Feeling Hurt, Confused, and Disappointed.

[Jet McCartney]

I wrote a letter to my grandparents, coming out to them. I told them that my dad kicked me out of his house, and I told them of some of the physical abuse I endured because of him. (Please keep in mind that my dad is their son.) Anyways, I told them that I was trans, a man, and that I had legally changed my name. I also included photos of me so they could see what I look like now. (I have a moustache.) I asked to see them because it has been nearly 7 years since I last visited. (My dad used to keep me and my siblings away from his parents because his mom is a feminist.)

I wasn't expecting any response to be honest, as most other people I've come out to have cut me off.

Yet, after a few days, I received an email back. Not only did they use my correct name, but they told me that they still loved me and were proud of me. 

What a relief!

But...apparently things weren't as great as I had hoped. 

After this, they started sending me letters with my old name. Birthday cards, updates, etc. 

This most recent one they described me as their "beautiful granddaughter," and they said how excited they were to see me as the "beautiful lady I am." 

I have no idea why the change occurred. Did my parents talk to them and convince them I was "delusional?" Did they forget? I haven't seen them in so long that I don't know the state of their memory or mental health.

Either way, I am deeply hurt by this. I don't know why they would have said that they accepted me, and then turned around and said the opposite. 

I still really want to see them, but I'm not sure if I should now. 

They live in another state, and getting there would take so much effort. I wouldn't want to spend all of that time just to get my hopes crushed. 

I have heard that they are in bad health.

 

[Mmindy]

Oh my Jet, I’m so sorry your family has managed to sway your grandparents to turn against you and your transition. There’s a common phrase here on the forums, “Found Family Members can love stronger and deeper than blood family”. I hope you find some supporting friends who develop into family members who love you for who you are. 
 

I’m a grandparent who hopes my grandchildren don’t cut me out as I transition. I’m out to my grown children however they chose not to bring their children into the circle of family who know about my transition. I’m sure the older ones have ideas, because of the androgynous nature I present. 
 

Hugs and positive vibes,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Mmindy]

Fate, coincident, or whatever. This was the first meme that popped up on another one of my socials. 

[Ashley0616]

@Jet McCartney I’m sorry what has transpired. I can only imagine how happy you were initially and then saddened by what happened. 

[April Marie]

Oh, Jet, I’m so sorry. It seems as if your father may have intervened to sway your grandparents. There’s no telling what type of pressure he may have exerted on them.

 

I would suggest reaching out to your grandparents and reinforce that you, Jet, their grandson, wants very much to see them. Life is so short and I fear that if you don’t at least try to see them, you’ll always second guess your decision. Better to have it be disappointing than to carry not knowing all your life, IMHO.

 

You know you have the love and support of your “family” here.

[Vidanjali]

I don't believe it is necessarily the case that your father intervened or that your grandparents withdrew their support. I would encourage you not to jump to that conclusion. I understand this is nerve-wracking for you, @Jet McCartney. You had to open up an be vulnerable to come out to them in the first place. Then, elation at being accepted by them, only to find that that acceptance seems to have vanished. 

 

You shared that your father is estranged from his parents to some extent. Not knowing your grandparents as well as you might have if your father allowed that relationship to develop, you can only infer about their relationship with your him. Would they have reached out to him about your having come out to them? And if so do you think they would necessarily follow his lead on how to respond to you given his past behavior? Afterall, did your grandmother cease being a feminist just because he did not approve? Then would she likely likewise stop being a trans ally just because of something he said? These are rhetorical questions, just food for thought

 

About how old are your grandparents? Indeed memory of details that are of utmost importance to you may not necessarily be retained but folks advancing in years, especially if they don't have a general familiarity with trans issues. (Disclaimer - this is in no way shade at folks experienced in life! My opinion is that age is a privilege and an honor. It's just a fact that memory is a fickle thing and affects us in various ways as we age.) I've experienced this myself and I'll give you an example. I came out over the phone one time to a friend who is a former colleague. He is in his mid 70s. He is an intelligent and active person with a generally sharp mind and a dear heart. He is also a member of the LGBTQ+ community, being gay. We had an entire conversation about me being trans. We laughed, we cried, the whole nine. I felt great about it. Next time I saw him was a few months later at a group lunch. We sat next to each other. I ordered a gigantic salad and when it arrived he commented, "you must be a hungry girl!" I said, "no, but I am a hungry person." And he just looked at me kind of blank like he missed a joke. 

 

So, it is within the realm of possibility that for whatever reason the intimate information you shared with your grandparents about yourself did not stick. It may not be personal or insidious whatsoever. Nonetheless, it hurts. I would encourage you to speak with them on the phone and to start again with reminding them about the letter you sent with picture and how amazing it felt to get that first email from them. It may very well be the case that the love and support you initially felt is still there waiting for you. It may just require adjustment time for it to gel in their minds.