Am I a boy??

[MoonFromSB]

So, I'm afab (assigned female at birth for those who don't know). 

I've been questioning for 2 years now. :0

 

What has had me wondering if I'm a trans male:

- Long periods of being male

- Got upset when I had self doubt about being a male, and had breakdowns because I needed and wanted to be a male

- Reoccuringly wanting to be male

- Feeling male

- Having dreams of being a male

- Wanting a masculine body/appearance

- Wanting and wishing to be amab (assigned male at birth)

- Upset that I wasn't amab

- Having "I feel like a boy trapped in a girls body" as a child

- Refer to myself with masculine terms/nouns and pronouns, even if I'm not identifying as male

- Literally calling myself a boy, even if I didn't identify as one

- Wanting to be a femboy

- Liking the label transmaculine

- Wanting to be a male, amab teenager

- Euphoria when partner said they would refer and treat me as a boy

- Huge euphoria when mom agreed to let me shop in the men's section at stores

- Euphoria when my friend said I look more like a boy

- Euphoria when a kid said I was a boy

- Euphoria when the possibility of me being a boy has opened up when I have a gender crisis

- Would rather be seen as a boy, and have a male body

That's about all I can thing of about that.

 

But what has me thinking I can't be a trans boy:

 

- Not fitting in with boys and girls

- Liking the non-binary label

- Disgust with diagrams of men's bodies in educational books (even educational books for teens) that caused me to not want a male body, and dysphoria with my body

- Wanting to have an androgynous voice

- Wanting to dress more neutral/androgynous

- Liking feminine things

- Not wanting to look masculine, because sometimes the idea of a masculine appearance is "too masculine" but maybe being a femboy would be better

- Wanting to have no down there parts

- Wanting to have an intersex body, feminine and neutral body, masculine and neutral body, genderless body, non-binary body

- Not feeling like I would fit in with trans men 

- Flip flopping between male and genderless

- Never feeling a feminine gender, but felt unaligned and masculine aligned

- Wanting to be any and all masculine aligned genders

- Rare times when I'm fine with my agab

- Wanting feminine, masculine, and androgynous/gender-neutral clothes so I can shake things up

- Enjoying people struggling to tell what my gender identity is

- Wanting to be a feminine gender as a release for when I'm tired of feeling genderless and male, etc

- Feeling connected to being non-binary when I've read about it

- Changing pronouns

- Sometimes being fine with my body

- Liking being girly

- Liking certain feminine aspects of my body

- Wanting to be fluid in gender expression, and completely something else

- Neurogender might be playing a role

- Having Xenogenders

 

And I've had anxiety and fear over the idea of being genderlfuid.

[Carolyn Marie]

Well, @MoonFromSB, I can't tell you if you are a boy.  What I can tell you is that labels don't matter as much as you might think, and that the only person who will know for sure if you are a boy, or (eventually) a man is you, and that it is perfectly OK to be androgynous or bi-gender or agender.

 

What I definitely can tell you is that you are transgender, which includes all of the "categories" I mentioned above.  You may very well be a transgender boy, or male, or FtM.  But you are the only person who will ever know for sure what you are, or what you should consider yourself to be, with the assistance of a gender therapist, which is someone you should see as soon as you are able to do so.  I realize that may not be possible right now, but eventually it will be, especially after you turn 18, unless you come out to your parents and they are willing to let you see one now.

 

In the meantime, be satisfied knowing that you are transgender, and that you have time to figure out the rest of it.  I think you've got a pretty good list of things you can show that therapist at some point, so don't throw it away.  It will come in handy some day soon.

 

Carolyn Marie

[AllieJ]

After 65 years of trying to work out an answer to these questions, I believe I have found it. Unfortunately it seems not to be what people want to hear, most people would prefer to just not know, which is ok, unless it bugs you!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[LittleSam]

Hi,

 

I can so relate to you. I too have had an identity crisis, but it's only been a few months for me. I'm AFAB. I called myself a boy as a child and introduced myself as a son and called myself Sam. I had my hair cut short. As soon as I started to develop breasts, I got upset  because I wouldn't be able to go around topless anymore. I grew my hair out and started wearing makeup. I identified as lesbian in my late teens. Now as an adult in my 30s with shirt hair again, I'm getting distressed about my chest again. Like you, I don't want my lower body parts to change. 

I've been wearing all male things now, male deodorant, pants, pjs, men clothes make me feel safe. I recently came out as non binary and actually changed my title to Mx and my name to Sam by deedpoll. The euphoria I have felt is amazing . I go by they/them pronouns. I'm questioning all the time..I don't want to be a full male, since I believe I'm both, but more masc presenting . What I've learnt is, you can have a non binary body. I might go for top surgery, but not go on T. The point is, it's your choice, go with what makes you comfortable. You can have parts of both genders and still go by he/him pronouns or you mind find you prefer they/them. You said you have anxiety over being genderfluid. Be honest with yourself if she/her is distressing for you, ditch that pronoun. I really feel for you, and understand, I wish you all the best.

[Astrid]

7 hours ago, LittleSam said:

What I've learnt is, you can have a non binary body

 

Thank you for your well-said thoughts.  I'd like to focus on the one quoted above, because it is central to affirming that -- yes! -- I am most definitely non-binary, and in a physical way. I don't have to pretend to be a binary gender that I'm not. And for me, an important decision was to commit to HRT.  HRT has gradually, over four years now, allowed me to be comfortable with my body (and mind) in ways I could never attain before.  

 

Kind regards,

 

Astrid