Flooded with doubt after starting HRT

[jkm]

I'm 42 years old and have been crossdressing consistently for the last 30 years.  When I'd see transition timeline posts on social media, I always felt jealous of those that were able to proceed forward and live their authentic life.  Being on HRT and following in those footsteps was always a dream of mine.

 

Fast forward to yesterday - I started HRT, and I'm completely overwhelmed with feelings of doubt and uncertainty.  I'm literally second guessing everything.  What if I don't pass?  What if I can't change my voice?  What if my parents actually disown me? (That's their threat)  What if 6 months+ down the road, I feel it's too much and want to stop, and then I'm stuck with irreversible changes? etc. etc. etc.  There's a million different feelings of doubt running through my mind.

 

Part of what is making all of this so difficult is the fact that my life as a man really isn't bad at all.  I risk giving up a stable, comfortable life for a very uncertain future that will likely be ripe with more challenges than I currently face today.  But on the other hand, if I don't transition, then I'm always going to wonder "What could have been?" and have feeling of regret for not trying.

 

I just don't know what to do.  With each pill I take, I sit there for 5 minutes beforehand just staring at the prescription bottle, wondering if I should actually continue?😟

 

 

[April Marie]

I can certainly understand the self-doubt. I have not started HRT so I can't specifically address that aspect of it, though.

 

Are you working with a gender therapist? The issues you voice are those which I've talked through with my therapist, and continue to discuss, as I move forward with my process.

 

 

[Jet McCartney]

I remember after waiting for years to get my prescription for Testosterone, I kept the bottle in my cupboard for over 2 months, just second-guessing myself. Every time I got the courage to actually give myself the shot, I'd put it back and leave the house so I didn't have to think about it. Many changes for people FTM are reversible, but some aren't, like bottom growth and voice changes. 

 

If you have wanted this for son long, I would think that taking HRT is the right path for you. As for passing and being content with your changes, that is a mixture of luck, genetics, and hard work. 

 

I wish you the best.

[EasyE]

Thanks for sharing your doubts and struggles, jkm ... I wish I could pass along some magical advice that would put to rest your doubts one way or the other. Alas, I don't have that...  Just wanted you to know that there are people out there listening and caring about where you are... 

 

I can relate to where you are in some respects ... I don't have a bad life as a man and I don't feel the serious dysphoria that some on here describe. Yet I am enchanted with the thought of becoming more feminine, having a more feminine body, "feeling" in a more feminine way. I thought it was just clothing for a long time, but I have been giving HRT serious consideration the past few months. 

 

We'll see what the next steps are... best wishes and blessings to you...

 

Easy 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

@jkm  I agree with @April Marie about gender therapy as a prelude to deciding (if you're not already doing that).

 

After almost 4 years of gender therapy and a year consulting with my Dr - this is my experience (just for reference).  I started HRT about 5 months ago, and had some similar trepidation prior to starting, and some definite obstacles since it would potentially end my marriage (my wife's threat).

After 5 months, the emotional well-being I now feel offsets any doubts.  The physical changes are subtle enough that if I quit now I am not sure anybody would ever notice (except me).  So for me there was a window to see how I felt before those changes become more obvious.

What I can say now is there is no way I would ever go back off of HRT (unless there was a significant medical risk in continuing).  Even if I never fully transition physically with GRS, I finally feel like I am the person I was always meant to be.  So for me, that's what it's all about.

 

Hope this helps.  I am sure you will receive more experiences from the Forum members.

[Betty K]

Hi @jkm, nice to meet you. Can I ask, have you ever been out in public en femme? I remember the first time I posted on this site I had only ever been out in public after dark, and I had similar worries about passing. That was three years ago. I have now been on HRT for 19 months and presenting fulltime for a year. I don't pass, but I am way happier and more self-confident than I have ever been before. I sometimes feel sad that I may never pass -- indeed, I think it's unlikely I ever will, or if so not 100% of the time -- but I know I can live with it if I don't.

 

Here's the thing: you probably won't pass, at least not at first, and maybe not for quite a while. So here's my advice: if you haven't been out yet, go out. Do normal stuff, but dressed exactly how you want to dress. If you can do that and feel happy about yourself, you've got this. If you're anything like me you may even decide that passing is not as important as you thought it was.

 

As to voice training, it's hard, and it takes time. Maybe you'll be more motivated than I have been, but even I am getting there. Sometimes I love my voice. People on the phone still hear me as male, I think, but a few people irl have commented on how feminine my voice is. I think I'll get there eventually.

 

Remember, it's not just your body that's transitioning. I won't lie, for me it has been intensely emotional. I was always super-sensitive, but estrogen made me even moreso, and realising at age 49 that I probably could/should/would have done this at 11 in an ideal world has been the saddest thing I have ever endured. I knew grief pretty well already, but this is off the scale. Who knows, maybe you're scared because you sense something like that ahead too.

 

There will be challenges ahead if you choose to take this road. All I can say is that I would far rather these challenges than the ones I faced before.

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Betty K said:

Here's the thing: you probably won't pass, at least not at first, and maybe not for quite a while. So here's my advice: if you haven't been out yet, go out. Do normal stuff, but dressed exactly how you want to dress. If you can do that and feel happy about yourself, you've got this.

This.

I've been on HRT about 5 yrs now, and I'm not satisfied that I pass very often - certainly not under any kind of scrutiny.  But I still live full-time as a woman as best I can.  And for me that's what matters.   I am often surprised at how well I'm accepted, even in this conservative area.

[jkm]

1 hour ago, Betty K said:

Hi @jkm, nice to meet you. Can I ask, have you ever been out in public en femme?

 

Yes, I sometimes will go out shopping on a Saturday afternoon fully dressed.  That's been my way of quelling these desires for many years now.  I pass well enough, I suppose.  However, nowadays most people have their face buried in their phone or in general, just aren't really paying much attention to others.  If somebody gets within 15 ft of me and truly gets a good look at me, usually they can tell.  And if a sale associate approaches me, that's the worst.  I usually end up whispering to them because I'm so self conscious about my voice.

 

The thing is, I almost feel like I'm getting into costume for those instances.  Between the wig, makeup, breast forms, and hip pads, it transforms me into something I am not.  Starting HRT and transitioning would be a different experience, as it's just not practical to walk around wearing hip pads, a wig, and a pound of makeup in ordinary everyday life.

 

Passing is super important to me, and it almost feels like my survival depends on it.  I got a long way to go in the corporate world, and I can't imagine the uphill battle job interviews will be as somebody that doesn't pass.  As I alluded to in my first post, my parents are not only not supportive, they are outright hostile towards this.  They made it clear they want nothing to do with me if I transition.  And without them, I pretty much lose the only safety net I have in life.  I have no plan B or side hustle to help  in any way if life goes sideways on me.

 

It's all these unknown factors that make this such a scary thing for me.  Hence, all the doubt and questioning that I'm doing.

 

 

17 hours ago, Jet McCartney said:

I remember after waiting for years to get my prescription for Testosterone, I kept the bottle in my cupboard for over 2 months, just second-guessing myself. Every time I got the courage to actually give myself the shot, I'd put it back and leave the house so I didn't have to think about it. Many changes for people FTM are reversible, but some aren't, like bottom growth and voice changes.

It sounds like you went through the exact same thing that I'm now facing.  It's comforting to know these feelings are normal.

 

 

22 hours ago, April Marie said:

Are you working with a gender therapist? The issues you voice are those which I've talked through with my therapist, and continue to discuss, as I move forward with my process.

I've had 3 sessions with a therapist, and found it to be a very under-whelming experience.  I went into it thinking she'd have all these connections and ways to guide me.  But when I asked her for an Endo referral, she seemed only informed about the one LGBT center in my city that is too far for me.  When I saw her for my follow up appointment, all she did was google a doctor that was closer to me.  So basically I paid her $150 through my insurance to perform a Google search on my behalf.  Not impressed!

 

4 hours ago, KayC said:

After 5 months, the emotional well-being I now feel offsets any doubts.  The physical changes are subtle enough that if I quit now I am not sure anybody would ever notice (except me).  So for me there was a window to see how I felt before those changes become more obvious.

May I ask, what changes you've experienced, and when?  I assume you're referring to breast growth.  I know everybody is different, but I'm trying to calculate approximately how much time I have to figure all this out before I end up with irreversible changes.

 

 

12 hours ago, EasyE said:

I can relate to where you are in some respects ... I don't have a bad life as a man and I don't feel the serious dysphoria that some on here describe. Yet I am enchanted with the thought of becoming more feminine, having a more feminine body, "feeling" in a more feminine way. I thought it was just clothing for a long time, but I have been giving HRT serious consideration the past few months.

Yes, I don't really experience dysphoria either, at least not how others often describe it.  I don't hate my body or lose sleep over what's between my legs.  But like you said, there's always those feminine desires bubbling just beneath the surface.  The thing I find most triggering is "Before & After" or transition timeline posts. Seeing others transition successfully and pass just leaves me filled with jealousy.  Half the time I just close out of it and stop viewing that stuff because I just can't handle it.

[April Marie]

Sorry that your experience with a therapist was underwhelming. It sometimes takes a few tries to find the right one. I was very fortunate and found mine on-line and we clicked from the start. She's been amazingly helpful in assisting me to find my way ahead amid the doubts and fears.

 

I initially found her through Pride counseling but ultimately transitioned to her private practice. We have video consults - she lives about 700 miles away.

 

You've had some wonderful advice from others more experienced than I. I hope everything works out for you!

[Charlize]

   I also found therapy helpful but can certainly understand how you were let down.   I remember speaking to mine about all the wonderful experiences i had had as a child on Halloween and how throughout my life i had dressed and started but eventually purged.  I had started at one point to simply dress and spend time almost forcing myself to stop at a convince store to buy some gum, to buy gas, or simply to walk around a public park on a lovely day.  Fear was constant companion.  As i spoke about all of this i realized my gender issues were not going away.  I could no longer go on as a man.  

    My parents had died  as i was 63 when i went full time.  Fortunately my wife and i have found a path forward together.   

There is no rush, no time line one has to follow , if any at all.  There are times when we can change things and times when it's better to simply go on as is.  

    Whatever you decide take a breath and enjoy the day.  As i get older it seems easier to relax into the flow.  Hope you find that as well.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize

[AllieJ]

On 11/25/2023 at 4:26 AM, jkm said:

I'm 42 years old and have been crossdressing consistently for the last 30 years.  When I'd see transition timeline posts on social media, I always felt jealous of those that were able to proceed forward and live their authentic life.  Being on HRT and following in those footsteps was always a dream of mine.

 

Fast forward to yesterday - I started HRT, and I'm completely overwhelmed with feelings of doubt and uncertainty.  I'm literally second guessing everything.  What if I don't pass?  What if I can't change my voice?  What if my parents actually disown me? (That's their threat)  What if 6 months+ down the road, I feel it's too much and want to stop, and then I'm stuck with irreversible changes? etc. etc. etc.  There's a million different feelings of doubt running through my mind.

 

Part of what is making all of this so difficult is the fact that my life as a man really isn't bad at all.  I risk giving up a stable, comfortable life for a very uncertain future that will likely be ripe with more challenges than I currently face today.  But on the other hand, if I don't transition, then I'm always going to wonder "What could have been?" and have feeling of regret for not trying.

 

I just don't know what to do.  With each pill I take, I sit there for 5 minutes beforehand just staring at the prescription bottle, wondering if I should actually continue?😟

 

 

jkm, many (most) of us have fears about starting HRT, especially those of us who have built a life around us. I couldn't bear the thought of losing those parts of my life I loved, and I had real doubts I could transition successfully. For decades I had nightmares of transitioning to being alone and ridiculed. So, despite severe dysphoria, I refused to transition. 

 

Dysphoria is greatly misunderstood, and it affects our lives in a number of different ways. Mostly it's just a feeling which keeps coming back that we should be more like our opposite sex, but for some of us, the feelings are very strong, and almost never leave us. This starts to affect our lives, and we have a need to appease it by things like dressing. It can be stronger at certain times in our lives, and not so strong at other times.

 

Transition has been shown to be the only effective way to rid ourselves of dysphoria, but it is not simple. There are no guarantees on how it might work, and how it might affect our loved ones. So we generally don't take that step unless dysphoria is affecting us so much we need to do something about it. I was at that stage many times in my life, but refused to commit. I let it escalate through my 50's and started getting periods of depression. By my mid 60's, the years of stress had destroyed my health. I learned that we can get to a point where our survival depends on transition. 

 

I got to that stage, and had to confront my fears. I learned that dysphoria never leaves us, and it can get overwhelming. I learned that our fears are usually worse than the reality, and that we mostly focus on the bad things. I transitioned, and yes, I lost my wife and dream job, but my family and community supported me. No, I don't always pass, and I do get misgendered often, but mostly I am not noticed, and I haven't had people point at me and laugh. It's not the life I wanted, but I am generally comfortable, and more importantly, alive!

 

My experiences with psychologists has also been underwhelming. I never needed to talk to one prior to transition, and I guess I had a misconception that they had answers to help me transition. I found that they really only provide an ear to listen, and some soothing advice, but no answers. I learned that our condition is actually a medical condition, and needs a medical solution. Psychologists are to help us cope with the stress of transition. 

 

I guess if you have started HRT with the fears that you have (which is healthy) you are at the stage where you really need this. It is a slow process, and there are lots of options along the way. You have time to adjust things to better suit your situation, and you might find that small changes make you feel much better. Cis women come in all shapes and sizes, so you might find that you will be more 'passable' than you think, and people aren't so critical anyway. Hang in there, and assess things in a couple of months. 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

 

[susannah]

@jkm,I can definitely relate.  Currently, I am not on HRT but was taking them off and on for about 6 to 7 months.  I stopped and started several times.  It has been 6 months since I last took estradiol.  The main reasons for my stopping HRT are the doubt and societal pressure.  I, too, have very comfortable life with well established career.  Transitioning will jeopardize all I have accomplished.  I wish there are some easy answers but there is none. 

 

Having said all that, my desire to get back on estradiol is getting stronger.  My taking estradiol for 5 months have changed my body somewhat.  I have developed breast buds but there have been some other subtle changes that have not gone away.  I think I will eventually go back on HRT.  My body felt so comfortable while on estradiol. 

 

Many of us start HRT because we already know this is right for us deep down.  It takes some time for us to realize that.  I need my mine to catch up to what my body already knows. 

[Betty K]

17 hours ago, jkm said:

The thing is, I almost feel like I'm getting into costume for those instances.  Between the wig, makeup, breast forms, and hip pads, it transforms me into something I am not.  Starting HRT and transitioning would be a different experience, as it's just not practical to walk around wearing hip pads, a wig, and a pound of makeup in ordinary everyday life.

 

I remember this phase well (though I never wore hip pads). I too was going to work "as a man" and appearing in what, to me, seemed a bit like a woman costume 2-3 times a week. For me, the decision of what to do next was taken out of my hands; I was simply too depressed with that situation to continue in it. So I lost the breastforms, developed a simple 20-minute makeup routine that I could reproduce daily, got a more feminine haircut, and went full time. I also quit my job and started working for myself. By then I'd been on HRT for eight months, but could have easily kept passing as a man if I'd wanted to. Only recently have my breasts become big enough that they would be difficult to hide.

 

If you have been crossdressing consistently for 30 years and envying other trans women their transitions I am guessing you will probably reach the point of transitioning eventually, but maybe now is not the time. I first seriously considered transitioning in 2012, but I was ultimately too scared and went back in the closet for almost a decade. When I finally faced the fact that I couldn't ignore the urge any longer it was only because suicide seemed the only other option. Maybe you are just not desperate enough yet to go through with it.

 

Or maybe you are more desperate than you realise. I guess the question is how much discomfort are you willing to endure to reach your goal? And/or do you have a plan to reach your goal with minimum discomfort?

[Betty K]

@jkm Btw, have you started laser yet? Electrolysis? You can also start voice straining before you come out. Obvious suggestions maybe.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, jkm said:

May I ask, what changes you've experienced, and when? 

Hi @jkm I will answer your question, and Yes, everybody is different.
For my breasts - I felt nipple sensitivity right away, and developed breast buds within a few weeks - but it took a couple of months before I could see any noticeable breast growth - mostly just plumpness.

I had started a year ago with T-blockers and then estradiol 5+months ago.  I would say it was at the 3 - 4 month point on estradiol that I noticed my breasts had grown to what I think is about a AA cup (U.S. standard).  Unless I wear a very tight shirt/blouse they are not really noticeable.  I will say I have only been on my full-dose of estradiol for a little over 2 months and that coincided with the most noticeable breast growth.  I am really not sure if they are going to get any bigger. 

 

I would say something more noticeable (to me anyway) is that my skin has softened on my face and inner arms/thighs (as you told me it would @Susan R 😊) and I have had some body/facial fat redistribution.  Somebody who had not seen me in a while noticed that I looked 'different' but they had no idea why. 

 

I recently had an opportunity to be 'out' socially full-time for about 3 weeks (finally!).  I would say my experience was much like @Betty K - I could 'pass' and generally people wouldn't notice while I was just out and about.  But if I had a personal interaction with them then they could either tell, or they would have a confused reaction (I am good with 'keep 'em confused'😄)  - Voice is the big give-away for me I think.

Hope this helps❣️

 

 

[Betty K]

18 minutes ago, KayC said:

I recently had an opportunity to be 'out' socially full-time for about 3 weeks (finally!).  I would say my experience was much like @Betty K - I could 'pass' and generally people wouldn't notice while I was just out and about. 

 

Ha! I think you're misquoting me there Kay. I doubt I pass very often at all as a woman, but I bring that on myself. I like wearing bold colourful outfits. I kind of like drawing attention; passing is about blending in.

[Heather Shay]

NOt to worry. Size doesn't matter. Inner peace does. Trust your professionals.

[Betty K]

My main aim is to look good. If I feel I look good then why should I care about passing? Of course I do care a little, partly for safety reasons, but I find the positive responses I get far, far outweigh the negative ones.

[Ivy]

4 hours ago, Betty K said:

Maybe you are just not desperate enough yet to go through with it.

 

Or maybe you are more desperate than you realise. I guess the question is how much discomfort are you willing to endure to reach your goal?

I realize that we are all different.  

For myself, once I faced who I actually was, I began to come out publicly more and more.  It was hard at first, I was very scared.  I was fortunate (or not) to be separated from my ex, so that wasn't an issue.  In fact she was supportive.  It confirmed some things she had already suspected.  And since I am retired, my job was not an issue either.  So in this I was fortunate.

 

But my point is that being publicly transgender is not easy, especially in the beginning.  You will be clocked.  

But you have to decide what is more important to you.  To go on in a life that is kinda working for you, or to take a chance and live as who you really are, and accept the difficulties that will come with that.

I decided to take that chance, and I am satisfied with my choice.  

[jkm]

6 hours ago, Betty K said:

If you have been crossdressing consistently for 30 years and envying other trans women their transitions I am guessing you will probably reach the point of transitioning eventually, but maybe now is not the time. I first seriously considered transitioning in 2012, but I was ultimately too scared and went back in the closet for almost a decade.

That sounds very familiar.  Back in 2014, I thought I was going to transition then.  I started growing out my hair and even saw a therapist for 2 or 3 sessions before I pulled the plug (although I kept growing my hair for 1.5 years). Between my unsupportive parents, financial woes, job uncertainty, and probably the biggest factor of all - my lack of courage, I reluctantly went back into the closet.  And now it feels like history is repeating itself nearly 10 years later.  I know if I don't follow through on this, I will likely once again come crawling back again for another attempt at some point down the road.

 

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I had started a year ago with T-blockers and then estradiol 5+months ago.  I would say it was at the 3 - 4 month point on estradiol that I noticed my breasts had grown to what I think is about a AA cup (U.S. standard).

So you were on Spirno for 6 months before you added in Estradiol?  Right now my doctor prescribed me 50mg of Spirno, to take twice a day.  She told me to begin taking the 2mg of Estradiol after my blood work in a week.  But I'm wondering, if I'm still sitting on the fence after a week, is it safe to continue with only Spirno until I make up my mind?

[Ivy]

36 minutes ago, jkm said:

But I'm wondering, if I'm still sitting on the fence after a week, is it safe to continue with only Spirno until I make up my mind?

I suppose it would be safe.  But the thing is, Spiro is not Estradiol.  And you won't get much feminizing without it.  I personally don't take any T blockers, but do have Estradiol.

Of course I'm no endocrinologist.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, jkm said:

So you were on Spirno for 6 months before you added in Estradiol? 

Yes.  That was what my Dr prescribed because he knew at the time I was not ready to socially transition (and I had issues if my wife knew I was taking estradiol).  And I needed blood pressure meds anyway, and the Spiro has worked great for my BP too. 
But like @Ivy said - T-blockers are not estradiol.  They did change my libido and I lost some muscle mass and maybe just the very beginning of breast enlargement.  But I was a little bit emotionally 'empty' on just the Spiro - I felt better but also a bit empty (if that makes sense).
Once I told my Dr I was ready to start E, he got me going right away by ramping up with small doses -  it took 3 months to get me to full dose estradiol and now I am feeling the positive emotional and physical effect. 

So, this is all just FYI from my unique experience.  Please continue to consult with you Dr on the best path forward for yourself.