First Steps.....

[Harriet Rabbit]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm a mid 30s born male that is taking the very first steps here. Here's my situation......

I attended a fancy dress party when I was 17 where the theme was cross dressing. I borrowed some clothes from a friend and secretly absolutely loved it. Turns out not many people actually got involved and I could see all the jokes and potential bullying so was put off saying anything at the time and decided to bury my feelings and emotions instead. I then met a girl and started my life as the man I thought society wanted me to be, and who I thought I had to be. I now have a wife and children (that I love to bits) but on the very very rare times they are out for the night I have found myself raiding my wife's side of the wardrobe or buying myself something I fancy wearing just for the night. I yearn to show that feminine side inside of me, and wanting the family to go out for a few nights so I can be me, the me that has been suppressed for 20 years and has only come out 3 or 4 times, but never completely. 

These feelings are getting more and more prevalent and they are starting to consume my every thought. 

The issue is that I can't be selfish and I can't put my family through any of this. It's incredibly unfair on them, especially the children who wouldn't understand. I fear I am now in too deep and I am resigned to staying the man that I have to be.......but I want to be a woman.

 

I'm sorry for this blurt of emotion, and I'm sorry if it's not in keeping of the spirit of the intro but I had to get it out somewhere.....and I know these thoughts aren't going to go away now.

[KymmieL]

@Harriet Rabbit Your story is like a lot of ours here on Transpulse. We are an accepting group who doesn't judge. Feel free to join in on any discussion. Ask questions we don't bite. Most of us have or is going through the same as you are.

 

Kymmie

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Harriet.  Welcome.

 

Your story is very relatable.  Many of us have been in your position.  You are right: the thoughts likely won't go away.  So the question is, how will you deal with them?

 

Talking about it will help.  That's where we on this forum come in.  Feel free to ask questions, vent, or join in any of the discussions.  But talking to others can help too.  A lot of folks find that talking to a gender therapist is very helpful.  (I understand that the process of getting an appointment in the UK is long and slow, so if the idea of a therapist appeals to you, I'd suggest getting your name on a waiting list sooner rather than later.)

 

The other person you should consider talking to is your wife.  I know from experience just how scary this is, and I am not suggesting you jump right to that process right away.  But it is not too soon to start thinking about how that conversation might go when/if it eventually happens: what your goals might be, what compromises you might be willing to make, etc..

[Mmindy]

2 hours ago, Harriet Rabbit said:

I know these thoughts aren't going to go away now.

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums Harriet, you are among like minded people here. As mentioned earlier, many of us have lived through a similar situation. While I knew I was different at a preteen age, it was the middle 1960s and there wasn’t much information available at that time. So like you when I got older I started a family, keeping my thoughts of transgender people to myself. It wasn’t until just a few years ago that I came out to my wife. I’m 67 now and married for 47 years. 
 

Best wishes, stay positive and motivated 

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums,Harriet! Lots of great advice above. There are many of us here who began to accept our identity very late in life. It’s never to late and there are steadfast rules that govern you. Explore, jump in where you feel comfortable and ask questions. We are her to help and support.

 

The best recommendation I can give is for you to begin the process to find a gender therapist who will help you to understand the truth of your identify and help you chart a path forward. 

[Timi]

Hi Harriet! Thank you so much for sharing. And there is absolutely no need to feel sorry for blurting out your emotion here. I've heard someone describe what so many of us here go through as an "unwanted dilemma." Emotions are part of that territory, and we're all here to help each other. 

 

Welcome!

 

-Timi

[Mirrabooka]

Welcome aboard, Harriet!

 

Dealing with our feelings is something that all of us here are familiar with. You're not alone.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Harriet Rabbit,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf 🐾

[Ashley0616]

Hi Harriet,

 

I'm glad you found us. You are in the right place as there are a good number of people who are in similar situations to yours.

[Harriet Rabbit]

Thanks everyone, it's nice to feel I'm not in this boat alone. Finding time to make it here is going to be difficult but I'm going to do my best. I think the best thing I can do is try and find a therapist to help me through this.

 

I don't know what to do if I come out of the other end of it wanting to go fully into it. There's so many things I don't understand, it's scary! 

[Mmindy]

3 hours ago, Harriet Rabbit said:

There's so many things I don't understand, it's scary! 

That’s why most of us are in therapy. We need the help from those who have dealt with it before us. 
 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[AllieJ]

On 12/2/2023 at 9:44 AM, Harriet Rabbit said:

Hi everyone,

 

I'm a mid 30s born male that is taking the very first steps here. Here's my situation......

I attended a fancy dress party when I was 17 where the theme was cross dressing. I borrowed some clothes from a friend and secretly absolutely loved it. Turns out not many people actually got involved and I could see all the jokes and potential bullying so was put off saying anything at the time and decided to bury my feelings and emotions instead. I then met a girl and started my life as the man I thought society wanted me to be, and who I thought I had to be. I now have a wife and children (that I love to bits) but on the very very rare times they are out for the night I have found myself raiding my wife's side of the wardrobe or buying myself something I fancy wearing just for the night. I yearn to show that feminine side inside of me, and wanting the family to go out for a few nights so I can be me, the me that has been suppressed for 20 years and has only come out 3 or 4 times, but never completely. 

These feelings are getting more and more prevalent and they are starting to consume my every thought. 

The issue is that I can't be selfish and I can't put my family through any of this. It's incredibly unfair on them, especially the children who wouldn't understand. I fear I am now in too deep and I am resigned to staying the man that I have to be.......but I want to be a woman.

 

I'm sorry for this blurt of emotion, and I'm sorry if it's not in keeping of the spirit of the intro but I had to get it out somewhere.....and I know these thoughts aren't going to go away now.

Harriet, like many others, I have been in this position. My difference is that my first wife left me with my 2 children to raise as she said I was so maternal it made her feel inadequate as a mother (she actually was..). My focus was raising my children. My dysphoria kept getting worse, and when I realised the relationship with my girlfriend was getting serious, I explained to her that I was Trans, and at the stage where I needed to start doing something about it. She wasn't happy, but agreed I could dress at home to keep the stress down. This worked for 20 years until the dysphoria forced me to transition. 

 

If you can find a way to affirm your gender identity from time to time, maybe you can hold on until your children are grown. Dysphoria won't go away, and will likely get to intolerable levels at some stage, but you may be able to put that off for some years.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[EmilyLouise48]

On 12/2/2023 at 4:45 PM, Harriet Rabbit said:

There's so many things I don't understand, it's scary! 

 

Hi Harriet, this is so true! I find there are so many thoughts running through my mind that it can get all garbled and confusing. I think this is why finding a therapist is so important, a sounding board who can ask the right questions to hopefully bring it all into focus.

I recently confided in someone from work and some of the first things they said were to look for a therapist, to find some forums and if possible local groups so that I can start to build a support network as they will be so important when things get tough. I've taken that advice to heart as the start of my own plan of action!

What I can also say is that everyone here is very supportive (in the short time I've been here) and so very welcoming! Take care and look after yourself.

Emily x

[Harriet Rabbit]

Thanks All. I'm going to look for a therapist after Christmas, I think that's the first thing I need to do. Just to open up and speak to somebody about it who can ask the right questions and help me guide me.

[April Marie]

Oh, Gosh! I need to proofread better.

 

I meant to say  It’s never too late and there are no steadfast rules that govern you. 

[Timi]

29 minutes ago, April Marie said:

Oh, Gosh! I need to proofread better.

 

I meant to say  ... there are no steadfast rules that govern you. 

Ha ha! The "no" makes a big difference - I was trying to wrap my head around what the "rules" were!

 

I do have a rule for myself that applies about half the time (when I'm NOT dealing with a big case of Pink Fog): My rule #1: How can it be wrong when it feels so right?

 

-Timi

[DeeDee]

15 hours ago, EmilyLouise48 said:

I recently confided in someone from work and some of the first things they said were to look for a therapist, to find some forums and if possible local groups so that I can start to build a support network as they will be so important when things get tough.

Hi @Harriet Rabbit pleased to meet you.  This is absolutely great advice, whether online or in person someone safe you can be yourself around makes a huge difference.  While everyone's family is different you just do not know how people will react. Kids learn intolerance but these days are growing up with a lot less baggage than previous generations did and tend to understand more than you may think. Good luck!

[April Marie]

3 hours ago, Timi Shiels said:

Ha ha! The "no" makes a big difference - I was trying to wrap my head around what the "rules" were!

 

I do have a rule for myself that applies about half the time (when I'm NOT dealing with a big case of Pink Fog): My rule #1: How can it be wrong when it feels so right?

 

-Timi

God, I feel so bad! You've probably been trying to figure out the "rules" all this time!! 🙂

 

But you did identify the prime directive. Feel good about yourself. You are loved and valued.

 

[MaeBe]

Welcome from a person with a non-so-dissimilar story!