My concept of transition

[Rishaya]

To me, transition is a process, not an end point.   So, I have taken steps in that process.  Most of my electrosis was done 50 yrs ago and now my face is completely clear.  I’ve slowly changed my body over the past 5 years.  11 months taking estradiol (stopped when I had a stroke), then maybe 3 years on spiro, then an orchi.    Five years later I can pass as cis at the beach!   Yay!

 

Socially, I’m comfortable in just about any cis situation but I’m not full time, just go to meetup parties, lunch with friends, taking the train to Boston end of Jan.

 

BUT, I’m not fulltime!   And no legal transition either.   It worked fot many years but now my dysphoria is much bigger and it’s time for the rest of transition, but my dillema is my wife of 35 years says she’ll leave me if I do.  It’s been slow and I’m ready for the rest but I’m stuck

[Louise B]

Rishaya, I am somewhat similar in my journey.  The signal to transition full time is growing stronger and stronger, but wife is not supportive.  She is not threatening to leave me, but it is clear she does not want this to happen.

 

What I am trying to do is evaluate, and if true accept, that the dysphoria is on a growth curve so this transition IS going to be happening at some point.  So if that much is true, it is far better to transition now than wait until there is no practical choice.  I already regret how much of my life as a woman has been forfeit by delay.

[Rishaya]

I also regret that I didn’t transition earlier.  I’m,72

[Louise B]

I am 70.  Transition takes time, from start to finish.  Time is running out.  It is time to start, or accept maleness forever.  To me, that is not a choice.

[VickySGV]

In less than a month, I will be 76, and while I have been out 15 years, I agree that NOW is as good a time as you will EVER have.  You go girl!!

[Ivy]

I'm 73.  I live full time, but still have to shave, which bothers me a lot.  My wife and I parted before my egg cracked - although there were signs.  I find that I am getting misgendered less frequently these days - but I don't count on it.

I'm not sure I would be here if I were still married though.  It hurt like hell, but the split was actually liberating in my case.  But to be honest, it still hurts.  I'm trying to build a new life, but it's not always easy.

I am actually happy as Ivy, but there is so much baggage from the past.

[AllieJ]

I have struggled with a concept of 'Transition', as when I worked things out, I didn't 'want' to be a woman, or a man either. I never considered myself a man, and my main desire was to be pregnant. It took many years of sleepless nights for me to realise that what I actually needed was to reduce my dysphoria.

 

So I transitioned to living as a woman to reduce my dysphoria. TBH, I had a better life living as a male. Social transition lowered my dysphoria significantly, but GAS made the most difference. So much so, that after my surgery, I considered trying to go back to my male life. I reasoned that if my dysphoria remained low, I could regain all the things I lost by transitioning. But I could sense my wife would leave me anyway, and I had put my loved ones through enough to accept transition once, it would be cruel to put them through it again.

 

I never saw myself as a man, and will never see myself as a woman, so 'transition' doesn't seem to fit. All I did was reduce my dysphoria, and there doesn't seem to be a term for that!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I guess for me its gradual too.  Mostly because I don't 100% know myself.  And there's also limitations on what's possible.  I'm intersex, born into a body that doesn't fit.  I didn't make a very good girl, and I know I don't make a very good boy.  I lean toward the boy side now, but I can only go so far.  I'm limited medically due to unique anatomy, and also by my dislike of medical processes and my faith which discourages body modification without a lot of thought. 

 

My process started as a teenager, I just didn't know it.  Lesbian me transformed into bisexual female me, which has transformed into androgynous me.  Definitely not girl.  While I pass as a boy, its in a teenage form rather than my real age.  That probably won't change until I get gray hairs, and I'll put that off as long as possible because I definitely don't know what I'll do then. 

[Birdie]

My childhood was spent with long haired and being raised much like a little girl. Grandma taught me sewing, knitting, cooking, baking, and even making wedding dresses and catering weddings. 

Her intersex grandchild could be anything she wanted to be.

 

About 17 things changed when Dad took over my upbringings. Boy-mode was pretty much beaten into me by a stepmother as well. 

 

I 'transitioned' to boy-mode at the age of 17 including testosterone treatments. I spent 45 years in that transitioned state. 

I don't see myself as trans now, I was trans then. I simply went back to being the little intersex girl I was in my youth. 

 

I never had the body for boy-mode anyways. I have had wide hips, large breasts, and had to squat to pee. 

[EasyE]

I am 52. I am not sure what I am transitioning into but I know there has been a thread of feminine ... something ... that has weaved its way through my entire life. For the longest time I thought it was just an enchantment with wearing women's undergarments (which I felt great shame about). Over the last 18 months or so I have realized it is a whole lot more than underwear. But what is it?

 

The egg cracked and there is no going back to the old me ... I am not attracted to men at all in a sexual way. I am VERY attracted to females but I also find myself wanting to "put on" the feminine. I can "check out" a beautiful woman and also yearn to wear the clothes that she has on ... 

 

I am still married but my wife and I are separated/estranged mostly because of this issue (I came out to her as having a strong feminine dimension/being a cross-dresser just before Easter of this year) ... I love my two teen-age daughters and love being their dad. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I am their dad (literally I fathered them), not their mom. But yet if I could trade out my "plumbing" for the female version going forward I would do it in a second!!.

 

I have an appointment with an endo tomorrow afternoon to discuss MTF HRT. I would love to have a more feminine body, as much as I can get away with. Breasts? Sure. More curves? Yep. Softer skin, smaller male parts, lower libido? Yes, yes, yes! If the endo writes me a script for estrogen, I can see myself jumping at the chance to fill that prescription immediately! ... But I don't necessarily want to function in society as a female either... 

 

It's all so confusing. And excruciating because I feel like I have to make a definitive choice at some point, and no matter the choice I am going to lose something/someone - parts of myself and/or relationships with the people that I love the most ... 

[Louise B]

Easy E,  

 

You WILL have to make a definitive choice.  You DO NOT have to make it right now.  See if HRT and lower libido make transition less important to you.  That may be a clue that your journey is a different road.   I imagine it is possible that to some bio males, there is a sexual enchantment with becoming female that is not quite the same as a true preference to permanently live as female.  If it is sexual in nature, perhaps that desire will fade with the libido.

 

And this is not to say I doubt you are trans.  I really lack the info to say so.  These are just some thoughts as to the clues you can look for.  I knew of one man who believed he really wanted to be a woman, then upon having an orchi he instantly knew he made a horrifying mistake.

 

At age 52, hormones will have a reduced impact on fat redistribution.  So while you may see some movement on breasts and hips, it could conceivably be so minimal that it will not show when you wear outer clothing.

 

One step at a time.  But if your doc agrees, take that next single step and then re-evaluate.

[EasyE]

1 hour ago, Louise B said:

Easy E,  

 

You WILL have to make a definitive choice.  You DO NOT have to make it right now.  See if HRT and lower libido make transition less important to you.  That may be a clue that your journey is a different road.   I imagine it is possible that to some bio males, there is a sexual enchantment with becoming female that is not quite the same as a true preference to permanently live as female.  If it is sexual in nature, perhaps that desire will fade with the libido.

 

And this is not to say I doubt you are trans.  I really lack the info to say so.  These are just some thoughts as to the clues you can look for.  I knew of one man who believed he really wanted to be a woman, then upon having an orchi he instantly knew he made a horrifying mistake.

 

At age 52, hormones will have a reduced impact on fat redistribution.  So while you may see some movement on breasts and hips, it could conceivably be so minimal that it will not show when you wear outer clothing.

 

One step at a time.  But if your doc agrees, take that next single step and then re-evaluate.

Good words. Thank you!! 

[Rishaya]

My body is almost as feminine as I want, adequate breasts and orchi.  I pass well with no indication read me as trans.   How well I’ll see in few weeks when I go to a couple of all female meetup events.   My first KoffeeKlatch!

I have a lot of experience out in the world, so I would need little adjustment,

 

So, I’ve transitioned quite far without living full time and doing the legal stuff.   So all I’d have to do is start living as myself and start the legal stuff.

 

Why not do it, my wife tells me she’d leave.

[Ivy]

12 hours ago, Rishaya said:

Why not do it, my wife tells me she’d leave.

Sigh.  So much of our life is bigger than ourselves.

[Louise B]

When the irresistible force meets the immovable object, one of them will have to give way.  So even if it is unthinkable to give up transition or marriage, it seems that you will have to choose one or the other.

 

But also be aware that "to decide not to decide is to decide."

 

Consider couples counseling if you think there is a chance that might help her overcome her position.

[Rishaya]

Thanks ladies.

[Sally Stone]

On 12/26/2023 at 5:48 PM, EasyE said:

It's all so confusing. And excruciating because I feel like I have to make a definitive choice at some point

Easy E, Personally, I don't think you have to make a definitive choice.  I think it is okay to live a life with two distinct personalities residing inside, and cater to the needs of both.  However, I also get that this choice can be problematic, since it doesn't align with the overpowering social concept that gender is binary.  Everything about our society supports a gender binary, so I understand why we feel pressure to choose one gender over the other.

 

I identify with so many of your comments, obviously, we are a lot alike.  I have discovered that by embracing my bi-gender nature, I am much happier and overall, quite content.  My hope for you is that you find a way to be comfortable in your own skin.  

[EasyE]

9 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

Easy E, Personally, I don't think you have to make a definitive choice.  I think it is okay to live a life with two distinct personalities residing inside, and cater to the needs of both.  However, I also get that this choice can be problematic, since it doesn't align with the overpowering social concept that gender is binary.  Everything about our society supports a gender binary, so I understand why we feel pressure to choose one gender over the other.

 

I identify with so many of your comments, obviously, we are a lot alike.  I have discovered that by embracing my bi-gender nature, I am much happier and overall, quite content.  My hope for you is that you find a way to be comfortable in your own skin.  

what wonderful words, Sally, and thank you for taking time to write them ... i am so blessed to be walking this path with new, kind friends, even if the road we share is virtual ...

[Charleigh Dakota]

On 12/26/2023 at 8:48 PM, EasyE said:

It's all so confusing. And excruciating because I feel like I have to make a definitive choice at some point, and no matter the choice I am going to lose something/someone - parts of myself and/or relationships with the people that I love the most ... 

Hi @EasyE. I totally understand where you are coming from here, as I have faced those same fears recently. But, in my own personal experience, which of course varies for us all, I was fortunate enough to be accepted by everyone in my life, minus about 47 of 50 male coworkers in a strongly male career. Those "friends" turned out not to be friends after all so no harm no foul because in exchange for my lost "male friends'', I have found several female friends at work instead and I have never been happier with my work life. On the note of family...my southern Baptist mother and her pastor husband have yet to find out but my thought on this entire thing is this.... I would rather lose others...than lose myself. Also.... "You cant lose what you never had"...so take some time to prioritize what and how is truly the most important (hint: YOU) and remember that those that deserve to have you in their life will still be in your life no matter what you look like on the outside because after all, as my lovely wife put it when I came out to her as a trans female... "You're the same wonderful gift, you're just wrapped in different wrapping paper". ❤️