Hello! Just a late night confusing ramble.

[Soren_Xx]

Before this jumble of words, nice to meet you all! I'm Soren! 

 

(im writing this pretty late, so excuse me if theres typos or if something doesn't make sense)

 

I'm once again in a state of constantly questioning if I'm transgender after roughly 2 years since I started identifying as such. For some brief and simplified background info: I first started questioning my gender when I met someone in my school who was ftm and realized "oh wow trans people acthaly exist?" And the following year turned into a weird mess of confusion. I felt realy good about myself as a dude, but I didnt want to beleive it, so I identified as bigender/male and female for a good while thinking it made me less "trans"??? I dont quite get what i was thinking because I only ever said I felt like a guy to the two people I was out to lol.

 

Anyways,eventualy I had finaly just accepted it and came out as ftm to a handful of friends.

As of now I am still currently closeted towards the rest of my friends and family. But now I'm confused. I still feel realy good about myself when I think of myself as a boy, but now im wondering if being a girl isnt that bad? I'm ok with the idea of looking and dressing verry feminine, but it starts feeling weird once I'm perceived that way. I think it might just be because I find feminine women pretty? And not because I actualy feel like one. I am not attracted to women romantically either, so ive started to doubt myself. (I do understand that it does not matter who im attracted to but sometimes it makes me insecure every now and then)

 

The more I write this the more clear it feels that I am most likley trans. I know i have lots of time, but some certainty or others thoughts and experiences definatley helps.

 

[Ashley0616]

I would strongly suggest seeing a gender therapist because I can't for say certain that you are or not trans. Maybe that you are both but if you feel very strongly about being a guy then maybe that is also what it can be. Sorry I'm not of much help. I know it's a very confusing way to try and find the real you. I wish you good luck and looking forward to seeing your new posts. 

[April Marie]

Hi, Soren! Welcome to the forums!! I know you'll find lots of information and feedback here. Poke around, ask questions and participate where you feel comfortable.

 

It is only natural to question your gender identity in response to the feelings you experience presenting as a male or female. Self-doubt is something I struggle with often. It's common no matter who you are. And, yes, being a girl...or a boy...isn't bad. Nothing says that you have to identify as one or the other. 

 

Is it possible for you to work with a gender therapist? As Ashley said, we're not therapists and can't give you a definitive answer about your gender identity. Most of us have found working with a qualified gender therapist to be critical to our understanding of who we are and want to be. A therapist will help you sort through the conflicting feelings, the self-doubt and confusion.

 

Gender identity is not connected to sexual preference so don't let the fact that you aren't attracted to women romantically upset or confuse you. Again, I'd suggest you find a gender therapist if at all possible to help you sort through your identity.

 

Again, welcome and I wish you all the best as you find your way to happiness.

[Timber Wolf]

H Soren,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Confusion is very normal, and fluctuation in how we feel about ourselves and our gender is not uncommon. I have not medically transitioned and present male (my birth assigned sex) in public. I've become reasonably comfortable with that. As time goes by, we can become more confident in who we are no matter how we present, at least in my case.  There are some who need to transition and present their true gender in public and private life to find happiness, but many of us do not end up transitioning. I am accepted and living as Carla to my family, and I've learned that that is enough validation for now. What I'm trying to boil this whole blather down to is to treasure life as the gender you feel with your friends you've come out to. Focus on that. In time, greater understanding of who you truly are will come, and you can then determine your best path. Sorry this turned into such a ramble.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾

[Soren_Xx]

Thank you for the responses! Redponding to Ashley and April, I do not have access to a gender therapist but i do plan on it once I am able, I just needed to talk about it until then. (i do have a friend who is mtf, but she usualy just insists i should come out because it turned out well in her case) Although this does make me wonder if there is online therapy for this? I will do some research on it but thank you all for listening

 

[April Marie]

My therapist works totally online. I found her, initially, through Pride Counseling where they matched her up with me. I've since transitioned to her private practice but remain totally online since she lives hundreds of miles away. It's worked well for me.

 

We are all here to support each other so feel free to talk away, ask questions, add to the conversations,....whatever you feel comfortable doing.

[Jet McCartney]

7 hours ago, Soren_Xx said:

Before this jumble of words, nice to meet you all! I'm Soren! 

 

(im writing this pretty late, so excuse me if theres typos or if something doesn't make sense)

 

I'm once again in a state of constantly questioning if I'm transgender after roughly 2 years since I started identifying as such. For some brief and simplified background info: I first started questioning my gender when I met someone in my school who was ftm and realized "oh wow trans people acthaly exist?" And the following year turned into a weird mess of confusion. I felt realy good about myself as a dude, but I didnt want to beleive it, so I identified as bigender/male and female for a good while thinking it made me less "trans"??? I dont quite get what i was thinking because I only ever said I felt like a guy to the two people I was out to lol.

 

Anyways,eventualy I had finaly just accepted it and came out as ftm to a handful of friends.

As of now I am still currently closeted towards the rest of my friends and family. But now I'm confused. I still feel realy good about myself when I think of myself as a boy, but now im wondering if being a girl isnt that bad? I'm ok with the idea of looking and dressing verry feminine, but it starts feeling weird once I'm perceived that way. I think it might just be because I find feminine women pretty? And not because I actualy feel like one. I am not attracted to women romantically either, so ive started to doubt myself. (I do understand that it does not matter who im attracted to but sometimes it makes me insecure every now and then)

 

The more I write this the more clear it feels that I am most likley trans. I know i have lots of time, but some certainty or others thoughts and experiences definatley helps.

 

Hey Soren!

I'm FtM, and I too used to question non-stop if I was "actually trans." Everybody's experience is different in this aspect, but here's some things from my own journey that you may relate to;

 

I used to identify as a demi-boy, ( someone who partially identifies with a masculine identity.) I knew I was "different" since childhood, but the age of 16 is when I first tried to put a label on it, and demi-boy seemed to fit. Yet, after a while, I noticed that it didn't really work. I loved feminine clothing and mannerisms. I loved pretty things like flowers and I didn't even mind wearing pretty dresses. They made me feel nice, because they were classic. Because of this, I labeled myself as nonbinary. Yet even this had its fallbacks. (Please keep in mind, you don't need to label yourself if it's not possible or practical, etc.) 

 

It took me until around the age of 18 to finally admit to myself that I was actually trans, and not any of those other things. 

 

I realised that even though I love feminine things, I hate when its me who's being perceived as feminine. I found out that if I wanted to be seen as feminine, I wanted it to be in a manly way. If I were to wear a dress, I'd want to be seen as a man in a dress, not a woman.

 

It's taken me many years, but I have finally learned that I am actually just a man who still enjoys the feminine sides of life. 

 

I'm attracted to women, men, and others. I like men the most. Yet, because of this, another problem of mine was constantly wondering if I was attracted to a guy, or if I wanted to be him. This was really confusing at first until I realised I never had the same questions with women. I never wondered if I liked a lady or wanted to be her, it was obvious that I was just into her. 

 

(Sorry if this is all haphazard, I am tired as well haha.)

 

Something you can try, is to visualise yourself as an older person. Do you want to grow into an old woman or be an old man?

 

(Another thing: You can find women aesthetically pleasing without being attracted to them. 😉)

 

I hope you can find yourself!

[Soren_Xx]

thanks for the replies again (and sorry its been so long!) and thanks to April for letting me know about online gender therapy, i dont have the option to pay for any therapy right now but i am looking into more places where i can talk more comfortably about my feelings until then. and thanks for sharing your experiences Jet, it is comforting knowing that someone has similar feelings.

i should probably mention how im doing on the matter, honestly ive been feeling a lot more confident in my identity, and viewing myself older helped a lot. honestly i have a hard time viewing myself old in general, but it did leave me thinking about other titles to refer to myself like viewing myself as a wife or husband, and see which felt "right" (in my case husband felt right) i think that a lot of my doubts are there because im worried how my parents/family might react, as well as the kinds of media they see related to trans topics. but the more i think the more i become sure of knowing i feel like a guy, the more i want to tell myself im not, so im kinda in a weird spot of trying to accept myself i guess.

(sorry if im rambling, once again, very tired lol)

[Heather Shay]

You are doing fine. The journey each of us faces is a long and extremely difficult one. CIS people have a difficult time understanding because they can't see the pain we go through. 

Having friends here helps.

Hugs

[Susan R]

On 11/1/2023 at 9:02 PM, Soren_Xx said:

i think that a lot of my doubts are there because im worried how my parents/family might react, as well as the kinds of media they see related to trans topics

@Soren_Xx I can relate to this. During my childhood and teenage years growing up gave way too much consideration to what others thought or would think of me if they knew the truth. I felt it was a matter of my survival. We can’t change the truth so I hid it. It’s taken years of therapy to embrace my true identity and stop the suppression, guilt and shame about who I am and to live MY life.

 

Sadly, the last part of your statement is still of great concern to me… especially in our current political climate. I can’t control the misinformation others are exposed to. Like many in our community, I do worry how this might change the views and perspectives of those people we care most about.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Soren_Xx  I'm AFAB, intersex, and mostly in my boy form these days.  Others have given good advice about therapy, but I'll add a little something.  Maybe take some stress off yourself about identity and which "box" you fit in.  Because, you don't have to fit in a box, regarding gender or anything else.  Sexuality isn't always black and white, and the Kinsey Scale shows that there's variations.  I think gender can be similar.  Maybe you aren't 100% boy.  I'm certainly not.  And if you like boys and also feminine girls, then you like who you like.  And in a relationship, you can be gender-neutral, role-neutral, or flexible.  It doesn't even have to be consistent.  Just be you, whatever that looks like.

[KayC]

Hi @Soren_Xx and nice to meet you.
What you are feeling is very common, as others have already related to.  I think you will find this Forum helpful and you will soon see we are ALL different, just as in many ways we have similar experiences in our journeys.

The benefit of Therapy is not just to establish a more confident aspect of our gender and sexual identity (and as you’ve found, Yes, those are different things).  We have to remember that we are first fundamentally Human Beings.  We bring a LOT of baggage along with us in the Lifetime.  It’s truly important that we find a way to deal with the ‘whole package’.

 

As I often tell others “We can change our Living condition, but it won’t necessarily change our Life condition”.  This is something we can all work on.

I hope you stay with us, and seek therapy … and I am sure you will find your Center.