Advice needed on a work predicament

[LittleSam]

I'm just looking for a little support, or advice on a situation that's been on my mind. I live in the UK and work for a school with older teen students with learning disabilities. We have a rule that male staff cannot give personal care to female students or be in a room alone with them. This is to protect the workers against any allegations that could be made as well as protecting students. I've been feeling increasingly uneasy. I started out indentifying as NB and over the past few months I am still very much NB, but way more masc leaning. I dress in all male clothes, I bind, my pronouns are he/they and I don't use the female loos or changing rooms unless giving personal care to a female student. Being seen as a female to do the female support role is triggering my dysphoria and I'm feeling unnerved and dishonest about not speaking up. Basically I want to be treated socially as a male at work. I'm seeing how this fits incase I decide to go on hormones later. I'm slowly trying things out to make sure I make a correct decision about my future. Going into a gendered changing room is like the feeling I get when I get misgendered as a she. We have a high staff ratio to students and the rest of my colleagues are female, and considering all our students are male apart from one female, I feel it's a reasonable ask for me to support the male students much more and take on that role. In my workplace, females or males can help with male student personal care alone and it isn't an issue. I'm basically worried that people will see me as a nuisance shirking responsibilities. This isn't the case, I'm a hard worker and it's so hard to bring this up, but the discomfort is getting to me. I don't think it's right for me to change a girl alone in the female changing rooms into a swimming costume. People might think I'm being ridiculous and petty, colleagues may not understand. Any thoughts welcome please.

[VickySGV]

Where I am, it is two adults no matter the gender for help with bodily functions of the body parts considered "privates".  I cannot find it just now, but I have read reports where complaints are just as high for female to male indecencies in the cases of mentally challenged individuals.  I would certainly discuss this matter with your Head since it seems from your description that there are adequate helpers for the female designated students there.  Your comfort with the students is as important as the comfort of the students  with you.

[Carolyn Marie]

I agree with @VickySGV.  Despite your discomfort with talking about gender issues in the workplace, I don't see how you have any choice but to discuss it with the manager(s) there.  Hopefully they will be supportive and understanding, and come up with a solution that works for everyone, and more importantly, keeps you legally safe.

 

Carolyn marie

[LittleSam]

Thanks both for your replies. It feels quite lonely thinking that as nice and accommodating as work colleagues can be, they might not understand trans issues or be able to see it from our perspective sometimes. No one knows what anyone has in their underwear, so I think that if someone is saying they identify socially as a male or female, they should be treated like one. I'm not fully identifying with either, but what to be treated as male. Basically I know I'm not a female, but I'm not binary male either, but way more male leaning. I'm more agender, demi man, non binary, still figuring it out lol. But I do know that I don't belong in female changing rooms or loos. I'm not massively comfortable in the male loos either yet when out in public because I can feel a bit unsafe, but at work I'm very comfy with the male loos and changing rooms. Work is a safe environment for me luckily and people are doing their best to be supportive. I will say something, but it feels like I'm outting myself a little more each time I make a request and it is challenging to be vulnerable like that.

[Keera]

I'm wondering Little Sam why your colleagues are seeing you as female? According to your school's rules surely if you are dressing as a male you should not be allowed into a female room with a vulnerable female student! As above you need to talk to someone

Love Keera

[Audrey]

Hi @LittleSam, this is a very stressful situation I imagine! I agree with the others that you will need the support of HR and your management team for this situation, as difficult as it may be to have the conversation with them. Particularly because there are workplace policies and clinical considerations involved, and for the office politics and perceptions as you describe (these are not ridiculous or petty concerns at all!). Your workplace's leadership will set the tone and clarify policies and procedures so that it is clear to all employees. It is good you feel welcome and supported at your job which hopefully will make these conversations easier, especially when it comes to talking about being enby, when the world is so oriented around the gender binary. Is there a colleague or supervisor you especially trust? That can be the easiest place to begin. I hope this helps!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[LittleSam]

2 hours ago, Keera said:

I'm wondering Little Sam why your colleagues are seeing you as female? According to your school's rules surely if you are dressing as a male you should not be allowed into a female room with a vulnerable female student! As above you need to talk to someone

Love Keera

Thankyou, this has actually given me more courage to speak up. I think on some level, perhaps my colleagues are seeing me as female or they are too awkward to bring it up themselves so as not to offend.

[LittleSam]

25 minutes ago, Audrey said:

Hi @LittleSam Is there a colleague or supervisor you especially trust? That can be the easiest place to begin. I hope this helps!

 

Hi Audrey, I do trust my colleagues, and within our class, the staff are a close bunch, me included. I've become more isolated though because of the gender identity crisis I'm going through at the mo. I used to be so friendly with them, but I've distanced myself to protect myself. I will find it hard if I feel disapproval from them, because I'm feeling very vulnerable at the mo. But I do believe they will be supportive, so I just need to talk to them in the morning before the students come in.