Considering Detransition

[emeraldmountain2]

I'm considering detransitioning. I feel like I am crazy for transitioning. Being nonbinary, if I even am, makes things even more confusing when your sense of gender shift around. I am afraid of being one of those people who starts transition, stop, put it off for decades, only to come back to transitioning after years of unnecessary suffering. I know I enjoy the feminization from HRT and from wearing women's clothing, but can a person still be cis and enjoy that stuff (especially the feminization)???

[MaeBe]

1 hour ago, emeraldmountain2 said:

can a person still be cis and enjoy that stuff (especially the feminization)???

I would say no. If your gender feels are shifting, that plainly points to not being cis. Is there a reason for "needing to be cis"? How about just being you?

[emeraldmountain2]

2 hours ago, MaeBe said:

If your gender feels are shifting, that plainly points to not being cis.

This is a good point, thanks, but how do I know I've not just misled myself or am not insane?

 

2 hours ago, MaeBe said:

Is there a reason for "needing to be cis"?

To have a "normal" life and not live under the constant fear of others and oppressive governments.

 

2 hours ago, MaeBe said:

How about just being you?

Thank you. I agree, but it's hard when I'm so uncertain at times.

[EasyE]

4 hours ago, emeraldmountain2 said:

I know I enjoy the feminization from HRT and from wearing women's clothing, but can a person still be cis and enjoy that stuff (especially the feminization)???

Wow, am I in a similar place (a little behind you on HRT though)!! I have asked myself that question a TON over the past several months. It can be confounding!

 

The best advice I have been given, though it is hard to follow: be as honest with yourself as you can be. Try to tune out all the noise and expectations of others and then listen to yourself, your motives, your instincts, your heart.

 

Trust your conscience and go at your own pace. Be you, even if there is some (a lot?) of mystery there. Who can argue with someone is as fully transparent and fully themselves as they can be? Never forget: You are a very valuable and worthy human being. You matter. You are one of a kind, and the world isn't the same without you being you, right here and right now... 

 

People care and you have lots of support right here in these forums... I know I have benefitted from these wonderful people greatly... Blessings!

 

 

[Jani]

I suppose i would ask are you sure about non-binary?  If you are on HRT and like the feminine results and clothing you may be MtF.  Look deep inside.  What kind of person do you see?  Who do you want to be?  If you originally chose NB because you didn't want to give up on certain male activities, then re-evaluate.  There are precious few things I no longer do and those are because I've moved on from them.  Women and men come in all flavors and can participate in any activity.  

 

Jani

[Jani]

2 minutes ago, EasyE said:

The best advice I have been given, though it is hard to follow: be as honest with yourself as you can be. Try to tune out all the noise and expectations of others and then listen to yourself, your motives, your instincts, your heart.

Good advice!

[LittleSam]

Look at what you enjoy. You enjoy the feminisation, you enjoy the fem clothing. If you enjoy it, that's you being your authentic self. Maybe you don't have to label yourself. It is poss to be non binary and still go by all pronouns or even your gender at birth pronouns and still be a valid trans person. I see myself as similar to you in some ways. I really desire to go on T and I love wearing all masc clothes, but I don't want to change my gender to Male on my documents. I would prefer non binary, but that isn't a thing in the UK yet. Who knows, one day I may decide to go male. We are on a journey and you do what feels right for you and makes you happy. Ask yourself do you always want to wear fem clothes? If you sometimes want a more neutral or masc day, that doesn't make you any less or different to what you are. Go with what gives you the most joy. It's hard to not have self doubt, but there isn't only one way to be trans.

[KathyLauren]

1 hour ago, emeraldmountain2 said:

To have a "normal" life and not live under the constant fear of others and oppressive governments.

 

I hear you.  But that is not about you and who you are.  That is about them and what they want you to be.  There are always going to be "not-nice people" in the world, and we have to deal with them no matter who we are.  Conforming to their demands won't help you be yourself.  This journey is about discovering and being true to yourself.

[emeraldmountain2]

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts.

 

I agree, it's so important to be ourselves and follow our joy. Being so wishy-washy is tough for me, especially since my wishy-washiness is compounded by having OCD, which is called "the doubting disease" for a good reason.

 

I was thinking earlier about the beard I'm part way through removing and thinking what was so bad about having a beard and body hair? The beard was pretty darn cool. Then I remember how miserable I was looking at my beard stubble and my body hair, the relief that removing it brought me. How can someone be so jumbled up like me? It's wearing me down a lot and making me lose my joy.

 

2 hours ago, EasyE said:

Never forget: You are a very valuable and worthy human being. You matter. You are one of a kind, and the world isn't the same without you being you, right here and right now... 

 

People care and you have lots of support right here in these forums... I know I have benefitted from these wonderful people greatly... Blessings!

 

Thank you for saying this @EasyE.

 

2 hours ago, EasyE said:

The best advice I have been given, though it is hard to follow: be as honest with yourself as you can be. Try to tune out all the noise and expectations of others and then listen to yourself, your motives, your instincts, your heart.

Difficult to do, but very sound advice.

 

2 hours ago, Jani said:

If you are on HRT and like the feminine results and clothing you may be MtF.  Look deep inside.  What kind of person do you see?  Who do you want to be? 

Thank you @Jani. To be honest, I've been so out of tune with myself for all these years that I don't know who I want to be or am. I know that I appreciate my male voice and like what it can do, but sometimes I feel weird using it. I also feel weird using my feminine voice with other people, but maybe that's because I'm not used to using it in public.

 

2 hours ago, LittleSam said:

If you enjoy it, that's you being your authentic self.

This is actually a profound statement, thank you.

 

2 hours ago, LittleSam said:

Ask yourself do you always want to wear fem clothes?

 

Most of the time, yes. I don't really want to go back to wearing men's clothing.

 

57 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

I hear you.  But that is not about you and who you are.  That is about them and what they want you to be.  There are always going to be "not-nice people" in the world, and we have to deal with them no matter who we are.  Conforming to their demands won't help you be yourself.  This journey is about discovering and being true to yourself.

 Very wise words, thank you @KathyLauren.