Friendly employer but still uncomfortable there

[Lorelei]

I started transitioning socially back in July of 2023 and medically in September of 2023, and have not had any harassment as a result of it. Unfortunately I am not comfortable going to the women’s bathroom at the office (I have presented as male for 19 years at the office and am worried that I will be harassed for using the ladies room), and after wearing a dress to the holiday party last month, I am no longer comfortable going to the men’s bathroom either. Lately I have been using the ladies room of the supermarket across the road. I can’t leave my employer because of my pension and health benefits, so my only other option is trying to get to change over to a different agency at the municipality I already work for. I can take my pension at 55 and get over 2/3 of my final average salary and keep my benefits when I retire in less than 13 years with 21 years already in. No way I am giving that up. Last month I did take a promotional civil service test for another agency at my current municipality, so if I get that I keep my pension and benefits (plus lots of vacation and sick time). I have my fingers crossed that the incumbent fails the test so I can step in to their position and start as a woman from day one. But that is a long shot and I don’t know what to do for right now. Sooner or later they will realize that I am leaving the premises to use the restroom, probably later as I am a field employee and spend a lot of time out of the office. I think I brought this up before, but in the lab building there are single occupancy restrooms, but they are kept locked for lab staff only. I am afraid to ask for the key to the ladies room there. Anyone have any ideas of how to proceed? Just get over my fear and ask for the key, or just use the ladies room when I develop more?

[Ashley0616]

It's just like anything else that you have transitioned in. It takes time till you feel comfortable enough to do so. You never know till you just use the bathroom. I don't think they will especially if you have been in that attire for a while now. They might think it's weird that you haven't been going already. We got to worry about our own opinions of ourselves. We are the ones who live with our decisions. It is just like socially transitioning and last month presenting the real you. It takes a big leap sometimes. I wish you good luck with your decision that only you can make.

[KathyLauren]

The first step is to know the legal and company/agency policies.  My impression is that your state does not have legislation limiting which bathrooms you can use. But it should be easy enough to check.  Then check with your agency's HR department to see what the agency policy is on bathroom use.

 

If the law and the company allow it, then it is only yourself holding you back.  I agree it feels weird going into the women's bathroom for the first time, but it becomes normal pretty quickly.  As a temporary measure, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask for a key to the single-use bathroom.

 

My rule of thumb has always been to use the bathroom that matches my presentation.

[Lorelei]

2 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

The first step is to know the legal and company/agency policies.  My impression is that your state does not have legislation limiting which bathrooms you can use. But it should be easy enough to check.  Then check with your agency's HR department to see what the agency policy is on bathroom use.

 

If the law and the company allow it, then it is only yourself holding you back.  I agree it feels weird going into the women's bathroom for the first time, but it becomes normal pretty quickly.  As a temporary measure, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask for a key to the single-use bathroom.

 

My rule of thumb has always been to use the bathroom that matches my presentation.

I am in NY, so I know I am the only one who is holding me back. 

[Audrey]

Hi @Theresa, another New Yorker here. I hear your discomfort, and I agree that your idea of asking for an accommodation to use a single occupancy restroom is more than reasonable. You will know when you are ready to take another step.

 

What is your relationship like with administration and human resources? I understand it can feel intimidating to approach them, but if they have fostered a supportive environment for you and your transition as you describe, it is likely that they want to hear your concerns and strive to maintain that supportive feeling for you when it comes to your workplace's restrooms. Also... How were you received by your colleagues at the holiday party in December? That could give you a pulse on their warmth and attitude on other things like seeing you in the women's restroom (again, when you are ready).

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Lorelei]

Yesterday I formally came out at work, giving my new name and gender to my boss. I still have not changed my email signature or added the “she/her” pronouns to it. I also just used the ladies bathroom (not the single occupancy ladies room at the lab) at work for the first time today. I have a shy bladder so I actually didn’t relieve myself but it is a start. Next time I will bring in a catheter with me. 

[Ashley0616]

13 minutes ago, Lorelei said:

Yesterday I formally came out at work, giving my new name and gender to my boss. I still have not changed my email signature or added the “she/her” pronouns to it. I also just used the ladies bathroom (not the single occupancy ladies room at the lab) at work for the first time today. I have a shy bladder so I actually didn’t relieve myself but it is a start. Next time I will bring in a catheter with me. 

LOL I remember when I had a shy bladder. The military changed that REAL quick! There were no dividers lol

[Carolyn Marie]

Congrats on coming out at work, @Lorelei!  That is a wonderful accomplishment.  I don't think there is any rush to do everything at once.  One step at a time is just fine.  I might suggest, if you have any female friends at work, to have one of them accompany you to the rest room.  It might relieve some stress and anxiety.  That's what I did, b/c there were a couple of women who said they were a bit nervous about me being in there.  Having a friend along relieved their stress, too.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Lorelei]

14 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

LOL I remember when I had a shy bladder. The military changed that REAL quick! There were no dividers lol

They would have discharged me for that after multiple trips to the base hospital to catheterize me or died of kidney failure. I would be too much of a liability. Fortunately I am not eligible for service for other reasons so that will never come up. 

[Lorelei]

15 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Congrats on coming out at work, @Lorelei!  That is a wonderful accomplishment.  I don't think there is any rush to do everything at once.  One step at a time is just fine.  I might suggest, if you have any female friends at work, to have one of them accompany you to the rest room.  It might relieve some stress and anxiety.  That's what I did, b/c there were a couple of women who said they were a bit nervous about me being in there.  Having a friend along relieved their stress, too.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

My problem is that I can’t go around when people that I know are nearby. Aside from my wife, but that was difficult at first too. I rarely have issues relieving myself in public restrooms when only strangers are around. In a busy restroom at Newark airport I had no problems peeing there. But at work knowing someone I know could walk in and hear me pee is a problem. That was even an issue when I used to use the men’s restroom.

[Lorelei]

Work has been has been much more comfortable now that I am using the correct restroom. I am now using the admin building ladies room not the single occupancy lab building bathroom. Going into it the first time was nerve wracking. Nobody has said anything or bothered me. I now feel more comfortable every time I go in there. Legally i am protected in NY. I no longer dread going to work and am far less inclined to go and try to find other employment.

 

As of Monday, everyone is trying getting used to call me Lorelei. They are getting pretty good at getting my feminine pronouns correct too. I have been working with some of these people for 21 years as a man named Rory so I am pretty forgiving if they get my name wrong. I was asked if I could be called Lori, but I declined. I still have to figure out which shortened name. Maybe I will go with Laur. Heck, maybe Lori is ok. Any suggestions for shortening Lorelei?

[Ashley0616]

I'm glad that you are getting more and more comfortable with the workplace. It's awesome that everyone is accepting and is and calling you by the proper pronouns and name. I personally like Lori because it is shorter and sounds great but that is my opinion. 

[MaeBe]

1 hour ago, Lorelei said:

I still have to figure out which shortened name. Maybe I will go with Laur. Heck, maybe Lori is ok. Any suggestions for shortening Lorelei?

I'm not sold on Lori as an abbreviation either, the phonetic "Lore" is what I'd go with. "Hey Lore! How are you doing this morning?"

 

Nicknames are usually given, so it may come out in the wash, but you definitely have every right to not be called something.

[Lorelei]

I am feeling much more comfortable at work. Today I had to inspect some contractors work (I am a field engineer) and they didn’t laugh or otherwise react to me in a dress, aside from asking my new name. After I told them they started calling me by Lorelei and got my pronouns correct. They had known me as a man for like 8 years so they did very good at getting it right. So yet another stressor is faced and it went well. So far the transition is going far better than I had expected. I got my new drivers license this morning and submitted all of the required documents to the personnel department to change my name in the IT system and payroll. As a field engineer the drivers license is required as I drive a county owned vehicle. Next step is getting my employee photo identification card, which I really haven’t used anyway. Low priority aside from the affirming use of my correct name gender and photograph. 

[Mmindy]

25 minutes ago, Lorelei said:

So far the transition is going far better than I had expected.

Good evening Lorelei,

 

This is a great update, I happy for you and the progress you've made in you life.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Ashley0616]

1 hour ago, Lorelei said:

I am feeling much more comfortable at work. Today I had to inspect some contractors work (I am a field engineer) and they didn’t laugh or otherwise react to me in a dress, aside from asking my new name. After I told them they started calling me by Lorelei and got my pronouns correct. They had known me as a man for like 8 years so they did very good at getting it right. So yet another stressor is faced and it went well. So far the transition is going far better than I had expected. I got my new drivers license this morning and submitted all of the required documents to the personnel department to change my name in the IT system and payroll. As a field engineer the drivers license is required as I drive a county owned vehicle. Next step is getting my employee photo identification card, which I really haven’t used anyway. Low priority aside from the affirming use of my correct name gender and photograph. 

That's awesome that things are going well at the work place. Congratulations as well with the new driver's license. Hopefully everything else will be just as smooth as that was. 

[MaeBe]

2 hours ago, Lorelei said:

I got my new drivers license this morning

Congratulations! I need to renew mine this month. Big question to answer, X or F. I don't think I can claim M anymore :D

[KathyLauren]

31 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Big question to answer, X or F. I don't think I can claim M anymore :D

 

Of course, bureaucracies are gonna do what the are gonna do.   When I initially changed mine, I got caught in a catch-22 where Nova Scotia wouldn't officially accept my gender change unless the UK changed my birth certificate, but the UK wouldn't change my birth certificate until Nova Scotia officially recognized my gender change.  It took a couple of years to resolve that one, during which time, I was driving around as Kathleen with a big M on my license.

 

I hope yours goes smoother.

[Susan R]

9 hours ago, Lorelei said:

After I told them they started calling me by Lorelei and got my pronouns correct. They had known me as a man for like 8 years so they did very good at getting it right.

I’m so happy for you, @Lorelei. Those are some good people you were working with that day. I hope this kind of affirmation continues as you move along with your transition. Getting the pronouns right is so hard when someone has known you that long. Kudos to them for making the effort.

 

Great Update,

Susan R🌷

 

 

[Lorelei]

On 3/6/2024 at 12:31 PM, MaeBe said:

I'm not sold on Lori as an abbreviation either, the phonetic "Lore" is what I'd go with. "Hey Lore! How are you doing this morning?"

 

Nicknames are usually given, so it may come out in the wash, but you definitely have every right to not be called something.

My nickname is still likely “Swamp Fox” even though nobody calls me that anymore. I got it a long time ago when I was really good finding sewer manholes running through the swamps. Used to be able to run circles around the guys that normally do that.