Hello and thanks from the midwest

[LateToEden]

Hi everyone. This is my first post and I wanted to say thanks for being here. Due to a childhood full of religious trauma, I didn't realize I wasn't straight until my early 30s. When I cam out as pan I thought "I was so certain of my heterosexuality despite a lifetime of pretty gay thoughts and actions, maybe I should take a moment to consider my status as a 'man'." My "questioning" phase went something like this: "Am I a man? ...I guess. Let's never think of this again." In the year and a half since I came out as pan this was working fine... enough. Until this Thanksgiving.

 

Growing up I spent a lot of time with my cousins. It was me and four girls. We grew apart as we got older, but this year we all got together for Thanksgiving for the first time in probably a decade. Our family is dysfunctional to say the least, but we got to talking and decided we all like each other so we should reconnect without all of our parents. It was nice. But throughout the night everyone was reminiscing about our childhood and I was extremely uncomfortable and always ready to change the subject. When I told my therapist the following week he asked why and (I don't know how to explain this any better) my brain completely shut down. Like it would not allow me to think about the answer. It freaked me out really bad, and made me think about how I really have very few memories at all of my childhood. I always assumed it was because I was bullied pretty relentlessly and some other family issues that I won't go into. But over the next few days I thought really hard about why my brain completely rejected this line of questioning.

 

It's been two weeks and I've figured a few things out, but I'm having trouble with the sheer amount of VERY NOT CIS thoughts I have been flooded with from seemingly out of nowhere. I don't even know where to begin honestly but it's really overwhelming and confusing and despite the fact that I have many trans people in my life I'm too scared to ask them questions because I'm worried that all of these thoughts snuck up on me at 35 and real trans girls always knew. Not to mention all of the other reasons being trans in America in 2023 is terrifying.

 

I don't know if this is the right place to post about this, so sorry if this was just supposed to be a light getting to know you. Just in case, I like movies (give me some good horror recommendations please), music (I recently discovered mewithoutyou and Torches Together is a perfect song), and Magic the Gathering (I will talk about my pet cards forever if allowed). Thanks for letting me hang until I can figure some stuff out.

 

Uh, I guess you can call me Eve.

[Audrey]

Dear Eve, it is lovely to meet you and welcome to the forums. Here you will find a wonderfully safe and supportive space to express your thoughts and feelings. Many of us relate to the impacts our upbringing and childhoods had on the courses our lives took into adulthood. It is never too late to know yourself,  and your lived experience is just as real and just as valid as anyone else. I am confident you will find solidarity with all of us here.

 

I am also an MTG player, and a fellow Midwesterner from Minnesota!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Heather Shay]

Hello Eve,

 

Know you've found an oasis of love and understanding here. I'm so glad you are here and your journey is not unlike mine and I'm sure several friends here. I'm so glad you found us and welcome, welcome, welcome.

[Mmindy]

Good morning Eve, 

Welcome to TransPulseForums, you are in a safe space to ask questions and share your thoughts about your experiences and journey. 
 

Best wishes, stay positive and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[April Marie]

Welcome Eve!! This is the perfect place to question, to explore and to learn. It's filled with wonderful people across the entire LGBTQ+ spectrum.

 

ANd, you'll find many of us who, for many different reasons, began the journey of discovery later...or late... in life. I went through decades of self-denial, dysphoria and depression until finally beginning to understand who I really am at age 67. So, never feel like you're too late.

 

We are, each of us, unique and bring transgender is not a fixed spot on a line. It can mean totally different things to each of us. The key is to find the you that makes you happy.

 

 

[Timi]

8 hours ago, LateToEden said:

 … I'm having trouble with the sheer amount of VERY NOT CIS thoughts I have been flooded with from seemingly out of nowhere. I don't even know where to begin honestly but it's really overwhelming and confusing …

Hi Eve!

 

Thank you so much for sharing!

 

The phrase I quoted above really resonates with me. 
 

Last August, when I accepted. acknowledged, and began to intentionally nurture and explore my femininity, and started transitioning to a new life by talking about my femininity with some trusted people close to me, part of wanted to think, “There! Now the hard part is done!”

 

I had no idea that thoughts and feelings would surge from time to time as that long-neglected (and abused) part of me began to grow and assert herself. At one point I named these episodes “Hericanes” because they are so stormy and powerful. 
 

Being here in this community helps a lot. Hearing stories like yours shared freely helps me understand and accept myself. And being able to share my stories with people who truly understand is priceless. 
 

Thank you, and welcome!!!

 

-Timi

[LateToEden]

9 hours ago, Audrey said:

It is never too late to know yourself,  and your lived experience is just as real and just as valid as anyone else.

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful greetings, but I want to thank you specifically Audrey for making me burst into tears. Your words hit me like a bolt of lightning. I have felt so many things in the past few weeks that have made me say "I had no idea" and I had no idea how much I needed to hear this. So much of my life I have had this strange fear that I was missing something. Wasting my time being me when there was some other, mysterious, vital thing that I should be doing instead. I just told my therapist recently "I don't think I know myself very well". I want to know myself. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you so so so much.

 

-Eve

[Ashley0616]

Hi Eve! Glad you found us. Horror recommendations Rise of the Evil Dead was awesome! The last Scream movie was good. I have always a Scream fan since the first one. I'm never disappointed in a Michael Meyers movie. 

[EmilyLouise48]

Hi Eve, it is lovely to meet you. This is a wonderfully welcoming place with so many kind people who have so much knowledge and experiences to share. I've learnt a lot and received advice that has helped me on the start of my journey I'm sure you will find similar here too! Thank you for sharing your story and journey so far!

Emily x

[Mysti]

Eve, follow your heart and you can never go wrong. If you believe you are a woman, then be a woman. Only you can answer that question. Welcome to the forum and enjoy what it offers.