Feeling vs Being

[emeraldmountain2]

Hi.

 

Just wondering about trans/nonbinary people's experiences of their identity?

 

Do you feel like you are the gender you were not assigned at birth? Or do you feel like you want to be a gender you were not assigned at birth?

 

I have heard different answers from different trans people. Some say they know inside they are [X]. Some say they don't know what it feels like to be their non-assigned at birth gender, just that they are happier living as [X]. Some say they grew into their identity.

 

How about you?

[emeraldmountain2]

That title should have said "Feeling vs Wanting."

[emeraldmountain2]

Or "Being vs Wanting." Wow, my brain hurts. 🤪

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I'm honestly not sure.  I definitely didn't feel or want to be a boy when I was growing up.  Of course, how would I have identified that feeling?  No way to know.  I just knew I was different, and that I couldn't live up to what was expected of me.  Mostly I felt unwanted and stupid and trapped. 

 

Even now, I don't really know 100% what gender I'm supposed to be.  I know I don't fit in my body, but I have to work with what I have.  I go with what feels more "normal" I guess?  I understand that I'm not what I'm supposed to be, nor will I really discover that in this life.  I put my faith in God, that he'll sort me out in the life in the world to come.  Maybe that means I'll really be a girl.  As long as I fit, I'm fine with that.  Maybe that means I'll really be a boy.  Again, I'm fine with that. 

[AllieJ]

8 hours ago, emeraldmountain2 said:

Hi.

 

Just wondering about trans/nonbinary people's experiences of their identity?

 

Do you feel like you are the gender you were not assigned at birth? Or do you feel like you want to be a gender you were not assigned at birth?

 

I have heard different answers from different trans people. Some say they know inside they are [X]. Some say they don't know what it feels like to be their non-assigned at birth gender, just that they are happier living as [X]. Some say they grew into their identity.

 

How about you?

 

Let's clarify this a bit! Gender is how we see ourselves (what's between our ears) and Sex is our physical reproductive bits (what's between out legs). We are generally assigned a SEX at birth, and become aware of our GENDER, or how we see ourselves, as we grow up.

 

Gender is said to be hard wired into us from birth so becoming aware of this is not a want. If our Gender is Incongruent with our Sex, we may feel we want to align them, but I believe this is a misinterpretation. The incongruence causes uncomfortable feelings, which are Gender Dysphoria, and if they get strong enough, we need to do something about it. 

 

We all interpret this in different ways depending on how scientific, spiritual, emotional, or pragmatic we are. I am pragmatic / scientific in my approach, and I knew at an early age my gender identity was incongruent with my physical sex. I quickly learned that this was not socially acceptable, so I tried very hard to not think about being a girl. After some time I realised these thoughts would never leave me, but I also realised that there wasn't the technology to turn me completely into a woman. My need to become pregnant, carry, birth and nurture a baby was stronger than my need to appear as a female, and I knew this was simply not possible, so I learned to 'manage' my incongruence. 

 

For me, and I know this doesn't apply to others, I do not feel like a complete woman. As I transitioned, my dysphoria became less, so I live as a trans woman purely to keep dysphoria at healthy levels. I see myself as me, who I have always been. I was never very male, and I will never be very female. I didn't want to change my voice as I fell it wouldn't be the real me. I didn't want to get breast implants for the same reason, but a friend convinced me there would be practical benefits in my day to day life, so I did get BA. I didn't do it to reduce dysphoria. 

 

I had an amazing life as a male, and transitioning to recover my health cost me the love of my life, and put my family through stress. I simply can't do all the things I used to as a male, and I don't feel completely comfortable in society, but I do get by. I am definitely not as happy as I was in my male life, but I have way less dysphoria.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

 

[Mirrabooka]

I'm different. Heck, aren't we all? As a young boy, I never played with dolls or was dressed as a girl. Later, crossdressing was wicked fun, then it became a fetish, then it became something else. It was always my go-to when I had the chance. Years later, I was tapped on the shoulder and told that I was coming across as girly, by someone who didn't know me IRL. The remark was made in a condescending manner, and it offended me. Years after that, the same thing happened, but this time it was delivered with warmth and encouragement, and I felt blessed. Not long after, I accepted myself totally and I have been in love with my inner woman ever since.

 

I have struggled to identify myself since then but have also learnt that it's not really that important to do so. I yam wot I yam!

 

One thing I do know is that I think about gender CONSTANTLY. The silly thing is, I can't identify whether I think of myself as man, woman or anything in between! But I don't care! I just know that it's delicious!

[Keera]

Good question Emeraldmountaiets2 as I think it gets to the heart of the issue.

I like to think of masculine and feminine as being like the two sides of a single coin.If we think of it like this we immediately have a mystery on our hands.......the 'two' of it and the 'one' of it so to speak....'Spiritual' gender.

Is it then, what we are born as at birth,that determines our fundamental gender in the 'physical' world? I personally think so.I think it's fair for me to think of myself as fundamentally male with a strong feminine side.....strong enough to need to express it.When we feel in love with our inner 'she' is that not a masculine activity in itself?

I know that there are many other points of view and experiences that I am not covering in this short post so I totally hold my hand up on that.These are my own personal reflections and no more than that.

With respect Love Keera

 

 

[EasyE]

This is a great topic. I became Catholic in recent years, and one of the many things I appreciate about the heart of Catholicism (for all its missteps) is that it embraces mystery.

 

The Protestant, evangelical world around me has blessed me a lot but has always seemed to want to find black-and-white answers to everything and feels very uncomfortable with mystery or incongruence or alternative mindsets. I see that in my wife. She keeps wanting to throw me into a box (which of course is the box of sinfulness, shame, disobedience as a result of things that happened to me as a kid) and then find someone to fix me. I can't seem to convince her that it is something deeper and frankly I can't get my arms around all of it. What's to fix?

 

Like @Mirrabookasaid above, I am who I am. I was born with male parts and have functioned OK in the male world most of my life (though rarely feeling like I was a true man's man and that I "fit"). But I have a strong feminine dimension, and that thread has always been there too. And the older I get, especially the last couple of years, the more the feminine side wants to assert itself (herself) in bolder ways - no longer content to remain in a closet tucked away. She wants to go out in public dressed the part!

 

Again, like Mirrabooka said I think about gender constantly, too. I am not sure if that will calm down one day or not. Part of me feels like it might if ever "arrive" at a place where I fully embrace the whole me and live that way, regardless of whether society/family accepts me... Again, great topic. Let's keep going with it! Would love to hear others' thoughts. 

 

 

 

 

[Timi]

On 1/9/2024 at 6:58 PM, emeraldmountain2 said:

Hi.

 

Just wondering about trans/nonbinary people's experiences of their identity?

 

Do you feel like you are the gender you were not assigned at birth? Or do you feel like you want to be a gender you were not assigned at birth?

 

I have heard different answers from different trans people. Some say they know inside they are [X]. Some say they don't know what it feels like to be their non-assigned at birth gender, just that they are happier living as [X]. Some say they grew into their identity.

 

How about you?

I feel like when I was born, I was the female sex I was not assigned at birth. (I am deliberately using the term sex instead of gender) But with every social interaction after my very first breath, and with the maturing of my consciousness, intellect, and body, the feeling of being female sex diminished and was replaced by the feeling of wanting to be female. I think I still have some small but potent bit of residual irrational, unwavering, and unrepentant feeling that I am indeed female. I think that's powerful fuel for my dysphoria fire. 

 

Gender is more confusing for me. When I was first starting to seriously examine my gender identity, I made a list of traits that I thought described me. Then about a week or two later, the thought occurred to me to Goggle "feminine vs masculine traits." Guess what. I was pretty much all on the feminine side. So I think (as well as  feel) that I am predominantly feminine gender, which does not conform to what my cultural environment demands of a person assigned male sex at birth. 

 

-Timi

[emeraldmountain2]

14 hours ago, Timi said:

I feel like when I was born, I was the female sex I was not assigned at birth. (I am deliberately using the term sex instead of gender) But with every social interaction after my very first breath, and with the maturing of my consciousness, intellect, and body, the feeling of being female sex diminished and was replaced by the feeling of wanting to be female. I think I still have some small but potent bit of residual irrational, unwavering, and unrepentant feeling that I am indeed female. I think that's powerful fuel for my dysphoria fire. 

This is very interesting and somewhat aligns with my own feelings.

[Marieh]

Some  fascinating and heartfelt perceptions. Much of which I can relate too. All of us have  struggled with this. 

As a teenager I desperately wished to be a girl without completely believing it. 

 

It was the  seventies after all. I tried to be male. There was a lot of conflict in my mind. But I  'crossdressed' and avoided committing until the 2000s. Long story short BTW.

 

I simply accepted I was transgender and finally began to come out, with positive reactions from friends. 

 

But I still struggled. I wished I was a woman. But couldn't imagine it. I still felt I  couldn't be a woman unless I fulfilled certain stereotypical behaviours.

 

But one day, it wasn't an actual day but for the  sake of the narrative I realised something. 

 

I  am  simply a woman. I don't have to fit the  stereotype. 

 

If you think you're a woman, you  probably are. If you are a man you'd know. If there's a doubt  there's no doubt.

 

It's really not th complicated.