I used to have a really bad eating disorder, and I managed to work through that. I used to dress in joggers and jumpers, and now I wear button-ups and ties. (Clothes that make me feel better.) I work out and eat as well as I can. I try to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I feel that no matter how much progress I make on the outside, nothing has helped that sickening feeling on the inside. I always feel inadequate. I'll never look how I want. 

 

I want to pass more than anything. But I want to look good while doing it. I've made so much progress in my confidence over the years. But progress for me, is just average for other people. I very often won't even go shopping with my roommate because I recoil from the thought that someone might perceive me. 

 

I think why it hurts extra badly is because I'm putting effort in. (I've never had a problem looking "unattractive" on purpose. Because in that case it's a choice. I know how I styled myself.) But when I've not done something on purpose, I want to cry. 

 

https://townsquare.media/site/295/files/2012/07/Paul-McCartney-Mullet.jpg?w=980&q=75

Here is an example of what might be considered generally "unattractive."

 

https://media.npr.org/assets/img/2021/11/03/gettyimages-85234418-dbe17fb0fdd7310b4427bb7199a054654c306865.jpg

And here is the same man.

 

People have good and bad looks. People are into different things. 

I love trying new things. I purposely grew my hair out like Paul in the first photo, because I wanted to go through a mullet phase. Specifically, a bad mullet phase. I find it really fun to play around with my image. But I did that on purpose. 

 

I usually try to look good. I put so much effort in. I can't even explain how many times I've cried myself to sleep over this. Am I vain? Am I trying to reach an unattainable goal? I know I'll never be a cis man. (No matter how much I want to be.) I know I'll never look like Paul McCartney and I'll always have things about me that single me out. But no matter how hard I try, I can't accept that. I'm searching for something I'll never reach, and it breaks my heart daily.

 

I think the reality is that I look average. But my brain won't let me see that. All it focuses on is my perceived flaws. Even if I know literally that I may not be a hideous mold spore, that's all I see.  

[Jet McCartney]

2 minutes ago, Jet McCartney said:

I take a lot of photos of myself. Probably too many to be honest. When I take these photos I'm usually trying to feel good about myself and see how others view me. On rare occasions I actually like these photos. But more often than not, I can't even bear to look at them. 

 

Oh my god. I feel so ugly. 

 

I've learned how to take flattering and artistic photos, but they don't ever show me in a natural and everyday setting. I refuse to be in other people's pictures. If I happen to show up in one, I refuse to look at it because I hate how I look so much.

 

I don't know if I can describe this feeling accurately. I feel sick to my stomach when I see myself. Most (if not all) of these feelings stem from my deep-rooted dysphoria. Yet, on the days that my dysphoria is less, I still can't bear to see me, because I feel just generally hideous.

 

Yes, I've had some (very) bad phases in terms of looks. I've looked "ugly" in the general sense of the term. But now that I'm actually putting effort into my looks, that feeling has not gone away. I used to have a really bad eating disorder, and I managed to work through that. I used to dress in joggers and jumpers, and now I wear button-ups and ties. (Clothes that make me feel better.) I work out and eat as well as I can. I try to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I feel that no matter how much progress I make on the outside, nothing has helped that sickening feeling on the inside. I always feel inadequate. I'll never look how I want. 

 

I want to pass more than anything. But I want to look good while doing it. I've made so much progress in my confidence over the years. But progress for me, is just average for other people. I very often won't even go shopping with my roommate because I recoil from the thought that someone might perceive me. 

 

I think why it hurts extra badly is because I'm putting effort in. (I've never had a problem looking "unattractive" on purpose. Because in that case it's a choice. I know how I styled myself.) But when I've not done something on purpose, I want to cry. 

 

https://townsquare.media/site/295/files/2012/07/Paul-McCartney-Mullet.jpg?w=980&q=75

Here is an example of what might be considered generally "unattractive."

 

https://media.npr.org/assets/img/2021/11/03/gettyimages-85234418-dbe17fb0fdd7310b4427bb7199a054654c306865.jpg

And here is the same man.

 

People have good and bad looks. People are into different things. 

I love trying new things. I purposely grew my hair out like Paul in the first photo, because I wanted to go through a mullet phase. Specifically, a bad mullet phase. I find it really fun to play around with my image. But I did that on purpose. 

 

I usually try to look good. I put so much effort in. I can't even explain how many times I've cried myself to sleep over this. Am I vain? Am I trying to reach an unattainable goal? I know I'll never be a cis man. (No matter how much I want to be.) I know I'll never look like Paul McCartney and I'll always have things about me that single me out. But no matter how hard I try, I can't accept that. I'm searching for something I'll never reach, and it breaks my heart daily.

 

I think the reality is that I look average. But my brain won't let me see that. All it focuses on is my perceived flaws. Even if I know literally that I may not be a hideous mold spore, that's all I see.  

I'm Sorry, I didn't know that my images hadn't uploaded. Here they are.

[Vidanjali]

@Jet McCartney, how much of this stems from not being able to see yourself as your goal ideal of masculine, and how much stems from your perception of your appearance in general (not necessarily in terms of masculinity)? It may be helpful to distinguish the dysphoric from the dysmorphic, if you can make any such distinction, because they can be addressed slightly differently - and at least when one is able to discern such distinctions, one might feel less overwhelmed by the feelings. In cases of such distress, even the thinnest margain of relief is a big deal. It's a place to start.

 

I can relate, although my experience is different as I ID as nonbinary. I used to have severe dissociative episodes during which I could not perceive myself as anything other than a hideous, shapeless, repellent thing. I'd stare at myself in the mirror endlessly trying to make any sense of what I saw & I was terribly agoraphobic. I'm sharing that just to let you know I understand how distressing it can be. There wasn't any one particular thing that made a difference in my life, but a  continuum of effort at wellness in general over the long term.

 

Self-acceptance work is key. Whatever that means for you - there are many approaches. And I know you are a devotee of the Divine. Do you have a meditative practice? How much do you know about the practice of vichar which is deep inquiry into "who am I?" I've personally found greater self acceptance practicing gaining insight into nonidentification with the materiality of this individuality. I find it translates seamlessly into the practical reality - the more I practice integrating my faith in the belief that this body-mind complex is a flute in Krishna's lotus hands, I've found myself much less prone to get upset about the appearance of that instrument. It's not that it looks remarkably different when I look in the mirror, it's just that I find an increasingly playful attitude towards the appearance. It may strike me that I look weird. But, I remind myself that the appearance is neither me nor mine, but functions as part of the Divine sporting (rasa lila) of Krishna. I hope none of this discourages you - it's not a revelation one can expect instantly - and I certainly continue to struggle with appearance, myself - it's a progressive healing. On the other hand, I hope to encourage you that it can and will get better gradually.

 

Also, practically speaking, you are a young man and still forming. Again, I don't mean to sound dismissive in any way. Just noting that many men do not come into their full "looks" until a more mature age. It's a natural process. 

[Jet McCartney]

(I'm sorry it's taken me a bit to respond, I've been busy with work.)

I'd say that 70% of it is dysphoria related, and the remaining 30% is just how I feel about my general appearance. It is really hard for me to distinguish the two, because for a long time I thought one was the other. 

.

I've also spent hours in front of a mirror. There sometimes came a point where I saw myself so much that I couldn't even recognise myself as human. I'm not happy you understand the feeling, but I'm grateful too. 

 

I've found meditation to be incredibly helpful. Especially in the grand scheme of things. In the end, it doesn't really matter what I look like, after all that's material, and it will all wear away.   

 

[Vidanjali]

21 minutes ago, Jet McCartney said:

I've also spent hours in front of a mirror. There sometimes came a point where I saw myself so much that I couldn't even recognise myself as human. I'm not happy you understand the feeling, but I'm grateful too. 

 

That's the upshot of having been through hell. You can share empathy to comfort others. It's not a cure, but it is a balm to know others get it. 

 

21 minutes ago, Jet McCartney said:

I've found meditation to be incredibly helpful. Especially in the grand scheme of things. In the end, it doesn't really matter what I look like, after all that's material, and it will all wear away.   

 

YES. I was thinking more about this. What is appearance? The organs of sight, the eyes, detect incomplete and limited data and feed it through the nervous system to the mind. In fact, the images transmitted from the eyes to the brain are upside down! The brain uses context and memory to organize the visual data into a picture. It removes static, fills in blanks, and labels the images as forms with names. The data collected by the eyes is based on reflected light and space (depth perception), both of which are illusory. The eye itself is limited. Consider the eyes of many other animals and insects - they see a world completely different from the one we see; they can see colors we cannot, and vice versa; some sea creatures have only polarized vision; nocturnal animals rely on extra perceptions to "see". Can one assessment of appearance be right and all the others wrong? No, they are all therefore illusory.

 

There is the emotional content of appearance which comes from ego - likes and dislikes. To the extent Self identifies as an individual body, ego arises. In Bhagavad Gita 2:22 Sri Krishna likens the body to a garment that once worn out is cast off for a new one.

 

There is a type of active meditation that can ease the pain of attachment to the material body. Everything you see, say to yourself "Ram is in this". Ram is in this sidewalk. Ram is in this tree. Ram is in this fork. Ram is in this food. Ram is feeding on Ram! You also identity your appearance with Ram. It is a wonder, Ram appearing through Maya as multiplicity. Eventually, it becomes rather amusing that through Maya, existence seems to be limited only to your particular point of view. That's when you surrender - this body-mind-ego complex is your chariot, oh Lord; You are the driver. Your appearance is perfect in the sense that it is one of infinitely many ways in which Ram appears through Maya. 

[Vidanjali]

53 minutes ago, Jet McCartney said:

I've also spent hours in front of a mirror. There sometimes came a point where I saw myself so much that I couldn't even recognise myself as human. I'm not happy you understand the feeling, but I'm grateful too. 

 

That's the upshot of having been through hell. You can share empathy to comfort others. It's not a cure, but it is a balm to know others get it. 

 

53 minutes ago, Jet McCartney said:

I've found meditation to be incredibly helpful. Especially in the grand scheme of things. In the end, it doesn't really matter what I look like, after all that's material, and it will all wear away.   

 

YES. I was thinking more about this. What is appearance? The organs of sight, the eyes, detect incomplete and limited data and feed it through the nervous system to the mind. In fact, the images transmitted from the eyes to the brain are upside down! The brain uses context and memory to organize the visual data into a picture. It removes static, fills in blanks, and labels the images as forms with names. The data collected by the eyes is based on reflected light and space (depth perception), both of which are illusory. The eye itself is limited. Consider the eyes of many other animals and insects - they see a world completely different from the one we see; they can see colors we cannot, and vice versa; some sea creatures have only polarized vision; nocturnal animals rely on extra perceptions to "see". Can one assessment of appearance be right and all the others wrong? No, they are all therefore illusory.

 

There is the emotional content of appearance which comes from ego - likes and dislikes. To the extent Self identifies as an individual body, ego arises. In Bhagavad Gita 2:22 Sri Krishna likens the body to a garment that once worn out is cast off for a new one.

 

There is a type of active meditation that can ease the pain of attachment to the material body. Everything you see, say to yourself "Ram is in this". Ram is in this sidewalk. Ram is in this tree. Ram is in this fork. Ram is in this food. Ram is feeding on Ram! You also identity your appearance with Ram. It is a wonder, Ram appearing through Maya as multiplicity. Eventually, it becomes rather amusing that through Maya, existence seems to be limited only to your particular point of view. That's when you surrender - this body-mind-ego complex is your chariot, oh Lord; You are the driver. Your appearance is perfect in the sense that it is one of infinitely many ways in which Ram appears through Maya. 

[Vidanjali]

Whoa, I don't know why the above post posted twice. Would an admin kindly delete one of the two and then this request? Thanks! 

[gemmalouise]

Hey Jet, I don't really know what to say about this.  I saw your pic in the 'what i wore today' thread and you look like a regular guy, definitely not ugly in any way.  But then self image isn't entirely aligned with how light reflects off us, there is always a mind filter getting in the way.  I recognise a lot for what you are saying in myself lately, I have hear folk kindly saying I look OK on this forum, I guess i do, but I never quite believe it.  I see pics from ten years ago and then now and yeah not so great. So for me then its all about feeling old really. I suspect you'll look better as you age and start to feel much better about it as well, so hang in there.  I hope you find a look and a style you can live with and have a happy life. 

[Maddee]

I’m laughing goodheartedly that you intentionally put yourself through a bad mullet phase.  That’s great. 
 

Jet, may your brain permit you to see yourself as average.  At least.  
No mold.  

But I’m hoping your efforts guide your meditation towards maybe a little better than average,  as this is not totally unrealistic