If You're Out, How Did People React?

[Alin RP]

I want to see it all. Positive stories, neutral, and sad ones. I've had very different responses from different members of my social circle. I want to know, what it's like for others.
 

For me, my parents were/are not accepting. Deadnaming and misgendering are an ongoing issue. When I came out as enby my mother screamed "I didn't raise and 'it'!" And it/its pronouns are totally valid, they're just not mine, and she intended them as an insult. My father essentially doesn't want to hear about it, out of sight out of mind. I did explain things to him, once, but he forgot by the next time we talked.

 

Meanwhile, my friends/found family who I've known since elementary school were able to adapt rapidly. Even those who struggle with names switched to my new name with ease. I can completely be myself with them. One friend is actually more conservative, and actively says she doesn't understand; however that was followed up with "I don't have to understand to love you". And that will always stick with me in a positive way.

 

My best friend and wife was the first person to know, and she has always been supportive. She's actually had an easier time accepting that I'm trans masc than I have. She hasn't pushed me in any direction mind you. She just has listened whole heartedly, and when I was nervous about identifying as more masculine she just reminded me of previous conversations we'd had about how that's how I felt. We regularly joke about how I haven't had top surgery yet, so it's weird that I still have breasts, which she and I both know don't belong on me.

 

So, what are your stories, and are any of mine relatable or helpful in any way?

[awkward-yet-sweet]

My coming out was gradual.  I started out lesbian before I figured out who I really am.  My parents figured that out when I started my relationship with my GF.... it got pretty ugly, and we don't talk to each other.  I'm basically dead to them.  I don't talk with my older brothers either, as they'd just make fun of me.  So none of them know about the intersex/trans issue.

 

My sister knows everything and has always accepted me.  So when I came out about the fact that I'm not really a girl, I knew there would be no problems for her.  With my husband, things went better than expected, and I think we're actually closer now than before.  My GF still has some reservations, as with the exception of my husband, she prefers women.  "Boys are icky," she says.  So having another one isn't her #1 source of joy, but she still loves me. 

[AllieJ]

I am older, and I had done many years of research before I came out, so I was able to make sure everyone I came out to knew I had a medical condition, and was not doing this because I wanted to. Prior to coming out, I lived my life as honestly as I could. People all knew me to be sensitive, and content with a more typically female role. So my coming out was one of universal acceptance from the 100 plus people I spoke to. I know if my parents were still alive, they would have struggled. Some of my older relatives struggle to understand, but they know I needed to transition for my health, and they support me.

 

I have seen so many come out by saying they want to be happy, and so often this leads to rejection. This leaves people thinking you want some perverted pleasure, and have chosen it over their feelings, so naturally they will reject you. Transition is certainly not a 'want', but a serious need with often life threatening consequences. If people understand this, they will mostly support it, even if they are still a little uncomfortable.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[gemmalouise]

I actually came out twice (four times?).  First in my last year of Uni I told my parents and housemates and presented female for a short while in the shared house.  My parents took it well and were half "Oh no that's awful" and half "We'll always support you".  My housemates were really cool about it and actually helped out a lot. It didn't stick though, I couldn't reconcile the "testosterone damage" characteristics had no idea about treatments and didn't want to be stuck between worlds as I saw it.  Back in the closet. 

 

The second coming out was as gay/bi to my parents many years later.  I needed them to know this.  My dad shrugged, my mum was OK with this and was probably expecting it.  I kind of forced my mum to watch 'Queer as folk' which was a terrible thing to do.  "Sorry mum".

 

Then I spent many years in a glass closet, saving up for treatments and finally when I had enough money to pay for everything aged about 37 maybe (way too long).  I told my family this time, I am transitioning and nothing could stop me this time.  The reaction this time was "Fine, we've been waiting" from my parents, rolled eyes from my brother, hugs from all my aunts, uncles and cousins.  Work was all serious and we'll follow all the rules to make you comfortable.  Friends were "What kept you, about time".

 

One more bonus coming out... I recently told my entire team at current work about my trans history having been stealth there for 10 years.  Again they were all very celebratory and thankful I trusted them to tell them.

 

I am lucky I know but I never had a single bad reaction or anyone telling me what to do.

[Betty K]

Both my parents are dead, so I didn’t have that issue to contend with. I also don’t live in the town or state where I was born and have moved so many times that when I finally came out there were few old friends or acquaintances around to react to it. That said, both my ex-wife and my sister were hugely supportive, as were the general public in the city where I currently live. As a result, I have made more — and more meaningful — friendships in the past year since going full time than I had made in the decade (or even two decades) preceding. I could never have imagined the experience would be so positive. Oh, and my cis-male best friend of almost 30 years was hugely supportive too.

 

As I gradually came out to old friends further afield I found support on all sides, aside from a cousin I had already suspected was transphobic and an old friend whom I hadn’t seen in years and who I knew had been “red-pulled” by the men’s rights activist movement. Aside from those two negative responses, the entire experience has been amazing. 

[Carolyn Marie]

My parents were long deceased, my siblings and relatives were supportive, and my two closest friends were "reasonably" supportive.  I'm no longer sure about one of them.  My co-workers were mostly supportive as well as curious.

 

One of the most conservative colleagues in my section, who I thought would be appalled, had but one question for me at my big reveal: "Can I still talk to you about sports?"  😁  I said "Of course.  My body might change, but not my mind."

 

Carolyn Marie

[Ashley0616]

It wasn't pretty at all. My Dad was initially trying to take my kids away. My Mom wanted pushed the Bible on me and say that I was living in sin and I told we all are. She didn't have anything to say. She had the pastor at the church try to with her too and he couldn't find anything other then given into flesh matters. I had two of three sisters support me. Third one needed time. I got two aunts out of 14 aunts and uncles support. I lost all but one cousin. I have a few nephews that have supported me. One niece I know supports me and the other hasn't really came out and told me. I have pretty much been on my own with no support because family isn't close at all. I have no contact with my classmates. I lost my third wife because of it. I would still do it all over again knowing what was going to happen too. The older I get the less I care about other people's opinion even if they are family. 

[emeraldmountain]

This time around, I was met with kindness and acceptance, even by people who I feared would be unkind. Compared to when I tried to do this decades ago, it's a very welcome night and day difference!

[KathyLauren]

My experience has been quite happy.  When I was preparing to come out to my wife, I was a nervous wreck.  But one of the first things she said to me after I told her was, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you."  My relief was amazing!

 

For a while, I was only out to her and to the peer support group in the city.  At first, I would bring a change of clothes and change into femme clothing in the gender-neutral washroom.  Eventually, I graduated to driving into the city already dressed.  Nothing bad happened.  The support group meetings were held in a public library, so there was some exposure to the public, but no one minded.

 

Coming out in my home village went much better than I expected.  I got up at the weekly kaffeeklatsch and announced that I was transgender and that, starting the following week, I would be Kathy and I would be presenting as female.  I think everyone was surprised, but they were supportive or accepting.  The same happened in other organizations that I was part of: the volunteer fire department, the concert band, the dance group, the astronomy society.

 

In every case, I was welcomed as Kathy.  Often, I was more weirded out than other people were.  For example, in the band rehearsals, when we took a break halfway through, I found it odd to be going to the ladies' room with the female members, while they seemed to think that it was totally normal.

 

When my wife and I go out somewhere, like a restaurant, we are welcomed as "Hello, ladies."  I think I 'pass' moderately well, so I am sure that the greeting is mostly genuine.  Even in cases where I think I have been 'clocked', most people in this area are decent folks.  They take no joy in cruelty, so I am treated as the woman that I am.

 

About the only place I am misgendered is on the telephone.  I mostly ignore it unless it goes on repeatedly.  I have had some support people on the phone who are excessively polite, addressing me as 'sir' in every sentence.  In those cases, I do correct them. 

 

I worry a lot about the downhill spiral of far-right thinking.  It is only a matter of time before it starts to be felt here.  Things may change when that happens.  But for now, my experience of coming out and being out has been wonderful, as good as I had hoped, and much better than I feared.

[emeraldmountain]

I'm very happy to hear it's gone so well for you!

12 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

But for now, my experience of coming out and being out has been wonderful, as good as I had hoped, and much better than I feared.

My experience has been the same, granted I am early in the process. I let fear rule me for decades, only to be shown by others that the fear was overblown.

 

I also greatly fear the rise in bigotry, especially State-sponsored bigotry, toward our community.