I'm an AMAB nonbinary person married to a male and wondering how my HRT will affect my relationship

[Owly]

I just started HRT about 6 weeks ago and I'm nervous about how the changes from HRT will affect my relationship with my husband. My libido is about 70% lower since I started the HRT so that doesn't help me connect with my husband intimately.  I asked him how he felt about it and he said he is ok with it.  I tell myself that he will bring up any issues that come up for him but I am afraid he may not feel like he can tell me how this all makes him feel for fear of not sounding/being supportive.  I don't want to hound him with questions about it either.  To give a little more context to this post I'll share about my past.  I was teased a lot as a kid for being girly so as I got older (middle school and beyond) I tried very hard to hide the girly side and compensate by being as masculine as possible. This was reinforced when I came out as gay because as you all know, the gay men's world had 2 basic categories, masculine and feminine and just like in the CisHet world, the masculine gays were "at the top of the food chain". In my 20s i worked out a lot (one of my first boyfriends was a 'muscle queen'), and wanted to build muscle and be as masculine as possible because I believed that was expected of me. I was miserable.  I was depressed and felt like I didn't belong (I didn't realize that I was feeling like I didn't belong until later in my 30s). I attracted other muscular guys mostly and I thought I "was doing it right".  I was always afraid to let down my guard and be feminine.  I was only able to be feminine with my other latino friends, and boy did I let the girl out! hehehe. i was happy when I was able to be myself but alas societal expectations/pressures got the best of me. Based on what my husband has shared over the years, I've deducted that he is attracted to manly men (he'll point out bearded guys with hot bodies often) so I think my fears are based on this notion. He's reassured me that he's still attracted to me but it's hard for me to own that since the things about me he's pointed out in the past are "fading" with HRT and my decisions to trim my arms & chest, use nail polish, eye liner, tinted lip balm. I'm feeling very free since starting HRT and it kinda sucks that maybe i'm thinking too much about the what ifs regarding my relationship. We've been together for 13 years so we have a very strong foundation. I'm kinda just venting and wondering if there's anyone out there who's faced something similar after starting HRT. Love, M (they/them). 

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Owly said:

I just started HRT about 6 weeks ago and I'm nervous about how the changes from HRT will affect my relationship with my husband. My libido is about 70% lower since I started the HRT so that doesn't help me connect with my husband intimately.  I asked him how he felt about it and he said he is ok with it.  I tell myself that he will bring up any issues that come up for him but I am afraid he may not feel like he can tell me how this all makes him feel for fear of not sounding/being supportive.  I don't want to hound him with questions about it either.

Owly,

 

Did you discuss going on HRT with your husband before starting them? You’ve been together for 13 years and I’m sure he knows and understands the path you’re on. I don’t think you will be hounding him for his opinions or views as you move forward. He may know more about you than you realize and he wants to see you feel comfortable and compete as you feel you should be. 
 

Conversation and communication are key to success in a long term relationship. 
 

I wish you both the best and hope to keep in touch with you and this thread.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Owly]

52 minutes ago, Mmindy said:

Owly,

 

Did you discuss going on HRT with your husband before starting them? You’ve been together for 13 years and I’m sure he knows and understands the path you’re on. I don’t think you will be hounding him for his opinions or views as you move forward. He may know more about you than you realize and he wants to see you feel comfortable and compete as you feel you should be. 
 

Conversation and communication are key to success in a long term relationship. 
 

I wish you both the best and hope to keep in touch with you and this thread.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Thank you Mindy!

i think you're absolutely right. I think he knows about me more than I know because he doesn't have to deal with the fear and insecurity that comes with finding out who I am.

hugs

[Susan R]

5 hours ago, Owly said:

My libido is about 70% lower since I started the HRT

I just want to add that in my case, I experienced the same libido response you’re having, initially. It’s has never come back to my pre-HRT levels TBH. That being said, I did notice after my E and T levels became stable (after a year or so on HRT), my libido recovered quite a bit. Even then, you may also notice weekly variations in your libido. I have one or two weeks a month of heightened libido and then a week or two of somewhat low interest. Before beginning HRT, my libido was always high but let up slowly and evenly well into my 50’s. Obviously, This is my take on it. Everyone is slightly different due to the body chemistry, prescribed hormone doses, stress levels, other medications, and other factors. It may be a little early to start worrying too much about this as it is still relatively early in your treatment but it is something you may want to discuss with your prescriber or PCP.

 

6 hours ago, Owly said:

He's reassured me that he's still attracted to me but it's hard for me to own that since the things about me he's pointed out in the past are "fading" with HRT and my decisions to trim my arms & chest, use nail polish, eye liner, tinted lip balm.

As @Mmindy stated, good communication can get you through so many of these bumps in the road to a complete relationship. The nice thing about your situation is that It sounds like your husband wants you to be happy, be yourself and he seems to be willing to adapt and work with you on this given the chance. I think your continued openness with him can strengthen your bond further and he may just find other facets about you that he finds just as attractive but in a very different way.

 

I wish you both the very best in this.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Susan R said:

As @Mmindy stated, good communication can get you through so many of these bumps in the road to a complete relationship. The nice thing about your situation is that It sounds like your husband wants you to be happy, be yourself and he seems to be willing to adapt and work with you on this given the chance.

Hi @Owly.  Nice to meet you!
I agree with what @Mmindy and @Susan R said above.  I will just add my own experience with HRT, libido, and desire for emotional intimacy.
First, it took several months before I noticed my libido drop off.  Everybody is different but I am wondering if your relationship anxieties are affecting this more than the HRT at this point (?).

Secondly notice I identified libido and desire for emotional intimacy separately.  My sex drive (libido) is definitely down after about a year on HRT … I am actually happy about that.  Yeah!! But I still desire emotional intimacy that includes physical intimacy.  To me that’s just part of a healthy relationship (if both partners feel the same).  I guess I feel like the way I assume most women feel … I don’t NEED sex, but I am happy to connect emotionally/physically with my partner.

So it’s possible you can keep the dialogue open and take your time, to see how things go.  And … if there are true concerns, individual and couples therapy might be helpful to you both.

Wishing the best for you and your husband.  

Deep breaths … one step at a time

[Owly]

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

I just want to add that in my case, I experienced the same libido response you’re having, initially. It’s has never come back to my pre-HRT levels TBH. That being said, I did notice after my E and T levels became stable (after a year or so on HRT), my libido recovered quite a bit. Even then, you may also notice weekly variations in your libido. I have one or two weeks a month of heightened libido and then a week or two of somewhat low interest. Before beginning HRT, my libido was always high but let up slowly and evenly well into my 50’s. Obviously, This is my take on it. Everyone is slightly different due to the body chemistry, prescribed hormone doses, stress levels, other medications, and other factors. It may be a little early to start worrying too much about this as it is still relatively early in your treatment but it is something you may want to discuss with your prescriber or PCP.

 

As @Mmindy stated, good communication can get you through so many of these bumps in the road to a complete relationship. The nice thing about your situation is that It sounds like your husband wants you to be happy, be yourself and he seems to be willing to adapt and work with you on this given the chance. I think your continued openness with him can strengthen your bond further and he may just find other facets about you that he finds just as attractive but in a very different way.

 

I wish you both the very best in this.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

Thank you @Susan R!

tonight I realized I’m anxious because I’m scared and I’m trying to relieve my anxiety and fear by knowing how he feels. This is all so relatively new. I need to give him time and space to process. 
I am a big believer that things work out the way they’re supposed to. 
 I’ve never liked myself the way I do now. In 48 years I never truly loved myself. I attempted suicide around age 22. 
My husband knows me better than most people. And he has shown over and over that he loves me unconditionally.  
thank you

hugs

m

[Owly]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Hi @Owly.  Nice to meet you!
I agree with what @Mmindy and @Susan R said above.  I will just add my own experience with HRT, libido, and desire for emotional intimacy.
First, it took several months before I noticed my libido drop off.  Everybody is different but I am wondering if your relationship anxieties are affecting this more than the HRT at this point (?).

Secondly notice I identified libido and desire for emotional intimacy separately.  My sex drive (libido) is definitely down after about a year on HRT … I am actually happy about that.  Yeah!! But I still desire emotional intimacy that includes physical intimacy.  To me that’s just part of a healthy relationship (if both partners feel the same).  I guess I feel like the way I assume most women feel … I don’t NEED sex, but I am happy to connect emotionally/physically with my partner.

So it’s possible you can keep the dialogue open and take your time, to see how things go.  And … if there are true concerns, individual and couples therapy might be helpful to you both.

Wishing the best for you and your husband.  

Deep breaths … one step at a time

Thank you @KayC!

you’re absolutely right. I’ve been very stressed about not having any desire to have sex with my husband and didn’t realize that the stress could be making it worse. 
I will try to chill out and let things be. 
and I 💯 agree with what you said about wanting to connect emotionally over  physical intimacy.

 

[Owly]

7 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Owly,

 

Did you discuss going on HRT with your husband before starting them? You’ve been together for 13 years and I’m sure he knows and understands the path you’re on. I don’t think you will be hounding him for his opinions or views as you move forward. He may know more about you than you realize and he wants to see you feel comfortable and compete as you feel you should be. 
 

Conversation and communication are key to success in a long term relationship. 
 

I wish you both the best and hope to keep in touch with you and this thread.

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Hi Mindy

i didn’t discuss it with him in depth. I told him I was going to start taking estrogen in a very low dose. Not an excuse but I was scared he wouldn’t understand or agree with me. 
I also felt it was a decision that was for me to make on my own. But now that I say it I feel selfish because this decision will affect him/us. 
I think I should apologize for not having a better conversation about HRT with him. 
best 

m

[Vidanjali]

Hi love. Thanks for sharing more about yourself. I think so many of us understand that drive to perform the gender expected of us and the strain and pain involved.

 

Now, let's start with the fact that you have affirmed the strength of the foundation of your relationship. Is that relationship based on mere infatuation? I don't think it could be. Your husband may have a personal liking for masculine men and that may not change. But likes and dislikes are not what makes a person. Those things are superficial. He loves YOU, not the "likes" he may have associated with you when he first developed attraction to you. You are still you & love is still love. What bonds you is deeper than "likes" and that which attracts him to you is likewise deeper. In fact, what could be more attractive than authenticity? A good partner wants nothing more than for their partner to be happy. He must feel satisfaction over you living your best life. If he really analyzes and dwells on what would be the ideal culmination of the satisfaction of his base desires, then certainly he could become grumpy about your journey of self discovery. But is it realistic that he'd go so deeply down such a rabbit hole to the peril of both his and your happiness? From what you say about him, that's extremely unlikely.

 

All this I'm telling you from my own lived experience and insight. I've dealt with very similar stuff with my husband. It's normal to feel anxious about all this because you're the one whose changing. But take time to take inventory of the stability in your life. Trust. Just check in with him from time to time. You can do so without feeling like you're pestering him with questions. Start by sharing what you're going through. Talk about your relationship to masculinity and femininity. Tell him what attracts you to him. Develop greater emotional and sensual intimacy. There are many ways to be and feel close. Don't fret. Celebrate. Your happiness is his happiness. 

[Owly]

On 1/29/2024 at 4:40 PM, Vidanjali said:

Hi love. Thanks for sharing more about yourself. I think so many of us understand that drive to perform the gender expected of us and the strain and pain involved.

 

Now, let's start with the fact that you have affirmed the strength of the foundation of your relationship. Is that relationship based on mere infatuation? I don't think it could be. Your husband may have a personal liking for masculine men and that may not change. But likes and dislikes are not what makes a person. Those things are superficial. He loves YOU, not the "likes" he may have associated with you when he first developed attraction to you. You are still you & love is still love. What bonds you is deeper than "likes" and that which attracts him to you is likewise deeper. In fact, what could be more attractive than authenticity? A good partner wants nothing more than for their partner to be happy. He must feel satisfaction over you living your best life. If he really analyzes and dwells on what would be the ideal culmination of the satisfaction of his base desires, then certainly he could become grumpy about your journey of self discovery. But is it realistic that he'd go so deeply down such a rabbit hole to the peril of both his and your happiness? From what you say about him, that's extremely unlikely.

 

All this I'm telling you from my own lived experience and insight. I've dealt with very similar stuff with my husband. It's normal to feel anxious about all this because you're the one whose changing. But take time to take inventory of the stability in your life. Trust. Just check in with him from time to time. You can do so without feeling like you're pestering him with questions. Start by sharing what you're going through. Talk about your relationship to masculinity and femininity. Tell him what attracts you to him. Develop greater emotional and sensual intimacy. There are many ways to be and feel close. Don't fret. Celebrate. Your happiness is his happiness. 

Hi @Vidanjali!  You almost made me cry with your post! You put it so beautifully. And you are so right about so many things. Maybe my defense mechanism is to always doubt those who love me. (I was very neglected as a kid so I have some issues). I really appreciate you taking the time to write and all the wise advise you've given me. Thank you so much.

I will take your advise and believe, be patient and find (and focus on) the things that brought/bring us together after 13 years.

hugs,

M

[Vidanjali]

8 hours ago, Owly said:

Maybe my defense mechanism is to always doubt those who love me. (I was very neglected as a kid so I have some issues).

 

I relate very much to this and I am sorry for the pain you've experienced. It definitely has a lasting impact and makes it very challenging throughout life to trust in love. But on the bright side (I like to believe there is always a blessing, even if it's in disguise) it can strengthen your resolve to pursue love and to learn profoundly what it really means. 

 

8 hours ago, Owly said:

I really appreciate you taking the time to write and all the wise advise you've given me. Thank you so much.

 

To wit, I am blessed by being able to share what I've learned with you. It is my pleasure, dear.