Transfemme Explorations but Fairly Certain That’s Who I Am

[TheTransitionOf84and2]

Hi everyone! I’m so so so happy to have found this place. I’m honestly not quite sure where to start so I’m typing just as the thoughts come out, they may be scattered a bit!

 

Trigger warning, I am going to mention a bit of my evangelical christian upbringing below.

For reference, I was assigned male at birth and am in my late 30s. 

 

I’m currently legally married but filed for divorce in August. Our final hearing is in February 2024 and I’m sure the divorce will be finalized then. The marriage was a toxic one with some emotional abuse for sure. I’m super glad that I was able to move on and it has been so much better for my little one and myself. 

 

Right before I filed for divorce, I started seeing someone else (I’m going to call this person Ness (she/they)). It was supposed to just be a fling and it escalated pretty quick. I had been starved for affection and emotional intimacy for so long that I fell super quick because she cared about me so much so fast. And real, true, intimate caring for sure. 

On the second night of us hanging out, she asked me if I’d ever worn eyeliner because she thought I’d look hot in it. So I put some on (and it did look great!). The next day we went to Ulta and I bough some eyeliner and then started buying eyeshadow and highlighter which eventually led to mascara, blush, foundation, lipstick, and a full face. I also went shopping with Ness to start wearing clothes that are more designed for woman. 

The steps to the clothes took about 4 months and now one month after that I’ve only been wearing woman’s clothes and shoes for as well as makeup. I also went and got my haircut in a more feminine way and for the first time at the salon I asked that they use my pronouns as she/her. It was a wonderful experience there and when I went to the store after, in jeggings and a pink sweater with bright pink lipstick and very feminine hair, I realized for the first time in my life I was actually walking with my head up and making eye contact with people and walking with confidence. I kept looking in the mirror that day because I looked and felt so gorgeous with my new haircut.

I’m now at a place where the euphoria has settled a bit and the doubts, uncertainty, and fears of societal judgements are creeping in. But when I think about going back to my “male” wardrobe my heart sinks. When I look at female-presenting people I’m so jealous and just want to look like them. But then I think about what that would actually entail to get that full look, all of the people I’ll need to come out to, changes affecting my child when we just hit him with divorce, probably losing family members as others in my family have when they came out, and all of those things.

I was also raised in a very conservative evangelical christian home where it was very much “love the sinner and hate the sin”. Also, that being queer in any capacity was a choice and that it went against gods “plan”. While I don’t believe any of this on my conscious level at all anymore (thanks 7 years of therapy so far!) I know that the pieces that were so deeply embedded in me at such a young age are playing a role in my thoughts for sure.

Ness and I have also struggled over the last week. She has mentioned that she doesn’t know if she can be in a long-term relationship with somebody who presents as female and identifies as female. She has mentioned that she swung very far towards being overly-supported of me and then also had the reality check set in of what was actually happening. That this wasn’t just a fashion expression or wearing makeup and doing my nails but that it is most likely the start of a gender transition into a mainly-female presenting human. That especially has been super hard for me because she was the catalyst that brought all of this out from my subconscious and now it feels like she is pulling back. There are two realities that are existing at the same time that are so hard and that’s that she of course has every right to choose exactly who she wants to be with romantically and it still hurts to feel like I’m losing my main support person.

It is also surprising to me how fast this is happening. Like it feels like the floodgates got opened and all of a sudden in less than 6 months I’ve gone from somebody with a goatee and a o'clock shadow with vans shirts and Dickies shorts to someone who wears makeup everyday, wears woman’s clothes for everything, and has dresses and skirts that I wear around the house. 

I’m also realizing as I look back that I did have a lot of thoughts surrounding my gender growing up but I pushed them all down super fast. When I told my mom about a month ago that I was questioning my gender and am fairly certain I am transfemme she was super supportive (she even bought me a full makeup set and new brushes) and she also told me a childhood story that I don’t recall. When I was about 2, maybe a little younger, I used to like to wear my mom’s necklaces, carry a purse, put on her lipstick, and put on her heels. While I was starting to do this, my dad was deployed on a military mission. When he came back, he came home and I was putting on my heels and such that my mom kept in a basket for me. As she said, she loved that I wore what I wore and thought it was super cute, but she kept her good stuff away from my little hands! 😊 Anyway, my mom said that while my dad had exhibited anger issues in the past, this was the first time he actually raised his voice to my mom and was yelling at her. I forget the exact phrasing that my mom said but it was something to the extent that no son of his would ever wear that again. 

And I didn’t, at least not where anyone could see or know.

When I was 10ish, my friends and I would use my mom’s Mary Kay samples for face paint/camouflage when we played army in the woods, but I wondered what it would feel like to put it on. When I went through puberty, I remember having thoughts of wondering what it would be like to be a woman. Masturbation was also forbidden in our home, but I would question would it be like to have sex as a woman instead of a man. I would wear my mom’s panties when I could and even once did chores with them on. My dad once was warning my brother and me at a secret santa/white elephant gift exchange at our youth group that one of the gifts might be a gag gift of women’s underwear and if we got anything silly like that to just smile and laugh and get rid of it. I remember thinking that maybe I could just bring it home and try it on, just to see how it feels.

None of these thoughts lasted very long, seconds at most, as I would just squash them as soon as they came up. As I mentioned, masturbation was forbidden. I once had a conversation in a restaurant with just our pastor and me about my “masturbation problem” and went through a period when I was 17 or so where I had weekly meetings with my dad about the same “problem”. All this to say that if I couldn’t even talk about what was going on for me with sexual desires, there was absolutely no way I would bring up any type of gender exploration. I didn’t even know that was and had never even hear the word trans until my parents split up when I was in college and I got out of the toxic upbringing I had.

I also dated a guy in college and thought I was falling into a role of the “flamboyant” boyfriend. For a long time, up until these last couple of months, I thought I was masking who I really was and putting on the flamboyant mask to fit in and be accepted. A friend of mine said that, while I’m mainly into female-presenting individuals now, he had never seen me so happy as when I was with my boyfriend. And I’m starting to realize that it wasn’t because I was falling into a role or a stereotype but because I was in a safe space to outwardly express my femininity that I was so happy.

And… I think that’s it for now. If you’ve got this far thank you for checking out my story 😊 This is my first step of looking for support, I’m also working on finding an in-person support group as well as a gender identity therapist. I’m already seeing stories that I resonate with on her that are helping me like I’m not crazy, not making this up, not trying to find something new as I’m getting divorced but that maybe I’m actually starting to be who I really am. I super scared a lot of the time of all of this happening so fast and I’m super excited and encouraged to be finding out who I am. And to see the real girl that I am when I look in the mirror 😊  

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  Thank you for that well written description of your life story and your more recent issues and desires.  Coming out to those we are close to is not only difficult, it can break up relationships and cause pain.  On the other hand, it can also lead to closeness and understanding and acceptance.  It is a crap shoot, for sure, and the best we can do is hope that 7's come up on that dice roll.

 

We're here to help in any way we can, so ask any questions and look around at the forums and contribute as much or as little as you like.  Is your therapist supportive and knowledgeable about trans folk and transition?  If not, perhaps this would be a good time to either switch or add a gender specialist.  They can advise on things a general therapist may not be experienced with.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Timi]

11 hours ago, TheTransitionOf84and2 said:

....  If you’ve got this far thank you for checking out my story ...

Thank you so much for sharing. And welcome!

 

-Timi

[MaeBe]

11 hours ago, TheTransitionOf84and2 said:

she of course has every right to choose exactly who she wants to be with romantically and it still hurts to feel like I’m losing my main support person.

If it can't be a romantic one, it sounds like she may be the perfect ally! You wouldn't lose your support and you could still remain close?

 

Thank you for sharing your story, you'll find many people here with similar histories and a lot of community and support. So, welcome!

[TheTransitionOf84and2]

Thank you @Carolyn Marie. I’m reminding myself that regardless of the relationships that stay or don’t, I’m going to be who I am. It may be hard and it can be both hard and right at the same time.  
 

I don’t have a therapist at the moment but once my 2024 hits and my insurance updates are in effect, I’m going to find someone for sure, a gender identity one in my area 😊

[TheTransitionOf84and2]

1 hour ago, Timi said:

Thank you so much for sharing. And welcome!

 

-Timi

Thank you!!!

[TheTransitionOf84and2]

1 hour ago, MaeBe said:

If it can't be a romantic one, it sounds like she may be the perfect ally! You wouldn't lose your support and you could still remain close?

 

Thank you for sharing your story, you'll find many people here with similar histories and a lot of community and support. So, welcome!

Thank you for that thought! I have thought  about that and I know that if we stay romantically involved or in a more platonic relationship she will be a great ally and the relationship will continue as it needs to 😊 The emotion of hurt and the feeling of pain is present but the outcome will be what it will be and life will continue as it should. 

 

And thank you for the kind welcome!

[KayC]

Welcome @TheTransitionOf84and2!
Thank you for sharing your story.  I think you will find great value, comfort, and support in the community provided by this Forum.

Your steps to locate a support group and gender therapist are a positive approach.  Finding this Forum and a therapist were critical steps at the beginning of my transition story (a work still in progress).  In the process I also discovered many aspects of my life that had nothing to do with gender, and were more part of my basic humanity (like a tendency towards co-dependent relationships).  That is an additional benefit of the Journey as I am sure you will find.

Happy you found us.  Deep breaths ... one step at a time

[EmilyLouise48]

Hi @TheTransitionOf84and2, lovely to meet you and thank you for sharing your story as well. I see similarities with my own but also differences and it is interesting to read your thoughts and how you have reached this point so far. I agree with your next steps in finding a support network as I'm going through the same process having recently admitted the truth of who I am to myself. This will be so useful when we have those difficult days and where we are beset by doubts.

I wish you all the very best and you have found a wonderful place with many lovely people based on my experience so far.

Emily x