Skills and Methods for Dealing with Physical Dysphoria?

[emeraldmountain]

Hi,

 

I see a similar question has been asked at least once, but I would like to ask perhaps a different question. Sorry if this has been asked before.

 

I've been on HRT for under 6 months and I like the physical and mental effects. I have tried socially transitioning a tiny bit with my expression, am out to people, etc. Yet sometimes I get real down on the physical aspects I can not change, like broad shoulders, big rib cage, big hands, no hips, etc. Sometimes I feel panicked and/or disgust when I look in the mirror, touch my Adam's apple, notice unwanted physical features, etc.

 

Could someone please help me figure out healthy ways of getting on with my life and not letting physical dysphoria get to me so much?

 

I know about body neutrality (not helpful to me), trying to appreciate my physical aspects I like (sort of helpful), acknowledging that women come in all shapes and sizes (not helpful to me), etc., but I really need something that works.

 

Thank you so much.

[Ashley0616]

40 minutes ago, emeraldmountain said:

Hi,

 

I see a similar question has been asked at least once, but I would like to ask perhaps a different question. Sorry if this has been asked before.

 

I've been on HRT for under 6 months and I like the physical and mental effects. I have tried socially transitioning a tiny bit with my expression, am out to people, etc. Yet sometimes I get real down on the physical aspects I can not change, like broad shoulders, big rib cage, big hands, no hips, etc. Sometimes I feel panicked and/or disgust when I look in the mirror, touch my Adam's apple, notice unwanted physical features, etc.

 

Could someone please help me figure out healthy ways of getting on with my life and not letting physical dysphoria get to me so much?

 

I know about body neutrality (not helpful to me), trying to appreciate my physical aspects I like (sort of helpful), acknowledging that women come in all shapes and sizes (not helpful to me), etc., but I really need something that works.

 

Thank you so much.

Not all women feature your ideal of a female. I have seen 6' 2" with big hands. I have seen some with no hips or butt. Unfortunately I understand about broad shoulders and big rib cage unfortunately nothing can be done about those and also my big feet size 13 female. Somethings are just not able to change no matter what you do. Adam's Apple can be removed by surgery. Vocals can be taught and it's not that bad. It's going to take time to get used to your new you. Nothing is instant. It took me about a month to feel comfortable. I dressed at home and practiced walking in heels. I was building my wardrobe and still am. 

[VickySGV]

First, take a look at this topic below -- yes it is old, and yes I created it way back when. When you have read it, simply get out and get with people and let your HRT do its work without your trying to tell it what to do.  Get out, find something to do that helps other people and lets them see your character and your looks will not matter one bit to someone who appreciates how you have helped their lives.  Twenty five of my young Trans / Enby friends who look all kinds of ways were on stage at a nationally renowned entertainment venue Wednesday and Thursday nights, and it was the music they were helping along that mattered not what they looked like, and the audience left happier than before.  Be YOU in the bright lights and it will be YOU the whole thing, and not just the meat on your bones.

 

https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/index.php?/topic/43991-public-vs-picture/page/2/#comment-833488

[Sally Stone]

It is human nature to look at ourselves and not be happy with what we see.  Early in my journey I used to look at myself in the mirror and wonder how in the world I could ever measure up.  However, I was comparing myself to the social measure of feminine beauty, an entirely fabricated construct.  Some say beauty is only skin deep, but I think they are getting it wrong.  Beauty is actually what lies under the skin and when I learned to embrace that concept, I began to love the woman I am, all my physical flaws included.  

[emeraldmountain]

Thank you for your helpful thoughts, Ashley, Vicky, and Sally.

[emeraldmountain]

@Ashley0616@VickySGV@Sally Stone

 

Thanks again everyone for your thoughtful comments.

 

Someone recently recommended to me just being present with and acknowledging the discomfort/panic with my body, but I feel like that's not enough.

 

Has anyone had any success specifically dealing primarily with the panic, disgust, stomach sinking/actual pain (and secondarily sadness and remorse) regarding their unwanted male features? Not really the the social aspect of the physical dysphoria, but the visceral and psychological pain of getting the wrong signals from a male body to the brain. How did you manage it?

 

Thank you so much.

[April Marie]

This is such a difficult thig for us, isn't it. We all long for the physical attributes of a CIS female but have a body ravaged by (many) years of male hormones. I'm just a few years short of 70 and only finally acknowledged my dysphoria and body dysmorphia just a bit over 10 months ago. Since then, I've been working with a gender therapist to quell the internal storm that rages over my looks and what might have been.

 

I don't know that there are any "silver bullets" to solve the issues. I think it just begins when we understand that perfection doesn't exist and begin to love who we are despite the things about our looks that we'd change. Of course, at my age, I know that it's far too late to make any major changes - I haven't even started HRT, yet - but I started out trying to add padding to my butt and my hips...and felt like I was suiting up in armor. It all felt so unnatural. So, I put that stuff in a box and stuck it in the closet. Appropriate. In the closet. 🙂

 

What's helped me has been working with my therapist looking for things that I like about myself, knowing that I'm far from perfection. I look for clothes and jewelry that accentuate my "good" points...if they even exist...and try to focus on those. It's really about self-love, I think, and if you can learn to love yourself...not how you look but who you are...then the rest doesn't matter so much.

 

I actually just posted a few pictures that are on point here. I know I'm not beautiful but I can generally look in the mirror and generally feel happy about the person on the other side. And, it will only get better as I progress through this. Sometimes, though, I just hit the right combination of make-up and clothes that I can see the woman I dream of being...albeit an older version...and smile....and love who I am.

 

Probably no big help for you here but I just thought I'd chime in.

[Ashley0616]

34 minutes ago, emeraldmountain said:

@Ashley0616@VickySGV@Sally Stone

 

Thanks again everyone for your thoughtful comments.

 

Someone recently recommended to me just being present with and acknowledging the discomfort/panic with my body, but I feel like that's not enough.

 

Has anyone had any success specifically dealing primarily with the panic, disgust, stomach sinking/actual pain (and secondarily sadness and remorse) regarding their unwanted male features? Not really the the social aspect of the physical dysphoria, but the visceral and psychological pain of getting the wrong signals from a male body to the brain. How did you manage it?

 

Thank you so much.

I simply pray about it. I try to look at things that I was given. I already had 42C now it's 42D. I have small hands so I can easily wear women's gloves and that's about it. Somethings can be corrected by surgery so I just try to imagine at what I would look like. I do have a lot of parts that I can't do anything with. I wear a size 13 women's shoe, broad shoulders, big upper body, still don't have hips but that might change latter down the road and maybe not because my family doesn't have hips or a butt. You just have to be thankful for what you have and think about what can you do surgery wise if you want to go down that route. 

[emeraldmountain]

These are helpful responses, @April Marieand @Ashley0616. Thank you very much for your thoughts and taking the time to reply.

[emeraldmountain]

Does anyone have any additional suggestions? I am really struggling with this.

 

Hating my physical aspects I can't change. Can't stand being in this body sometimes...just so big, so manly, awful.

 

Cis people, even therapists, just don't get the physical discomfort! They seem obsessed with deconstructing the social aspect of gender, which is fine, but what about the physical?!? I'm so tired of being told women have all body shapes and it's okay to be an amalgam of male and female. It's so frustrating! What is so hard for cis people to understand about this?

 

I get imposter syndrome and feeling inferior, especially when I'm around other women but look and sound obviously AMAB. Not fun.

 

Just feeling like a loser and ugly.

 

Sorry, don't mean to sound like I'm pitying myself. Looking for some help from those who have evolved past this mindset...if even possible.

[Mmindy]

32 minutes ago, emeraldmountain said:

I get imposter syndrome and feeling inferior, especially when I'm around other women but look and sound obviously AMAB. Not fun.

 

Just feeling like a loser and ugly.

Good evening Emeraldmountain,

 

First of all you are not a loser, and ugly is subjective. We are our own worst critics.

Your size is not the issue. Google Janae Marie Kroc, or Gabbi Alon Tuft, they will show you that being big isn't an issue. You can work on changes to push past the imposter syndrome. Remember people come in all shapes and sizes. As our own worst critics we judge what the mirror shows us, and not what people really see. Here's something to think about... Everything in the mirror is a revers image.  

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[emeraldmountain]

Hi @Mmindy. Thank you very much for replying. You're right that we're our own worst critics. I like what you wrote about everything in the mirror being a reverse image, as it highlights the importance of keeping in mind that our perception may not be reality. Thank you.

 

Do you have any thoughts on how to push past imposter syndrome? Thank you.

[Mmindy]

6 minutes ago, emeraldmountain said:

Do you have any thoughts on how to push past imposter syndrome?

Emeraldmountain, therapy is the most mentioned response to getting past the imposter syndrome. I've read posts by others here on the forums that some have imposter syndrome after HRT and Surgeries. What seems to be the real secret is having the women around you in real life accept you and include you in the things they do as a group. Some get over it quickly, and others take time. "Your mileage may differ." is a phrase shared here on the forums when trying to explain the affects of life in transition.

 

Just know you are Worthy, Valued, and Loved,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[emeraldmountain]

1 minute ago, Mmindy said:

Just know you are Worthy, Valued, and Loved

@MmindyThank you so much for kindly saying that.

 

Therapy is helping a little, but for me imposter syndrome/self doubt has been a citadel.

 

Yes, I am dealing with imposter syndrome after starting HRT, but it's been there way before that.

 

I think you are right that having accepting women in one's life is important, at least for me. I've been amazed at how kind so many women (and men) have been to me after coming out to them. Times have changed, that's for sure. Mistakenly thought I would be cast out like a biblical scapegoat.

[Mmindy]

20 minutes ago, emeraldmountain said:

Times have changed, that's for sure.

That’s for sure an understatement. My wife and I went to the Scottish Highlands Games here in Indianapolis this Fall and the women competing in the games were definitely feminine and at the same time athletically large. I was definitely the smaller person watching them compete. That being said I’m only 5’ 6” tall so I’m built like a fire plug, working on getting my weight down. 
 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋👻