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Trouble convincing yourself? Is it worth it?


Bugg

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I've recently started questioning my gender (AFAB) and have been coming to the conclusion that I might be non-binary. Since starting to think like that I've been at war in my own head. Telling myself its not dysphoria, it's just internalised misogyny, that I'm just an attention seeker even though i can't bring myself to tell anybody in real life, that this is just a weird phase and will go away if i ignore it. Telling myself that I'm making it up, it's not a big deal and that I'm getting emotionally distressed over nothing.

I can argue with that voice and pull up evidence that it's wrong. But it never goes away. I've been in counseling on and off for close to 15 years and I'm still my own worst enemy.

I think in an ideal world I'd love to be able to shapeshift, to change appearance, gender (and genitals) at whim and I don't know how to go about that in a realistic way, I guess I could aim for androgyny? I thought exploring gender would give me a sense of freedom, would help fill that hole in my identity I've always had. But I wish I hadn't. Life was easier with the wool over my eyes.

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  • Forum Moderator

G’day Bugg,

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums (TPS) you’re among like minded people here, and I’m sure they will join in welcoming you to the community. It’s good to hear that you are familiar with therapy and I hope you continue to seek counseling to explore your thoughts. Like you I dream of shape shifting my gender and wake up slightly disappointed that it was just a dream. In reality I’m late in life transitioning MtF I’m out to my wife grown children and a few other family and friends. Look around and feel free to join the many conversation threads here. 
 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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  • Forum Moderator

Good morning 

 

I fought with myself for years. Often thinking if I just secretly tried this or that it would be ok.  I finally gave in to be who I’d always been.  Depression was better, I’m not an angry or bitter person anymore and I am out to everyone. 
 

yes everyone has to figure out their own way and stick to it.  Some have to live with a terrible penalty of loss of family others like me have had family stick with me.  Everyone’s path is different.

 

welcome to TP, check out the forums and we hope you can figure things out.

 

Willow

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Good morning Buggy,

 

I have felt trans before I even knew what it was. It was 1990 when I started feeling that way. I started denying myself. The feelings kept coming back every now and then when I joined the Air Force, but I couldn't come out and say it since the whole military had don't ask and don't tell policy and if you told them if you weren't straight, they would kick you out of the military with a dishonorable discharge. 32 years later I just couldn't take it anymore, so I came out. I lost over 40 family members. I thought it's funny when you aren't speaking your mind that everyone stays but the moment you do they leave you. 

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  • 4 months later...

Hey there Bugg. 
I am just picking up on this thread and am new to the group. I feel very similar to you and am not sure where I belong or who I am. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just finished the gender identity book from Dara Hoffman. It is really good but takes awhile to absorb everything. I kept a running log of the book and my thoughts. That has helped. After the end of the book, I continued the log and categorized what I wanted to address. Here are my categories - 

 

1. Thoughts after the book.

2. Synopsis of personal history related to anxiety and depression. Snippets of gender feelings where needed to see any association, i.e., just anxiety and depression or is it more?

3. Fear

4. Process moving forward

5. My gender identity in my own words (work in progress, living document)

 

After those sections were gone over a bunch (and I still will edit as clarity comes to me), I started a journal under that so track my thoughts about all of this. 

 

I finally dismissed all nonbinary identities except demigirl. I am a demigirl at least. I may be a transsexual female. We'll see. But, I am happy I made at least this much progress. 

 

My suggestion to you is to get this book, or a similar book, and go through it completely, methodically, not quick glances, not reading pages here and there, but really writing down your thoughts as you go along. It should take awhile to do this book, at least a couple of weeks.

 

I actually owned this book twice. The first time I read some of it, and then threw it away!  I told my therapist and she told me, "buy it again". LOL. She just told me to. Well, okay, I did. And this time I completed it. Feels good.

 

Ann

 

 

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I found that to be a very useful book. Still dealing with a lot of fear aspects aspects. But confident in who I am now. Hopefully moving forward to coming out and starting to transition 🤞

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Your mind can go through all sorts of gymnastics trying to figure this out. Here is the last entry in my journal for today as an example. Feel free to comment. I'll probably run this by my therapist tomorrow. :) - 

 

Do I gravitate to binary woman because I really feel that way, or do I gravitate away from the thin, meek kid I used to be, because I don't like him because of societal pressures? In the latter case, nonbinary could be viewed subconsciously as some sort of nebulous land that does not make sense and I keep pushing my mind toward binary female, cause better to be a woman than a thin, meek kid whom I hate. Is it possible I set up a duality of sorts, where trying to be macho lead to the manly man and escape led to the womanly woman, in an effort to “not be” the thin, meek kid, to kill him off? If neither duality has staying power, does that mean I am neither? That I am really the thin, meek kid or indeed nonbinary? That that is my “reality” and all this time I have been acting out of non-acceptance of him? If so, this sounds like it could be trauma-based because of my life experiences. Or, perhaps, this whole idea is a huge mental engineering effort at repression of trans feelings? LOL.

 

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