No Motivation + Flunking College

[Jet McCartney]

Hey all, 

I'm sorry this isn't directly related to being trans, but all of you always seem to have such good perspectives and knowledge, so I was wondering if you had any thoughts/ advice on this?

I am in college, and I am loving it. I have been trying to go for ages and I finally made it in. I engage in all of my classes, all of my professors like me, and I genuinely enjoy being there. However, I don't have a car, so I miss many of my classes. I also usually don't have internet, so I miss a lot of my assignments. At the moment, I am failing all but one class. This is embarrassing to me and I feel like an absolute failure. My therapist recently quit, so I haven't had anyone to talk to about this.

 

If I am being 100% honest, however, the reason I am failing is because of me. Yes I don't have internet or transportation, but even when I have a chance, I never just sit down and do my work. I find it nearly impossible to start, especially now that there are 10+ assignments I am late on. I have been a life-long procrastinator, and always fly by the seat of my pants. I only barely passed high school because I got it together enough the last month before I graduated to make it.

 

I am lazy. I would rather do anything than work or school. (Even now I am typing this at work.)

I believe part of my problem is because things have always worked out in the end for me, I stopped trying. And believe me, I have been through hardship. I have been homeless and broke and all other things someone could be, but I always just assumed things would work out. Whether through luck, kindness, or my own effort, they have. I am finding, however, that this laid-back approach to life is not doing me any favours in college. I don't know how to stop, though. I have severe ADHD, and I legitimately can't do anything without medication to keep me calm and focused. It can actually be a nightmare sometimes. Unfortunately, I have not been able to get medication for nearly a year now, and I am suffering for it. 

 

I have been in a manic episode for the past 3 weeks, and have not slept in 4 days. I drank an entire bottle of rum last night and stayed up till 4 just playing video games. I am unable to see that I am manic until it starts lessening, however, and only now am I coming to the realisation. (It happens every darn time and I still can't recognise it.) 

 

Anyways, do you have any advice for me? How do I "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and kick myself into gear? I'm used to hard work, but I am fundamentally lazy, and I am worried about where this path will take me. I want to be comfortable in life and not just rely on luck anymore, because the luck can run out. I've been through hell and back, but I always remain hopeful that things will just work out. Is this hurting me?

 

Thank you,

~Jet

[April Marie]

Hi, Jet!! Let me start by saying I've been missing your posts and interaction here. People come and go through the forums but you stood out to me and I've wondered what's been going on with you.

 

Oh, but if there were only an easy answer to your questions. Your last, "Is this hurting me?", is easiest since you've already answered it in your post. Yes. Your approach to school and life are hurting you....but I think you already knew that.

 

Just like struggling with transgender issues, you are not alone in struggling with college and life as you are. And, it seems evident that the combination of your identity struggles and ADHD are part and parcel causes for at least some of your struggles.

 

Of course, I am almost 70 but worked for a good number of years in higher education administration after retiring from the Army, so take what I offer with a grain of salt. The lens through which I see life is different than yours.

 

I found that many people go to college for the wrong reasons or at the wrong time. College is a stepping stone to your life goals, not an answer to them. I saw many students wasting their time and money in classes, not because they couldn't handle the work but because they really didn't have any idea why they were there. What was their ultimate goal that required them to be successful in college? Going just because it is fun or seems expected is a path to failure. My wife was, right out of high school, one of those students. She went because she had no other idea of what to do and because her parents expected her to...and she didn't do well. It wasn't until 8 years later that she had a plan on what she wanted to do and understood what college path would help her to be successful.

 

So, why are you going to college? How will getting a degree get you to what you want to do, at least for now, with your life? If you can't answer those questions, I think you need to re-look going to college, at least for now.

 

I would recommend that you go see one of your school's academic counselor and share the difficulties you are having with transportation and the internet. It's early in the semester and, perhaps you might be able to get some assistance, additional time or consider dropping some of the courses rather than fail them. Withdrawing will have a much lesser impact of your future enrollment than failing both in terms of the college's admissions policies as well as those that determine eligibility for academic aid.

 

Did you have an IEP in high school for your ADHD? They don't carry over into college but I'd also suggest you seek out the college's director who handles Disability Services. That person will be able to assist you in determining if you are, or can be, granted accommodations in your course work. I can't tell you how many students I saw who thrived once we understood the level of their disability and were able to get them the accommodations they needed. And, you are not alone in those needs. I saw that a very large number of our students had need of the services.

 

The school's medical staff may also be able to direct you to counseling and assistance with your medication needs. Our college had an agreement with a local healthcare provider for medical and prescription services and worked with another to provide counseling support to students who didn't have the financial ability to pay. Your college may also have something similar.

 

Just as with college, work can seem daunting and burdensome if you don't really know what you want to do in life. Do you have a career goal? A desire? A dream? Anything like that can help to provide a motivation to keep you focused. And, then that will help you define what, if any, college you might need to achieve your goals. I know this might sound trite but how do you know what path to take if you don't know where you're going?

 

It does sound to me that your ADHD is a root cause of much of your struggle right now and that, to me sounds like something you need to try to get under control. So, if the college can't help you is there a local industry that has jobs available with healthcare so that you can get the medication you need?

 

Just like with our gender struggles, you'll find that many of us have similar issue and challenges so never feel alone. I was a huge procrastinator and got through high school and much of my early college because I could cram at the end and pass. But, I suddenly found that success in life requires a better plan and more focus. Getting married young - and I would not recommend that to anyone - ultimately shocked me into action but it was the realization that I had the opportunity to achieve a life dream of becoming a military officer if I just applied myself that ultimately changed my outlook and approach. I saw my dream and went after it.

 

I'll stop here - don't want to overwhelm you. Everything you described is fixable. Perhaps not all at once but over time. I saw so many students in your position figure it out with the help of the services we could provide and, perhaps with the help of friends. 

 

I'm sure I've missed something so feel free to ask questions, correct my assumptions...or just tell me that you think I'm just an old crazy woman. 🙂 I've been called much worse.

 

And, feel free to reach out to me by PM if you think I can be of assistance. 

 

But, most of all, know that we are here to help. You are an awesome person!!!

[MaeBe]

I think breaking things down into smaller wins may help. You've done quite a bit of that, maybe you see the big umbrella of suck and get scared. Failing college, you state, is: late assignments, that are caused by distraction and access (car/internet), which cause a big backlog, which creates a bigger procrastination problem (does "I am so far behind, why even try?" sound like it fits?).

 

To me, from far outside, it seems like getting your ADHD meds sorted should be the priority. That one thing ties to everything else in some way. What are the blockers to getting your prescription refilled? Break it down step by step. Is it a money thing? Is it a provider issue? Is it transportation or some other issue? Build a hierarchy for getting ADHD meds by bulleting it out. Build an outline to getting meds and see where you may be able to make a positive step, for instance:

• I can't get meds because I cannot get my prescription refilled?
  • Why? I don't have a provider to fill the script
    • Why? I don't have insurance
      • Why? I don't have a job that offers it
      • Do I need insurance?
        • Can I pay out of pocket?
          • Yes, but it's expensive
            • How much?
              • $XXX/month
                • How could I pay for that?
                  • Can I get a couple more shifts?
                  • Can I cut back on some expenses
        • Is there an alternative method to getting care (free clinics, government programs, etc.)
        • Etc.

That is all purely hypothetical, but the goal is to find the small changes that can add up or are small enough to reasonably bypass how big the problem really seems. Like, "if I can get two more shifts a week I could afford meds on my own". Now you know what you have to do: try to get two more shifts. Can't get more shifts? Cut back expenses, because the meds make my life way better. Just keep thinking down the chain until you find something you can do, because in the end it's all to your benefit that you do.

[Ashley0616]

Well I came here to say something but I'm not going to beat a dead horse. A lot of good points were made by the two. Sometimes we are simply forced to do things that we don't want to do and there's no other way around it. I wish you luck and hopefully will turn it around soon.

[Vidanjali]

Hey Jet. Speaking as a former college professor, here's my advice.

 

Your college may have a lot of resources you're not taking advantage of. More about that.

 

First thing to do is write each of your professors for which you're not passing a humble and candid email. Tell them just what you told us, just stick with the facts. You do care about your education, you have transportation and Internet access issues, you have cognitive and mental health issues which are not being managed right now, AND that you are owning your responsibility in this predicament. Tell them you want to learn about resources available to students, ask them if it's realistic to still pass the class, and if it is would they be willing to help guide and support you by helping you organize a plan to get caught up & keep up. Keep an open line of communication with your professors, even if you fall further behind, stay in touch with them and always be honest. Find out their office hours and if it fits your work schedule, go in person to speak with them. My students presented with all sorts of life challenges, as you can probably imagine. Regardless of the outcome of how they did in the class, they all felt at least a little better being able to talk with me and having someone listen to, understand them, and be an ally. Moreover, if it comes down to it by the end of the semester, you may seek a "grade" of incomplete for the class, depending on the college's policies and your status in the class. In such a case, it's helpful to have a history of dialogue with the professor. 

 

Now, your college ought to have some sort of student services department which can help you with some of the issues you're having. For example, often students have a short term behavioral health benefit available. Find out about this and see someone to get your ADHD script updated & begin to address the mania. The college where I taught began to offer a ride share benefit for students. Find out if there's anything like that, or any carpooling opportunities. Student services can help direct you. Your college also should have wifi on campus and computers for student use in either the library or some sort of learning center. Draft a weekly schedule for yourself of classes, work, and any other significant regular activities. Determine specific time slots when you'll go to wherever they have wifi or computers on campus and do school work like it's your job because it really is. It's not easy to get started with a new disciplined routine, but as it's said, "well begun, half done". That is, you will gain momentum and be perpetually gratified by the work because you'll have a sense of pride and accomplishment. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Well, others have given great advice on how to fix it.  If that's what you'd like to do.  Let me offer a little piece of something different. 

 

College isn't right for everybody.  And some people who its right for, it might not be right at the "normal" time of adolescence/young adulthood.  Perhaps you're interested in the information in classes and in relationships with teachers and fellow students, but other aspects of college just aren't for you at all, or aren't for you at this stage in life. 

 

My sister is a good example of how motivation doesn't always show up when we want it to.  For a long time she wanted to be a writer.  She tried here and there, wrote some short stories that won writing contests and even a novel...but her efforts were kind of intermittent.  As far as doing anything practical that paid bills?  It basically didn't happen.  After high school she lived with girlfriends or lived with our parents, and when GF came along she moved in with us.  Since then, she's been living with me in our forever family.  I sometimes asked myself if I should push her toward doing something productive, but I figured she'd come to it on her own.  And you know what? She has!  She decided to go to police academy, and now she's a deputy sheriff.  She's also running in our local elections this year.  Perhaps she was kind of lost in her 20's, but now in her 30's she has goals and direction. 

 

You mention that in the past, things have always worked out in the end, whether by luck or by favors (or also likely by Providence.)  While some things will need effort on your part, perhaps taking on too much stress about it won't be what gets you through this temporary situation.  And yes, its temporary - like the others that have come before it.  We don't always find our path in an easy or timely manner.  "All that is gold does not glitter...not all who wander are lost." 

[Jet McCartney]

On 2/12/2024 at 12:15 PM, April Marie said:

Hi, Jet!! Let me start by saying I've been missing your posts and interaction here. People come and go through the forums but you stood out to me and I've wondered what's been going on with you.

 

Oh, but if there were only an easy answer to your questions. Your last, "Is this hurting me?", is easiest since you've already answered it in your post. Yes. Your approach to school and life are hurting you....but I think you already knew that.

 

Just like struggling with transgender issues, you are not alone in struggling with college and life as you are. And, it seems evident that the combination of your identity struggles and ADHD are part and parcel causes for at least some of your struggles.

 

Of course, I am almost 70 but worked for a good number of years in higher education administration after retiring from the Army, so take what I offer with a grain of salt. The lens through which I see life is different than yours.

 

I found that many people go to college for the wrong reasons or at the wrong time. College is a stepping stone to your life goals, not an answer to them. I saw many students wasting their time and money in classes, not because they couldn't handle the work but because they really didn't have any idea why they were there. What was their ultimate goal that required them to be successful in college? Going just because it is fun or seems expected is a path to failure. My wife was, right out of high school, one of those students. She went because she had no other idea of what to do and because her parents expected her to...and she didn't do well. It wasn't until 8 years later that she had a plan on what she wanted to do and understood what college path would help her to be successful.

 

So, why are you going to college? How will getting a degree get you to what you want to do, at least for now, with your life? If you can't answer those questions, I think you need to re-look going to college, at least for now.

 

I would recommend that you go see one of your school's academic counselor and share the difficulties you are having with transportation and the internet. It's early in the semester and, perhaps you might be able to get some assistance, additional time or consider dropping some of the courses rather than fail them. Withdrawing will have a much lesser impact of your future enrollment than failing both in terms of the college's admissions policies as well as those that determine eligibility for academic aid.

 

Did you have an IEP in high school for your ADHD? They don't carry over into college but I'd also suggest you seek out the college's director who handles Disability Services. That person will be able to assist you in determining if you are, or can be, granted accommodations in your course work. I can't tell you how many students I saw who thrived once we understood the level of their disability and were able to get them the accommodations they needed. And, you are not alone in those needs. I saw that a very large number of our students had need of the services.

 

The school's medical staff may also be able to direct you to counseling and assistance with your medication needs. Our college had an agreement with a local healthcare provider for medical and prescription services and worked with another to provide counseling support to students who didn't have the financial ability to pay. Your college may also have something similar.

 

Just as with college, work can seem daunting and burdensome if you don't really know what you want to do in life. Do you have a career goal? A desire? A dream? Anything like that can help to provide a motivation to keep you focused. And, then that will help you define what, if any, college you might need to achieve your goals. I know this might sound trite but how do you know what path to take if you don't know where you're going?

 

It does sound to me that your ADHD is a root cause of much of your struggle right now and that, to me sounds like something you need to try to get under control. So, if the college can't help you is there a local industry that has jobs available with healthcare so that you can get the medication you need?

 

Just like with our gender struggles, you'll find that many of us have similar issue and challenges so never feel alone. I was a huge procrastinator and got through high school and much of my early college because I could cram at the end and pass. But, I suddenly found that success in life requires a better plan and more focus. Getting married young - and I would not recommend that to anyone - ultimately shocked me into action but it was the realization that I had the opportunity to achieve a life dream of becoming a military officer if I just applied myself that ultimately changed my outlook and approach. I saw my dream and went after it.

 

I'll stop here - don't want to overwhelm you. Everything you described is fixable. Perhaps not all at once but over time. I saw so many students in your position figure it out with the help of the services we could provide and, perhaps with the help of friends. 

 

I'm sure I've missed something so feel free to ask questions, correct my assumptions...or just tell me that you think I'm just an old crazy woman. 🙂 I've been called much worse.

 

And, feel free to reach out to me by PM if you think I can be of assistance. 

 

But, most of all, know that we are here to help. You are an awesome person!!!

Hey @April Marie

Thank you so much for the response. I am sorry that it has taken me this long to respond back. That’s true, I do often come and go. Even here I can’t seem to keep a consistent schedule haha.

 

Anyways, yes, I agree that it is hurting me. It helps to hear somebody else say it though. That confirms things for me.

I’ve thought a lot about what you have said, and I’ve come to realise that I don’t really know the reason that I am going to college. I think it is a mixture of pure boredom, and the desire to make things a little easier for me if I ever got a degree. However, none of the programs that my local college offers are interesting to me, so I chose the one that I could see myself most enjoying. Other than that, though, I am not going for some greater goal. I am just bored out of my mind and I need to be constantly doing something or I feel that I will go crazy. I also wanted to go just to get a bit of a social aspect, because I am so anxious to be around people all the time, I figured that sitting in a class with some of them would help that anxiety, and act as an “exposure therapy” of sorts.

 

Getting a degree at this current moment won’t really help me. I more just wanted to have one “just to have one.” I am one of those people that tries to get as many experiences as possible. This has led me down some bad paths before, but I always justify it by repeating to myself that “now I have that experience.” I want to do everything. I am a certified minister, I’ve been in a band, I’ve got a childcare license even though I don’t need one. I just like to do and have things “just because.” I suppose college for me has been the same way.

 

I tried to get in forever, but now I just feel like an absolute failure of a human. This was supposed to be the thing that kicked me into gear, but it has been the exact opposite. Unfortunately, that seems to be the story of my life. Every new thing makes me hope that this time I’ll get it right. It never happens. I’ve been doing that for years.

I was always compared to my sisters as a child, and it really hurt me. They were always shown as the pinnacle of the “good child.” They were smart, and I was always called stupid. My oldest sister went to college when she was 16, and could do calculus in middle school. My other sister has art in the White House. While my parents praised them, they berated me for being the “stupid child.” I still can’t even do simple maths.

 

However, my eldest sister dropped out, and is still living with my parents at 25. My second sister is a druggie. (I love her and that sounds bad to say, I just can’t think of another descriptor.) I don’t want to end up like them. I thought that maybe I could be the first in the family to actually stick with something, and make my life better instead of worse. I wish I was as smart as my sisters, but I also don’t want to end up like they are now. I wanted to be better for once. (As bad as that sounds.)

I have been thinking about dropping out today, but I haven’t made a final decision. At this current point, it doesn’t matter how much work I do, there is no saving my grades. Because of this, I wonder “why even try?” It’s not going to make a difference, so I don’t know why I am still there.

 

I also must admit that I really don’t know how college works. I have gone to advisors and staff; I have talked with my professors etc. but every conversation leaves me feeling even more confused than I was before.

 

I don’t know how semesters work or anything. If I fail every class in one semester, can I still go on? Will they kick me out? Do I still have a chance to make the degree or is it all for naught?

 

I don’t have answers to these questions and I am getting very confused. To be honest, I feel completely helpless right now.

The only thing that has prevented me from dropping out is that I’d have to pay my Pell grant back to the school. I am going entirely on a government grant. (Not a loan)

 

If I don’t finish, I’ll have to pay all of that back. I am already struggling. I am a regular visitor to my local food bank. There is no way I can pay it back at all.

 

So, with all of this, I am a captain of a sinking ship. I can’t leave, and I am going to drown, but I don’t want to. There just seems to be no other option.

 

Unfortunately, I never had an IEP for my ADHD. My faculty was severely understaffed and unknowing of things. I have been on a waiting list to meet with my college disability coordinator, but we only have one for the entire campus, so he has been busy for months.

 

I have been to my school’s counselor to ask about meds etc. and currently I am on some waiting lists, but they are still months out.

 

Ah work, my favourite subject. As is seeming to be a common theme here, no, I don’t have any career goals. I never planned on having one career for the rest of my life, so I have not been planning for that at all. Even if I did the schooling to become a surgeon, I’m certain that I wouldn’t stick with it forever. I get disinterested much to easily. And, as I have stated before, I like doing a bit of everything. This has led me to be a janitor, a host at a nightclub, a secretary, a daycare worker, and my current job, the office manager of a local church. I don’t know what I want to do, and it’s one of my biggest struggles.

This is going to sound immature, but I just want to have fun. I know that that is not realistic, being a 21-year-old man, but I don’t want to work. I love being busy, but I want to be busy with passion, not a dead-end job. Every single person of an older generation I have seen in my personal life is absolutely miserable. They are miserable in their marriages, their careers, their lives, etc.

 

I can’t stand it. Nobody of my younger generation can afford a house. We can’t afford food, transportation, or any other necessity like people older than us can. Until just recently, I was living with 6 roommates just to make ends meet. Six! That is insane. I will never buy a house. I will never be able to afford a nice car or be able to pay for children. It just isn’t plausible. Because of this, I have grown accustomed to the mindset that I need to enjoy myself now as much as possible, instead of worrying about what comes next. (I am not saying this is right, I am just saying where I am right now.)

Because no future is available to me, I decided to stop caring. What is the point of working, or having any goals when ultimately, they will not get me anywhere? Half of the people I help at my homeless shelter have degrees, and that doesn’t seem to have done them much good.

 

(I am sorry this response is so long, I didn’t realise I had so much to say.)

 

Another thing is; I am constantly wracked with guilt. As I have stated, I work at a church as the office manager. Here’s the thing; I am not Christian. I don’t believe in anything they say, and it feels wrong to work there. This feeling of guilt translates to my college life as well, where I just feel like an absolute fraud. I say one thing, but in reality, maybe I am another.

 

I have tried to shock myself into action so many times, and I wish one of them worked. I feel that I can only fail so many times before I get over it, and decide to stop trying completely. I don’t want to loose all hope, but I am sick of my failures. I have always failed. I’m not smart, but I don’t apply myself either. I just wait for things to happen to me. Even when I try, however, I always fail. I am so exhausted from trying over and over and over again, just for nothing to some of it. I want to make progress, but I feel obnoxious to myself for telling myself that “this time will be different.”

 

In the end, I am miserable with myself, and I am not who I want to be at all. I just don’t know the changes I need to make to become that person. I wish it was easier. I want to do well, I really do, but I am lost.

 

I really greatly appreciate your response. I will think about some of the things you have said some more.

 

Thank you,

~Jet