Hello, new here from West Midlands in the UK

[EmilyLouise48]

Hi everyone!! I'm Emily and looking to start my journey to become the person I've always known I am inside but my outward appearance didn't match.

 

I've always known that being male felt wrong for me but have suppressed my feelings in a desperate need to conform and fit in with what was expected. I've been married (to a wonderful woman) for almost twenty years who I love dearly, hoping that the more I conformed to what was expected the easier it would be. However the toll of doing so has left me struggling with bouts of depression that have lead to suicidal ideation on more than one occasion.

 

This all came to a tipping point very recently which is also the catalyst for me being here and finally finding the determination to start to live my life as the woman I know I am rather than existing as a man, which is what the last 48 years have been.

 

I finally confided in someone who helped me realise that I need to live my life and that holding back through fear of the consequences, feelings of being selfish for putting myself first and knowing the likely pain I would cause my wife did not make up for the pain and suffering I was putting myself through. I haven't yet told my wife as I'm still working out what to say, how to say it and how to deal with the likely aftermath but it is a conversation I know will have to happen and soon so that I can approach the rest of my life.

I hope to chat with people who have been where I am now to find help and guidance on my own journey! I think that is more than enough and apologies for the wall of text!!!

 

Looking forward to chatting with you all, take care and look after yourselves!

Emily x

[DeeDee]

Hi @EmilyLouise48 pleased to meet you. I'm glad you have found someone to confide in, many people here have partners and have had to take some of the same steps to open communication with their spouse.

Take a look around and join in some of the conversations - hopefully you will find what you're looking for!

[EasyE]

Thought I was reading my story there for awhile as I read your post (even my initials are EL) ... welcome and best wishes to you ... this is really tough on our wives (mine is totally freaked out just by the fact I like to wear women's clothes)... be patient and gracious ... 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Emily!  Nice to meet you.  Your story will resonate with most of us here, as we've been there and felt that and done that.  For some, things didn't turn out well, but for others, myself included, long relationships and family ties have gotten longer after the "big reveal" and the ties still bind. 

 

Whatever you need (within reason, of course) we will strive to provide.  Let us know how we can be of service, and best wishes to you.  Please feel free to comb through the forums to find threads of interest.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums, Emily!

 

As others have said, your story resonates with many of us. I buried my truth for almost 7 decades before the depression became so evident that my wife confronted me. It's been a year, almost, and despite some challenges our love has kept us together as we find our way through this new life.

 

Transition can be anything you want/need it to be. For some, a full gender reassignment is viable and/or necessary. Others find happiness in some other version. The point is that finding what allows you to find yourself and to be happy is what is right for you.

 

If possible, I'd suggest you find and work with a gender therapist. That will greatly help you to understand how to approach finding yourself and understanding what drives your feelings and emotions. For me, it's been life-saving since it helped me to fight on the temptation for self-harm.

 

Of course, the forum is filled with wonderful information and people. Jump in where you feel comfortable!!

[Heather Shay]

So glad you are here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[atlantis63]

Hello

 

and yes, my username does refer to the ancient city. I do like mythology

[KayC]

Hi Emily!  Nice to meet you and Welcome!

As you've probably already discovered, you have Landed in a welcoming and supportive community.  I am sure you will benefit from the connections you make here.  I have!
 

12 hours ago, EmilyLouise48 said:

feelings of being selfish for putting myself first and knowing the likely pain I would cause my wife did not make up for the pain and suffering I was putting myself through.

I have been through what you are going through now (as have others here).  I can say that it's been a slow, tough slog but one that has seen progress.  I concur with @April Marie - everybody has a different path and destination ... and, Gender Therapy is what has helped me greatly.  I am hoping for a similar experience for you.

Welcome again❣️  Deep breaths ... one step at a time. 

[EmilyLouise48]

Thank you everyone for being so kind and welcoming, A lot of your comments resonate with me including the advice you have already so kindly provided.

I'm currently looking for a gender therapist as even though I've made this decision there are still a lot of feelings and thoughts I need to process and understand.

My main concern right now is trying to formulate how I go about sitting down with my wife and explaining all of this in as sensitive and understanding way as possible. I so want to avoid causing her pain and distress but I know I am highly unlikely to succeed, unfortunately. In my head I'm expecting the worst possible outcome based on some of her expressed views but I will live in hope that it turns out better than I expect.

I know I will be reading through a lot of these forums and no doubt will have many questions too as I continue down this road. Again thank you for the lovely messages they fill my heart with hope and joy. Emily x

[Timi]

On 12/2/2023 at 7:58 PM, EasyE said:

this is really tough on our wives (mine is totally freaked out just by the fact I like to wear women's clothes)

Welcome @EmilyLouise48!

 

@EasyE Tonight as we were going out to an event, I asked my wife if she was uncomfortable with me wearing my mala (a necklace of beads traditionally used for meditation. The person who made mine prayed the goddess Matangi into it which is a whole different story and quite likely set off my transition LOL). 

 

And my wife said yes, my wearing a mala did make her feel uncomfortable much of the time. I'm gently working on earrings (hey - Bruce Springsteen wears them!). Kilts - well - I have one basic black canvas one she knows I wear out, but not with her. 

 

Sooooo it's a long slow road for me with her. But - it's really cool that she trying the best she can. 

 

As the saying goes, I have to be patient. I've been dealing with this dilemma for a lifetime, she's only been dealing with it for a couple months. Sigh. 

 

-Timi

[Timi]

3 hours ago, EmilyLouise48 said:

My main concern right now is trying to formulate how I go about sitting down with my wife and explaining all of this in as sensitive and understanding way as possible. I so want to avoid causing her pain and distress but I know I am highly unlikely to succeed, unfortunately. In my head I'm expecting the worst possible outcome based on some of her expressed views but I will live in hope that it turns out better than I expect.

Hi Emily! I think it's a good thing to think about these things in advance. Your experience will be your own and likely different from mine - but for me, when I said "yes" to the feminine soul staring at me from the mirror asking, "Are you ever going to let me live?", well, let's just say that sometimes things started to snowball and move fast. 

 

I had already broken the ground with my wife by communicating fairly regularly as I acknowledged my feminine personality traits (compassionate, empathetic, vulnerable, warm-hearted, collaborative, sensitive, the list goes on and on.) Then as I learned more about the word transgender really meant, I talked about that with her and said that technically, that word describes me.(She does not like that word). 

 

But things really came to a head after I impulsively and desperately shaved the hair off my arms and legs one day (that snowball effect I mentioned previously). She noticed about a week later and we had the long talk, where I gave her my full biography. Livelong yearnings to be a woman and how that expressed itself through my life. 

 

So, yeah. I think it's really good you're thinking about this. 

 

I'm looking forward to getting gender therapy, and my wife is interested in therapy as well. The others on this forum are so supportive of this. 

 

I'm so glad you found this place, and I wish you the best!

 

-Timi

[EasyE]

This is such a tough topic, trying to live true to yourself while balancing it out with not wanting to hurt people you really care about but knowing that you will ... Mercy, mercy

[Susan R]

On 12/2/2023 at 4:09 PM, EmilyLouise48 said:

I've been married (to a wonderful woman) for almost twenty years who I love dearly, hoping that the more I conformed to what was expected the easier it would be. However the toll of doing so has left me struggling with bouts of depression

Hello @EmilyLouise48 and welcome! Thank you for sharing a part of your story here. Like you, I was married 20 years to my wife when my egg finally and permanently cracked and I began my journey. I also felt conforming to my transitional male role and presentation with her there to keep me accountable was all I needed to continue my life living as a man.

 

After 20 years, I was forced to make a change. Continuing to live as a man became such a painful burden and made the decision to transition. I made the mistake of continually postponing my disclosure and eventually started my journey without her. I started living a secret life again as I had in my distant past. I hated it. After 10 weeks on HRT, I finally broke down and told her the part of my life she never knew about. We spent 4 days alone in our home talking about the (hidden) past, present, and a (possible) future. We were always civil during our discussions and we listened carefully to one another. Communication made it work for us. I believe  through discussion I helped her see how much I needed to transition for my spiritual and mental health. My wife gave me grace and became my biggest ally in my journey these past 5 years.

 

Sadly, it did come at great cost to her. She was heavily invested in a local Christian church that eventually disallowed her to serve in any capacity as long as she was supporting my decision to transition. That hurt her deeply but she understood that they were acting in ignorance and limited exposure to the topic. Not everyone understands. I hope your spouse can do for you what mine has done for me but it’s often unpredictable. Other variables like church, family, friends and even the news can affect our loved one’s support of our need to transition.

 

I wish you the best and hope for a good outcome with your disclosure and upcoming transition.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Heather Shay]

Told you you would meet some amazing people and your response has been wonderful.

Hugs,

Heather

[EmilyLouise48]

On 12/3/2023 at 12:32 PM, atlantis63 said:

Hello

 

and yes, my username does refer to the ancient city. I do like mythology

 

Hi Atlantis, I remember reading a couple of books about this when I was much younger, not that I can recall much about them. The one thing I do remember, somewhat tangentially, is the board game Escape from Atlantis, loved playing that game as a kid!!

 

On 12/3/2023 at 12:58 AM, EasyE said:

this is really tough on our wives (mine is totally freaked out just by the fact I like to wear women's clothes)

 

I can imagine that happens frequently to a lot of us. A previous relationship immediately prior to meeting my wife abruptly ended when I mentioned enjoying wearing women's clothes after she started asking what I was into (I'm pretty vanilla, just panicked and ended up blurting it out), the relationship was dead within two weeks. My wife is aware of this, that previous experience meant I admitted that I like to dress to her very early on before we got serious (nothing more than that though). To start with she was very supportive, helping me choose clothes to buy, assisted in depilating my legs and doing my make up. But over time I could tell she resented it so I stopped trying to share it with her.

 

18 hours ago, Timi Shiels said:

I had already broken the ground with my wife by communicating fairly regularly as I acknowledged my feminine personality traits (compassionate, empathetic, vulnerable, warm-hearted, collaborative, sensitive, the list goes on and on.) Then as I learned more about the word transgender really meant, I talked about that with her and said that technically, that word describes me.(She does not like that word). 

 

 

This feels very similar, I've never been a 'manly' man at all, a lot of things that men are generally into I've no interest in, conversely my wife is not what you would call a 'girly' girl (her own words when we first started dating), she has no interest in fashion, never wears make-up and again not much interest in anything that women usually are. She does however like reading and watching anything to do with serial killers and murderers.... I'm never quite sure if I should be worried about this!

 

11 hours ago, Susan R said:

After 20 years, I was forced to make a change. Continuing to live as a man became such a painful burden and made the decision to transition.

 

This is exactly me, though if I hadn't had that conversation with a work colleague, I'm sure I would still be burying all of these feelings and convincing myself it's fine to remain the way I am and certainly not here interacting with you wonderful people. It felt as though I had conditioned myself to accept what fate had decreed for me and it needed someone to look me in the eye and say 'it is okay to want to live your life for you and not other people' for me to finally realise what I needed to do. (There were a lot of tears from me during that conversation, she was so lovely and understanding whilst I sobbed my heart out!!)

 

10 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

Told you you would meet some amazing people and your response has been wonderful.

 

You were so right!! You have all been so lovely and welcoming, I'm glad I chose to join and I'm sure your support will be invaluable to me going forwards! Thank you everyone. Emily x

[EasyE]

9 minutes ago, EmilyLouise48 said:

my wife is not what you would call a 'girly' girl (her own words when we first started dating), she has no interest in fashion, never wears make-up and again not much interest in anything that women usually are.

This is my wife as well. She was a tom-boy growing up, hated playing with dolls, was all-state in soccer and was proud that she played baseball with the boys until she was 13 (her being athletic was very attractive to me) ... She's more mechanically inclined than I am and more authoritative. Really, we used to joke that we flip the roles in a lot of ways. Not such a joke anymore though now that I am more "out"...

 

A few months after sharing with her about my feminine dimension, she admitted to me that when she was real young she "wanted to be a boy". I flipped out. So how is this different from what I am describing?!?!?!?! But for her it was more about being denied access to sports - girls sports were still kind of frowned upon in the '80s and she was being told to focus on girl stuff, dolls, etc...

 

I thought I might get some empathy from her since I feel like I am being barred from feminine realms. But to her, my stuff is about being sexually deviant, anti-Christian, perverted, etc. Me being a porn addict for a long time (sober for 12 years now, praise God!) certainly doesn't help my cause. She sees this as being of the same thread...

[EmilyLouise48]

@EasyE There is definitely a lot of crossover between our respective wives! Mine is also more authoritative and much quicker to anger too, she is also very pragmatic and forthright. She is more likely to enflame a situation where I'm trying to be the peacemaker which very much feels like we are just role reversing being female/male.

I can only sympathise regarding the rest. Her admitting 'wanting to be a boy' when younger at least shows she can understand these feelings even if the root cause of them is different. I hope that between you, you are able to reach an understanding that works for you both but I sense that it will be a difficult process. I'm sure everyone here will support you and I hope you have someone irl who you can talk to when things are tough. Take care EasyE.

[EasyE]

3 hours ago, EmilyLouise48 said:

@EasyE There is definitely a lot of crossover between our respective wives! Mine is also more authoritative and much quicker to anger too, she is also very pragmatic and forthright. She is more likely to enflame a situation where I'm trying to be the peacemaker which very much feels like we are just role reversing being female/male.

Are we married to the same person? 😄😁

[EmilyLouise48]

I just wanted to add a little update on a couple of positive things that have happened to me the last few days.

I found a therapist that I feel will be a good fit for me, had an introductory telephone conversation with her a couple of days ago, which went well. She asked very early if I had a preferred name, and for the first time ever to another person I said 'Can you call me Emily, please?'. And she did! Every time she used my name I had this warm fuzzy feeling inside I almost started crying, it was a deeply impactful moment and one I will cherish. Just sorting out the details for my first session which will likely be sometime after Christmas considering how close it is but it is another step forward.

I'd also contacted my GP surgery for an appointment to discuss referral to a Gender Identity Clinc (GIC) the NHS operated centres. I had a phone call with one of the doctors this morning, who told me that he looked after any transgender patients for the GP surgery (I had no idea my surgery had someone dedicated to us!). He asked what had brought me to this decision and if I knew much about the process. I explained how and why I'd reached this point and knew I needed a GP referral to the GIC to get on to the waiting list (the average waiting time for a first appointment to a GIC is anywhere from 2 to 5-6 years or longer depending on the clinic you are referred to!). He explained some things and asked some questions as to whether I knew where I wanted to go with this or if I was still trying to work it out, I explained that my goal would be to transition fully. He then said he would arrange a face to face appointment early in the new year so that we could fill out the referral forms and start the process.

This was another positive experience for me and I feel so lucky as I've read that not all GPs are so understanding and helpful, some are very obstructive even though they are obliged to refer us when we ask. Considering the waiting times I've been looking at self-referral to a private clinic, which the doctor briefly touched upon as a possibility, more research needed I think!!

I feel truly blessed that all of my interactions so far have been so positive, I know this cannot last but it has certainly helped!

Emily x

[Timi]

Hi Emily! Thank you for sharing all this good news! What a nice way to start the weekend. I'm rooting for you!

 

-Timi

[Karen Carey]

Hi Emily.

 

Good news indeed.  I remember that warm fuzzy feeling, and I still get it. I had the same encouraging reaction from my GP earlier this year too. You mentioned the possibility of a private referral.  I have gone that route and can thoroughly recommend GenderCare. 

 

 

Karen

[EmilyLouise48]

Hi Karen,

 

Thank you for your words and info, I'm glad your experience with your GP was as positive as mine. Interestingly, when we discussed the private options my doctor actually mentioned a number of his trans patients had positive experiences with GenderCare!! I think based on your recommendation and what the doctor said I'm going to look into them first. Thank you very much!

Emily x

[Karen Carey]

Hi Emily.

 

If you have any questions not covered on GC's website you are welcome to pm me. I will try to answer them.

 

Karen

[EmilyLouise48]

Thank you Karen, I will bear that in mind!

 

Emily x

[DeeDee]

What a lovely Christmas present to yourself Emily!