Trying to open up.

[Maisy]

Hello, I like to introduce myself, I’m been diagnosed with autism as a child and in my 30’s. I still living with my parents. I enjoy computers and technology, and as late been getting into art and story writing. I apologize if this is hard to read, I have poorly developed communication skills and It’s slow for me to respond.

 

I suffer from social isolation, and lack motivation to socialize For the longest time. I felt disconnected with the world around me. I always thought it had to do with something with my mental condition involving autism. But I’m not sure about that anymore. 

 

I had thoughts of wanting to be female in my mind ever since I was a child, I remembered the hours of me crying, wishing i was a girl. I wanted to ask for help , But I couldn’t do that because i was scared of my parents would do if they found out. 

 

My only choice was to accept it. But my mind would never let it go. I remembered, completely giving up on life after high school. So I turned to escapism, turning to video games, and just dreaming of the life I wanted. During that time, I would become very obese, with very little motivation to do anything.

 

But these last 5 years, I been losing a lot of weight 200+. I told my parents I lost it due to depressed, but I didn’t told them everything. The truth is, I promise myself if I lose a lot of weight I’ll transition into a woman. I didn’t though I would go through with it, but as time went by I realized I was so motivated I Losing the weight was easy.

 

I feel like I ever known myself, and how badly I wanted to be female. I was so scared of being rejected from my family I ever let myself explore it. But recently I made the online persona that’s a woman, And I when I use that persona, my anxiety goes away I’m not worried. Start doing things I never ever could do before like talking to people and sharing my art. Before I couldn’t talk anonymously on the Internet because I was so shy and scared. Now when I do get anxiety, I just laugh it off and say something, don’t feel like nothing holding me back.

 

I recently Bought some woman clothing to try, it be my first time trying… well actually, I think there was one time but I can’t remember what it was, I think it was like shorts or something. But anyways I didn’t really tied because I was so scared about my family discovering me.

 

I have been so worried about it, I prepare for the worst if they ever found out. I saved a lot of money, I have my own car. Currently my plans is to move as soon as I can but I don’t know when that will happen, all I can do is hope I can get a place soon.

 

I’m planning on seeking out help. I already found a therapist that specializes in transgender matters and has experience with autistic people. I’m planning on contact them sometime next month. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. but I’m not going to continue on like one more year.  Something needs to change, it been destroying my life for the last 30 years. And the only reason it’s improved at all because of my willpower to want this so bad. 

 

I’m very scared, I ever talk to anyone about this. normally I would have my parents help me getting a therapist or doctor, I ever set up an appointment for anything before in my life. I don’t even know where to start. But I figured trying to open up and talk more would help, so I seek out some forms where I can talk more slowly than on the chat or phone

 

 

[VickySGV]

Hi @Maisyand welcome to the Forums, we make it a point to be sure we are not scary and at the same time very welcoming and understanding for all our members.  Your life difference is one we know about and can be patient with you if you do have trouble communicating with us.  I think you will be a fine member and in time will feel comfortable in dealing with us.  Welcome indeed.

[Susan R]

Hello @Maisy! It’s a pleasure to have you here on our forum. I know how hard it can be opening up to others about such personal parts of our lives. I felt the exact same way just a few years ago.

 

1 hour ago, Maisy said:

I felt disconnected with the world around me.

You are not alone. So many of us have also felt this way growing up in a world that seemingly rejects things they haven’t experienced themselves and/or haven’t taken the time to try to understand.

 

1 hour ago, Maisy said:

I don’t even know where to start. But I figured trying to open up and talk more would help

I believe you’re on the right track. Seeking help from those who care and have lived a similar existence is a great start. Most of us on this forum have had the same questions and fears you express in your introduction. We are here to share a part of ourselves to learn more about who we are ant our core and also to help others who are on the same path. We want you to feel comfortable sharing your journey, asking questions, asking for advice, and in the end you may find some good friends and allies that you can trust. That’s our goal.

 

I hope to read more about your journey as it unfolds. Best of luck with your upcoming therapy. That was a great next step and I hope in time your therapist will help you learn even more about yourself and bring you greater confidence and hope.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Heather Shay]

Thank you for sharing and I am so glad you are here.

[Ashley0616]

3 hours ago, Maisy said:

Hello, I like to introduce myself, I’m been diagnosed with autism as a child and in my 30’s. I still living with my parents. I enjoy computers and technology, and as late been getting into art and story writing. I apologize if this is hard to read, I have poorly developed communication skills and It’s slow for me to respond.

 

I suffer from social isolation, and lack motivation to socialize For the longest time. I felt disconnected with the world around me. I always thought it had to do with something with my mental condition involving autism. But I’m not sure about that anymore. 

 

I had thoughts of wanting to be female in my mind ever since I was a child, I remembered the hours of me crying, wishing i was a girl. I wanted to ask for help , But I couldn’t do that because i was scared of my parents would do if they found out. 

 

My only choice was to accept it. But my mind would never let it go. I remembered, completely giving up on life after high school. So I turned to escapism, turning to video games, and just dreaming of the life I wanted. During that time, I would become very obese, with very little motivation to do anything.

 

But these last 5 years, I been losing a lot of weight 200+. I told my parents I lost it due to depressed, but I didn’t told them everything. The truth is, I promise myself if I lose a lot of weight I’ll transition into a woman. I didn’t though I would go through with it, but as time went by I realized I was so motivated I Losing the weight was easy.

 

I feel like I ever known myself, and how badly I wanted to be female. I was so scared of being rejected from my family I ever let myself explore it. But recently I made the online persona that’s a woman, And I when I use that persona, my anxiety goes away I’m not worried. Start doing things I never ever could do before like talking to people and sharing my art. Before I couldn’t talk anonymously on the Internet because I was so shy and scared. Now when I do get anxiety, I just laugh it off and say something, don’t feel like nothing holding me back.

 

I recently Bought some woman clothing to try, it be my first time trying… well actually, I think there was one time but I can’t remember what it was, I think it was like shorts or something. But anyways I didn’t really tied because I was so scared about my family discovering me.

 

I have been so worried about it, I prepare for the worst if they ever found out. I saved a lot of money, I have my own car. Currently my plans is to move as soon as I can but I don’t know when that will happen, all I can do is hope I can get a place soon.

 

I’m planning on seeking out help. I already found a therapist that specializes in transgender matters and has experience with autistic people. I’m planning on contact them sometime next month. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. but I’m not going to continue on like one more year.  Something needs to change, it been destroying my life for the last 30 years. And the only reason it’s improved at all because of my willpower to want this so bad. 

 

I’m very scared, I ever talk to anyone about this. normally I would have my parents help me getting a therapist or doctor, I ever set up an appointment for anything before in my life. I don’t even know where to start. But I figured trying to open up and talk more would help, so I seek out some forms where I can talk more slowly than on the chat or phone

 

 

In my opinion it was very clear and concise great job! It might help to create a woman character that you can identify as and no one will know the real reason. I suffer from social anxiety myself. I'm a military war veteran myself. I have learned to be careful because I saw a lot of two-faced people just so they could advance in their military career. I'm trying to get better. I can't handle crowds. I was swarmed by people in Iraq, and most were women wearing the traditional attire over there. You could pack a lot of explosives under there and no one would know until it's too late. Online it's easy but in person is different. Although when I started going to church that I go to still they were very accepting. They haven't attacked me. My pastor is learning about trans people, and I tell him my experiences. 

 

I can completely understand I was trans before I knew what it was. I'm 39 and will be the big 40 in June. I wished every day that God would make me a woman one morning. I knew my parents wouldn't help. My mom asked me why to wait so long. I told her as a child I felt this way and I knew they weren't going to help. I knew they would try to beat the trans out of me. I grew up with multiple suicide attempts and thoughts happened more than every day. It was multiple times. 

 

I did the same thing with escapism and would love to play video games when I could be a female. I was asked about it a lot and thankfully wasn't picked on for that. I understand about trying to lose weight. I was at 218 and still losing. The hormones and the psych meds that I was on caused me to gain weight. I'm still trying to lose weight. I got back up to 245 and told the doctors it's not working. I wanted to go through bariatric surgery, but they wanted to try a whole bunch of other things first. I'm now at 228. 

 

I came out on April 17, 2023, finally. I lost over 40 family members. I was very saddened by it. I lost my wife and stepson over it. She completely abandoned me. She wanted to get back with me on my birthday and I was excited and told everyone. 30 minutes later she broke up with me again. I felt so betrayed! Of all days on my birthday? Would I do it again if I knew the outcome? I would've done it back in 2022 after I was divorced the second time. You have to live for yourself and yourself alone. If I were you, I would wait to come out till you have your own place. Multiple kids were thrown out because of it. I'm not trying to scare you by any means but just my two cents. I had to live with my mom again too and definitely waited before I came out. 

 

My suggestion is to definitely continue to build who you really are. After I came out, I was able to express myself like never before. I bought myself flowers. I have a walk-in closet all to myself filled with all kinds of my kind of clothes. I slowly built up my 43-shoe collection. I'm not done yet. Size 13 shoe in women was kind of difficult but I have found a lot as you can tell. Self-love is extremely important. I'm glad that you haven't experienced any suicidal attempts. I was admitted to the psych ward multiple times. 

[Vidanjali]

@Maisy a warm welcome to you. Your communication was very clear. I am glad you reached out. This is a good and supportive community and I hope you will feel comfortable here. I am impressed with the progress you've made, loosing the weight and finding an appropriate therapist. Are there specific reasons why you believe your parents would not support you if you came put to them? 

[KayC]

Nice to meet you @Maisy, and Welcome! 
While it might not seem like it to you, to me it seems you have a very strong determination, and you have already made a lot of progress.  Very proud of you!

I think you have already seen the support from this Forum.  I hope you can stay with us …

 

Deep breaths … one step at a time

[Maisy]

Thank you, everyone for writing to me. Finding a safe place to talk about this isn’t easy in this world. 
 

as for my family, I’m not really sure anymore. Longest time I always thought they would just kick me out, because some of the horrible stories I heard before and thought they might do the same. But I don’t think they would do that now, there’s reasons for it, one I do pay rent, so there is some financial incentive And another’s reason. I’m more less worried about that now, but it would make life living here very difficult.. I can see them trying to starting arguments with me about it. I can definitely see myself losing ties with them right after I move out. 
 

I still love my family, but it makes it so hard that the world is like this. I wish I don’t have to worry about losing my family. I did everything I could to be as nice as I could, hoping that they put their hate to the side, and still love me. I just want the chance to explore This part of myself. I might not choose to transition. regardless what I decide what to do, after I move, I want my parents to know that I suffer from gender dysphoria ever since I was a child. That way that the secret will stop eating me from the inside, that way I don’t have to worry about them, discovering it . So I can finally heal.

 

These last four years has been the best years of my life so far, things are always getting better. I can’t wait to move. I’m happy that these forums are moderated very well, and has a great community. Thanks again for everyone for listening. It’s nice to know there are people like you in this world. 
 

 

 

 

 

 

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums, Maisy!!  I can understand just how difficult it can be to express the emotions you carry inside and how the fear of losing family and friends can make it even more difficult to open up.

 

You've already had some wonderful suggestions from others here so I won't repeat them. Just know that we are here to listen, to support and to help. Each of us is unique, as are you. Jump in where you feel comfortable, ask questions, or just observe. You've done a wonderful job of telling us about yourself. Be proud of who you are.

 

We're here when you need us.

[Charlize]

Glad you've joined us here.  When i joined this group i was just beginning to find and accept myself.  Posting here certainly helped.  I also went to therapy and that helped both me and my family to understand. 

We are here for each other.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Mysti]

Maisy, welcome to the forum, it's a pleasure to have you here. Yes, a lot of us have experienced a lot of what you have gone through and what you continue to go through. This is a great place to find support and to vent if you need to. Again, welcome.

 

Mysti