Dysphoria, Taking the right path?

[emeraldmountain2]

Hi,

 

This is a post especially for my nonbinary pals, but anyone is welcome to reply and I would much appreciate it.

 

So, as some of you know, I'm been on feminizing HRT for under 1 year. I still have my doubts about whether this is the right path for me.

 

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Sometimes to my dismay I feel like I am a guy deep inside, even though most of the time I'm physically dysphoric and less often (but a good amount) socially dysphoric at least about something or multiple things. I say to my dismay because I don't want to be a detransitioner, I don't want to give up the changes to my body (which I quite enjoy), I don't want to have transitioned because I might find out I'm whacko (after starting psych meds I felt better overall), and I don't want to have felt like a fool for coming out to everyone and going on HRT, only to eat my own words, as well as possibly be permanently sterile.

 

My dysphoria has gone down a lot since medically and somewhat socially transitioning. Sometimes the dysphoria level goes higher, but it's nowhere near the level it was before transitioning. This lessened dysphoria makes me question whether or not I need to continue transitioning, much like a person on psych meds that makes them feel better and like they can go off the meds, they go off the meds, and then spiral downwards. Not to say at all that trans people are mentally ill, but it is just an analogy for my fears.

 

This all to me sounds like a pretty nonbinary experience, but who knows. I don't know if I've suppressed myself for so long that I can't even tell who I am anymore.

 

I also can't tell if this all means I am trans or if I'm just plain nuts.

 

Thoughts?

Thanks.

[MaeBe]

2 hours ago, emeraldmountain2 said:

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

Jolly Green, I hear you! I feel this way a lot and then there's the moments that completely fly in the face of that doubt. One thing I have found so empowering is to focus on what makes you feel better, the euphoria, only on what makes you feel better. I have grown comfortable after 44 years of being male that some things feel "natural", but they don't bring me joy. They don't make me feel like I am doing something for me. However, I put on my high waisted skinny jeans, throw some mascara on, and look at myself in the mirror and my brain just lights up, right under were that soft spot used to be. Have I EVER felt that way buttoning up a shirt and putting on a sport coat? No.

 

I thought I was living an enby experience for a while, but I think it was me trying to hold onto the masculinity I held for so long. That's not to say you are not, but if you derive JOY from both the masculine and feminine then that IS SOMETHING. That isn't something to eschew. Does that make you X, Y, or Z? No, but it IS SOMETHING and it's RIGHT FOR YOU because it FEELS GOOD.

 

Feeling good can reflect internally as shame, or selfish, and it should not! The goal of life is to do things that feel good: do good work, show compassion, help others, be OURSELVES.

 

So, most greenest of rocks, what makes you feel good?

[emeraldmountain2]

Hi @MaeBe. Thank you so much for posting such a thoughtful and kind response.

 

1 hour ago, MaeBe said:

Have I EVER felt that way buttoning up a shirt and putting on a sport coat? No.

This is a great point!

 

It is so important to pay attention to what makes us feel good, as long as we are not hurting ourselves or others.

 

Some of the things that make me feel great in regards to my gender are the changes my body is going through on HRT, the positive emotional expression I've suppressed for so many years, the women's clothing/jewelry/accessories I love to wear, and the lifting of a heavy weight after coming out to friends and family.

 

Thanks for reminding to bask in the joy of being myself!

 

Now, as for those labels...

 

I still can't help but wonder if I'm crazy, making bad choices I'll regret, etc., but I guess my current state beats being the miserable cis-acting dude I barely was.

[MaeBe]

9 minutes ago, emeraldmountain2 said:

I still can't help but wonder if I'm crazy, making bad choices I'll regret, etc., but I guess my current state beats being the miserable cis-acting dude I barely was.

We're institutionalized to our society. What is a bad choice? Is feeling good about earrings and eyeliner a bad choice? What would Robert Smith of the Cure say? 😎 If you are feeling more you doing what you're doing, do that! Don't worry about labels. Labels help others, mostly. Some crave to define themselves. Some people crave to be defined. Be yourself, know that you will feel doubt and anxiety at times because you're doing something uncomfortable. Uncomfortable, not because it's wrong or bad, but because it's simply different to what we're trained to see as "normal". Relish in the discomfort and know that you showing up as this you might make someone else more comfortable; you never know when or where you will be the inspiration, or how you'll generate solidarity someone needs, by simply resolving to apply courage to fear.

[EasyE]

1 hour ago, MaeBe said:

The goal of life is to do things that feel good: do good work, show compassion, help others, be OURSELVES.

Amen to this! Love others. Be Ourselves. That's a great motto!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I can understand that "fraud" feeling you describe.  I'm AFAB and intersex, mostly in my boy form these days.  I have frequently felt like I don't fit much of anywhere - in the girl world, in the boy world, or much of anywhere. 

 

The closest I find to resolving that feeling is the realization that I don't really have to fit in the girl world or the boy world.  I tend toward the boy side of things, and that's fine with those around me.  I fit in MY world.  Specifically, there's a spot in the nest I share with my partners that is mine no matter what I am.  Its enough.

[emeraldmountain2]

Thank you @MaeBe, @EasyE, @awkward-yet-sweet. I always appreciate reading your insights, positivity, and encouragement!

[emeraldmountain2]

Hello. Thanks everyone. Anyone else have thoughts? Everyone under the trans rainbow welcome to reply.

 

I'm having a difficult time emotionally with all of this, compounded by the miserable, lonely, unsuccessful life I've had and my oh -so-many regrets, transition-related and otherwise. I see healthy, happy trans people my age and feel such sadness, revulsion at myself, grief, an impossible goal to have a life as good and fun as theirs, etc. I honestly don't know how to handle these feelings about my messed up life and whether or not I'm on the right path in transitioning. If I am nonbinary and not just a nutcase, I sure do hate being nonbinary sometimes because it can be so confusing.

 

I have a therapist, but that only helps so much. I'm in a better place than I was before transitioning and getting mental healthcare, but I sure do have a lot of hurdles.

 

Anyone have any messages of hope or kindness for me? Anyone been in the same position and somehow found a way to dig themselves out? Thanks.

[MaeBe]

4 minutes ago, emeraldmountain2 said:

Anyone have any messages of hope or kindness for me? Anyone been in the same position and somehow found a way to dig themselves out? Thanks.

Firstly, you're not alone in this world!

 

Each person has their own path and happiness is relative, we don't get to see anyone's true self most of the time. Everyone has struggles, we usually just see the times they're feeling the best of themselves.

 

Can you increase your meetings with your therapist or get access to them on the side?

 

Also, feel free to hit me up on chat. I'm not a counselor, but I'm happy to be there for you!

[emeraldmountain2]

Thank you @MaeBe. Maybe I can ask to meet a bit more w/the therapist. Thank you for offering to chat. Feel free to say hi to me on chat, as well.

[KatieSC]

6 hours ago, emeraldmountain2 said:

Hello. Thanks everyone. Anyone else have thoughts? Everyone under the trans rainbow welcome to reply.

 

I'm having a difficult time emotionally with all of this, compounded by the miserable, lonely, unsuccessful life I've had and my oh -so-many regrets, transition-related and otherwise. I see healthy, happy trans people my age and feel such sadness, revulsion at myself, grief, an impossible goal to have a life as good and fun as theirs, etc. I honestly don't know how to handle these feelings about my messed up life and whether or not I'm on the right path in transitioning. If I am nonbinary and not just a nutcase, I sure do hate being nonbinary sometimes because it can be so confusing.

 

I have a therapist, but that only helps so much. I'm in a better place than I was before transitioning and getting mental healthcare, but I sure do have a lot of hurdles.

 

Anyone have any messages of hope or kindness for me? Anyone been in the same position and somehow found a way to dig themselves out? Thanks.

Emerald,

 

You are far from alone. Many of us have had similar feelings. There is a funny spot during our metamorphosis where we wonder when we will start looking like a swan rather than a rooster. The HRT helps, but it takes time. I have just clocked my 25th month of HRT, and I have had a number of procedures, including vaginoplasty. I still have moments. Do you do anything as a hobby? Do you know how to have a date just for yourself? You take a day offer, go to a nice hotel, check in, go shopping, have dinner, see a movie, or just stay in and have your own pajama party. Find a way to be good to yourself.

 

Something that has helped me with my overall appearance was to get my lashes and brows done professionally. It is expensive, but the results really zing. I also had some coaching on makeup. It will take a while for you to develop and get to that image you have in your head. I keep this mental image of how I want to be. I work towards that goal. Sometimes we lose site and need to do a little exploration. Recently I saw an article about a professional wrestler who transitioned (Gabbi Tufts). She is a fitness trainer now. I was curious as to how she morphed her body to look as good as it does. She outlined using a low calorie, keto-based intermittent fasting diet. I used that to lose 130 pounds but lost focus after my surgeries. Seeing how she morphed drove home that it can be done.

 

Just remember, you are not alone. It can be scary at times, and sometimes we look in the mirror and the dysphoria and dysmorphia invoke their influence. Hang in there and do not be so tough on yourself.

[emeraldmountain2]

Thank you for your kind comments @KatieSC. I agree with everything you wrote. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone.

[Keera]

Hi Emeraldmountain2 I am so sorry to read of your struggles.I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring you some peace.

I am not a councilor either but I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you,hoping for you and believing for you that you will find some measure of relief and soon.You are as valuable as anyone on the planet.Don't forget how precious you are and you can not be replaced.....there is only one 'you'

Much love and warm hugs Keera.

[emeraldmountain2]

Thank you so much for sending such kind thoughts @Keera