Trouble convincing yourself? Is it worth it?

[Bugg]

I've recently started questioning my gender (AFAB) and have been coming to the conclusion that I might be non-binary. Since starting to think like that I've been at war in my own head. Telling myself its not dysphoria, it's just internalised misogyny, that I'm just an attention seeker even though i can't bring myself to tell anybody in real life, that this is just a weird phase and will go away if i ignore it. Telling myself that I'm making it up, it's not a big deal and that I'm getting emotionally distressed over nothing.

I can argue with that voice and pull up evidence that it's wrong. But it never goes away. I've been in counseling on and off for close to 15 years and I'm still my own worst enemy.

I think in an ideal world I'd love to be able to shapeshift, to change appearance, gender (and genitals) at whim and I don't know how to go about that in a realistic way, I guess I could aim for androgyny? I thought exploring gender would give me a sense of freedom, would help fill that hole in my identity I've always had. But I wish I hadn't. Life was easier with the wool over my eyes.

[Mmindy]

G’day Bugg,

 

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums (TPS) you’re among like minded people here, and I’m sure they will join in welcoming you to the community. It’s good to hear that you are familiar with therapy and I hope you continue to seek counseling to explore your thoughts. Like you I dream of shape shifting my gender and wake up slightly disappointed that it was just a dream. In reality I’m late in life transitioning MtF I’m out to my wife grown children and a few other family and friends. Look around and feel free to join the many conversation threads here. 
 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Willow]

Good morning 

 

I fought with myself for years. Often thinking if I just secretly tried this or that it would be ok.  I finally gave in to be who I’d always been.  Depression was better, I’m not an angry or bitter person anymore and I am out to everyone. 
 

yes everyone has to figure out their own way and stick to it.  Some have to live with a terrible penalty of loss of family others like me have had family stick with me.  Everyone’s path is different.

 

welcome to TP, check out the forums and we hope you can figure things out.

 

Willow

[Ashley0616]

Good morning Buggy,

 

I have felt trans before I even knew what it was. It was 1990 when I started feeling that way. I started denying myself. The feelings kept coming back every now and then when I joined the Air Force, but I couldn't come out and say it since the whole military had don't ask and don't tell policy and if you told them if you weren't straight, they would kick you out of the military with a dishonorable discharge. 32 years later I just couldn't take it anymore, so I came out. I lost over 40 family members. I thought it's funny when you aren't speaking your mind that everyone stays but the moment you do they leave you.