Mtf transitioning noob 😊

[_-yeah_nah-_]

 

Hi 👋 From Sydney Au

I have cPTSD-SP with severe panic attacks + depression + anxiety & gender dysphoria 

currently transitioning mtf early stages.

looking for support/friends, Meeting good people +don't really want burnt bridges along the way.

 

My situation

I recently came out unplanned. Kinda just happened, and I'm getting the initial back lash atm..

It has caused problems, though.

I'm married + have a young toddler, and let's just say wife isn't understanding. She Kicked me out, I've seen him a couple of times, he's changing so much 😫 It's been a month, longest month of my life.

Gender dysphoria is so fukd.

[KymmieL]

Welcome You will find nothing but support here on TP. You will meet great people who are/ have been in the same situation.

 

Kymmie

[Ashley0616]

You are in the right spot here. Plenty of support. A lot of people don't understand it, so they go against it; so, they go against it. 

[LoRez]

I sympathize with you! I'm in a very similar boat, if you will. While my wife can't "kick me out" of my house, she can pack-up and leave - taking my 3yo twin boys with her. I posted my history here: 

 

Sadly, the only reason my wife hasn't already lived up to her promise to move out: "can't afford it." Still, the relationship I have with her has turned sour. As long as I can enable my wife to "pretend" I don't exist (as a woman in my own house), I can continue to have bonding experiences with my twin boys.

 

• Will your wife allow you to have time to discuss how each of you see a future (together or otherwise)?
• Have you considered first thinking about it from her point-of-view before approaching her on an emotional level?
• If your wife is more of an analytical type, have you constructed all the details to walk her through your (perhaps repressed) tramas and build the case for why MtF transition is the only way forward?

Your spouse may wonder: 

• Do you still love me?
• Why do you want to dress as a woman?
• Do you want to be a woman?
• Are you gay?
• Can you keep that aspect of your life away from our kid(s)?

[AllieJ]

1 hour ago, LoRez said:

 

Your spouse may wonder: 

• Do you still love me?
• Why do you want to dress as a woman?
• Do you want to be a woman?
• Are you gay?
• Can you keep that aspect of your life away from our kid(s)?

 

Spousal relationships are among the toughest challenges for trans people, and most often don't work out. LoRez has identified the most common thoughts, and most revolve around the belief that you are choosing to be trans. This is simply not the case, as the evidence shows that we are born with incongruent gender identity, and the resultant dysphoria is life threatening. She likely believes that you want to play at being a woman for your pleasure, and the anger comes from her believing you are choosing your pleasure at the cost of her future and happiness. If you can convince her that this is a medical condition you need to treat, you may have some chance of gaining her support. Would she support you through cancer? 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

 

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum!! You've had some great advice so far. Take the time to wander around the threads - there is an amazing amount of information here...and lots of wonderful people!!!

[Heather Shay]

I couldn't say it better than Allie. I went through mental hell hoping and praying my spouse would accept me and it was a long process but worth it. Be compassionate and continue to plant good seeds. I wish you the best. There is only one person you can control so be good to yourself. Your journey has been a very difficult one.

Hugs

[Timi]

@_-yeah_nah-_ Thank you for sharing and welcome. 

 

To kinda echo what's been said in some wonderful welcoming messages, we did not choose to be transgifted (a term I just came about and sometimes like) and we certainly did not have any say in the stupid "rules" that most of our cultures have that deny our right to exist and force us to live lies from our earliest days. 

 

We shouldn't have to "come out." My opinion, we should be honored for our superpower. 

 

You are an amazing person. Know that we see you as an amazing person. 

 

-Timi

[April Marie]

23 hours ago, Timi said:

@_-yeah_nah-_ Thank you for sharing and welcome. 

 

To kinda echo what's been said in some wonderful welcoming messages, we did not choose to be transgifted (a term I just came about and sometimes like) and we certainly did not have any say in the stupid "rules" that most of our cultures have that deny our right to exist and force us to live lies from our earliest days. 

 

We shouldn't have to "come out." My opinion, we should be honored for our superpower. 

 

You are an amazing person. Know that we see you as an amazing person. 

 

-Timi

Timi,

 

I related your term. "transgifted" to my therapist yesterday. She thought it was just awesome. Thank you for sharing it with us...and I love being a Super Hero!

[Timi]

49 minutes ago, April Marie said:

Timi,

 

I related your term. "transgifted" to my therapist yesterday. She thought it was just awesome. Thank you for sharing it with us...and I love being a Super Hero!

April Marie and All, 

 

I came across the word "transgifted" in Eben Esther Pirelli Benestad's letter in the book "To My Trans Sisters" edited by Charlie Craigs.  That book is such a comfort to me - and before I found this place - it was my lifeline. It's a compilation of 85 inspirational letters by highly successful Trans Woman sharing their lessons learned. 

 

-Timi

[Timi]

57 minutes ago, April Marie said:

...and I love being a Super Hero!

One day last spring, back when I was just "Tim", I walked into my priest's office early one Sunday morning, as is my custom. One of the two of us is the first to arrive, I because I set up a bunch of music gear and her because she writes her sermon at the last minute. We alway check in with each other, and that morning I shared how I had been feeling very emotional and sensitive lately. She looked me in the eye and said, "That is your SUPERPOWER. Don't let ANYONE try to tell you otherwise."

 

That was one of the first rumblings of me, with the support of some real angels, beginning to acknowledge and accept who I truly am - a beautiful and uncommon mix of Feminine and masculine (relative capital letters are intentional), who is just trying to "get my head screwed on straight" as my mom used to say LOL.

 

-Timi

[EasyE]

On 12/13/2023 at 2:12 AM, AllieJ said:

 

Spousal relationships are among the toughest challenges for trans people, and most often don't work out. LoRez has identified the most common thoughts, and most revolve around the belief that you are choosing to be trans. This is simply not the case, as the evidence shows that we are born with incongruent gender identity, and the resultant dysphoria is life threatening. She likely believes that you want to play at being a woman for your pleasure, and the anger comes from her believing you are choosing your pleasure at the cost of her future and happiness. If you can convince her that this is a medical condition you need to treat, you may have some chance of gaining her support. Would she support you through cancer? 

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

 

I am most interested in learning more about this aspect of it, for myself and for my marriage sake ... you are describing my wife -- she thinks I am choosing clothes, etc. over her selfishly and that is all a big sexual fetish/deviancy (alas I have a history of porn addiction, so I thought the same thing for awhile myself and still may have some doubts about why I do all of this)...

 

I have surprised even myself with how determined I have been over the past year taking steps toward more crossdressing, more public feminine expression, exploring HRT, even though I know how great the costs are/may be. I often battle myself over the why - am i just determined "to do what I want to do for my own pleasure" or is there something greater at work that has been there all along?

[EasyE]

3 hours ago, Timi said:

... beginning to acknowledge and accept who I truly am - a beautiful and uncommon mix of Feminine and masculine (relative capital letters are intentional), who is just trying to "get my head screwed on straight" as my mom used to say LOL.

 

-Timi

yes yes yes !! i relate!!! 

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, EasyE said:

alas I have a history of porn addiction, so I thought the same thing for awhile myself

I think this is not uncommon.  I finally realized that I didn't want to be with the woman, I wanted to be the woman.

[Timi]

32 minutes ago, Ivy said:

 I didn't want to be with the woman, I wanted to be the woman.

That’s pretty much how I felt from the time I saw my parents’ Playboy magazines at the tender age of 7 or so. I still remember the cartoon from way back in 1968 or so - the king  and queen in bed, the queen in ecstasy, the king saying in alarm, “Whatever do you mean??? Female orgasm???” and I was so mesmerized and curious as to what it meant. 

[Maddee]

On 12/11/2023 at 7:21 AM, _-yeah_nah-_ said:

 

Hi 👋 From Sydney Au

I have cPTSD-SP with severe panic attacks + depression + anxiety & gender dysphoria 

currently transitioning mtf early stages.

looking for support/friends, Meeting good people +don't really want burnt bridges along the way.

 

My situation

I recently came out unplanned. Kinda just happened, and I'm getting the initial back lash atm..

It has caused problems, though.

I'm married + have a young toddler, and let's just say wife isn't understanding. She Kicked me out, I've seen him a couple of times, he's changing so much 😫 It's been a month, longest month of my life.

Gender dysphoria is so fukd.

Welcome. 
Hope that maybe in time this can work out for you and your family.

Strength, peace  and good luck be with you 🌈🌈

 

[Timi]

5 hours ago, EasyE said:

... I have surprised even myself with how determined I have been over the past year taking steps toward more crossdressing, more public feminine expression, exploring HRT, even though I know how great the costs are/may be. I often battle myself over the why - am i just determined "to do what I want to do for my own pleasure" or is there something greater at work that has been there all along?

Crossdressing is one of those things that I have suppressed so much that it is unreckoned with. In my mid teens I did some underdressing but gave that up quickly as a dreadful fear and shame set in as to what would happen if I were caught. That fear factor always set in during later times in life when I dressed or underdressed. But if I put aside the memories of fear and see what else I felt ... I don't think I could say it better that Hannah McKnight's essay on the Pink Fog (https://hannahmcknight.org/2019/04/12/the-pink-fog/)

 

"Like most of our partners she had a difficult time understanding why I loved wearing bras and stockings and, truth be told, I don’t understand it either but after decades of dressing I decided there was no real reason and that I had accepted there wasn’t one.

 

(We say there is no reason but let’s be honest, there are millions of reasons.  We feel beautiful when we dress, we love the feeling of soft clothing, we love waking up in a nightie, we love the…power that an amazing pair of stilettos gives, we love the hypnotic effect of eyeliner…)

 

So, yes, there are reasons we love this.

 

[Timi]

And speaking of Hannah McKnight, dang, this latest from her seems to touch on so much we've been talking about. And has a really good song to boot. https://hannahmcknight.org/2023/12/13/when-i-was-a-boy/

[blackpanther]

So glad you shared. So important you believe you are not a mistake but a gift from a higher power. Up front I am a mtf lesbian woman.

From birth I was dysphoric. From toddlerhood to the end of the 2nd grade I behaved as any typical early 50's little girl. Any chance I had I would wear girl friends dresses.  Caused me all kinds of problems with both their siblings and parents.. My mother loved and accepted me. My father was a brilliant engineer, member of "the greatest generation" and "cold warrior". His solution was to ignore me. After years of verbal and physical abuse starting in kindergarten by both male siblings and teachers I was subject to a near fatal attack by the older brother of a neighbor girl who was one of my few friends. As a result I decided to become what everyone clearly wanted me to be. So started the 40 year suppression of my true self and the creation of the persona of a risk taking, hard headed "man's man". As a child I had no idea that the task I set myself was impossible. As we all know our true self will not be jailed forever.

 

At 45 after my wife of 25 yrs learned the truth we divorced. My life economically and socially blew up. Suffering unknowingly from clinical depression I called it quits and attempted suicide. Only a miraculous rescue saved me.

 

What I am trying to get at is if your story is in anyway similar to mine do not let that imaginary "man" stop that beautiful woman you are from blossoming to her fullest! I continued to fight with him for another 10 years. As said he was hard headed and WOULD have his way. He ultimately lost but I wasted precious time and happiness. Had it not been for the woman I love who came into my life during that time I have no idea where I would be today. She has supported me 110 percent in letting my womanhood flower. We all need someone to help us to bear such an unfair burden. Until you find someone I suspect, although I am new to this forum, that we are all here to help you through. PLEASE, PLEASE if suicidal thoughts come your way get help. Clinical depression untreated is FATAL!

 

[Ivy]

Welcome Blackpanther.

1 hour ago, blackpanther said:

As a result I decided to become what everyone clearly wanted me to be.

I think a lot of us from that era felt that this was our only choice.

[Rishaya]

Gender dysphoria has its specific diagosis code in the ICD-10,,the book that lists all the medical diagnoses that doctors use.  It is there because it’s a medical condition.  That’s why it is treated medically with drugs and surgery.

 

it is formed when you’re a fetus.   Our sense of our bodies is created in the brain in the first trimester, our sense of self is created in the second trimester.   When the two conflict, you have us.   We are born with it.

[AllieJ]

On 12/15/2023 at 4:20 AM, EasyE said:

I am most interested in learning more about this aspect of it, for myself and for my marriage sake ... you are describing my wife -- she thinks I am choosing clothes, etc. over her selfishly and that is all a big sexual fetish/deviancy (alas I have a history of porn addiction, so I thought the same thing for awhile myself and still may have some doubts about why I do all of this)...

 

I have surprised even myself with how determined I have been over the past year taking steps toward more crossdressing, more public feminine expression, exploring HRT, even though I know how great the costs are/may be. I often battle myself over the why - am i just determined "to do what I want to do for my own pleasure" or is there something greater at work that has been there all along?

 

Easy E, we don't choose to do thing like 'crossdressing' , we are simply responding to dysphoria like you would pulling you hand away from a flame! The stress of dysphoria can reach overwhelming levels, it took me to the point of starting to shut down my body systems. Affirming actions weren't just an overwhelming urge for me, they were survival actions. I foolishly took resisting dysphoria to extreme levels, but when we realise that dysphoria and doing something about is is affecting our lives and putting the things we love at risk, it is time to realise we need to make serious changes in our lives. 

 

My wife saw me going through this, she spoke to my doctor who was not confident of my survival, and she argued with me to continue with HRT, as she realised the consequences. She supported me through transition because she believed it was necessary for my survival, but she couldn't stay with me after my GRS because she felt I was the 'ghost' of the man she loved. Losing her was devastating to me, but I now realise it was inevitable for me to survive. As it was, the stress of transition, losing my wife, and my job, caused me to have a heart attack and 2 cardiac arrests. This is how serious gender incongruence can get, so I now realise we need to address these pressures before they become critical.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[EasyE]

4 hours ago, AllieJ said:

 

Easy E, we don't choose to do thing like 'crossdressing' , we are simply responding to dysphoria like you would pulling you hand away from a flame! The stress of dysphoria can reach overwhelming levels, it took me to the point of starting to shut down my body systems. Affirming actions weren't just an overwhelming urge for me, they were survival actions. I foolishly took resisting dysphoria to extreme levels, but when we realise that dysphoria and doing something about is is affecting our lives and putting the things we love at risk, it is time to realise we need to make serious changes in our lives. 

 

My wife saw me going through this, she spoke to my doctor who was not confident of my survival, and she argued with me to continue with HRT, as she realised the consequences. She supported me through transition because she believed it was necessary for my survival, but she couldn't stay with me after my GRS because she felt I was the 'ghost' of the man she loved. Losing her was devastating to me, but I now realise it was inevitable for me to survive. As it was, the stress of transition, losing my wife, and my job, caused me to have a heart attack and 2 cardiac arrests. This is how serious gender incongruence can get, so I now realise we need to address these pressures before they become critical.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

Not sure folks in the mainstream realize any of this ... i know a lot of it is new to me ... thank you for sharing ... 

[Timi]

28 minutes ago, EasyE said:

Not sure folks in the mainstream realize any of this ... i know a lot of it is new to me ... thank you for sharing ... 

Yes - so much new to me too. Thank you so much for sharing, @AllieJ. 
 

-Tim

[AllieJ]

56 minutes ago, Timi said:

Yes - so much new to me too. Thank you so much for sharing, @AllieJ. 
 

-Tim

Thank you, I have been battling dysphoria all my life, in the early years there was very little information around, so I had to try different things to enable me to start to figure things out. I thought I had worked out how to manage my dysphoria, but all I did was put off actually doing what I needed to get over it. It escalated things, to the point of being life threatening. I hope that 65 years of trying to figure this out, and almost dying, at least gave me the answers which might help others.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie