Questioning

[lazybones]

Heyoo, I've been questioning my gender identity a lot, I've always been since I was 14 tbh. But now in my 20's, since I've been unmasking and really getting to be my authentic self,  I feel like I don't fit with the girls anymore. 

I feel way more comfortable wearing my masc and large clothes. 

I cut my hair shorter and I feel so much more like myself.

But the feeling of actually being perceived as a male scares me, and I'm not sure if it feels right.

But when people approach me as a woman I don't really identified with that, especially the pronouns.

I've never truly felt comfortable with my body but ate the same time I didn't really wanted to change it too.

I think if I didn't felt so much pressure from society or the fear of being judge I would come out as non binary person. And later, as a trans man. Idk, I see myself more as a fem bisexual male then a lesbian or queer female (as I identify now).

To any trans person here, how was it? Have you always knew that you were trans?

How was the journey to self-discovery and acceptance?

 

 

 

 

[Ashley0616]

I have known I was trans before I even knew what it was. This goes back to 1990. I have had to live in denial because I knew I wouldn't have any support. I created a fake life with made up likes and dislikes. I was married a few times but never felt safe to come out till my third marriage and I was abandoned. I have two boys so I can't say I didn't get nothing out of life for pretending. I don't have a single friend and have 5 family members that sometimes talk to me. I have questioned myself if I did the right thing since I have pretty much lost just about everything. My oldest son is still probably to young to understand what is going on. My youngest will never know a difference. He calls me dad out loud and I get some mean stares. I hope I don't get beaten up for it. I was tired of living a lie. I have finally decided even if I do it by myself I wouldn't be lying anymore. Talk to a gender therapist before going any further. I'm not saying you are or aren't because I'm not qualified for that. We all make decisions on our own. Sometimes what we think we are turns to be child issues with growing up. Transitioning isn't something to take lightly at all. It's something to take with a lot of thought. Dating can be a lot harder for some. I can answer some questions but I can't make any decisions for you. I don't have a psychology degree but I can give you my personal opinion. BTW thank you for joining and glad you could find us. 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @lazybones, welcome to Trans Pulse.

 

I always knew I was different.  I didn't know what it really was, though.  I was told that trans people were weird and kinky, so I couldn't be one of them, could I?  I kept telling myself that for most of my life.

 

It wasn't until I saw a trans person in real life being not-weird and started investigating what it was all about that I realized that I was indeed transgender.  I was 62 at the time.  Since then, my journey has been good.  Self-acceptance was the first step for me, and by far the hardest.  Acceptance by others has been easy in comparison.

[Birdie]

6 hours ago, lazybones said:

Heyoo, I've been questioning my gender identity a lot, I've always been since I was 14 tbh. But now in my 20's, since I've been unmasking and really getting to be my authentic self,  I feel like I don't fit with the girls anymore. 

I feel way more comfortable wearing my masc and large clothes. 

I cut my hair shorter and I feel so much more like myself.

But the feeling of actually being perceived as a male scares me, and I'm not sure if it feels right.

But when people approach me as a woman I don't really identified with that, especially the pronouns.

I've never truly felt comfortable with my body but ate the same time I didn't really wanted to change it too.

I think if I didn't felt so much pressure from society or the fear of being judge I would come out as non binary person. And later, as a trans man. Idk, I see myself more as a fem bisexual male then a lesbian or queer female (as I identify now).

To any trans person here, how was it? Have you always knew that you were trans?

How was the journey to self-discovery and acceptance?

 

 

 

 

Wow, so much to unpack here.

 

I'm not sure if 'trans' really fits me now, I think I was when I was still in boy-mode. I'm intersex AMAB, and my father and family kind of forced boy-mode on me when I was about 17. So I have had breasts and wide hips hidden under baggy shirts and bib overalls for about 45 years. 

I knew I wasn't that person, but it was expected of me. 

 

A forum about 'acceptance' on a gynecomastia site (men with breasts) helped me to learn to be honest with myself. I'm still the long haired little girl my grandmother was teaching to cater weddings and make wedding dresses. 

 

The extent of my being intersex was unknown internally, so after much pressure an ultrasound was ordered showing a uterus and fallopian tubes. That answered a lot of questions, like why I felt and acted like I do. I'm physically much more woman than man. I basically only got testes instead of ovaries is the extent of it. 

 

Learning to be honest with myself was the hardest part of it. I am who I am regardless of the two gender boxes society prefers. 

I actually decided that I don't like labels. We are all unique, and predefined labels can't possibly be a one-size-fits-all. I wake up and put on my bra and makeup just like any other woman. I just happen to have some equipment variations down below. I'm different. I'm intersex, and I'm unique. 

 

The key is just acceptance!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

7 hours ago, lazybones said:

But the feeling of actually being perceived as a male scares me, and I'm not sure if it feels right.

But when people approach me as a woman I don't really identified with that, especially the pronouns.

I've never truly felt comfortable with my body but ate the same time I didn't really wanted to change it too.

 

Some of what you're feeling is similar to how I've felt.  I started life as a girl.  But I'm intersex, and that wasn't figured out until recently (I'm in my early 30s).  For years I just thought I was a lesbian and identified as such, but the last 2-3 years I realized it was more. 

 

So I live mostly in my boy form now.  Partly due to personal beliefs and partly for medical reasons, actual medical transition isn't going to happen.  I've shortened my hair and changed a bit of how I dress, but not much beyond that.  I haven't even changed my pronouns, because masculine pronouns don't really feel like a fit, or maybe I've just used feminine pronouns for so many years I can't imagine doing it differently. 

 

I think that there's no "one size fits all" for transition.  My version of it has been minimal and soft.  My body never looked feminine, but never really masculine either.  I can switch between the two, but I mostly look androgynous.  Other folks may have a very different approach.  Its up to you to figure out what you need.  Don't box yourself in, because you might find it changes over the years.