Sometimes I feel ok living nonbinary but deep down I know I am a man

[JustJack]

Hi all,

 

I have come out to my friends and family as nonbinary and told them I use they/them pronouns but I know on the inside that I'd prefer to use he/him pronouns and be seen as a man. I am at the very beginning on my journey and honestly feel like I am a late bloomer being 22 although I know many have started their transitions much later than I. I just feel like so many people see my as feminine and I presented as a girl for so long that it would be weird or they wouldn't really see me as a man. In my mind it feels better to present as nonbinary because it is easier/ more likely people will accept me that way because I have more feminine features and larger breasts that even when I use a binder you can usually see. I just know that I'm a man and I know that the name Jack feels right and I wish I could have just been born this way and I know that no matter how much I wish that that it will never happen. Tonight I emailed my doctor about starting testosterone which I think is the first step but I wish everything could just happen right now exactly how I want it to. I don't have any transmasc/FtM friends though I have a MtF friend who I don't feel like I can talk to about these issues with because I have the biggest crush on her so I feel like I'd be awkward and I don't know if she's even comfortable talking about that stuff. I have a coworker who is FtM but it is weird trying to reach out to him to talk/hangout since we are coworkers and I don't want to make it awkward. I just feel like I am all alone with these feelings with nobody to talk to or relate to and it really sucks. My ultimate goal is to get top surgery but it feels like its so unattainable and far away that it will never happen. I literally have dreams about being a man and having a flat chest and just being able to live the life I want to be seen as and every time I wake up from those dreams I feel like crying.

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums, Jack! You'll find lots of information and friendship here.  You are right that many of us have started our journeys later, much later in some cases, but I understand how it can all seem so overwhelming. Especially when you don't feel as if there is anywhere or anyone to help you find the answers. 

 

The questions racing through your mind and your emotions are not uncommon at all and can be overwhelming. But you can, and will, find answers and your truth.

 

Have you looked around your area to see if there are  LGBTQ+ groups where you might find people to talk to? Is there a possibility that you might be able to work with a gender therapist who could help you along the path? Many of us have found help and answers with the help of support groups and/or a therapist.

 

In any case, we are all here to help. Jump in where you feel comfortable and ask questions. We're glad you found us.

[Heather Shay]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. There are so many here who at absolutely wonderful and loving. And many who have similar stories and age who can answer your questions honestly and become true friends.

Hugs,

Heather

[Ashley0616]

Nice to see that you found us and more importantly joined us. There are plenty of people of the ones you are looking for. 

[Audrey]

Hi Jack, it is nice to meet you and welcome! The forums are a super safe and supportive space to talk about your feelings and experiences, and I am confident you will find solidarity with us and meet people who can relate to you. I can certainly relate to what you shared from very early in my own journey - the longing, the despair, the search for connections and compassion. I am confident you will find yourself and your path, and we are here to help you along the way.

 

I agree with @April Marie that a support group is a great idea. I used to live in Portland myself! If you are in or around the Portland area, or in the Willamette Valley, there are many great resources you can tap into. If you are in another part of the state, groups via Zoom might be an accessible idea.

 

I look forward to seeing you around!

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[KayC]

Hi Jack, and Welcome!
Image is a difficult obstacle to overcome.  Especially the ‘image’ the we feel ‘others’ have of us.  But the most important image, is the one we have of ourself.  Self-acceptance is the first goal we must achieve to make progress.

Having a gender therapist, a community (this Forum, the friends/co-workers you already have) and support groups (as mentioned) are all part of that.  But ultimately it’s up to our own determination.  Just realize (as most of us have experienced) this can take some time.  But you are in a good place here … so,

 

Deep breaths … one step at a time

[Vidanjali]

Hi and welcome, @JustJack. Please continue writing and sharing with us. There are folks here, myself included to a good extent, who can relate to you. There is a major dilemma about what you want to be called and how you feel it would be too challenging for other people. For that reason I have a hard time even asking to be called they/them (I like some masc terms, but don't think of myself as a he/him). I've talked about it with folks here and impactful feedback I recall has been to examine my motives for believing it's more acceptable for me to endure a lot of discomfort than to ask others to endure possible slight discomfort. It's something I continue to struggle with. Change takes time.