Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Sometimes I feel ok living nonbinary but deep down I know I am a man


Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

I have come out to my friends and family as nonbinary and told them I use they/them pronouns but I know on the inside that I'd prefer to use he/him pronouns and be seen as a man. I am at the very beginning on my journey and honestly feel like I am a late bloomer being 22 although I know many have started their transitions much later than I. I just feel like so many people see my as feminine and I presented as a girl for so long that it would be weird or they wouldn't really see me as a man. In my mind it feels better to present as nonbinary because it is easier/ more likely people will accept me that way because I have more feminine features and larger breasts that even when I use a binder you can usually see. I just know that I'm a man and I know that the name Jack feels right and I wish I could have just been born this way and I know that no matter how much I wish that that it will never happen. Tonight I emailed my doctor about starting testosterone which I think is the first step but I wish everything could just happen right now exactly how I want it to. I don't have any transmasc/FtM friends though I have a MtF friend who I don't feel like I can talk to about these issues with because I have the biggest crush on her so I feel like I'd be awkward and I don't know if she's even comfortable talking about that stuff. I have a coworker who is FtM but it is weird trying to reach out to him to talk/hangout since we are coworkers and I don't want to make it awkward. I just feel like I am all alone with these feelings with nobody to talk to or relate to and it really sucks. My ultimate goal is to get top surgery but it feels like its so unattainable and far away that it will never happen. I literally have dreams about being a man and having a flat chest and just being able to live the life I want to be seen as and every time I wake up from those dreams I feel like crying.

Link to comment

Welcome to the forums, Jack! You'll find lots of information and friendship here.  You are right that many of us have started our journeys later, much later in some cases, but I understand how it can all seem so overwhelming. Especially when you don't feel as if there is anywhere or anyone to help you find the answers. 

 

The questions racing through your mind and your emotions are not uncommon at all and can be overwhelming. But you can, and will, find answers and your truth.

 

Have you looked around your area to see if there are  LGBTQ+ groups where you might find people to talk to? Is there a possibility that you might be able to work with a gender therapist who could help you along the path? Many of us have found help and answers with the help of support groups and/or a therapist.

 

In any case, we are all here to help. Jump in where you feel comfortable and ask questions. We're glad you found us.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. There are so many here who at absolutely wonderful and loving. And many who have similar stories and age who can answer your questions honestly and become true friends.

Hugs,

Heather

Link to comment

Nice to see that you found us and more importantly joined us. There are plenty of people of the ones you are looking for. 

Link to comment

Hi Jack, it is nice to meet you and welcome! The forums are a super safe and supportive space to talk about your feelings and experiences, and I am confident you will find solidarity with us and meet people who can relate to you. I can certainly relate to what you shared from very early in my own journey - the longing, the despair, the search for connections and compassion. I am confident you will find yourself and your path, and we are here to help you along the way.

 

I agree with @April Marie that a support group is a great idea. I used to live in Portland myself! If you are in or around the Portland area, or in the Willamette Valley, there are many great resources you can tap into. If you are in another part of the state, groups via Zoom might be an accessible idea.

 

I look forward to seeing you around!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

Link to comment

Hi Jack, and Welcome!
Image is a difficult obstacle to overcome.  Especially the ‘image’ the we feel ‘others’ have of us.  But the most important image, is the one we have of ourself.  Self-acceptance is the first goal we must achieve to make progress.

Having a gender therapist, a community (this Forum, the friends/co-workers you already have) and support groups (as mentioned) are all part of that.  But ultimately it’s up to our own determination.  Just realize (as most of us have experienced) this can take some time.  But you are in a good place here … so,

 

Deep breaths … one step at a time

Link to comment

Hi and welcome, @JustJack. Please continue writing and sharing with us. There are folks here, myself included to a good extent, who can relate to you. There is a major dilemma about what you want to be called and how you feel it would be too challenging for other people. For that reason I have a hard time even asking to be called they/them (I like some masc terms, but don't think of myself as a he/him). I've talked about it with folks here and impactful feedback I recall has been to examine my motives for believing it's more acceptable for me to endure a lot of discomfort than to ask others to endure possible slight discomfort. It's something I continue to struggle with. Change takes time.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      Them's fighting words, but I intend to discuss this respectfully, calmly and so forth, in accordance with the forum rules.   Considering the one issue below in isolation:   There is a political calculus that trans folk may be better off under Trump than under Biden.  The argument goes that Biden has created such a backlash by moving so far to the left that red states, in particular, are reacting with a swarm of laws that negatively impact trans folk.  Some of his actions strike many people as clumsily forcing unwanted regulation on people, and some of his appointments, such as the luggage stealing bigender individual, have not helped advance trans folk but rather the reverse.  In a second term Biden would make things worse for trans folk because of the backlash and resentment his policies would create.    Trump likely would have negative impacts to trans folk, as he did in his first term with respect to the military, so it is a set of tradeoffs as to which is worse.   Thoughts?
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Can you dress androgynously? 
    • Ashley0616
    • Abigail Genevieve
      There are trans folk who pass better than some cis people.  People usually aren't on the lookout for those who are cross dressed.  As long as there are no multiple screaming signals and you don't draw attention to yourself you can probably pass better than you think. For example, if you walk into a bank in heels, however, and you DON'T know how to walk in heels, you will attract the attention of a security guard, especially if you are acting nervous. If you wear flats and just go to the bank and do your business like anyone else, it is likely no one will notice, except that there was a customer who was taller than most women are, but then there are tall women, and tall, broad shouldered woman.  I made the mistake years ago of thinking I had outed such, and knew she was a he.  Later I learned she had five kids, and her husband was bigger than she was.  Ooops.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I don't know much about CNAs.  They report to an RN, right?  Can you somehow bring this up to the RN in a way that does not get your CNA mad at you? I'm not saying you should, but maybe that is a good course of action.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      This is the thing.  A month ago tomorrow is when I stopped wearing m clothing.  Today I feel great.  I do not have dysphoria when I am dressed as and I move as a woman.  I was just thinking about that because I was wondering if I would or will get hit with a wave of "you don't have dysphoria so you might as well dress like a guy. Less hassle with your wife."  Not that she is aware, to my knowledge, that these androgynous clothes are women's.  No desire to "flip", no feeling of need to, just happy identifying as female.  Speaking, in my deep guy voice, with female voice patterns, doing the feminine gestures that come naturally and without exaggeration and at peace.
    • Birdie
      Yes, my brother was born lactating due to absorbing hormones from my mum.    Of course she isn't a nurse, she is a CNA. She should however still have general medical knowledge.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I agree.  But sometimes unethical conduct must still be legal, because the cure would be worse than the disease.  One problem we have today with the internet is the trolls can gang up on someone and destroy them - we see the with school bullying as well.   He was in the Southern Baptist Convention, and maybe he should have moved his church over to say the American Baptists, who might have been able to help him. A Southern Baptist pastor is king in his church, peerless, which means he could not have gone for help in his church.  And he could not have gone for help from any other pastor in the SBC because they likely affirm the SBC statements on these matters.  I think he was stuck.    I read this when it came out in the news.  Very sad situation.  
    • Carolyn Marie
      One organization that I know of that is dedicated to assisting LGBT seniors is SAGE.  They advocate for, and have services for, all LGBT folks, not just trans folk.  You can find their website Here.  I am not sure what, if anything, they have in terms of financial assistance.  I'll let you know if I find anything else.   Carolyn Marie
    • Davie
    • VickySGV
      This was an angle that I was very suspicious of as well, and may be the hook on which the settlement was hung.      Not at all strange especially if they had former patients who moved there that still owed money on their bills or they were buying hospital supplies from a Texas corporation. They may have business licenses in other states as well.  Small loss, but saxeT shot itself in the foot there since the license was a source of income to the state. 
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Nah it's fine, I'm past the point of really blaming them most of the time. I've gotten used to it, and they could be a whole lot worse.   I'm glad you have a good place, though <3
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I wonder about the professional knowledge level here.  Men have milk ducts.  She, as a nurse, should know this.  This is interesting  https://www.livescience.com/45732-can-men-lactate.html  Yes, men can lactate and have lactated, trans or cis.  The idea that Birdie does not have milk ducts or tissue is just plain wrong.  Her statement indicates that she has not looked at the medical record, which she should be familiar with to treat the patient. 
    • Ivy
      Trans women can lactate under the right conditions. But that's not even the case in your situation.  It's so stupid how they simply refuse to accept your reality.
    • missyjo
      I used to include going ti worship but no longer    awkward good fir you. enjoy. :)   raine  sorry. my family is pretty lousy at support too. my part time job helps alot. hope it gets better fir you n all
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...