I'd like to make friends

[Cisco1127]

Hello I'm new, I'm trying out a new name online for now so please call me Benjamin. I picked it after watching the gay romance indie film "Benjamin." Which I highly recommend watching for anyone who struggles with allowing themselves to be loved and feel love, who fear opening up and just want to not be afraid of being human anymore. 

 

Im 27, living in Arizona and married. I'm struggling a lot right now and could really a friend. My situation is that I am not sure who I am. I'm not sure I was self aware enough to question who I was as a child, but in junior high when puberty hit, things became difficult for me. I didn't identify with the girls around me who were becoming women and I struggled to make connections and friends because I felt so out of place and isolated.

My body attracted a lot of unwanted attention when I started developing and I realized that I hated when people looked at me and saw me as an attractive female. I felt so guilty about it too, like I shouldn't want to be a man because my body is so beautiful, I should accept it. I wore the baggiest most unattractive clothes most of the time so that I could keep attention away from me, and I tried so hard not to be noticed, it was a very stressful time. But I pushed these feelings down.

I didn't think it was ok for me to be trans and I didn't think that was what I really was because I liked boys too. I couldn't process that out of all the people I couldve been, I have ended up as trans and gay. I felt so much shame around this and I still do.

I moved to Arizona after going through a wildfire. It was a new start. I put my old life behind me and tried to live happily as a woman for awhile, even succeeding for some time. I wore the pretty clothes, I learned how to talk to boys and I eventually married someone good. I have so many regrets. 

 

i regret putting myself into so many boxes. "Am I autistic? am I ADHD? am I just a neurotic mess? am I really trans or gay or am I just attention seeking? why can't I make friends and be authentic? Why am I so scared? I found the reason. I couldn't be myself because I was so afraid of losing everyone who loved me. I was afraid of existing as I am, and afraid of who I would lose or disappoint. I made myself small to accommodate others. 

 

i feel like if I keep going the way I am going, I'm going to crash and burn. I would like to make friends with people who I can talk to about this, who will understand and accept me and show me how to live by example. I want to know what it means to accept myself and to allow myself to love myself and to be loved as I am. I want to know that it's possible to be loved as I am, and to not feel so ashamed, and I want to know the possibilities of being trans and living it. 

 

thank you for reading my story, I am glad I found this forum. 

 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @Cisco1127.  Welcome to Trans Pulse.

 

You came to the right place.  I am sure you will find a lot of people who can relate to your experiences.  Most of us have had similar experiences, whether on the masculine, feminine, on non-binary side.  Feel free to join in any of the conversations here, or to start new topics.

 

If you haven't already found a gender therapist, it would be useful to start looking for one.  A good therapist can be very helpful in helping you to figure out what you want and how to go about getting it.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Benjamin.  Yes, it IS hard not knowing for sure what's going on inside you head, and what, if anything, to do about it.  But nearly all of us here have gone through the same struggles of doubt, insecurity and guilt, so you are among folks who understand you.

 

We're here to help if we can.  So look around through the forums, participate, ask questions, and we'll guide you to some resources if you need them.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Vidanjali]

Hi there Benjamin. Much of your story resonated with me. Briefly, I was afab, never felt akin with girls or women, and always felt like I was broken and needed fixing. I dressed and presented however felt natural to me in my late teens and early 20s, but always felt a sense of shame about it. In my mid-20s I embarked on a mission to be a "normal woman" because I thought I could forcibly integrate myself that way and find happiness. It always felt like an effort and a mask to me, and I was constantly self-conscious thinking what if someone found out I wasn't real. All that time, I didn't have the knowledge or insight to see what was right about me. I married a man when I was 40 and set about being a "normal wife". About 4 years into the marriage I reached a breaking point as I felt like the anxiety, etc. of maintaining the self I had constructed was going to destroy me. So, I had a major heart to heart with my husband and told him I had to stop viewing myself as broken needing fixing (at that point I had actually gone to several therapists and even got on female hrt to try to conform to the appearance of my body), to drop all the effort and masking, and to find out who I am. (All details aside about how that affected our relationship...it's a long story, but at present we are doing great, actually.) That resolve to let go had an immediate effect. I felt calmer and rapidly realized that I'm trans nonbinary and ace (asexual - again, there's more nuance to that which I won't get into at the moment). I am sharing this with you not to claim that my path is the right one - it was for me - but to illustrate that I have some idea of what you're going through. If any of what I said does resonate with you, then I would advise to you to consider likewise giving yourself permission to be free of expectations and just see what happens. For me, once I let go, a thick layer of anxiety and near-constant panic dropped away & it was profound.

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forums, Benjamin! We're happy you found your way here. You'll find lots of information and friendly people who will listen, answer questions and provide advice if you ask for it. Each of us is unique, but there are many similarities in our stories, as well. Jump in where you feel comfortable!!