Talking with my mother about changing pre-transition pictures of me in her house

[Audrey]

Hi everyone!

 

As the holidays approach, i anticipate I will see my mother, which I am looking forward to really. She has been extremely supportive of me in my journey. But there is one thing I am concerned about when I see her at home. Last time I was there, she had several old, pre-transition pictures of me in prominent places like the mantle and on bookshelves. They made me pretty uncomfortable. I am not sure she is aware of how they affect me. I did not talk with her about them on my last visit, since my stepfather had died and I was there to attend his remembrance, and she was in a difficult place emotionally. This time I want to speak up about them if she has not changed them - my sense is that she has not. Has anyone worked through this with a parent? I want to be sensitive to her, but it feels like an anchor to the past and is invalidating to me.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Mirrabooka]

Hey there @Audrey, I haven't been in this exact position (I'm not 'out' but I did lose my father this year) but I'm thinking that your mother is simply trying to cling to the memories of a distant past where life for her, in her eyes, was better. It seems like she is unaware of how those pictures affect you. I don't think she is displaying the pictures of your former self maliciously.

 

Maybe when you see her you might be able to have a conversation that includes questions like how she has moved on? What is she doing now to embrace life as it is now? Does she accept her life as it is at the moment? What are her plans for the future, etc. You could then say something like, "This is you now, and this is me now!" 

 

Good luck. 💗 

[Audrey]

Thank you @Mirrabooka for your reply. I agree that my mother has no malicious intent and that she is likely not imagining the impact on me. The thing is, I do not sense she feels the past was "better" or that I was "better" (off) if I had never come out or transitioned. My happiness is pretty obvious, I hope, and I know she would not wish me back into depression or anxiety. I have been thinking making a shared experience by taking new pictures and making new memories... that might be a nice gesture for the holidays. Like something has been gained rather than lost. I have no interest in destroying the past by getting rid of anything associated with that time or my dead name, perhaps she is afraid I feel like that.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Keera]

Hi Audrey My name is Keera.I live a long way from you in the country of Ireland.I only joined yesterday and this is my first involvement in the forum.Your letter seems to confirm to me that only those who experience the transgender phenomenon can really understand it.So your dear mother has been very supportive of you her child and that's wonderful but the pictures for her are a truer representation of what she understands her child to have looked like down the years.My advice don't look at those photos when you go home and let her enjoy those memories as she sees them.Sorry if I got a bit entangled for my first effort!

Love from Keera

[AllieJ]

Audrey, don't let those feelings about your past affect you now, or into the future. Those photos are from times past, and likely cherished by your mother as she cherishes you now. Let her have her memories, and build new memories with your new self!

 

Although I was badly affected by dysphoria all my life, I am proud of who I was, and how I managed to get through those times. My wife left me a couple of years ago, and when I was deciding which pictures to put up on my walls, I found some of my old self at special times in my life. These were memories of times I never want to lose, so they are now on my wall to remind me that there were some good times in my former life.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Audrey]

Thank you both @AllieJ and @Keera, and welcome to the forums Keera!

Your comments are why I am approaching this with such care and consideration. I do not wish to erase the past or imply to my mother that cherishing memories of the past is somehow wrong. I guess my worry is that somewhere in her mind and heart is a sentiment such as "I miss [dead name] so much and I wish [he] would come back." That feels like a painful place to be and especially so in light of the grief she feels after my stepfather passed away. More than anything I would want my mother to know that I am the same soul, the same child, the same spirit, just a far happier one now.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Keera]

That is such a tough one Audrey the way you put it.For sure you will stay true to yourself and do the best you can for your mother.Happy Holidays

Love Keera

[Audrey]

I am really happy to share that my mother and I had a nice conversation about the old pictures of me. I decided to suggest the idea of taking new pictures of me that she can cherish, which we did as part of the holidays. She said she did not realize how I felt about them and that she did not intend to hurt me or say anything negative by them. I used an example of having company over to the house who does not know me or about my transition, and them asking "is this your son?" and the whole story that would flow from that. I am at the point in my transition where some people who have only met me recently are surprised to learn that I am transgender. While I am certainly not ashamed about that, I am not exactly broadcasting that to the whole world.

 

I encouraged my mother to keep the old pictures among other things from the past in a memory box. We had a nice mother/daughter moment as we put the box together!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Keera]

Hi Audrey I'm glad for you that you were able to resolve this issue with your mother.What strikes me is how simple a solution it turned out to be.Boy can we over think things even at the best of times.You had an open chat with your mother.....told her how you felt...........she understood and you both put the photos away! How simple it turned out to be in the end

Happy for you

Love Keera